MY WORLD:
I got caught trying to sneak into a gym yesterday. You see, sometimes when I have a work event at night, I’ll find a gym in the town of my event to get a good PUMP (treadmill run) in before. Being the Frugal Fred that I am (cheapass), I have found a couple of “community fitness centers” that don’t have the most attentive front-desk staff.
The particular spot I went in yesterday, I had been to multiple times over the past year. Normally, there’s an old guy at the front desk not paying attention. So, instead of paying the $11 one-day fee, I walk like a BAWSS straight past the front desk and into the locker room. The old guy probably just doesn’t care enough to stop me, but I’ve convinced myself that he admires a man who walks with purpose. That’s me! A man who walks with purpose…so he doesn’t have to pay $11.
Yesterday, however, there was a young girl at the front desk. No matter, my BAWSS walk (Rick Ross voice BAWSS!) would dissuade her from stopping me. Deep breath, long, border-line angry strides and I’m fre—“Excuse me, sir!” Can’t be talking to me….”SIR! EXCUSE ME?!” (cue my “uh-oh” face). I turned around like she had just snapped me out of a dream. “Oh, yeah? Hey?”
“Can I scan you in?”
“Oh…uh….I mean…”
This is where I pretended that my parents had just moved to the suburb and they had “told me I could work out here.” Unfortunately, she then asked for my parents names and address. (Just cut the lies, Jimmy! Come clean! Now! Come clean!) And because I’m really smart and quick on my feet, I told this TRYHARD BITCH (I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that) that my I didn’t know their address because they just moved and “my memory is just blegh!”, and that my Dad’s name is Jim Pomerantz.
As she typed “Jim Pomerantz” into her local government issued supercomputer and asked for my ID, I remembered that the first time I went to this gym, I did sign in as a guest and gave my name as “Jim”. That’s when she asked, with a furrowed brow, “have you been here before?” I was caught. But, guess what? I JUST KEPT LYING.
“No.”
“Hmm, cuz we have your name and address in here as having signed in as a guest before.”
“Not me. That’s weird.” I actually said that guys! Like, someone with my EXACT NAME AND ADDRESS HAD ALSO SIGNED INTO THIS COMMUNITY GYM AS A GUEST ONE TIME!!!! If that doesn’t make you laugh, then I give up forever.
I ended up paying the guest fee and dominating a treadmill. On my way out, instead of tucking my tail between my legs, I gave that TRYHARD BITCH! (sorry) a hearty “Thank You!” She did not respond and I’m pretty sure my picture is up in their employee lounge now.
OUR WORLD:
Guys, it’s Friday! Oh my goodness gracious we made it! WE MADE IT GUYS! As we gear up for what’s definitely going to be an all-timer of a weekend (is it? I don’t know. Who cares?) I wanted to point something out that needs to be pointed out…movies lie to us. But Jimmy, why would you bring that up today? Of all days? I’ll tell you why my sweet babies, because the weekends are when we act most like how we see people act in the movies.
You’ve been pent up at your jobs and in your houses (you don’t have a house, Jimmy. An apartment counts! Well then say apartment…) all week watching movies and shows when you have any free time, so your brain is ready to talk you into acting like that dude with the good hair. Weekends are when you at least begin contemplating how you are “going to make a change!” Before you do so, I implore you to consult the following list of things that movies tell you to do, that you should NOT do:
-Don’t tell your crush, who already has a bf/gf/husband/wife, that you are in love with them. This applies mostly to the single, under-27 crowd, but I extended it to the real dedicated “lets fuck a life up”-crew who are contemplating ruining a marriage to have their movie moment. There were definitely a few times when I was single and under-27 that I was POSITIVE that my crush was just waiting for me to make some touching speech in the rain to break up with her boyfriend. Thankfully, I was always a bonified (more like ‘bonerfied’ lol omg) wuss in these situations and never went through with it (I can’t believe they never noticed me sulking near them in the bar.)
What would actually happen if you went through on this kamikaze mission? The person you are confessing your feelings to will look at you like you’re an alien. Like “uh, dude how many times did you watch The Notebook this week?” (I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS A LIMIT!!!) They’ll probably start laughing early on in your “remember when you gave me that look”-speech, and possibly call their friends over to catch a glimpse of this death spiral. (Holy shit girls! Dan’s doing his Notebook speech! Get over here!) It’ll be too late for you to pull the “just kidding” card, so you’re going to prove that you have follow through and try to finish your rehearsed plea. It will only get worse.
The spouse will show up at some point, be it during or soon after this performance, and you haven’t prepared for that, have you? What if he doesn’t find it sad-funny and is hell bent on smashing your face in? You don’t fight. You pretend like you can when you’re drunk, but it’s been years since your one sorta-real fight and it was TERRIFYING. This situation is snowballing and now you’re in the hospital.
This “dream person” has put you in the friend zone for a reason, but you also have ZERO idea what this “dream person” is like in a relationship. What if DreamGuy is into feet stuff and the fact that he has foot fungus doesn’t hold him back from asking you to suck his toes? That could happen! What if DreamGirl thinks hitting on your dad is the way to get on his good side? But then your Dad is like “I still got it” and tells your Mom, the one who bakes cookies, to “scram, Donna!” …and THEN DreamGirl is kinda like “wow, he just ended his marriage for me” so she goes along with it! NOW YOUR DREAMGIRL IS BANGING YOUR DAD!
In the end, I just don’t want your friends to catch what happened on their iPhone cameras and then send it to you for the next 33 years whenever they “could use a good laugh.”
-Don’t “just let go” and, like, jump off a cliff or something. Granted, I have not been on a cliff that I could jump off into the clear blue sea, but, like, who cares? Just go to a pool and don’t risk hurting yourself. Have you ever heard a friend say “I went cliff diving” and thought he/she was cooler for doing so? Nope, and that’s ALL they were hoping for when they did that. A bunch of out of shape people do it, so it’s really not that impressive. And I’m sure it’s not that fun and probably hurts your feet.
-Don’t drink your sorrows away and then get in a fight at the bar. The sitch that movies portray go like this: sad, pissed off guy with nothing to lose drinks beers and shots alone at a dive bar. The game is on and his team is losing because, of course. He gets progressively drunker (but his hair still looks DYNAMITE) until a big ole sumbitch at the end of the bar says something disrespectful to a woman. “Apologize to the lady!” leads to a confrontation. This David v. Goliath confrontation goes one of two ways, 1) David is a secretly awesome fighter guy and hits Goliath with, like, a throat punch that cuts off Goliath’s air supply (v cool move) or 2) Goliath throws David out of the bar, but David is okay cuz he only got hit once and just has a black eye that will cause a hot babe to say “lets get some ice on that.” This will not happen to you.
You will get hit so hard by Goliath that you’ll think you’re gonna die. Actually, you may die. Goliath may actually manslaughter you right there. OR, you’ll throw a punch that lands, demolishes your hand (it hurts real bad…i know cuz i got in fights…whatever, guys…not that big of a deal…it was actually really stupid…i don’t want to talk about it…you could say i have a dark side…) and then you’re going to get arrested, cry in a jail cell, and get fired on Monday.
Speaking of your job…
-Don’t quit your job in dramatic, or really any, fashion. Who hasn’t wanted to recreate the Jerry Maguire scene at their office? (My office even has a goldfish with a box of big plastic bags next to it!)
Sorry to break it to you, but the response you’re going to get is the HR person putting their hand on your shoulder and asking you to “go have a chat.” In the middle of your big fuck-off speech, someone at the back of the office will take out their headphones and interrupt you with a “what’s happening? what’s he saying?” It’ll ruin your entire flow, you’ll get flustered and accidentally prove that you’re not as good at public speaking as the job you have necessitates. This, my friends, is called a backfire. Even if you stop the “I HAVE PASSIONS I NEED TO EXPLORE!”-speech now, your boss is thinking that someone with such poor planning and public speaking skills isn’t the kind of employee they need right now.
-Don’t have a cigarette. Do they look cool in the movies? UHHHH DOUBLE DUH! What they forget to include after the cigarette is the: instant regret, crippling “Am-I-going-to-have-to-get-one-of-those-voice-box-things?”-fear, a hangover going from a 3 to an 11, and your mouth tasting like wet ass in the morning.
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Since I trust you, I want to let you in on a lil secret….Shawn Mendes is a blast-off-to-outer-space STAR. He has a new song out that DADDY LIKEY! Get in on it now. (Also, funny to call him “Shawn Menses” when you’re trying to cut him down in front of your lady person.)
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When you take your dog for a walk and she poops twice but you only brought one bag. Somebody saw. Somebody definitely saw you leave that there.
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:
Now, if you’ve been paying attention to jimmyschair, you know that sometimes I change my bets midday. Thankfully, I did that yesterday. The picks I put up on yesterday’s blog would have gone 0 for 4. GOOD THING I EVALUATE THINGS AS THE DAY PROGRESSES CUZ I SWITCHED TWO OF MY BETS AND ENDED UP (basically) EVEN FOR THE DAY!
Tonight? Can you just text me what you think because I am so lost with this tournament? That would be a nice thing to do.
(My account currently at $24.21)
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 