OUR WORLD:
What is the age where you stop going to the movies? All of a sudden, it’s some special occasion to go sit with strangers in the dark, overpay for soda in an embarrassingly huge cup, and order a small popcorn (watching that figure) that you have to be careful not to finish before the previews end. (Ever get to the start of the movie and look into your popcorn bag just to see seeds? Enjoy the next 120 minutes of feeling disgusted with yourself!) Going to the movie theaters used to be a thing I’d decide to do on a random Wednesday because…uh…I wanted to. It wasn’t a whole fucking production where I’d have to research the movie on 18 different websites to make sure I wasn’t about to waste 14 of my hard earned dollars. And finding a movie that your wife is ALSO into, so you don’t have to apologize forever if it sucks, is CRITICAL. Few things in life are worse than having to wear a bad movie pick. “Hey, remember that time you talked me into seeing ‘Suicide Squad’?”-is something I still say to a friend of mine 2+ years later. It’s a sharp knife that cuts deep.
I think the age when going to the movies changes is 26. Now, the advent of Netflix and On Demand and all the other shit is not what I’m talking about because that’s a bigger discussion that I DON’T WANT TO WRITE ABOUT! 26 is when you look in the mirror and go “hmmm, I should probably start to prove to people that I’m not a selfish piece of shit.” You start dating another human being; begin thinking about “career path” and actually trying at work, and maybe even buy a dog. You trade “hey bro, wanna go see that cop movie?” for “hey babe, did Belle make a big poop or a little poop on her walk?…NO POOP!?!?!” By the time you get to 33 (guys! That’s my age!) and you’re consumed with work and saving money and talking to your friends about how lame you are now that you’re over 30, going to the movies becomes a long shot. (I’m aware I don’t have kids yet, and I’m sure my friends who are parents are rolling their eyes like “he doesn’t know the first thing about responsibility.” Yeah, you’re right. But I’m writing this blog, so you can back the fuck off.)
In trying to figure out ways to get all of us 30-somethings back into theaters, I would like to propose some remakes of films that let us all down just a little bit. Obviously, we don’t want to see remakes of films that were FUCKING AMAZING because…uh…they can only get worse. But what about those movies that were sooooooo close to being amazing? You know that feeling where you look to the person next to you after 20 minutes and go “holy shit!” but then leave the theater talking about how it JUST missed? Looking back on our pre-26 free wheeling, movie going days, here are the films that JUST missed being great, but would immediately get all our whiny asses back in the theater. Ladies and gentlemen, the “Almost Great Movie Re-Do”:
WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005):
IMDB PLOT SUMMARY FOR THE DUMMIES THAT DON’T REMEMBER THIS MOVIE: Ray Ferrier (Cruise) is a divorced dockworker and less-than-perfect father. When his ex-wife and her new husband drop off his teenage son Robbie and young daughter Rachel for a rare weekend visit, a strange and powerful lightning storm suddenly touches down. What follows is the extraordinary battle for the future of humankind through the eyes of one American family fighting to survive it in this contemporary retelling of H.G. Wells seminal classic sci-fi thriller.
Look, I get that it’s easy to stamp Tom Cruise as a certified WEIRDO, but his IMDB page is a list of “Oh, I loved that”s and if you disagree then you, muchacho, have a big dump in your pants. “War of the Worlds” stands out to me because I remember sitting in the theater after the initial alien invasion, about 20 minutes through the movie, thinking “I cannot wait to watch this every time I see it on TNT for the rest of my life.” And then the last two thirds of the movie didn’t live up to the first act (movie term, UCLA film school nbd…the debt from UCLA film school, however, is a VERY big deal. Shit.) Alien invasion survival movies are in my wheelhouse, though, and the story of a divorced dad trying to save his family, while proving that he’s not the dirtbag everyone thought he was, has JIMMY LIKEY written all over it. (Jimmy relating to a dirtbag divorcee…interesting…) 13 years later, let’s take a shot at recasting:
Ray Ferrier (Originally Tom Cruise): Bradley Cooper–In the 4 years since “American Sniper” he hasn’t been in anything that matters. Time for B. Coop to take on a movie that allows him to be the bright shining star that he is. Combine the cocky dickbag he played in “The Hangover” with the quiet, tough guy he was in “American Sniper” and you have the EXACT divorced dad I wanna watch trying to save his family.
Rachel Ferrier (Ray’s daughter, originally Dakota Fanning): Millie Bobbie Brown–the lead girl in “Stranger Things”. Millie is this decade’s Dakota Fanning; the only teen girl actress that adult men know. That’s why I picked her…I legit couldn’t think of another name and if you can, then congrats, you’re creepy!
Robbie Ferrier (Ray’s son, you’ve never heard of the original actor): Lucas Hedges–the kid from “Manchester By The Sea”. You need a dude who’s almost a full-blown adult (Lucas is 21) so he can rebel against Ray throughout the movie while building up to the scene at the end where we see Ray hug his crying son for the first time in years. Lucas has a great cry-face too, which is VITAL for that climactic “I love you Dad” scene at the end.
Mary Ann Otto (Ray’s ex-wife, you’ve never heard of the original actress): Vera Farmiga–the psychiatrist from “The Departed”. Did I pick her because I have an all-time crush on her? Very much YES. However, when you need someone who isn’t overwhelmingly beautiful (realism, folks) and can also toss a cutting “you were never home!” towards the Ray character, you take the lady who tricked Clooney into falling in love with her like Vera did in “Up In The Air.”
MIAMI VICE (2006):
IMDB PLOT SUMMARY FOR THE DUMMIES THAT DON’T REMEMBER THIS MOVIE: Ricardo Tubbs is urbane and dead smart. He lives with Bronx-born Intel analyst Trudy, as they work undercover transporting drug loads into South Florida to identify a group responsible for three murders. Sonny Crockett [to the untrained eye, his presentation may seem unorthodox, but procedurally, he is sound] is charismatic and flirtatious until – while undercover working with the supplier of the South Florida group – he gets romantically entangled with Isabella, the Chinese-Cuban wife of an arms and drugs trafficker. The best undercover identity is oneself with the volume turned up and restraint unplugged. The intensity of the case pushes Crockett and Tubbs out onto the edge where identity and fabrication become blurred, where cop and player become one – especially for Crockett in his romance with Isabella and for Tubbs in the provocation of an assault on those he loves.
If you told me the director of “Heat” was making a movie about drug-running undercover cops, but the only way I could see it is if I PROVED that I could fly, I would immediately start jumping off buildings. So…I’d essentially kill myself to see Michael Mann direct this kind of movie. I remember seeing it when it first came out and thinking it was too long and too boring and too artsy. There aren’t specific scenes or lines that I remember, and that sucks because this is the kind of movie that you should be quoting to your buddies ten years later. Real, dead serious question for everyone: who doesn’t like movies about potentially dirty cops with personal issues? “Training Day”, “Heat”, “American Gangster”, “Serpico”, and “The Departed” ALL feature these characters and ALL are “I’m not changing the channel until this is over”-classics. Therefore, whenever a movie with potentially dirty cops who have personal issues doesn’t become a “I’m not changing the channel until this is over”-classic they should just keep remaking it until they find the right balance.
Sonny Crockett (Originally Colin Farrell): Tom Hardy–if Tom Hardy isn’t the first name to come to mind when trying to think of a badass with good hair and underlying personal demons, then you need to get some electroshock therapy cuz your mind is BUSTED. Listen, Tom Hardy could be in a movie about birdwatching and I’d stand in line to go see it, but him getting to play a coked out cop who falls in love with the wrong girl is what he was born to do. Who else is excited for the scene where he kills a bad guy with his bare hands and then flips his hair back and looks at the camera like a dog with rabies trying to catch his breath? I SEE IT IN MY DREAMS!!!
Ricardo Tubbs (Originally Jamie Foxx): Chiwetel Ejiofor–We need a smart looking guy (check!) who also isn’t a total pushover. Combine the character he played in “The Martian” (smart, kinda nerdy dude) with the “whoa, this is a little too realistic”-performance he gave in “12 Years A Slave” and you have someone who can tell coked out Tom Hardy to “JUST CALM THE FUCK DOWN!” Will there be a scene where Chiwetel shoves Hardy against the wall after Hardy got a little too physical with a potential witness? You fucking bet there will be!
Isabella (Sonny’s romantic interest, originally Li Gong): Rooney Mara–Let’s think of a girl who we could see married to a drug kingpin. She’s going to have to look a little scary, but also be able to pull off a little “girl next door” so that Tom Hardy can save her with his cool hair and reckless behavior. Rooney proved her scary chops in “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” where I remember thinking “I would rather date Michael Myers than this girl.” AND! She proved her “girl next door” chops as the Mark Zuckerberg’s opening-scene girlfriend in “The Social Network.” Her signature scene in this will be when she’s next to her drug kingpin bad guy but giving the “we shouldn’t do this”-eyes to Tom Hardy. FORBIDDEN LOVE IS ALIVE AND WELL!
BATMAN BEGINS (2005):
IMDB PLOT SUMMARY FOR THE DUMMIES THAT DON’T REMEMBER THIS MOVIE: When his parents are killed, billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne relocates to Asia where he is mentored by Henri Ducard and Ra’s Al Ghul in how to fight evil. When learning about the plan to wipe out evil in Gotham City by Ducard, Bruce prevents this plan from getting any further and heads back to his home. Back in his original surroundings, Bruce adopts the image of a bat to strike fear into the criminals and the corrupt as the icon known as ‘Batman’. But it doesn’t stay quiet for long.
Maybe in hindsight this movie looks worse than it really is, but “The Dark Knight” and “Dark Knight Rises” were so much better than the first in this trilogy that I’m dying for Chris Nolan to ask for a do-over. It’s a Nolan Batman movie so it’s still watchable, but tell me one scene that you actually remember from this movie and I’ll be your butler for the rest of my life. You can’t do it. Meanwhile, we can all basically remember EVERY. SINGLE. SCENE. from “The Dark Knight” and most of Tom Hardy’s scenes from “Dark Knight Rises”. What do I think went wrong? I think it wasn’t dark enough and Liam Neeson just isn’t THAT captivating of a villain. Tough to go up against Ledger’s “Joker” and Hardy’s “Bane”, but the most memorable part of Neeson’s “Ducard” is his weird facial hair. Whenever some dummy asks you “well, what sequel was EVER better than the original?” you should start with this.
Bruce Wayne/Batman (Originally Christian Bale): Michael B. Jordan–Trying to think of who should play Batman next is always a fun game. This time, I just kept going back to MBJ. Yes, him being the first black Batman would cause a social media meltdown in both good and bad ways, but he checks ALL of the boxes we need for a Batman. Young enough to kick off a franchise that could span the next decade? Check. A big enough star that people would be excited to see him don the cape? Check. Ability to look great in a tux, built enough to kick many many asses, and acting chops to carry a love story? Proved his love story chops in “Friday Night Lights” and this dude is built like a shit brickhouse in “Creed”. Try this exercise: Look at the IMDB picture of MBJ. He’s in a tux and smiling. Now close your eyes and imagine if you had to name that person any name in the world, what would you name him? Bruce. Fucking. Wayne.
Ducard (Originally Liam Neeson): Joaquin Phoenix–We need an older guy, who can pull off weird facial hair and go to creepy enough places to create a memorable villain. You don’t get much more enigmatic than Joaquin, folks. The only reason I hesitated casting him in this role is because whenever they inevitably remake “The Dark Knight,” I think Joaquin would make the PERFECT Joker. Too bad, I got him for this first! One of the most underrated actors ever, Joaquin has a nice enough smile to kinda’ trust, with eyes that scream “something DARK is going on behind those!”
Rachel Dawes (Originally Katie Holmes): Elizabeth Olsen–The lesser known, but super beautiful Olsen sister. Katie Holmes was a weird casting decision because she’s not beautiful enough to reel in Batman. Point blank, NOT HOT ENOUGH. It’s friggin’ Batman for chrissake. So we need a KNOCKOUT ROCKET who can pull off the “Bruce! Help!” scream in a not-cheesy way. Check out Olsen in “Wind River”. Stunningly beautiful who can knock the wind out of you with her “I’m about to cry cuz I’m scared”-face.
Jim Gordon (Originally Gary Oldman): Kyle Chandler–This guy was meant to play Jim Gordon and I will not hear any arguments that say otherwise.
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
A guy I’m kinda’ friends with on Facebook posted this and I almost fainted.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When you have to pick up your wife from the airport at 10PM on a Sunday while making sure to pretend that you’re not SUPER SALTY that she ruined your martini and HBO weekend sendoff.
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 