MY WORLD:
I’m four days into 2019 and I haven’t made any resolutions yet, which must mean that whatever I accomplish this year is gravy, right? Like, my contract with this year is blank, so if I devote all my daytime energy to not rolling my eyes during my job, and all my nighttime energy to eating all the fun-sized candy that the VPs Mom gave me for Christmas, then I’m Gucci, no? (No Jimmy, that would mean you made a resolution to be a fat piece of shit this year.) Well, just in case becoming the unapologetic fatso I dream of one day becoming isn’t enough, I figure I should make a few resolutions.
Before I get into that, though, can we touch quickly on how people actually go about making resolutions? The process I usually “make resolutions” goes as such:
- Wake up INSANELY hungover on January 1.
- Lay on the couch all day watching reality television that I can’t really enjoy because my brain feels like it’s trying to escape the body that I so badly abused the night before.
- Get really scared about going to work on January 2 when I go from couch to bed at night.
- Wake up depressed as hell on January 2 only to get more depressed while getting ready to go to work.
- Talk to myself on the drive to work and say something along the lines of “this is the year I’m going to finally _____.” BOOM! RESOLUTION!
When I went into writing that list, I was thinking “people that actually sit down on Jan. 1 and write out their goals for 2019 are so dumb and lame!” Unfortunately, now that I wrote out my resolution process, it appears that I am the dumb and those who actually put focused energy into goal setting are…my enemies. (Pssst! Calling someone “A dumb” is a killer burn that takes a moment to sink in, but hits harder than post-hibachi diarrhea when it does) Yeah, that’s right, if I’m a dumb lazy, then the smart and motivated are my natural enemies. Wow, glad I finally figured that out! (I wanted to make a joke about how this must be the feeling Einstein had when he figured out E = MC squared but then I quickly remembered that I have never known what the fuck E or M or C stand for so I passed on that joke. Credit to my decision making skills for passing on that joke.)
In an effort to piss off my newfound enemies, who will be referred to as “Nerks” going forward (combo of Nerd and Jerk…name-calling is the type of shit they can’t compete with me on), let’s dive into my “2019 resolutions I could have made, but didn’t officially so now I’ll make them but if I break them it doesn’t really count.”
I will get off cable.
Whoa, first one is a real shot across the bow of all Nerks! DON’T DO ‘EM LIKE THAT, JIM! Hey Nerks, guess what? I don’t need cable to watch all my shows. I CAN WATCH THEM ON A CHEAPER STREAMING SERVICE LIKE HULU OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!! (Wait…so he’s not weening himself off television…he’s just finding another way to get it? Yeah, it’s like an alcoholic who says they’re done with whiskey…so they can get into vodka.) Over Christmas break, I was around a good amount of human beings who were (and still are!) younger than me, and the thing that became INSANELY OBVIOUS is that you are a Top Tier Dumb if you still pay for the “hook it up to that thing in your wall”-cable.
The VP had a couple of 10 year old cousins who talked to me for like ten million minutes about how much YouTube they watch…and…hold on, my dog is throwing up.
Yeah, that was real, my dog threw up right when I got to that part. Don’t worry, though, she made sure to do it all over the carpet and not the hardwood floor because she’s thoughtful. Then, when The VP came over to “supervise”, aka stand and watch, how I was cleaning up said vomit she started dry heaving. I can’t wait to have kids!
Back to my point, after speaking to super young and, thus, super hip people, it is clear that the only people that still have cable are old and not hip. Since I’m already fat and lazy, I can’t afford to add old and not hip to that combo. So I did some serious research (as in typing “Hulu Live TV” into Google) and have discovered that I can pay less to watch just as much television as I do now.
Hey Nerks, that’s called finding a deal AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO WEAR DORKASS GLASSES TO FIND IT! (1 point Jimmy, 0 points Nerks)
I will throw out all of the clothes that I bought or were bought for me when I was in college.
I have 3 sets of clothes. One, are the four outfits I have that are current and fit and look good when I wear them. I wear these outfits about 73% of the time that you see me. The second set are my fat clothes. These clothes are mostly from Old Navy and were bought when I was at my biggest about 2.5 years ago and include: big loose khakis, big loose quarter-zips from the Polo outlet store, and, you guessed it, my big, puffy North Face coat that is so big you’re unable to tell if it’s me or the jacket.
The third, and final set of clothes that I have are the clothes from my college years. Most of these clothes are very tired looking and, currently, too tight for me to wear. However, every few years I’ll convince myself that I can get back into them if I get back to kicking my ass in the gym. So I’ll kick my ass into the gym for a few months, wiggle my legs into my 31 waist college jeans, not be able to button them but look at myself in the mirror and say “but close!” Then I’ll ease off the gym and never actually get in good enough shape to fit into those GODDAMN COOL-GUY SKINNY JEANS THAT I WAS ABLE TO PULL OFF IN 2006!
*I would like to point out that by throwing these clothes out, I am not conceding that I will never be super fit again. I am simply becoming a minimalist and that’s, like, super impressive on many, many levels. (1 normal point, 1,000 multi-level points Jimmy, 0 normal points, 0 multi-level points Nerks)
I will get my hair cut before it enters the “if you don’t wear a hat, everyone who sees you today is going to think less of you”-stage of hair length.
I’m about 2 months away from that time at the moment. For the past few years, I get my hair cut about twice a year. That’s not a joke. I get it cut, like it for a few weeks, and then slowly, but surely convince myself that if I really try, I can pull off the “Bradley Cooper in ‘A Star is Born'”-hair. Unfortunately, my hair does this thing where it…doesn’t look good when it’s long. Once it enters this “not looking good”-phase, I normally toss a hat on every day to accentuate my sweet hair wings, leaving onlookers to ponder how amazing the hair under the hat must look, considering the hair that’s escaping the hat is so flow.
But then, this thing happens where I can’t wear a hat like: a funeral, or a wedding, or a meeting with a real successful person who thinks hats are a sign of weakness. So I have to go hatless and I start getting looks and comments like “your hair is long.” I know what that means friendo. “Your hair is long,” really means “you’re too old and your hair isn’t good enough to pull off this look.” Well in 2019, I’m not even gonna allow you to drop a passive-aggressive “your hair is long” on me. Get ready to not even think about my hair!
(To Gajillion Points Jimmy, Deadzone 3000 Nerks)
I will write a minimum of 3 Jimmyschair pieces per week.
LET’S LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
The podcast “Slow Burn” is super addicting! I’m listening to Season 1 right now all about “Watergate” and I can’t get enough of it. Nixon had issues y’all!
LET’S HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When your dog throws up on the carpet and your wife starts dry-heaving so you tell her to “cool it” and then YOU’RE THE BAD GUY! DON’T MIND ME, JUST SOPPING UP OUR DOG’S VOMIT WITH YOUR OVER-DRAMATIC DRY HEAVING AS THE SOUNDTRACK!!!!
JIMMY GAMBLES:
Very up and down bowl season left me with a little over $22 in my account when Texas played Georgia on Tuesday night. I put that last $22 on the Texas moneyline (+400) and BANG-A-FUCKIN-RANG! Nothing is scarier than going up against someone with nothing to lose, and that was Super Hungover Jimmy vs. Bovada on Tuesday night. Thoughts and prayers out to Bovada, cuz I’m fucking back in a BIG WAY.
(Account currently at $104.67)
K, bye.
Jimmy's Chair 