OUR WORLD:
Can we cool it with the crying, guys? Last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette” was embarrassing for men everywhere. EVERYWHERE. From Lincoln crying about his picture with Becca being tossed into the pool, to that Southern NOBODY making an ALL-TIME cry-face after he got booted, last night may go down in history as the night millennial’s ruined manhood in America. This episode, though, was about one thing and one thing only: Lincoln taking the crown of “Biggest Wuss in America”
I’m all for a sensitive moment, here or there, but how come every goddamn moment in this show has to be the guy proving to Becca that he’s capable of embarrassing his grandfather? Let’s try to go through this as best as I can remember, because I am NOT going to rematch that atrocity to make sure I get the sequencing right (I HAVE WORN A TIE 4 TIMES IN THE PAST YEAR FOR CHRISSAKE!!!)
The Lincoln Crying Part
First off, Linocln’s accent really does sound like he’s a community theater actor trying WAY too hard. Now when the episode started and you saw guys acting excited about “being pampered” by getting to put on tuxedos, we all should’ve known that this was the start of something epically embarrassing. What guy gets his rocks off by drinking champagne and trying on tuxedos? That’s a fun date for a guy? Guess I’m more of a loose cargo shorts and chicken fingers kinda’ guy (SWOON ALERT! Also, I don’t really wear cargo shorts anymore, but I miss the times when I did.) Here’s an idea: let’s drink something that no man ACTUALLY likes while wearing clothes that make you feel like your entire body is choking. WAIT, DO WE GET TO DRINK CHAMPAGNE IN TUXEDOS?!?! AND THESE DUDES WERE ACTING LIKE IT WAS CHRISTMAS MORNING. Once I saw this, I turned to the VP with a “something is afoot”-look. She knew too.
Following this misplaced excitement, Chris Harrison and the GENIUS producers threw a twist in: obstacle course time. Guess what, Champagne Papi’s? TIME TO GET MESSY! YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO CRAWL THROUGH MUD! They should’ve made the obstacle course ACTUALLY difficult and had them run up to a family member who fought in a war and then have to explain how much they enjoyed the champagne and fashion show. “Hey Grandpa Bill, remember that time you told me about you hunting Nazis in the middle of the night when you were 19? Well, I don’t mean to show you up, but I’m 26 and just cried because I got to try on a tuxedo.” COOL!
Lincoln “won” this obstacle course because he cheated. Two questions: 1) What in the LIVING FUCK was Chris Harrison doing? Was he too busy preparing to remind all the guys that one rose left on the table means that “this is the final rose” to, I don’t know, POINT OUT BLATANT CHEATING? This should’ve been Chris “The Captain of I-Have-Done-Nothing-Meaningful-With-My-Life Mountain” Harrison’s shining moment as he swooped in with a hand in Lincoln’s cheating-ass chest to push him back to the ice tub. But no. Yet again, Chris Harrison’s inactivity reminds us that he’s television’s most useless human being. The person who refill’s Hoda Kotb’s backstage wine during “The Today Show” contributes more to the success of that show than Chris Harrison does to this.
SECOND QUESTION: None of the guys throw a John McEnroe type fit about this cheating? They just take it like the losers they are. This was the perfect set up for a star-making comedy turn if one of these guys would’ve lost their mind. Maybe they get kicked off the show, but at least they’re known as the funny guy who stands up for FAIRNESS! If it were me, I would’ve taken my shirt off, lit it on fire and whipped it around my head while screaming “WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY BASED ON RULES!!!!”
Later that night, Lincoln and his mood ring of an accent got all emotional when Becca gave him a picture of him with her after the obstacle course “victory.” Him pretending that this was meaningful almost caused me to punch myself IN THE FUCKING FACE. “Oh, a picture from earlier today…sweeeeeet….” Nope, this dumbass picture was enough for Lincoln to declare this as “the best first date” of his life. OUCH, BRO. VERY OUCH. How do you think the “second best first date” of Lincoln’s life went? The girl kick him in the nuts and staple a “I have no real friends” sign to his forehead? (“Yes, that girl did fire a staple into my forehead, but my Aunt bought me this ice cream cone so, all in all, it was a pretty good night.”-Lincoln re: the second best first date of his life, as blood pours from his forehead onto his vanilla ice cream.)
The episode really kicked into overdrive, though, once Fitness Coach Connor (I said I’m not a trainer!) tossed the framed photo of Lincoln and Becca into the pool. I actually respected the move at the time. This group of dudes was WAY overdue for a meathead moment, and this was kinda’ close to that. I was in. But then Lincoln tattled to Becca which eventually led to Connor giving a HEARTFELT APOLOGY. WHAT?!?!?!!? Once Connor found out that Lincoln ran to Becca to cry about that dumb picture taking a dive, he should’ve gone to the nearest gun store to buy a sawed-off JUST so he could put it to Lincoln’s head. “Now Lincoln, you’re gonna be a good boy and go back to Becca to tell her that you dropped the picture in the pool and that your good friend Connor dove in to pick it up for you.” I’ve decided that firearms need to be introduced to this season of “The Bachelorette”.
Instead, though, Connor forced up some “that’s not me”-type apology re: the picture in the pool. If you weren’t yelling “oh give me a fucking break!” at your television by this point, we may be different species. Not only that, but that apology WASN’T ENOUGH FOR BECCA. She still had to throw the “I just need some time” at Connor. Some time for what? To remember that grown man Lincoln ran to you like a teacher at recess? Hey Becca, is that the kind of guy you want to BE THE FATHER TO YOUR CHILDREN?!?!?!
Lincoln wasn’t done, though. Nope. No way. The next morning, while recounting this picture in the pool situation, he started crying in front of a group of guys that weren’t there. This was the most unbelievable crying situation I’ve ever seen. UN. BE. LIEV. ABLE. A 26 year-old man who is built like a friggin’ adonis just cried in front of a group of guys about a picture of him with a girl he had spoken MAYBE 4 sentences to in his entire life. You know the Starbucks barista you’ve seen a few times? Now imagine being surrounded by a bunch of strangers, all guys, and crying about a picture of you and that Starbucks barista that was tossed into a pool. “She always put just the right amount of foam on top of my latte!” During this whole scene, I was DYING for one of these guys to go into straight-bully mode: point at Lincoln, laugh like any movie villain EVER, and try to stuff him in a closet somewhere in that big, dumb house. If you showed a video of this scene during an Anti-Bully rally, you’d see the entire crowd shrug like “are we sure we don’t want ANY bullies?”
If you still think that guys with muscles can’t be ALL-TIME-WIMPS, I would like to introduce you to Bachelorette Lincoln, “The Biggest Wuss in America”.
A QUICK JIMMYSCHAIR SUGGESTION IN LIEU OF A “MY WORLD”:
The pilot episode for “Succession” on HBO was one of the best pilot episodes I have seen in a while. Terrific acting plus solid writing equals ME LIKEY. If you’re looking for a new show to get into, “Succession” has “You’re going to talk to your friends about this”-written all over it. Supposedly, other reviews said the episode was “boring.” Too bad those other reviews are stupid and should be IMMEDIATELY redacted because that is PATENTLY WRONG. It’s funny and smart, and if you don’t think Brian Cox is the best “angry old-guy” actor going, you need to get your head out of the sand, pal!
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I like this remix because I’m YOUNG!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Supposedly, this guy saw this kid messing with a bunch of cars in the parking lot, and tried to put a stop to it. Aside from hating this kid, the reason I hate this video is that there wasn’t some other kid to act like a hero by jumping in with a tire iron to WHOMP this little brat. If we’re being totally honest, I would’ve been fine if this adult threw this kid into an active volcano, but I don’t think I can totally advocate for that in a public forum such as this. If, however, someone the same age as this kid, showed up with a home-run swing and a rusty tire iron, we’d all be happy, right?
WRITING ABOUT GAMBLING ON THE NBA FINALS IS BORING ME SO I’M GOING TO TAKE A BREAK FROM IT FOR A LITTLE BIT. PLEASE DON’T CRY LIKE “BACHELORETTE” LINCOLN ABOUT THIS.
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 