MY WORLD:
The VP of Ops has left me.
She took off on an airplane this morning to go to a little place called Mexico, ever heard of it? (The friend of mine who reminded me of the “ever heard of it?”-joke was disappointed that he/she did not receive proper credit in last week’s blog. Well, TOO FUCKING BAD! THIS IS MY WORLD! AND NOW, WHENEVER ANYONE THINKS OF THE “EVER HEARD OF IT?” JOKE, THEY WILL THINK OF JIMMYSCHAIR FIRST! ME! ME! ME!) This Mexico trip is a 5 day bachelorette-a-thon where they’re staying in a…(uh oh, I know she told me where they were staying multiple times. And, I definitely was not listening to her when she was telling me)…they’re staying in a place where there’s a beach and stuff. What that means, is that I’m single for the next five days. It’s true, guys. I can do whatever I want because The VP is not here and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have internet access so KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT!
Jk lol omg guys. It’s called a joke! What it really means is that I’ll probably gamble more, eat worse and throw a few pouches in my lip because I’M FREE!!! (There should be another warning label on tobacco tins that reads “Just because you only do this when your wife is out of town, doesn’t mean it’s not still bad for you.”) You see, every time The VP of Ops goes out of town, I go through the same stages in the first 24 hours of “Freedom”:
The “Wow, I can’t wait to do whatever I want when I get back tonight”-stage: This is the most exciting stage of The VP actually leaving. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS! This stage usually occurs right after she leaves and I promised her that I would miss her so much. However, what I’m really thinking when I tell her that I’ll “miss her so much” is “I wonder what I’m gonna have for dinner tonight before getting to watch 5 straight hours of playoff basketball with action on EVERY SINGLE GAME!” The first night alone, you need to be alone–this is not the night to invite your friends over and make them jealous that their significant other isn’t out of town too…that’s for tomorrow. Tonight is for tacos or wings or…no, just tacos or wings with moderate-to-heavy drinking and maybe a vape or dip sesh. Bad boy stuff only.
The “Wait, so I have to take the dog out every time while she’s gone?”-stage: I don’t know why this reality always surprises me when she’s gone, but usually late in the first day of it, I get salty that she’s not flying back to take Belle outside. I’ll get back from work, plop my finely toned and overworked bod on my chair and Belle will start crying. However, now I can’t trick her to “go find mom!” (Such a great dog trick. Stupid dog, Mom’s in the kitchen; Can’t you hear her talking to me?) And then I’ll think to myself “well this is kinda’ bullshit.” Don’t get me wrong, Belle is my numba one pretty gurrrrl, but sometimes Relaxin’ Jimmy just needs her to stop staring while running in place and growling at me. Normally, right about now, is when The VP of Ops will call me to “check in” (I’m not a baby!) and I’ll have to try real super hard not to sound pissy on the phone about having to do EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE!
The “It’s late and I’m really tired, but I need to force a drunk tonight to prove how much fun this vacation is”-stage: End of night one ALWAYS feels like this. I should just go to bed because I’m an adult with a CAREER (ever heard of it?) but that would be admitting defeat to myself. It’s like I can hear 25 year-old, single Jimmy making fun of me for even thinking about going to bed before 10:30. I’m not kidding when I tell you that there is probably going to be some audible pump-up self-talk along the lines of “come on Bud, let’s have a time!” Then I’ll go and pour another little glass of scotch that I don’t need OR really want. BUT WE’RE HAVING FUN, DAMNIT! I’ll try convince myself that I care about watching the Oklahoma City game because I have $8 riding on it before falling asleep in my chair and waking up at 2AM in a “where am I?!?”-panic.
I’ll wake up the next morning to a living room that smells like scotch because I left my half-full glass on the coffee table, and my socks are on the ground and there are taco wrappers on the counter. Guess what, though? Don’t have to clean it up till later.
OUR WORLD:
The Top Ten Foods That Are Gross And Why Does Anyone Eat Them:
- Yogurt: The consistency, the sound it makes when you stir it and if you lick the lid then we can’t be friends anymore. I’m serious.
- Cauliflower Mashed Potatoes: Fake mashed potatoes and I am not even close to being tricked. They taste like sour mush.
- Cottage Cheese: Are people serious with this shit? Can’t be. Must be an elaborate prank.
- Grape Nuts Cereal: It’s brown gravel.
- Energy Gel/Goo: Distance runners/people who are V serious about working out eat this stuff during workouts and it’s GNARLY GROSS.
- Lox: I have never tried them and I will not.
- Black-Eyed Peas: All you’re thinking about is how normal peas are way better than these weird things.
- Ham Salad: You’re not chicken or tuna salad and you never will be. Stop trying.
- Bologna: Too smooth and round. Nope.
- Anchovies: I don’t even want to hear that you’re chopped up finely in my favorite caesar dressing.
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Ran across this song yesterday and remembered that I really like it. Not a huge fan of the video, so just put this on in the background and don’t watch the video.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Gag city.
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:
Well, I didn’t gamble on the Blazers and that’s good because I’m starting to feel like I may be jinxing teams again…I did bet on the Cubs and the over last night and the Cardinals won and the over pushed so…WINNER! Tonight, I’m loving a moneyline parlay of NBA games: Cleveland, Utah and Houston. Feels so right.
(My account currently at $204.55)
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 