I don’t love “Mare of Easttown”, okay? Is that okay? Goddamnit, stop breaking into my house, scaring my dog and screaming “but it has everything you love” at the top of your lungs at me! That’s illegal! STOP VIOLATING LAWS TO INTIMIDATE ME INTO LOVING THE KATE WINSLET MURDER SHOW!!!
I know that it’s a good show. Just like I know that Anne Hathaway is beautiful and Derek Jeter was good at baseball. But, there’s just something gnawing at me. Like, “if she’s so beautiful, why are you more attracted to a well-made everything bagel with chive cream cheese?” Or, “if he’s such a great shortstop, how come I always thought his highlights were overrated?” I know “Mare of Easttown” is a good show, but a combination of COVID, my boss, and “Saturday Night Live” have ruined it for me. This is my truth. (When did you become so brave, Jimmy? Should we stand and applaud now? I’d like to.)
First off, there’s no way around Covid numbing my television senses at this point. I’ve watched so much shit from my couch (couch?!?! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHAIR?!?!) over the past 15 months, that I don’t even know what’s good anymore. Everything is just on. To get me excited about television right now, I think you’d need to bring Chris Farley back to life to star in a show called “Hey Jimmy, Chris Farley Isn’t Dead Anymore.”
Also, I get that everyone loves murder, but maybe we could all get excited about something that has to do with…I don’t know, ANYTHING ELSE. The VP of Ops (wait…she’s still with you? Why?) is also the VP of ConsumingAnyMurderContentAvailableToTheHumanRace, so that may play into my current boredom with the topic. But, when’s the last scripted show that wasn’t revolving around a murder that you were excited to watch? (Succession Succession SUCCESSION! SUCCESSION!!!!) It’s definitely “Succession”, but that hasn’t been out since people started getting wiping down their groceries. It’s all murder shows and murder podcasts and murder documentaries and maybe-he-didn’t-murder-her shows and talking about murder and giving murder a try and lying to your wife about giving murder a try. ENOUGH WITH MURDER! (Wait.)
Then, there’s my boss who told me it was a laughably bad show after the third episode. Call me what you will, a good employee, loyal, (a blind sheep) whatever, but it had an impact on me. The person who is basically in charge of whether I get to pay off my massive and mounting gambling debts (your wife knows, Jimmy. We all know..) laughed about how bad this show was. Guys, he laughed. The accents, the overacting, the plot, were all like Chapelle punchlines to him. And this laughing fit was AFTER I told him that he needed to start watching it because of how good it was. Having your boss laugh in your face is a real gut-check moment and so I checked my gut, and my gut said “hey, maybe the guy who runs the company you work for knows more than you.” So shit.
Finally, there was the SNL skit “Murdur Durdur”. If you enjoy “Mare of Easttown”, just keep enjoying it and don’t watch this skit. But, if you are wondering why you can’t quite get to the “hey! It’s Sunday and Mare is on!”-level of excitement, give this skit a whirl. For me, it completely ruined the show and I haven’t been able to take it seriously since. I don’t know how to grade SNL skits other than “it made me laugh” or “it kinda made me laugh”, but this one made me laugh AND THINK! “Wait…is this whole show just…silly?” Watching this skit is like watching a food documentary in your 30s and realizing that all the “low calorie” and “diet” products that you’ve been consuming your whole life are actually worse for you than the alternatives. “So…diet’s are bad? WHO AM I?!?!?!” (You’re Jimmy, and you currently can’t fit into any pants of yours that don’t have the elastic waist thing.)
Look, I’m still watching it (oh wow! Thank you!) but you have to know that I’m kinda lying when I tell you how good I think it is. I’m tired of murder and I’m tired of television and I’m tired of my couch (again with the couch! WHERE’S THE FUCKING CHAIR?!?!) I think I need to go to a few crowded malls again to reignite my passion for staying in. Or maybe, go pay a bunch of money for a mediocre concert that’s IMPOSSIBLE to get to and back from? Maybe that’ll remind me how amazing television is. Or, I don’t know, maybe I could try murder again and see if it made me feel anything other than underwhelmed by the lack of adrenaline it created. (Oh. Yeah, you have a nice Monday too.)
Jimmy's Chair 