OUR WORLD:
St. Patrick’s Day is tomorrow, Saturday, and Chicagoans in their early 30s have decided, unanimously, that they are okay with watching the world pass them by. Miller Lite sunglasses that you got for free 6 years ago, your only green shirt that’s kinda too tight, a group e-mail chain organizing a trolley and arguing over who is paying who for the 19 handles of Fireball? We’re too old for this shit, guys. Green beer? Kids. Wrigleyville? Bros? UH, NO THANKS! Maybe we’ll go grab a beer, but we’re past the days of car-bomb breakfasts. How about us, huh? We just don’t need it. Sure, we’re old. Hey, now that we’re 32, we have other interests that bring me more joy and no hangover. Hey bros, try a game night while sipping a few well made sessionable pale ales! Hops? No, I’m not talking about “What Lebron’s still got”. Idiots.
Now go to your tiny bathroom, look in the mirror and ask yourself the following question: but, what if? Let it linger. What if you, not just you, what if WE let go of our defense mechanisms, ignored how self conscience and jaded we have become and tried to smile again? Go ahead and smile in the mirror. YOU KNOW I’M SUCH A FOOL FOR YOU. YOU’VE GOT ME WRAPPED AROUND YOUR FINGERRRR A-UH-UH. DO YOU HAVE TO LET IT LINGER? DO YOU HAVE TO? DO YOU HAVE TO? DO YOU HAVE TO LET IT LINGER? Guys, lets grab that kinda-too-small green tee for one last dance.
Send out a text to your friends asking what everyone is doing for St. Patty’s tomorrow. It’s okay, you can cut it with a little joke like “don’t worry, I’ll get the Fireball handle. Lol.” Haha…but you’re kinda hoping they don’t laugh. And maybe, just maybe, they won’t. Maybe they’ll chuckle at first and send something back like “Omg. Can you even imagine?” But that’s the thing, you can imagine. And they can too. That’s when someone, YOU! needs to send the “I mean, why not?”-text. (EXPLOSION SOUNDS)
“Honey, Jimmy, you know that friend of mine who can wear anything because he makes everything look good?”
“Oh, I like him. He’s fun.”
“Yeah, well he just texted ‘why not?”
“About…no! Not about-”
“St. Patrick’s Day. Yeah.”
In our story, you can be Jimmy. You can be the person to send the text that causes couples to look at each other in silence for 8 seconds before the fun one says “I mean, it’s not like we have anything else to do.” And so it begins. You don’t have plans on Sunday, so hangover recovery will take precedence and the weather is supposed to be shitty Sunday anyways, so it’s not like you’re wasting a day. And look, even if the hangover lasts into Monday, I mean, it’s Monday! You’ll be back up to speed by Tuesday at the latest. “Why not?” turns to “what if?” turns to “I’ll make green jello shots.” Guards begin to lower their rifles and friends start tossing out their favorite St. Patrick’s Day “remember when?”-texts. Momentum has built and the only turning back that’s happening now is happening to your clocks. (Did you get that? Like a “turn back the clocks” joke. It sounded good in my head, but I’m not sure it translated. Is explaining it helping?)
It’s too late to get a trolley and, honestly, that’s for the best (wait, you know about a last-minute deal?) Trolley’s are too risky on St. Pat’s because it may be cold and you don’t wanna have to cover up that hot tee with a puffy coat all day (GET OFF ME PUFF!) What we, you?…no, we, what we should do is meet at a the friend’s place who has the nicest outdoor area. If it is warm, you’re gonna wanna bag those early spring rays. So you meet at Davey Big Deck’s place around 11am. Not too early, but day drinking is fun and this may be your last dance so…MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?
Start off with some smiles and “it’s really happening!”-embraces. The excitement of this unexpected gathering will intoxicate most guests immediately upon arrival. Pour yourself a bloody in a red plastic cup, and you know what? I’ll have one too! Someone probably brought candied bacon for the bloody’s (perks of being over 30 is that people put effort into things like bacon!) Tunes are playing on Davey Big Deck’s nice speakers and, wait! What’s that sound?!?! THAT’S NELLY Y’ALL! HOT SHIT!!! YOU CAN FIND ME IN ST. LOUIS ROLLIN’ ON DUBS!
Mean mugs and shoulder shrugs are aplenty as we move from Bloody’s to Lite’s to Guinness to…MARK BROUGHT FIREBALL! NCAA tourney games play on Davey Big Deck’s dope ass big tv that’s way better than yours but today isn’t a day for jealousy but FUCK I’M JEALOUS. I ADMIT IT, I’M JEALOUS! You’ll get together with a few buds and determine that the only way to win a 6 team moneyline parlay is to place the bet four solo-cup drinks deep and pick the teams on “gut feelings”-only. Making money is easy, guys.
I won’t lie, there will be some adversity. A couple will have a not-as-muted-as-they-think fight in a corner. Bill will appoint himself DJ a few hours in to play his favorite Doo-Wop songs and everyone will wonder who has the stones to tell him Doo-Wop STINKS AND IS KILLING THE FUCKING MOOD! You’ll probably need to order the food yourself and, jeez, that’s always scary trying to Venmo-collect from everyone afterwards, but today is a day of risk taking so let ‘er rip!
When you get the pizza from the delivery driver, you should announce to the room “DID SOMEBODY SAY PIZZA?!?!” They didn’t, but they’ll cheer and you’ll get slapped on the back. It’s nicer than expected outside, guys! I don’t have to wear my coat! (you’ll get cold pretty quick, but this is the time you pretend it’s not that cold).
I will leave you there because this is not just my story…this is our story and we can all write our own endings to that simple question you’re gonna ask yourself in tomorrow’s morning mirror: “What if?”
MY WORLD:
I’m in a really good mood right now because I listened to “Linger” by The Cranberries and “Country Grammar” by Nellie on repeat for the past couple hours. LET’S HAVE A FUCKING FRIDAY PEOPLE!!!
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:
Yesterday was a dark, dark day where I went 1-10 on games I put money on. I’m not here to talk about the past. However, I am staying dark due to me thinking that this blog is cursing my gambling….AW SCREW IT, LET’S HAMMER PROVIDENCE!
(My account currently at $55.17)
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 