OUR WORLD:
When it’s a beautiful day in the summer and your friends are asking you to play golf, ENJOY NATURE! (fuck off hippy) or meet up for drinks on a big, dumb patio and you pass that up to stay in to watch television, you know you’ve got an all-time show on your hands. In normal-weather cities, like Chicago, standards for television shows go up in the summer. With 2-3 months of not-jesus-christ-it’s-freezing temperatures, passing up those days to stay indoors brings on the type of guilt that results in involuntary “I’M NOT A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!” scream sessions (especially unfortunate when these scream sessions take place inside your office.) Incurring that type of guilt-complex outburst to watch some Michael Strahan gameshow is CLEARLY not worth it. But have there been any shows this summer that are worth making your co-workers contemplate having you committed?
Let’s see….
BIG LITTLE LIES
Season 1 was fantastic with a capital FANTASTIC! I was really getting into Season 2 when I listened to a Bill Simmons podcast that basically made fun of me for loving the show…SO I GOT CONFUSED! How are you supposed to continue loving a show that your fave podcaster is kinda’ loving but also kinda’ making fun of? (Here’s how…uh…don’t be such a windsock little bitch?) I AM A GROWN MAN WHO IS TOUGH AND STRONG AND I….LIKED SEASON 2 OF ‘BIG LITTLE LIES’!!!! (Why are you crying then?)
There’s just no way to deny the acting performances in this show. I’m always overeager to give all of the credit for a show or movie’s success to the writers, but with this cast, I think they could make the fine print of your electric bill entertaining. (I never trusted that fucking meter!) Early in the season, when Meryl Streep begins to make her presence known, I remember looking to the VP after each scene and saying “no, no SHE is the best actress on this show!” Reese, Kidman, Streep, and Dern all took turns hoisting the “Best Actress on TV” trophy in between scenes of Shailene Woodley and Zoe Kravitz pretending to hold back tears because they’re tough, but not all the way because they’re DEALING WITH STUFF. (If you want to see my best impression, ask me for my Zoe Kravitz in ‘Big Little Lies’ Season 2 face. I’m incredibly proud of it.)
Now, if you haven’t finished it, I won’t lie, the ending doesn’t deliver in the way you’re hoping it will. It’s not so disappointing that you should stop watching it now, but if you were thinking of skipping getting bombed outside with friends you feel comfortable splitting a check with, then I’d urge you to reconsider. Season 2 is seven episodes, and episodes 3-5 pick up the kind of momentum that makes you say things like “I wanna be a big, little liar!” But then you watch episodes 6 & 7, calm down, and explain to your wife that you’re not a liar.
Worth giving up big, dumb patio drinking time with friends? Almost, but not if that patio serves good margaritas with fat salt crystals lining the rim.
YELLOWSTONE
I’m not qualified to even really write about this show because (you’re a bad writer and nobody values your opinions) I’m basically a full season behind. Think of this as more of a Public Service Announcement: if you have yet to start “Yellowstone,” you need to start watching it now before you’re a full two or three seasons behind and feel too intimidated to even start it. I call this the “Breaking Bad Syndrome”–where you know a show is amazing, but get so far behind that you feel like you’ll never get caught up so…you just don’t, but you do lie to people and say “oh, yeah” when they ask if you’ve seen it. Based on the first 6 episodes of Season One, “Yellowstone” is on the trajectory where in about a year and a half, most of the people you know will ask if you’ve seen it and judge you if you haven’t. It’s not too late, guys. Start now.
Think of this show as the cowboy version of “Succession,” where you trade some witty sarcasm for good fight scenes in dive bars. Kevin Costner is here to remind you that he’s still the man you want to become, and his kids in the show look really fucking cool in their ranchin’ clothes (wait, this show has ranchin’ clothes?!?!) Yeah, we’re talking full-on dusty cowboy boots, flannel shirts in the heat (how is this possible?), and cowboy hats that look like they were born to wear them. After watching a few episodes, you’ll think about adopting this look, and then quickly abandon the idea once you realize that the jeans they were aren’t stretchy (once you wear stretchy jeans, you can never return to NOT wearing stretchy jeans.)
Worth giving up big, dumb patio drinking time with friends? Yes, unless you have friends who are from Montana and say things like “I reckon'” without sounding ridiculous.
SOUTHERN CHARM
I’m going to be honest with you guys…the show badly misses T-Rav. BADLY. Now, does it make me feel good that I’m lamenting the loss of a probable-rapist from a reality show on BRAVO? No. It actually makes me feel horrible that I even wrote that, so I’m immediately taking that back. Folks, please disregard the opening two lines in this section; I’ve only had 1.7 cups of coffee thus far, and everyone knows that I’m not my true self until I’ve hit the 2.4 cup mark (he’s right, everyone knows this.)
What I’m trying to say is that this season of “Southern Charm”, while still entertaining in the way that a bag of chips is satisfying, it’s causing me to feel as bad as I do after gorging on a bag of Salt ‘n Vins. This season, more than any before, I’m finding myself saying “I think these guys are just kinda’ sad losers, though…” (Is Jimmy finally criticizing people who drink too much?) The episode where Austin breaks up with Madison over the phone and then gets hammered with Shep and Craig on like a Tuesday night, played like an exploding “WE’RE ADULT DO-NOTHINGS!” neon. And I hate that I sound like that friend who gets off on criticizing reality TV, but Shep is close to 40 and looks like damp dishrag every episode. Craig, while still lookin’ LIKE A GODDAMN SNACK, has permanent Lindsey Lohan-voice, and Kathryn feels the need to constantly remind everyone in her vicinity that, no matter how big her house is, she’s still the number one victim in the world.
Listen, it’s still worth watching to make fun of stuff with your VP of Ops (yeah, you can use it, as long as you give me proper credit every single time you do.) But the older and more responsible I’m forced to get, the more I feel myself resenting people who are given life on a silver platter, yet still complain as much as often as they breathe. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL SO STRONGLY AGAINST REALITY TELEVISION AND IT’S MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE!
Worth giving up big, dumb patio drinking time with friends? Not this season, but if T-Rav makes a comeback then…NOPE, NOPE, STOPPING NOW!
MY WORLD:
The VP and I moved into our new apartment over the weekend. Clarification: when I say that “we” moved, what I really mean is that we watched three men move all of our stuff and almost die of heat exhaustion while we pretended to do things not near them because we felt so guilty. I know what you’re thinking, “but Jimmy, did you show all the movers the scar on your leg and talk about the ankle surgery you had?” Uh, duh guys, what do I look like? You really think I’m going to be silent while being emasculated right in front of my wife? THINK AGAIN, BUBBAS! (It was still weird when you used a bright, red marker to draw a circle around your scar tho…)
Anyway, we’re in to our new, bigger apartment now and besides pretending like I’m the mayor of box city, I’ve been fantasizing about how I could configure what will soon-be my office. Yeah guys, this will be the first apartment that I finally have an office in, and I feel like Tommy Boy after his Dad shows him the mini-fridge in his new office. Right when we moved in, I walked into the office, opened the door to it’s closet and said “I could put coat–or jackets–or pants in here!” To which the VP responded, “anything, you’d like to keep out of the way.” Then I bear hugged her before barreling into the kitchen for a victory beer. (What did you even win?)
Now, I have to play this cool and say things to the VP like, “hey, this isn’t JUST my office, this is OUR office.” But, between you and me, it’s my goddamn office and I’m probably going to install a lock on it that I’m never going to give The VP a key to. “Wait, really? A lock? That’s so weird!” Will definitely be something I say to her many times before changing the subject as quickly as possible.
I’m finally going to be able to put up all of the cool pictures that the VP of Ops has had “qualms” with in past apartments (what do you mean you don’t want the picture of Michael Jordan’s last shot as a Chicago Bull above our couch?) But what else should I do with the space? Here are some options, I’m mulling:
- Multiple TVs hung on the wall
- A fancy office chair that I can see how many times I can spin around in without having my feet touch the ground
- A mini fridge
- A fish tank that I can put numerous really weird-looking fish in and name all of them “Erin”
- A phone connected to the landline that I could call from my cell phone whenever The VP and I are having a “civil disagreement,’ so when it rings, I can say, “sorry, I have to take that.”
I’ll keep you updated on my office construction, but please don’t tell The VP that it’s not hers and that she’s never going to be welcome in that room. Thanks guys.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Getting to the age where you no longer feel comfortable not updating the address on your Drivers License whenever you move. So now, moving ALSO includes a trip to the DMV.
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
JIMMY GAMBLES:
This section sucks right now and I know it. Until football season arrives, I’ll try to come up with something better.
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 