MY WORLD:
When do you grow out of the phase where you hope that parking tickets just magically go away for a few months, and then end up panicking that you’re going to have to pay double the fine? I took my dog Belle (overused name? I’m unoriginal? Well, we adopted her and kept her name so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed with change. Welcome to “Jimmy is a Selfless Angel 101”) ANYWAY! Took my dog Belle on a walk this morning and had a near panic attack that my parking ticket fine was doubling at that very instant. I didn’t want to rush Belle’s morning dump but…like….SHIT ALREADY!
When I got back to my compound (lush carpets, wooden dressers, crotch-ripped GAP boxer briefs from 2013 in that wooden dresser), I rushed to my computer but only after I made my morning english muffy with butter because it’s always good to start your day off with nutrition. I burnt the muffy in my toaster 😦 BUT I ATE THE BURNT MUFFY CUZ I’M NOT WASTEFUL!!!
When I got to the payment page (shoutout http://www.cityofchicago.org/finance) I saw that my fine had not doubled, but that I did have a speeding camera ticket from July that has since doubled. I’M SO HAPPY AT THIS MOMENT IN MY LIFE! I now owed $160. Decision time for Little Jimmy, guys. Options: 1) Pay the tickets using different credit cards that I don’t really use that much because they’re nearly maxed out, but not totally maxed out. 2) Pay the tickets using the credit card I do use a lot because it gives me points and the successful people in my life talk about their points whenever I mention I’m driving to Nashville instead of flying. 3) Don’t pay the tickets, ignore any phone calls I ever get from numbers I don’t know and make love to my wife like the naughty boy that I am.
I paid the tickets and got points. I can’t wait to see what I can get with 160 points.
OUR WORLD:
Monday nights during “Bachelor” season are nearly as boneriffic (cool hetero in the building y’all!) as Sunday days during football season. Much like getting to watch day, afternoon and night games on Sunday, Monday gives us the can’t-miss triumvirate of “The Bachelor”, “Summer House” and “Vanderpump Rules”. If you’re a single dude and not into these show and think I’m a loser for getting SERIOUSLY FUCKING EXCITED to watch Brachelor Monday then please leave me alone because you sound like a guy who bumps into people at bars just to yell “What?!” at them (Bravo/Bachelor mash-up = “Brachelor”…not my best work).
Per usual, the VP of Operations (My Wife, Erin) and I settled in for a night of shared eye rolls and basic-bitch, mean-girl fun at the expense of people who are paid enough to be the butt of married couples inside jokes.
Quick takes:
“The Bachelor”: My disdain for Arie has gone down from the beginning of the season until now. He’s a doof asked to play James Bond. It’s been an awkward ride that hit it’s peak last night when he was forced to pretend he was tough with Becca’s ex showing up. (Becca’s ex, name?…let’s call him Jerry) When Jerry showed up it was clear that A) He could make Arie cry in a thumb war, and B) Arie isn’t as good looking as Becca’s ex. Knowing this (myself and the VP of Ops agreed on both of these so they are now facts for the record) Arie had to quickly resort to telling us how angry he was during the interview portion of the show. Arie: “Viewers, I am very angry about this situation now that I am alone in a room talking about it in the past tense and not across from that walking push-up-contest asskicker Jerry.” Jerry ended up getting embarrassed when Becca gave him the heisman, but Arie can never unsee the stronger, better looking person that Becca before him. THAT SITUATION NEVER ENDS WELL FOR MEN’S BRAINS.
“Summer House”: Missed most of it because the turkey tacos took too long, but I am Team Carl times a billion. If you hug your crying mother, you win the show. That blonde twin who wouldn’t stop frowning with a gun to her head is MAJOR NUTSO. Run Carl.
“Vanderpump Rules”: Lala…La La?….Lolla?….However the hell you spell her name, really grinds my gears. Can we agree that claiming to be an example for female empowerment while hosting at a shitty restaurant and living off your unnamed boyfriend’s bank account is a bit of an oxymoron? The VP of Ops wants to agree with me on this soooo bad, but pretends that she doesn’t because sometimes LOLahh makes a catty comment that she approves of. Oh, and poor Jax. I have definitely tried to prove to people on vacay that I’m into fitness and then had it backfire (got in a fight with the VP of Ops once during a wedding weekend when we were sharing a hotel room with another couple. She kicked me out of bed in the morning, so I pretended I was going to the gym. Once in the hotel gym, hungover as fuck, I sat on the lazy exercycle–the one with the back–and slowly peddled until having to race-waddle to the bathroom with sudden onset diarrhea.)
LET’S LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
LET’S HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT PROBABLY WON’T WIN:
NCAAB: Oklahoma (+3.5) over Baylor
(My account currently at $55.19)
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 