OUR WORLD:
A good friend of mine is getting married in Colorado this weekend, and aside from waiting till the absolute last second to get my shit dry-cleaned, I’m going over what not to do this weekend while at this wedding. (Wait, a 34 year old man needs to talk to himself about what he CAN’T do at a wedding?) Listen, I’m not here to try make you think I’m cool (mission accomplished, bubba). I’m here to help you avoid the wedding behavior mistakes that I’ve made and witnessed (mostly made, though) so that your friends aren’t talking about that time they found you drunkenly eating a sandwich lost in a random hotel hallway, looking like someone who belonged in a mugshot. Next time you go to a wedding, make sure you don’t do the following:
IF YOU PLAY GOLF BEFORE THE WEDDING, AVOID GETTING PAIRED WITH THE AUSTRALIAN GUY.
This means you’re going to have to go to the golf course already armed with excuses as to why you can’t play with “Mike the Australian”. Be fucking ready with these excuses, I’M NOT JOKING! Because if they’re calling out the golf cart tandems, and they call “Mike the Australian” after your name then you’re in for a world of problems if you don’t have a “shit guys, my shoulder is really acting up” in your back pocket. If, like me, you’re cocky enough to think that you can handle yourself while in a golf cart with a cool-accent-guy who drinks 24/7, then get ready to be IN TROUBLE.
Why? Because whenever you’re in close quarters with an Australian guy, you want them to like you. These people have the coolest accents in the world, and you’ll convince yourself that once you’re friends with an Australian, that some of that badassery-dust will rub off on you. It won’t, guys. You’ll just be the American guy who hung out with an Australian one time golfing at a wedding. You won’t learn how to speak like that, how to act calm in the face of danger, or how to have every girl in a room thing you’re hot no matter where your hairline sits. You’ll still be you, standing in the corner with your hands in your pockets because you forgot to cut your fingernails FOR A FOURTH STRAIGHT DAY AFTER REALIZING THEY WERE TOO LONG!!! GODDAMNIT!!!
But once you’re in a golf cart with MikeTheAustralian, you’re going to forget all this and think to yourself “I think I’m about to be best friends with a guy who sounds like Chris Hemsworth.” If you close your eyes, you’ll be able to convince yourself that you’re golfing with Thor. The problems start, however, once the cart girl comes by and asks if you’d like anything to drink. Uh….NO FUCKING DUH WE WANT DRINKS! But while your boring, no-accent real friends are ordering Bud Lights and Snickers, you view this as your opportunity to prove how badass you are to your new Thor-sounding friend. So you order two shots along with your beers, and before you know it, you’ve initiated a routine on THE SECOND FUCKING HOLE that whenever the cart girl comes around, you’re taking a shot with MikeTheAustralian.
I won’t lie to you guys, at first this is going to be really fucking cool. Your loser American friends will be all “holy shit, they’re taking shots!” and be a little jealous from afar. And Mike will be so excited that he’ll do something like slap you on the back, or grab your shoulder in that way that says “we’re gonna be lifelong friends and you’re going to be able to use an Australian accent one day because I’m going to give you the credibility to do it.” You’ll start doing the things you do as you climb Buzz mountain, like laughing too hard at mean things, using a more gravely voice to make inappropriate jokes, and completely ignoring that it’s not even 10am, you’ve had 3 shots already and you’re supposed to be at a fancy dinner AFTER this round. Consequences are in your fucking rearview as you lean forward, arms extended through the front of your golf cart, screaming “I’m king of the world!”
But you’re not king of the world; you’re king of the about-to-be-in-big-trouble-with-your-future-wife because, for some reason, she’s not going to find it funny when she has to dump water on you to get you to wake back up for the rehearsal dinner. At that point, following a round of golf where you’re legitimately unsure of whether the number on your scorecard was the number of shots you took, or the number of golf swings you made, you won’t be able to explain that it was because you were paired with an Australian who you HAD to impress. Nope, instead you’ll say something like “just took a lil sleepy nap!” And she’ll roll her eyes as she readies herself to go to the rehearsal dinner with the “keep your eye on him”-guy.
DON’T ACTUALLY FIGHT OR EVEN THREATEN TO FIGHT SOMEONE AT THE REHEARSAL DINNER.
Sometimes “fight guy” is cool. Yeah, I know that’s an unpopular opinion, but sometimes when there’s an asshole in a bar and your group’s “fight guy” has had enough…it’s fun to watch him get all riled up. Unfortunately, this does not apply to Wedding Rehearsal Dinners where “fight guy” will double as “he’s about to ruin the most important weekend of these people’s lives because he just got shushed”-guy.
You need to be aware enough that you could become this guy ESPECIALLY if you were paired with MikeTheAustralian earlier in the day at the golf course. (This sounds very specific, Jimmy. Like…) Hypothetically speaking, IF you were paired with MikeTheAustralian at the golf course, needed your girlfriend to dump a bucket of cold water on you to wake you up after the round, and then, I don’t know, happen to get “shushed” for talking too loud during one of the groomsmen’s speech, you may find yourself in the middle of an uncontrollable rage. Yes, we can all agree that being “shushed” is infuriating and that, in normal settings, it would justify throwing said “shusher” into an active volcano. However, when you’re already the “keep your eye on him”-guy, and its a wedding rehearsal dinner, actions made out of rage are frowned upon.
Knowing this, I bet you’re just going to tell anyone with ears at that dinner that you’re going to “beat the shit out of Shush McGee”. You’re going to tell all these people-with-ears this multiple times throughout the rest of the night thinking that this is your only alternative to NOT punching his face off. The ears people aren’t going to think “wow, this guy is tough, but also has restraint. I respect that.” Not even close. They’re going to think, “so, who here is going to tell security about this guy and his fireball breath?”
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND MAKE SURE YOU’RE WEARING PANTS THAT FIT.
Surprisingly, this goes both ways. Yes, at this point in MY life, I am officially NEVER in the “hey, these pants are too loose”-crowd. But, I was there at one point in my life when I ran more often than I ate a family-sized bag of Tostitos Scoops. If your pants are too big because you bought them when you were in a fat phase, but you’re thinking you can get away with not buying pants that fit, you’re going to regret looking like a bozo-the-clown in pictures with your big baggy dress pants. They’re going to make you look shorter than you already are, and sloppier than you want to admit you are. Spend the $40 at Nordstrom Rack and get a pair of pants that don’t gather at your feet.
Then there’s the other side. The worse side. The scarier side of this predicament. The “yeah these are tight, but I only have to wear them for a few hours”-sized pants. You’ll wear them out of a combination of not wanting to spend money on a style of pants you wear twice a year, AND not wanting to admit that you’ve put on weight since the last wedding you were at 14 months ago. Guess what? Calories matter, even if you’re standing while eating in the kitchen. Don’t believe what they say, eating leftovers while standing in front of the fridge right before bed counts against your daily calorie total.
Now, you’re stuck at a wedding having to lean back in your chair, while keeping your legs straight so that your pants’ ass doesn’t burst in front of the bride’s Aunt Helen. Getting on the dance floor means that you won’t even get to THINK about bending, and all of the great looking food and cake is just going to remind you that you’re a fatter version of yourself than you were at the last wedding you were at. Not to mention, you’re friggin starving but have NEGATIVE space to spare around your waist, so eating anything other than mixed nuts is out of the question.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When you’re getting your haircut and the stylist asks how you want it and you have no idea what to say. You want to be like “uh…shorter,” but you know she’s looking for more details so you just hem and haw until you feel like an absolute IDIOT. JUST MAKE ME LOOK BETTER THAN I CURRENTLY DO!
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Whoa, just came across this little diddy and I lurvvvve it so so much.
MOM MEMORY OF THE DAY:
One time my Mom was dropping my friends and I off at the mall, and she was looking for a parking spot so she could go in and buy something for herself. It was really crowded, so as she went up and down the aisles of packed cars, she got more and more frustrated. Then she hit the rows of handicapped parking spots, all of which were empty…full rows completely empty. Unable to find a spot, with snot-nosed dorks in her backseat, her anger crescendoed and she let out a “Jesus Christ, how many goddamn handicapped people are they expecting?!?!”
Sorry Mom, that’s a funny one.
K, bye.
Jimmy's Chair 