MY WORLD:
The VP of Ops and I hosted a party on Saturday, which meant that we passive aggressively fought most of Friday. You see, as you steamroll through your thirties, the process of hosting a party goes from “FUN!” to “They’re going to say something about our baseboards!” Parties quickly double in size due to kids and my guilt complex, and the point of said party becomes less about watching college football, drinking beer and everyone telling me how amazing my brisket is, and more about making sure kids don’t melt down, and convincing your spouse that nobody has noticed any one of the 849 home issues you’re both insecure about (Totally! Nobody noticed the dirt patches throughout your backyard that could be solved easily if you hired someone, but you refuse because you’re cheap and claim that you’re going to take care of them, but you have no idea how to so you just keep buying whatever product the old guy at the hardware store tells you to but it doesn’t help NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HELPING and you think the next one will but it won’t and you know that but you buy it anyway because you don’t learn from your past and maybe you should hire someone oh wait, that’s right, YOU’D RATHER SPEND MONEY GAMBLING ON COLLEGE FOOTBALL THAN FIXING THE DIRT PATCHES IN YOUR BACKYARD THAT AMANDA AND MIKE ARE DEFINITELY TALKING ABOUT ON THEIR RIDE HOME FROM YOUR STUPID FUCKING “LOOK AT MY DUMB BRISKET” PARTY!!!)
It was a lovely little time! I honestly just don’t get why I don’t remember the process of preparing for and hosting a party in your mid-thirties (mid? Pal, that 7 means LATE!) So, in an effort to avoid the pitfalls that I cannonball into EVERYTIME I host a party now, I am going to write out what to expect “before the party” and what to expect “during the party”. I sincerely hope that this roadmap will help all of us navigate the spousal arguments better the next time around:
Before The Party
- The VP of Ops is going to tell you that she will take care of cleaning the first floor, but that you have to clean the sunroom and bathrooms. Is this an example of her giving you the worst two rooms to clean? Yes. Will you say anything about that? No. However, when you tell her that you will clean both of them after you do all of the shopping and barbecuing/smoking/cooking, she won’t believe you and will be kinda’ pissed at you the whole time she’s cleaning the rest of the first floor.
- Tip for Next Time: Clearly, cleaning the sunroom and bathrooms right away would be a quick way to avoid any sort of conflict. BUUUUUUUUT, since you don’t want to do that because it’s boring and un poco grosso, buy her flowers when you go shopping for all of the food. Those flowers will buy you at least 4 hours AND if she does actually lash out and get mad, you can point to those because she didn’t get you a present AND THIS IS ALL ABOUT RACKING UP POINTS!!!
- Your idea of everyone’s kids just taking care of themselves so you can watch football is…um…impossibly stupid. You and your friends will not be gathered around the television high-fiving about UCLA beating a Bowling Green in front of 8 people at The Rose Bowl (yeah dude, nobody in Illinois cares about UCLA, and even the 8 people in LA that do know that they’re not going anywhere this year or…ever. But yeah, buy some more expensive Jordan-brand team gear!) You’ll have the game on when people arrive, but then quickly realize that sitting and watching it will be perceived as rude and lazy (if the shoe fits!) What you all will be doing is watching each other’s kids in between drink-chugging beers and realizing that what matters to you most now is being your friend’s kids’ favorite uncle. Is it a competition? You bet your fucking ass it is.
- Tip for Next Time: Pick the 4-hour timeframe to be during a group of games that you don’t really care about because you’re not going to see a snap. Then, to get ahead in the “which Dad do all of the kids like the most?”-competition, you’re going to need to bring 3 things: 1) Energy 2) Sugar 3) Weird voices. The plan for next time is to have secret candy giveaways, and while Tootsie Pops have been my typical go-to, lets switch it up and go with little York peppermint patties. Why? Because they’re awesome and unique enough that kids may start remembering you as the “Peppermint Patty Daddy” which is a SIIIIIIICK nickname that you’re not pushing, but maybe someone should? (This is a thing of yours, huh? Just forcing nicknames? How about “Chubby”?). Finally, you’re gonna need to debut a weird voice for the kids because this deep one you’ve been using is STALE. So practice the offensive Italian accent thing that you’ve broken out once or twice before. You’re gonna need more than just yelling for the kids to make you “aaaaaspaghetti and a spicy meatball!”
- You’re going to attempt to make some food dish in an effort to impress people and distract them from the fact that you have dirt patches in your backyard and you could pay to have fixed but don’t beca—I’ll stop. And you’re going to feel compelled to invite more people than you should because the worst thing that can happen to you, in life, is for people to see a picture on IG (just write Instagram, loser) and then make some comment to you, like “oh, guess my invite got lost in the mail.” What this will mean is that you should make much more than you’re originally planning to, but you’re going to push against that because you’re kinda’ cheap and don’t want to spend more money. When The VP of Ops smartly asks, “are you sure we’re going to have enough food?” your instinctually going to want to roll your eyes and say something douchey like, “it’s not our job to feed their entire extended families too!” But that’s where you’re wrong. You see, because of your crippling fear of IG-fueled guilt (JUST WRITE INSTAGRAM INSTEAD OF ‘IG’! NOBODY CALLS IT ‘IG’) you ARE going to invite too many people. You are then going to stress about not having enough food for these people right before the party and take that stress out on your dog by yelling “ENOUGH GODDAMNIT!” when she barks like she always does when the Amazon person knocks on the door after dropping the package that The VP of Ops secretly ordered.
- Tip for Next Time: Dude, don’t invite that many people. The stress is not worth it! THE STRESS IS NOT WORTH IT! Just be an adult and deal with the guilt of possibly making some people feel left out the way you deal with most things in your life…drinking. Hey! It’s a party! Also, these parties now are more about food than they are booze, and people are WAY more inclined to bring booze over because it takes less effort. So, being the cheapass that you are, buy more food and less booze. You won’t have to stress out about not having enough food AND it’s kind of a cool move to be able to send people home with Tupperware containers of the incredible food you just made (Hey, you’re not Bobby Flay. You made a fine brisket on a dumpy smoker. It was fine. Cool it.)
During The Party
- The VP of Ops is going to get just as much praise for the dish that took her 24 minutes to make as you’re going to get for the dish that took you 37 hours to make. Then you’re going to make incessant references about how annoying it is to try to repair the dirt patches in your backyard, which will bore the ever-living-fuck out of whoever you’re talking to. Trust me, they’re not thinking to themselves, “I wish Jimmy would talk MORE about these shitty dirt patches in his yard.” You’ll pour your first BIG BOY IPA in your fancy beer glass because “hey, it’s a party and this is how I like to start my parties.” But then you’ll start to feel bad that you can’t offer every guy a fancy glass for their beer EVENTHOUGH NONE OF THEM CARE AT ALL ABOUT DRINKING BEER OUT OF YOUR FRUITY STEM GLASS. College football games will be happening and you will not be watching because that’s rude. Then you’ll check your phone 2 beers in, see that you’ve lost your first batch of bets, and start scrambling to make more bets just to “get back to even.”
- Tip for Next Time: Make sure that everyone knows that The VP of Ops didn’t spend as much time making her dish as you did yours. Will this piss her off? Yeah, but whatever. Enough is enough, and credit should be given ONLY TO THOSE THAT HAVE EARNED IT! This does have the potential to spark a little bit of a fight, BUT little comments like, “how long’d you nuke that in the microwave for?” paired with HARD laughter and playful elbows to her ribs is the type of comedy that you cannot pass up.
- As the “party” rounds into form, you’re going to get a bit insecure about the total lack of kids toys that you have in your house. So, you’re going to grasp at straws and offer the older kids at the party basically anything you think would entertain them. Unfortunately, the half-deflated old football and TY stuffed animal that’s NOT a beanie baby, are going to provide about the same enjoyment from them as you get out of eating celery (it’s like eating stringy water.). The kids will then start trying to treat your ratty old dog toys like they’re kids toys, and their parents will pretend they’re not disgusted/horrified.
- Tip for Next Time: How about a surprise “presents time” for the kids there? Not only will the kids be pumped about it, but it will distract the parents from their whisper-level discussion about “those patches in Jimmy’s backyard.” OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT A PATCH, THEN BACK TO ME, THEN INTO YOUR WIFE’S EAR! WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE ABOUT?!?!?! Go to The Dollar Store (don’t forget, he’s cheap!) and get all the kids a bunch of little stuff, that you wrap up (and bonus present will be if Jimmy wraps it, it’ll look like shit!) Make sure they all get one of the same thing, so there are no baby street fights where all of a sudden the kid who didn’t get the squirt gun starts to melt down and HOW DID THAT BABY GET A KNIFE?!?! Next time, let’s have a designated “presents time” to really double down on this effort to become the favorite uncle.
- Towards the end of the party, you’re going to grasp for the last chance at a buzz. You’ll think about mentioning a “nightcap” but then you’ll know that the one wife who already thinks you drink too much is now CERTAIN of it. So, you’ll restrain yourself (like Gandhi!) and venture into the “beers don’t count because they’re not hard alcohol”-zone. But you’re not drinking lites, are you? Of course you’re not. At this point, you’re digging into the bottom of the cooler for the last of the Double IPAs that you know are down there somewhere. Unfortunately, the “beers don’t count because they’re not hard alcohol”-zone also means that you will not be reaching another fun buzz-zone. Instead, you will just be getting fatter, while being basically the same amount of drunk, and making your impending hangover that much worse. You’ll know this, yet still refuse to mix in a seltzer because that could POTENTIALLY negatively impact the buzz you’re seeking.
- Tip for Next Time: Just get a grip, man.
OUR WORLD:
“House of the Dragon” is barely back. Sunday night’s episode was good enough to keep me interested for next week’s, but I implore all of us (dramatic) to not lower our bars so much as to think of that past episode as awesome. It was pretty good, but not awesome. The first two were so insufferably boring that this one did feel like an entirely different show because it had…drumroll….DRAGONS DOING DRAGON THINGS!!! Who woulda thunk it?!?! It’s cool to see dragons doing dragon things!!! But listen, this show simply isn’t good enough to justify me writing about it EVERY week (oh? And it’s not just because your fat ass is worn out from writing that unnecessarily long My World? Got it!) This episode was cool, and I’m still in, BUT…Guys, Damon was shot with 5 arrows, dying on the ground and then all of a sudden went into Sprint-Mode-5000 to chop in half the toughest crabman the world has ever seen? Heh?! AND…How is any army at this time losing if they’re the side WITH THE GODDAMN FIRE-BREATHING DRAGONS?!?! If the battle isn’t going well just fly that thing over and POOF! Burnt!
“General, we’re losing ground to our opponent. What strategy adjustment would you suggest?”
“Maybe we could fly that enormous, indestructible fire-breathing dragon over their side? Cuz like, planes and missiles haven’t been invented yet, and they can only shoot their dumb little arrows so high. So just, have the fire-breathing dragon fly higher than their little arrows and light all of them on fire.”
Real quick, if you are looking for shows that were worthy of me writing about them every week (but you didn’t because you weren’t watching them during your paternity leave and you were too lazy to write and do your job at the same time?) these are my current “Best Shows of the Year” rankings:
- Black Bird: This is the best show of the year, so far, and the lead guy in it is so attractive that maybe I shouldn’t be married to a girl?
- The Bear: A half-hour show that works great as a dramedy and is as authentic of a Chicago show as I’ve seen.
- Severance: Really imaginative concept where you cannot predict what will happen next. It’s a bit on the slow side, but each episode is better than the last. If you hate your job, this will make you hate it more.
- We Own This City: Jon Bernthal has officially entered the land of “if that guy’s in it, I’m gonna watch it.”
- The Staircase: Incredibly well-done, and I guess I’m glad I finished it, but there are scenes of a woman falling down a staircase (not a spoiler) that are so realistic and awful, that I hated watching it at times.
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When the weather turns, and the temperature gets low enough to where you can finally turn off your AC and open your windows.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When the weather turns, and the temperature gets low enough to where you can finally turn off your AC and open your windows, but your wife thinks house burglars have zeroed in on your house so you have to close all of the windows at night and keep blasting the expensive AC even though it’s colder outside than it is inside.
JIMMY GAMBLES:
I actually broke even this week on college football!!! I’d like to thank Clemson and Georgia for beating up on Georgia Tech and Oregon like they were supposed to. And I would like to offer a hearty “Go to Hell” to LSU’s kicker. I know you’re waiting with baited breath on what my first NFL slate of the year will look like, and that will come soon but…as a teaser….I’m loving the Bears and the points against the “Why are we sure Trey Lance is good?”-Niners.
K bye.
Jimmy's Chair 