MY WORLD:
Mike Jones is a Houston rapper who rapped something about saying “Mike Jones? Who?” years ago and there are people my age joking about people who don’t know who Mike Jones is. Confused? If so, you better be careful, or you’ll end up like I did–sitting in a car laughing nervously about this “joke” while praying that the other people in the car didn’t turnaround and go “please explain this Mike Jones joke to the class, Jimmy!!!” I have no idea who Mike Jones is, still, but the people who do know who he is sounded very cool and current and alternative and COOL! So like, can I become one of those people? Can I become a “I know about cool rap stuff”-guy?
There are little groups bonded around things I don’t know about, that I’m jealous of. If you think that jealousy ends when you graduate from High School, try spending a weekend around people who know about things like Mike Jones and it’ll take you right back (tell them the story about how you used to hide in the library and eat your lunch! That’s a fun one!) While sitting in the back of a car resisting the urge to say “this Mike Jones character sure sounds spunky!” I started thinking about things, activities, and topics that I, as a 34 year old MAN, think I would like to get into at some point (unless I’m like not allowed to because that group is already full and they just can’t fit one more person into it. I mean, it’s fine, I don’t even really care. I was actually not even really interested to begin with, so it’s like, whatever. Okay…I’m gonna go back to the library now!)
Here is the Jimmyschair list of “Things I Think I’d Like to Get Into Maybe? If it’s cool? If it’s not cool, though, that’s fine. I’m just like, chill, whatever. That hat is really cool by the way. So we’ll talk later? Or not. Whatever.”:
HIKING:
Did hiking exist before Instagram? One of nature’s great unknowns, huh? It feels like a large group of the people I follow on THE GRAM (make sure you keep saying cool slang like that so people know you’re not a cop!) got together one morning and were like “alright, does everyone have their big backpack, short shorts, and sporty brown hiking boots? Nobody tell Jimmy about this! DANIEL? YOU DIDN’T TELL JIMMY ABOUT THE BIG COOL BACKPACK STORE DID YOU?!?!?! DANIEL!?!?!” Then Daniel was all “I haven’t talked to Jimmy since the Mike Jones incident,” so the group started up the hill, taking beautiful pictures meant to clog my instagram feed and make me feel VERY EXCLUDED (maybe if your thighs weren’t so big, you’d be invited to the cool, tiny shorts store!)
I don’t even know what hiking really is. Like, if I eat a Cliff Bar and then walk up a big hill in my old Brooks running shoes, did I just go hiking? I’m pretty sure rocks have to be involved on some level, so what if part of that hill walk includes me going over a gravel driveway? And the tiny tan shorts with a lot of pockets? Those are necessary for a hike, right? Like, if I wear my big white Indiana University mesh shorts while doing this uphill walk, it doesn’t count does it? DAMNIT!
At some point over the past few years, I think a professional Hiking Judge saw me buy a Cliff Bar at a 7-11 and ruled that I was guilty of “buying a Cliff bar as a treat, and not for sustenance during an Instagram-worthy trek uphill,” before sentencing me to “not a legit hiker”-jail for life. It was a tough sentence, but looking back, I understand. Why was I buying a nearly 300 calorie bar when all I was just going to be sitting in traffic for the next hour on my way home? Stern, but fair.
But is there any opportunity for parole? I’d love to find my way out of “not a legit hiker”-jail, so I, too, could be in a picture while wearing a big backpack at the top of a beautiful hill. What a feeling that must be! (And the Instagram likes! MY GOD, THE LIKES!!!) I imagine once you’re accepted into this group, you get some really cool perks like getting to eat a Cliff Bar and not having the 300 calories count because your body knows that you’re a hiker and need that stuff to push through all the rocks you’re gonna have to awkwardly step on.
Dear REI Store Worker,
Next time I walk in, I promise to pretend to know what kind of boot I’m buying and to not ask “which one do you think looks cool, though?” It’s all about utility, I get it. Looks? Don’t even care.
SNEAKERS:
A good amount of my friends talk about online sneaker releases, secondary markets for sneakers they bought a few months ago, and the basketball shoes that some non-mega-star has coming out that are “amazing!” I have no idea what they’re ever talking about, so I’ll throw in cheap jokes meant to throw them off my insecure scent. “You guys see the new ‘Gary Levinson’s’? No? They’re the new Brooks running shoes for suburban dads who can’t really run anymore because of their knees.”
BUT! They sound pretty cool talking about the “New Kawhi’s” and the new “Paul George” shoes and…I don’t even know if I’m supposed to fucking call them shoes or sneakers. I feel like a gym teacher from the 80s calling them sneakers, but then I swear I’ve heard a DJ on Hip Hop Radio Station use the word “sneakers” and sound cool so…What is it?!?! SHOES OR SNEAKERS?!?! GIVE ME A SIGN, GOD! GIVE ME A SIGN!
These guys are also able to pull off the new basketball sneaker/shoe with skinny jeans look, and that’s kinda unfair when I’m having a hard enough time pulling off the running shoe with relaxed jeans look (you’ve got the “suburban surrender”-look down pat!) Whenever I’m around someone NAILING this look, all I can think about is “aren’t you scared of getting those dirty? And how have they not gotten ONE SPEC OF DIRT ON THEM?!?! DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE FOLLOWING YOU AROUND WIPING YOUR SHOES WITH DISINFECTANT WIPES!?!?!” Also, do you play basketball in those shoes too? Or is that like a lame thing to do? I’m pretty sure there is one set of basketball shoes meant for skinny jeans, and then another set of basketball shoes meant for…actually playing basketball, and if you mix the two up, you’re kicked out of the sneaker guy club forever.
Last time I played basketball, I wore Brooks.
SCARY MOVIES:
I’m just tired of feeling the compulsion to blurt out “they give me nightmares” anytime the topic of scary movies comes up around me. It’s not a cool look. I’m also pretty sure that the people around me are annoyed that they can’t talk about some make-believe monsters because the 34 year old dude next to them, wearing Brooks and a small backpack, will get scared when he goes seepy at night if they do. (Here’s an idea: quit being a fucking baby, Jimmy!)
So can I just decide to stop being a baby? Is there a pill I can take that will cause me to enjoy scenes where teenagers get stabbed by a guy wearing a mask at a cabin in the woods? The people that seem to really enjoy scary movies, REALLY FUCKING ENJOY SCARY MOVIES AND LOVE TALKING ABOUT THEM! Hey guys, I love talking about stuff! Being able to talk about brutal murders while smiling also connotes a brand of “bad-assery” that I wouldn’t mind being a part of. It’s a high-wire act between bad-assery and “hey, do you think Eric liked that torture scene a little too much?” Once you master it, you’ll be as cool as Nick Wallenda walking in between skyscrapers (minus the weird family stuff going on there…)
There has to be an age you reach, where you’re just like “I pay bills and talk about politics with relatives, I can watch ‘Scream’ without softly whimpering into my pillow later. Is that age 34? CAN IT PLEASE BE 34?!?!
OUR WORLD:
I’m going on an impromptu, not-fun road trip to Kentucky today and so, of course, I will be allowed to cheat on my diet because road trip calories don’t count. Here are the Top 10 “Road Trip Treats”:
- Gardetto’s Snack Mix
- McDonald’s breakfast
- BBQ Pringles
- Chick-Fil-A waffle fries with Chick-Fil-A sauce
- Teriyaki Beef Jerky
- Honey roasted peanuts
- Gummy worms
- White chocolate and macadamia nut Cliff Bar
- Diet Mountain Dew
- 7-11 Coke Slushy
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When you get that feeling in the back of your throat that means you’re about to get sick, but you’re not TOTALLY sick yet. It’s like walking around with a bomb strapped to your chest AND YOU CAN’T GET THAT TICKING SOUND OUT OF YOUR HEAD!
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I don’t know this person, but…
JIMMY GAMBLES:
I’m at $0 right now and feeling lost. I want to gamble on something but I’m tired of baseball and I think I’m really bad at this thing. But…what if I’m not? What if I just need to…yep….STAY THE FUCKING COURSE!!!
K, bye.
Jimmy's Chair 