*Trying something new-ish today. From time to time, when I don’t feel like there’s a ton going on in either “my world” or “our world,” I’m going to fantasize about something that I am realistically excited about. I’m going to call it “34-Year-Old Dude Mundane Fantasy Time”
34-YEAR-OLD DUDE MUNDANE FANTASY TIME:
-First NFL Sunday Morning of the Year-
Close your eyes with me for a little bit (yes, even if you’re driving). It’s the first full NFL Sunday of the year, and since you stopped yourself after beer #3 last night , you’re up before 7am. You kinda wake your wife up on purpose as you make your way out of bed, but you pretend like it’s an accident, and say something like “shit, I’m sorry. Hey, I’m going to the gym.” She needs to know that you’re going to the gym (those not-washboard-abs be damned!). You get to the gym and make eye contact with a few people inside. Guess what? This is the responsible adults club and, by showing up early on a Sunday, you’re now a part of it; don’t forget to pick up your “Look-At-Me-Not-Wasting-Plastic”-tote bag.
Now what you do during this gym visit won’t matter as long as you’re there for at least 48 minutes. The bike with the recliner seat on the back? Yeah, that’s fine. But, keep in mind, if you actually do break a sweat, then you can get a bagel on your way back. NFL Pregame shows are on every single television, and most of the people there are wearing some sort of Bears something. As you climb on the elliptical (the winner of the “hey, it’s not the easiest machine in here”-award) you share a look with the woman next to you, and connect…”Go Bears,” you say. Unfortunately, she was wearing headphones, which was obvious because headphones aren’t invisible, so now she’s scrunching her face and taking her headphones off mid-workout. “No, no, it’s ok-” but it’s too late.
“What did you say?” She annoyingly asks.
“Nevermind, sorry.” Okay, minor bump in the road. Don’t let it derail your First NFL Sunday mood. DON’T CRY! STOP CRYING!!! Distract yourself by pushing yourself into those supremely awkward “is this what running in outer space is like?”-elliptical movements. You’ve got a fantasy football podcast going and guess what? THAT HEADPHONE WEARING STRUMPET NEXT TO YOU BE DAMNED!!! YOU’RE FUCKING BACK! Matta’ fack, take a look at what resistance she’s doing, go a few levels higher on your machine and make a promise to yourself that you won’t get off your elliptical before she gets off hers….NO MATTER WHAT! If she catches you looking at her screen, that’s fine. Let her deal with her own insecurities, did Jordan feel bad for dunking on white guards? Not your fault that you’re a psychopath elliptical killer.
After dominating a 50 minute elliptical session, guess what time it is? Yep, it’s time to walk out of the gym and over to the bagel and coffee place a half block away. Before returning to your kingdom, you must treat the hungover scoundrels to a “this is what an adult looks like on a Sunday morning”-show.
You know you’ve earned a bagel with extra cream cheese, so order that shit, but make sure you loudly say “excuse me!” while pointing at your very sweaty t-shirt to anyone who gets close to you. If you feel like expanding that to a “excuse me, I got up at 7 on a Sunday and worked out for an hour which is why my shirt is so so so sweaty and I don’t want you and the sleep in your eyes to accidentally touch it and be grossed out,” that’s fine. A little long? Sure, but being isn’t being completely honest always okay?
Once you get back to your apartment, with an extra iced coffee for your VP of Ops (not my VP, right?…Wait, what? She said she was staying at her friends last night…) Your VP will, most likely, have something like Food Network, or Not-Football on TV, but once you walk in she’ll know that her television minutes are numbered. How mad can she get, though, when you hand over her iced coffee, made exactly the way she likes it, AND you offer to split your bagel with cream cheese with her? You debated the entire ride home whether you’d offer to split the bagel, and decided that there’s no way out of it (why didn’t you just get a second bagel YOU IDIOT!!!)
“Half for you, half for me,” you say while praying that she says ”no thanks, you earned the whole-”
“Perfect! Thanks babe!” As she extends an open hand….
Okay, that did not go as planned and now you’re really sad, BUT! BUT! Working out following by only half a bagel? Get ready to try those college jeans on again because you are now OFFICIALLY SKINNY! (Make sure you give her the bottom half of the bagel. Enjoy that plain-ass bottom babayyy!)
It’s a little before 10am, so you’re practically tingling with football electricity right now. You’ve got 11 minutes to shower before the least horrible NFL pregame show starts, so clock is ticking, But, once you get in the bathroom, you look down at your phone and remember, “I haven’t told my group chat that I worked out yet.” The chat is on fire about fantasy and gambling bullshit, but you passively insert yourself by texting out something that starts with “now that I got the gym out of the way…” Now they know. All the other slobs in the group now feel guilty for eating their unearned toaster strudels. Mission Goddamn Accomplished.
It’ll seem like you should shower while listening to that Fantasy Football Podcast, but come on, even you know that podcast is boring. (Are there people in the world that take silent showers?) So switch it up for those last 9 minutes before NFL Pregame and put some music, like Eric Church or Darius Rucker’s “Wagon Wheel” on. I’m talking music that screams good times, beers and sun. Even if it’s raining. Sing along in the shower, and while it doesn’t have to be loud enough for Old Wifey to hear it, if you’re feeling into it, don’t hold back. This is your friggin’ day, random 34 year-old dude.
Towel around your waste, stroll through the living room holding your Eric Church-blastin’ iPhone while doing that cool sway strut on your way to change. If you’re really looking to enter that “annoying, but funny”-zone, I suggest standing directly in front of the television your VP is watching and pretending not to hear her when she asks you to move. It’ll start as funny, then she’ll get bad, but if you hold strong, it’ll return to funny. Be patient.
Change into your stretchy jeans (what an invention!) and that Bears t-shirt you bought in college, but is big and soft enough to still not look ridiculous. When you re-emerge from the bedroom, donning your best NFL FanDude uniform, be prepared for your VP to play some whole “I’m not giving you the remote”-game. Now, listen carefully because this is a very dangerous time for all of us. At first, you’ll think it’s cute when she holds the remote away, or sits on it, or runs into the other room with it. But when she continues for that extra 1.3 minutes, that may extend to the start of that pregame show you’re aiming for, DO NOT ENTER THE LEGITIMATE ANGER ZONE. GUYS! IT’S NOT WORTH IT! This means avoiding the following:
- Throwing a harsh cuss in, like “just gimme the FUCKING remote!”
- Saying “I’ll just watch it in the bedroom” and then, having re-entered the bedroom, slamming the door.
- Bringing up the coffee and half bagel you got her no less than 16 minutes ago in an attempt to drown her in guilt lagoon.
Just be cool, be cool, EVERYONE BE COOL!!! (But be careful not to fake-laugh too hard either because that’ll just extend this).
When she relents, feel free to drop a “you know what? Actually, you wanna watch one more ‘Barefoot Contessa’?” and when she begins to light up, give her the old “PSYCHHHHHH!!!! FOOTBALL TIME BABAYYYYY!!!”
Phone in hand, computer screen on the coffee table in front of you, it’s football time. The only thing left is your inner countdown to when you can crack that first beer. I say as long as you’re within 30 minutes of game time, you’re golden. And if that feels like forever away, remember that your “get out of beer jail”-card is a bloody mary.
Wait, you hear that?
Jimmy's Chair 