OUR WORLD:
Who’s ready for part 2 of Jimmy’s “Rapid Fire Judgement Zone”?!?! I AM FEELING VERY JUDGY THIS MORN!!!!
Jason “Sr. Corporate Banker” (New York): A banker who uses a TON of gel in his hair is a little too on the nose, right? This is the kind of guy that only drinks vodka sodas at the bar while gently touching his hair to make sure it’s not out of place. NOPE.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He stays a little longer than you’d think because he starts to blend into the background and Becca forgets that he’s there. Then, one night when Becca is having an especially hard time figuring out who to send packing, Chris Harrison reminds her that Jason is still there. Relieved, Becca sprints to the rose ceremony and tosses Jason out like a surly umpire throwing a high school brat out of a playoff game. YOUUUUU’REEEEE OUTTTTTAA HEEEEEERRRRRREEEEE!
Jean Blanc “Colognoisseur” (Florida): You know me by now, right? Take a wild guess how I feel about a guy who collects expensive colognes, talks about “accouterments”, and wears a MONSTER bow tie…Here’s a somewhat controversial take: he’s the least likable person on the show so far. Hear me out! We’ll get to the male model later, but this guy seems VERY GENUINE about being a “colognoisseur”. Like, I don’t think ABC producers have told him to ramp it up. If anything, I imagine the producers were like “jesus, this dude is REALLY into spray bottles full of smells.” I don’t have any cologne-guys for friends. Maybe some of them wear it, but I have never had a friend talk to me about their cologne. If they did, I would immediately label them “cologne guy” and loudly ask them in public places “What scent did you go with today, Terry?!?!” Villains are into cologne, not heroes.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Becca gets rid of this guy in like 3 episodes. She has to catch on to his ever-changing scents, right? That’s a red flag, y’all.
Joe “Grocery Store Owner” (Illinois): I want to like this guy more than I did (spoiler alert: he gone) The VP was ALL IN on this dude, and I kinda’ get it. He was endearing when he choked during his first interaction with Becca, but he’s a grocery store owner who looks 15 years older than he is. A Chicago guy with a non-flashy job seemed right up my alley, but then he just…got…a little….too into talking about watermelons. Hey guy, “I sell watermelons” isn’t an awesome pick-up line. You think Becca couldn’t wait to call her family later that night to tell them “I think I’m falling for the watermelon salesman!” Quit fibbing yourself, bro.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He was booted, but The VP still loves him. This means that for the next 3 months, any guy in Chicago that kinda looks like this guy, she will instantly think it IS this guy and probably call me to brag about being in the same CVS as “that grocery store guy from Bachelorette.” She won’t even remember his name. SAD!
John “Software Engineer” (California): This guy dropped a HAMMER of a line when he said “I build the Venmo app.” Becca should’ve married this guy that second. I like this guy. He’s normal with a WILDLY impressive job relies on his brain and not him being a slimeball. I don’t know a TON of engineers, but they’re all the same: side part, boring fashion, even-tempered, smart, stable, and, eventually, will make a BUTTLOAD OF SWEEEEEEEET CAAAASSSSSHHHHHH. Will this dude make you laugh everyday? Probably not. But he also will never cheat on you or get heated in a fight about how to speak to a Comcast customer service representative (Literally told me to “be nicer” to this person while I was on the phone. I almost jumped out the window. SHE TOOK COMCAST’S SIDE!!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!!)
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Becca will toss this guy soon (maybe already did? Can’t remember) because he’s not SEXY. Hey Becca, congrats on being an IDIOT. While you’re taking care of baby #7 and Garrett is out fishing, John will be yacht shopping with his new Victoria Secret model wife.
Jordan “Male Model” (Florida): First, of course he’s from Florida. Second, my opinion on this dude has evolved since watching the episode live. This is obviously a put-on, and I’m kind of thinking it’s funny now. This is the guy producers saw being a little too into himself and said “yeah that, but TIMES A THOUSAND if you wanna be on tv.” This guy really wants to be on TV, so he’s jumping into the Omarosa-deep-end of the villain pool. Unfortunately for him, I just don’t think he’s a good enough actor to convincingly pull off the villain role. He’s no Chad. If he was SO cocky and full of himself, he would’ve had the stones to talk to Becca one-on-one that first night. He didn’t and you could see he was nervous. When those guys were giving him shit for not talking to her, his face had “I’m not this guy I’m portraying” written all over it. Once you accept that, his whole persona goes from being super annoying, to actually pretty funny.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He stays around through mid-season because the producers have a lot invested in him being the villain. I hope he keeps trying SUPER hard to be a dick, but then wimps out at the end. If anything, he is showing every casting director in the universe that he cannot act. Can’t wait to see this guy on page 26 of an LL Bean catalog in 8 years.
Kamil “Social Media Participant” (New York): This was the 60-40 guy! WHAT A FLOP OF AN OPENING LINE! Did he think the way to Becca’s heart was by BULLYING HER into walking towards him? Becca’s best moment of the first ep was when she refused to go past halfway. “Social Media Participant”? So….he’s on Facebook? How great would it be if this dude’s resume just listed all of his social media accounts? PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’s heckled with “60-40” jokes for the rest of his life. Eventually, he’ll change his name, shave his head and move to the mountains to get away from all the derision. But guess what, Kamil…they have TVs in the mountains too.
Leo “Stuntman” (California): My favorite guy on the show. He’s legitimately funny and I think he owns how his hair is kind of ridiculous. I’m sure he’s a real weird dude, but he’s the most interesting guy on this show. Can we please hear stories about all of his “stunts”? He did fuck up, though, when he didn’t do some crazy awesome stunt when his limo pulled in. How could he not have crashed the car or jumped a tree in a motorcycle or jumped off the roof to meet her?
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He better stay around long enough to impress the whole cast with some WILD stunt. There was a shot of an ambulance in the season trailer, and you better believe I’m hoping it has to do with a stunt this guy tries to pull, that goes VERY BADLY.
Lincoln “Account Sales Executive” (California): Is this the classic bait-and-switch? I thought this dude was pretty nice, but the trailers for the rest of the season imply that he becomes THE bad guy. CAN WE TRUST NOTHING?!?! The VP likes his accent a lot and I did say “God Damn!” when they showed him doing some ab workout that looked impossible.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: His whole “scandal” is not going to be nearly as exciting as the season-long trailer made it look. Is he this season’s Crystal? Highly doubtful. UNLESS, the scandal is about his accent! What if he just changes it from episode to episode? One episode it’s Jamaican, the next it’s a thick southern accent. Yeah, that’s gonna be the “scandal” of the season.
Nick “Attorney” (Florida): The VP really really likes this guy and I find that somewhat upsetting. This guy? I mean, he’s decent looking but doesn’t he just look like if the bad guy in “The Karate Kid” got a law degree? And this picture? A QZ with no undershirt is a WILDLY COCKY move. I’d imagine this guy telling you that he wants to bang your sister and then not comprehending why that makes you FURIOUS.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He tells Becca that he’s into some really weird bedroom stuff and The VP, trying to save face, has to try to pretend that zipper mask stuff is normal.
These guys don’t matter and I will not waste my time on their SORRY ASSES!
FINAL PREDICTION: Colton is going to win and there will be a social media movement defending virgins everywhere. I will feel like a bully for making fun of his virginity and, due to overwhelming public pressure, will be forced to resign my post as “Judgey Blog Writer Who People Don’t Really Pay Attention To”. It’s been gun, guys. Who woulda’ thought Jimmyschair would be taken down by a virgin?
MY WORLD:
Tomorrow morning I have to set up a booth at a college music festival. Northwestern University has an end-of-the-year music fest every year, and the company I work for is a big sponsor for it. It’s my job to make sure our booth looks good and we’re ready to roll. This means, however, that I’m going to be surrounded by college kids wearing tank tops and cool hats. How am I supposed to act? I’m really not sure. Being 32, I don’t feel like college was THAT long ago but…like, it was. In an effort to feel young, do I try to befriend some of these kids? What’ll probably happen is I’ll try too hard to come off like the cool-guy and will fail miserably. Here’s what I’m thinking I can talk to these kids about tomorrow:
-Drake vs. Pusha T: I’ll say something like “Drake shouldn’t have messed with Pusha!” (I don’t like Drake and don’t know Pusha T)
-Music: I’ll say something like “I’ve been listening to a lot of Chance lately!” (I haven’t. I think Chance is overrated.)
-Politics: I’ll say something like “Just legalize it already!” (Honestly, I hope they don’t legalize weed. It’ll just mean I’ll have to deal with more peer pressure to smoke it and I’m VERY VERY SCARED OF THE WEED!)
-Sports: I’ll say something like “LeBron is amazing, but Jordan was–” (and then I’ll catch myself realizing that these 20 year old kids never saw Jordan play. Me saying that I did would immediately out me as “the old guy”. DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE LEBRON MORE?!?! DOUBLEFUCKKKKKKKKK)
-Weather: I’ll say something like “Dude, sweatpants play no matter the temperature.” (As my legs sweat profusely in my thick 14 year old University of Cincinnati Jordan Brand sweatpants)
-Pop Culture: I’ll say something like “me too” to myself when I see a guy looking awkward off to the side. A girl will overhear this and think I’m making fun of the movement…and I will bring SHAME UPON THE COMPANY I AM REPRESENTING. (Jk lol omg I’m legitimately nervous about writing about the “me too” movement in a lighter way…k byeee.)
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
WHOA! MY NEW CRUSH WITH MY FAVORITE BAND?!?!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When you call Comcast because your cable isn’t working and your wife snaps at you to “be nice!” once you start to get JUST THE TEENIEST BIT aggressive with their customer service rep. If you’ve ever dealt with Comcast, you know that you HAVE to get aggressive to get what you want. Telling someone mid-aggro to “be nice!” is a quick way to get your head chopped off. (This has developed into a real fight between The VP and I and I WILL NOT BACK DOWN!)
GAMBLING IS MAYBE MY FAVORITE THING TO TALK ABOUT BUT I THINK IT’S KINDA’ BORING TO WRITE ABOUT MOST OF THE TIME SO I’M GOING TO KEEP THESE SHORT:
I bet the Cavs moneyline last night. Can you all please just look up at the sky and think about how sorry for me you are? Thank you. And to JR Smith, I would like you to know that you let me and my future children down; because of your actions, they will have less bitcoin stock to help them get through college. Hope our kids are cool with community college! As for the rest of the series, I’m seeing a Warriors sweep now. The Cavs looked like they lost they were eliminated from the universe in their postgame press conferences last night.
(My account currently at $0)
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 