Be Happy You Don’t Have These Jobs! (4/23/18)

OUR WORLD:

Welcome to what is quickly becoming everyone’s favorite Monday tradition: the jimmyschair “At Least I Don’t Have To Do That”-Job list.

Animal Control Officer:

You ever read those stories where someone comes home to discover an anaconda coming up through their toilet? There is a person whose job it is to just “take care of that.” What if that was your first call on a Monday morning? Like you, Roberta AnimalControl got after it a little too much on Saturday night and is still trying to shake off the cobwebs 2 days later. She picked up a fatty Dunkin’ Donuts sandwich in the drive-thru on the way to work because “fuck it, I’ll work out later this week” and she hurried to her desk by 9:01, but it’s okay because their boss was in the bathroom. Roberta opens up her bacon, egg and chee like it’s a very-depressing Christmas morning and just as she’s about to take the first bite….RING! “Hey Roberta, there’s a king cobra in a toilet at 934 Winchester Boulevard. Caller says it’s hissing.”

And that’s just one horrible, but very real possibility for the start of an Animal Control Officer’s day. Can you imagine the amount of sad stuff they see? I don’t even want to write about it. In fact, I won’t–Mondays are depressing enough that I don’t need to wade into the animal cruelty-waters. Just know that it’s someone’s JOB to look at a dog fighting ring up-close and get the dogs out of there, but you know there are times when they got there too late and….JESUS CHRIST, STOP IT JIMMY!

In Chicago, the city started this program a few years ago where they released wild coyotes into the city to help with the rat problem. THAT WAS NOT A JOKE. Well now, even though there have been no reported coyote attacks on humans in the past 30 years (but what about the unreported attacks? Hard to call 911 after a coyote bites you in the neck…) I’m sure Animal Control Chicago gets inundated with calls about coyotes. I know I’ve seen a coyote from inside my apartment that was running away and was like 2 blocks down when I asked The VP “should I call Animal Control?” It’s about safety! So Animal Control people HAVE to go and check out these coyote calls now on a regular basis, and if you’re an office you’ve got to be thinking “we’re due for a coyote attack; is it going to be me?” Chicago just isn’t going to go FOREVER without one of these coyotes mauling someone, so who’s most likely to break the streak? An animal control officer responding to a call from some nerd 2 blocks away. And spare me any talk about “well, they’re trained for this stuff.” You can’t train to protect yourself from a WILD ANIMAL ATTACK because they are WILD. ANIMALS.

Used Car Salesman:

I just think it would really suck to have to tell people that you’re a “used car salesman” when they ask what you do for a living. It has such brutal connotations. I work in sales, and even that isn’t my favorite thing to say, but when I’m trying to explain my job sometimes I’ll say “I mean, it’s not like I’m a used car salesman.” It’s like if a mouse met another animal and had to be like “yeah, I’m a mouse, but it’s not like I’m a rat.” And the thing with used car salesmen is they’re not ALL the awful stereotype (“god Jimmy, you’re so brave to speak truth to power”-Used Car Salesman Union Leader)

Whenever someone goes to buy a used car, they also think that they’re going to have to negotiate like it’s a hostage situation (“IF YOU INCLUDE THE HEATED SEATS, NO ONE WILL GET HURT!”) Which means that every person a used car salesman meets at work is coming in with an edge; pre-disposed to NOT be friendly. Well isn’t that fun! I know there are used car salesmen who are kinda’ slimy and need to be pushed back on, but there have to ones who are also just like “yeah, I’m just here to pay my bills and get home.” Like, there have to be ones that offer the customer their actual lowest price first…right? Then they just have to sit there and keep telling the customer “I’m not lying, that really is the lowest we can offer you” as the customer gets madder and madder and SO FUCKING MAD, COME ON!!!!

Finally, how about when a used car salesman has to go to his girlfriend’s parents for the first time? You KNOW the dad immediately HATES that his daughter is dating a used car salesman. Even if that first dinner goes well, the Dad will probably say something to his wife like, “yeah, he was nice, but what does that even mean? He is a used car salesman.” They’ll NEVER trust him because of that job title. I’d imagine that most used car salesman are married to daughters of other used car salesman then. If there’s a Farmers Only dating app, shouldn’t there be a Used Car Sales Only one too?

Personal Chef for a Celebrity and their Kids:

This is mostly on account of having to cook for rich kids. I see on the boob tube (cool guy slang for television) that a lot of athletes and celebrities have their own personal chefs. And while I enjoy cooking, I can’t imagine cooking a gourmet meal for a rich kid who UNDOUBTEDLY will not appreciate it the way they should. Whenever I cook a meal that’s a little more complicated than “dump packet contents into hot water,” I basically stare daggers through The VP of Ops until she takes a bite. And if the doesn’t take a bite within the first 14 seconds of me handing her, her plate? I may or may not (but definitely do) yell at her to “take a bite before it gets cold!” She’ll usually take a bite and tell me it’s great, but sometimes she doesn’t do it in a convincing enough way, so I’ll be all pouty like “oh, sorry you don’t like it.”

Now, if that was a 9 year old who never heard the word “no”, you think they’d overwhelm the chef with gratitude? A chef, mind you, who probably went through like 7 years of schooling only to then be hired by a violent French Master Chef whose preferred “teaching” method is burning his sous chefs with the creme brulee blowtorch. After 4 years of dodging Chef Blowtorch and his outbursts, you’d open up your own restaurant in a part of town that was dying to be turned into the next hipster-ville…But, you and your restaurant came about two years too early and you end up closing your dream restaurant 18 months after opening. To avoid bankruptcy, you call back that investor guy who told you he “had something for you.” And, that “something” was a job cooking for some Jay Cutler Wannabe (aka an asshole athlete) and his shitty kids.

Next think you know, you’re spending 8 hours making pasta by hand for your most popular burrata lasagna. The celeb kids are running around and yelling about why it’s taking so long and probably snacking on pop tarts. When you’re finally finished, they look at it and say it looks “gross” and they’d prefer pizza. And where are the parents? DOESN’T MATTER CUZ THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAY! So you try to sneak the uneaten gourmet lasagna out to your car when you leave that night, but the cousin who lives there for free catches you and reminds you that the lasagna is now “property of this house”…so you have to turn around and put it back into the Cutler’s fridge, where it will sit uneaten until you throw it out in 4 days.

MY WORLD:

I can’t believe I haven’t done this yet, but I have to put together a candy list. I went on a big candy kick this weekend that my pants DID NOT APPRECIATE this morning. I’m including chocolate and sweet and salty. Here’s the jimmyschair Top 10 Candy List. Disagreements are discouraged…SO SAVE ‘EM!

10-Crunch Bar

9-Chocolate Covered Almonds

8-Twix

7-Kit Kat

6-Gummy Fruit Slices

5-Gummy Bears

4-Crispy M&Ms

3-York Peppermint Patties

2-Peanut M&Ms

1-Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

*I will say the Top 3 rotate depending on mood and right now, Lil Jimmy loves some peanut butter and chocolate.

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Make fun all you want, but Death Cab is my fave band and I feel myself gearing up for a BIG Death Cab kick starting with this….NOW!

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Getting your haircut for the first time in 5 months and having the hair washer lady mail in the scalp massage you’d been looking forward to.

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

Let’s bang that OKC Moneyline (+175) together because we’re all friends and betting against an angry Russ Westbrook seems MUCHO STUPIDO!

(My account currently at $192.22)

K bye.

In Defense of Me and 90s Kid Stuff

MY WORLD:

Aside from treating my body like a dumpster, talking to Belle about how she’s the “numba one pretty gurrrlll” and sleeping in my clothes, there’s one final pastime I take part in whenever The VP of Ops leaves town; getting paranoid about what she’s saying about me to other people. You see, there’s this thing that some people take part in, where when they’re away from their significant other they complain about his/her faults and idiosyncrasies to their friends. Mind you, this is something that I have only HEARD ABOUT, for my friends and I keep our conversations strictly about sports, chicken wings and who our current man-crush is because IT’S A SAFE SPACE AND WE’RE PROGRESSIVE! (Chris Hemsworth and Eddie Vedder forever btw).

However, I am aware that The VP of Ops has sheep-like tendencies when surrounded by her poor influences of friends. While they’re complaining about the ragamuffins they’re with, in an effort to fit in and not be the “yo mans ain’t got it like my mans got it”-girl, she probably folds and joins the complain party. Knowing this, I would like to put forth some explanations and defenses for what she MAY be saying about me to her friends.

“He’s really moody”—First off, who isn’t? Right? I mean, I’m sure there are co-workers of yours that you think are super even keel, but they have to be kinda’ bitchy sometimes at home later…right? RIGHT?!?!? Uh, and you think The VP of Ops ISN’T moody? THINK AGAIN BUB! Last time I checked, yelling “I’m going to murder you” at your husband, just because he’s playing the “I’m not touching you”-game, is called a MOOD. Your honor, I would like to employ the “well, she is too”-defense.

Real talk, this cuts deep because I am POSITIVE that it’s true. For some reason, being “moody” has worse connotations than being a serial killer in my brain. (He’s moody?!?! Ugh, I don’t have time to deal with that! Yeah, my husband killed 4 people, but they were like SOOOOO annoying). Sometimes, I’ll catch myself mid-“if you don’t stop humming to yourself I’m going to blow my brains out” and immediately toss an apology the VPs way. The apology, though, normally sounds something like “I’m mad right now and I don’t know why and it’s not your fault so I’m…(through grit teeth)…so I’m sorry or whatever.” And if she brings up how I was moody the next day or another time when I’m in a GOOD mood? It’ll immediately piss me off and I’ll kinda’ deny it and will try my best to act not-mad…but, I’m fuckin’ mad about it. CAN’T THIS JUST BE OUR LITTLE SECRET? Oh, and to the girlfriend who I’m sure will mention something about me being a Gemini, just shove it. Astrology is for the birds, everyone knows this.

“He ALWAYS watches sports”—Well maybe if you had money riding on whether Mariska Whateverthefuckitay was going to catch the rapist in this episode of “Law & Order SVU”, I would support us watching that together. Gah fuhbid you join the team and root against Anthony Davis making the Blazers look like ABSOLUTE dog meat when I have the Blazers in my 8-team parlay. And also, if I watch sports all the time, how am I able to write such eloquent, insightful critiques of “Vanderpump Rules” and “Summer House”? Answer the question, please. I’ll wait…

This is the time when The VP of Ops will, most likely, bring up the fact that I have yet too hook up the second cable box in our bedroom. Did we move in last August? Yes, but there are a lot of wires and, like, I JUST DON’T WANNA! PLUS! PLUS! All she wants to watch is “Law & Order SVU” and that’s on netflix, so she can just watch it on our Apple TV in the bedroom. I would like to point out that I have mostly given up watching weekend pre-game shows (which are like catnip for guys ESPECIALLY during football season) so that we can watch that stupid fake pioneer woman cook some unhealthy bullshit for her “Cowboy Kids” on Food Network. (We did just find out that Pioneer Woman married into like one of the richest families in the country. When your family is worth in excess of $500 million-not kidding-it kinda’ puts a damper on the whole “just cookin’ for some farm boys” motif they’re going for. Just my 2 cents!) Are you going to bring that up to the girl crew? Do their guys ask what time Vanderpump Rules is on every Monday? Do their guys pause “Relation-shep” in the middle of the show just to talk to you about charismatic and likable Shep is? Didn’t think so.

“He’s bossy”—This one is similar to the “he’s moody” one in that it hurts, but the difference here is that I’m not bossy. I’m really not. This is not me trying to be funny by denying the truth…I’m just not bossy. Ask my boss at work if I’m bossy; bet he says I’m not.

Really though, I think I’m good at admitting faults (see, “He’s really moody” section) but this “bossy” label is one hundred percent due to the fact that The VP of Ops is an all-time horrible decision maker. When I say that, I’m not meaning it in the sense of making bad decisions like “she decides to get a neck tattoo when she’s drunk.” More like, she just WON’T make a decision. Every single Saturday that we both have free, I’ll ask her what she wants for lunch. “Where should we go? We can go wherever you want!”-I ask like the Magic Lunch Fairy. What this leads to is her telling me that she’s going to find a spot by looking through the Yelp! app on her phone. Then, about 13 minutes later, I’ll walk past her and see that she’s just scrolling through Instagram. “Oh yeah, I forgot”-and she’ll get back to the Yelp! app before asking me “well, what do you want?” no less than 39 times. So me putting an end to this misery and picking a restaurant that she told me she LOVED is, then, an example of me being bossy? In the words of an Italian television caricature “Getda’ Fug Outta Hee!”

OUR WORLD:

So Spotify has this thing now, I don’t know if it’s new or not, where they create a playlist for you called “Time Capsule”. Through the magic of the internet (and the government…) they somehow know what songs I liked when in my formative years. This morning I have heard some real treats like Matchbox Twenty (Rob Thomas can sing, so back off), “Sabotage” (the only Beastie Boys song I like), and “Rollin'” by Limp Bizkit (NOT the only Limp Bizkit song I like…WHAT?!?! IT’S GREAT WORKOUT MUSIC!)

This “Time Capsule” got me to thinking about the 90s and so I wanted to put together the beginning of a “Whatever Happened To __________?” list for my fellow kids of the 90s. Maybe I’ll continue this in future blogs…maybe not…I do what I want.

–Eve 6: Was “Inside Out” just too perfect of a song? I’m guessing they made that and were like “well, we can’t top that…so let’s just leave.”

–Drew Barrymore: She was in every single movie for a stretch there and now, where she at? Drew? Where you at, Drew? She is also maybe the best example of a celeb I can’t decide if I’m attracted to or not.

–The guy with tiny sunglasses in “The Professional”: I’ve actually never seen this movie, but feel like I have because I’ve seen the preview like a hundred times and CONSTANTLY think about watching it on nights I’m having trouble finding something. He seemed like a pretty solid character actor, though. Maybe? I don’t know.

–Jesse Camp: This is the guy who won MTVs first “Wanna Be a VJ” contest. Man, this dude was off-putting. Also, pretty provocative name for a TV show, in hindsight. I don’t want to look up what this dude is up to now because I fully expect it to be very depressing.

–Ben Savage from “Boy Meets World”: Again, not going to look up what he’s actually up to, but for very different reasons than Jesse Camp. I don’t want to look Ben Savage up because I’m rooting for him to be miserable now. When I was a grad film student at UCLA (are you impressed by debt? Well get a load of this!) I ran into Ben Savage hanging out in the office of my student housing building. He was like hanging out with people that worked there or something? Anyway, I recognized him and because it was a Friday night and I was probably 5 beers deep at this point, struck up a conversation with him. Unfortunately, he quickly turned this light conversation into a passionate monologue about how stupid and delusional he thinks people trying to break into the film/television biz are. He did not know that I was (am?) one of those people. He was so condescending and pompous, that I wish I would’ve told him that the GLARING FLAW with “Boy Meets World” was that Topanga was WAY too hot for him. Everyone agrees on this and if you see this cheesedick on the street, feel free to remind him of it. I’d appreciate it.

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I bet you’re like me and still know all the lyrics to this.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Punchable face times a billion.

Savage

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

Well, my NBA playoff parlay is basically dead now that the Blazers are down 0-3 to the Pelicans. Isn’t it great when you look back on a bet and it’s SUPER OBVIOUS that betting against Anthony Davis was a bad idea? I just love it. I placed a few bets last night and ended up going 2 for 4, so that’s not horrible at least. I’m guessing that Philly is becoming the favorite to come out of the East now, and so I think I may want to put some money on Cleveland. I can’t stand LeBron, but I just can’t see him going down to Ben Simmons and Embiid…not yet.

(My account currently at $207.73)

K bye.

What to Watch When You’re Sick and “Jimbo”

MY WORLD:

Today’s edition of “A Time I Made Myself Laugh By Making The VP of Ops Mad or Uncomfortable” is short and swe–nope, it’s actually not sweet at all (tricked you so bad). The VP of Ops gets very uncomfortable when attention is brought to her while in public and so, once I found this out, I, OBVIOUSLY, had to come up with a way to bring attention to her in public. So I began testing out some material when we’d walk to lunch or to the coffee shop or pharmacy, and I’d just yell out phrases like “stop farting!” or “that hurts!” or “I SAID NO!” She could see me take deep inhales as I prepared to yell and would immediately go into wide-eyed, clenched-jaw “don’t you dare”-mode. Can someone just tell her that if she didn’t react like that, that I’d stop doing stuff like this? (Actually don’t because I really really love doing these sorts of things.)

However, yelling out these phrases grew a little tired after a while, so I had to turn the heat up a bit. My solution was to create an alter-ego named “Jimbo”. Basically, Jimbo is the guy at your gym in the stringy tank-top who throws down the dumbbells when he’s done with them. (The VP hates Jimbo so much that I’m sure she’s shaking her head right now.) In case you haven’t met this particular “Jimbo”, he only comes out when The VP and I are in crowded public places. Normally, I’ll slow my walk a little bit to let The VP get ahead. She’ll turn around and see the “Jimbo” pose: me holding my arms out like I just BLASTED my biceps at a workout, so much so that I can no longer straighten my arms. This is when The VP says something like “please don’t”, to which “Jimbo” responds, in his meathead spitting-while-talking way, “Babe! What?”

“Oh Jesus” and The VP will try to speed walk away from what she knows is coming. “Jimbo” will follow like a muscle-bound villain in a horror movie, walking a little too slowly while swaying wildly from side to side. Hard to walk straight when you squat 700 pounds and everyone can’t stop talking about how big your quads are, nah’m sayin’? “Jimbo” loves to yell “Babe! Babe!” and never straighten his huge swollen arms or legs cuz he can’t bro, too sore from the curls and stair master. He always has a duckface or a snarl because he’s a bad boy and he wants you to know it. The VP knows it and DOES. NOT. LIKE. IT. But guess what? That’s the point with “Jimbo”, he doesn’t care what you think…unless you think his arms are small cuz they’re totally not (why else would he be walking like that?) And, honestly, why does The VP get so mad at a guy who really only says like three things: “Babe!” “Babe! Why you mad?!” and “Babe! I’m hungry!” It’s not fair, babe.

“Jimbo” hibernates in the winter because he can’t show off the monster veins in his arms but…the weather will warm. You hear that VP? The weather will warm…and “Jimbo” will return…

OUR WORLD:

I made a mistake yesterday when I stayed home sick and watched a bunch of HBO “Real Sports” episodes. That show takes way too much mental energy to watch and, usually, isn’t the most uplifting or engrossing show. (Hand up, complaining about how watching television requires too much energy is a pretty disgusting admission.) If you have never seen “Real Sports”, it’s basically “60 Minutes” with sports stories and Bryant Gumble dressing, like, actually really cool. He wears cool suits and lowers his glasses to look over notes and then says “so Bernie, how much money can a semi-professional snowboarder realistically expect to make?” The VP of Ops consistently makes “Bryant Gumble is kewt!” comments whenever she watches with me. I didn’t think it bothered me, but the fact that I just wrote that must mean something…

ANYWAY! Regretting my television choices in hindsight, got me to thinking about what shows are best to watch when you’re sick. These are not in order, so just chill out. CHILL OUT!

Catfish: It’s going to be on during the day and you’re going to be all alone so you can watch the shows you’d be embarrassed to watch otherwise. MTV’s “Catfish” is a PERFECT example of this kind of show. A few months back, The VP of Ops went out while I was painfully hungover (a cousin of Jimmy Sick is Jimmy Hangover. I actually prefer being sick cuz it wasn’t my fault). You know the kind of hangovers when you can’t even change the channel? Like, turning your TV on is all you can handle and then whatever’s on is what you’re gonna watch. The TV was on MTV and “Catfish” came on and I was all “I’m not going to like this show because I am a grown man adult who went to film school and has the taste of a—wait…this guy seems nice. This guy deserves love! SHE SOUNDS REAL! IS SHE NOT?!?!” The host guy, Nev, is SUPER likable and you’re always thinking that the person is going to end up being real and that the “potential catfish victim” is going to get to laugh in all his or her friends’ faces for EVER questioning their online romance. “Hey Ramona, remember when you said that Trevor sounded like a fake name?!?! WELL WOULD A FAKE NAME BE ABLE TO DO THIS?!?!” And then Trevor would come in doing a cool dance move like “The Dougie” and Ramona would be embarrassed and feel bad that she doubted her friends’ true love.

The Office: Simply put, this show is going to appear on just about every “best television show to watch when ________”-list that I come out with. It’s my favorite show of all-time. If Michael Scott can’t make you smile in between your kinda-sprints to the bathroom, then you should probably just call 911 cuz you’re in BIG trouble. Now, I will warn you not to watch the “Fun Run” episode if you’re feeling nauseous because seeing Andy’s nipples bleed is unsettling on multiple levels; specifically, the level between your stomach and your butthole. An episode you should make sure to watch if you’re sick, however, is “Phyllis’ Wedding”. Getting to watch Michael drag Phyllis’ Dad’s wheelchair down the aisle is chicken noodle soup.

Family Feud: I’ll always think of Louie (Luis? Louis? Looey?) Anderson as the host of this show, but I have to admit that I don’t hate Steve Harvey as the host now. This game show is perfect mushy food for your mushy brain. Nothing is going to be that funny or absurd, but it’s going to be generally enjoyable and will make the time go by fast. You’ll watch seven episodes in a row like it’s NOTHING and, mark my words, if someone took a spy-cam pic of you midway through episode three, you’d have a weird no-teeth smile on your clammy face. Another great thing about this show is that, in your head, you always do better than these dumb families. AND! You are always the family leader in your own brain. Like, how do they decide who stands closest to Steve? If it’s not the eldest sibling or one of the parents, you know this family has deep-rooted issues that should really only be addressed by licensed professionals. If I wasn’t elected “Family Captain”, I’d pout by raising my eyebrows and shaking my head and making a few “pshhh” noises. And don’t worry, you know I’d tell everyone “I didn’t even care.” I did care, though, and Stever Harvey woulda’ loved my zingers BUT NOOOOOOO! DAD HAD TO BE THE FAMILY CAPTAIN!

Supermarket Sweep/Guy’s Grocery Games: Gameshows that are set in grocery stores are in my wheelhouse and the reason I’m including both of these is because I’m not sure if “Supermarket Sweep” is still on-air. (Well, and cuz they’re both awesome and I normally see a box of saltines on the show and think to myself “hey, I’m allowed to eat all the crackers I want today cuz I’m sick!”) Do you remember that show? There was a host with a side part (I think?) and then people would get to run around a grocery store trying to grab items that would cost the most. Yeah…those are all the details I remember about that show so you know it had to be great. I legitimately do remember really enjoying the mindless joy associated with watching people run through an empty grocery store. Full disclosure, I love grocery shopping. I go through every aisle even if I KNOW FOR A FACT that I’m not getting anything in said aisle. (Except the shampoo aisle. Why is that here? Everyone knows you only get shampoo at Walgreens after telling yourself “I need to get shampoo” for like 4 days). Therefore, my bar for restaurant gameshows is super low. They could probably just have a show where they follow a couple as they walk and bicker down each aisle, and I would watch it. “Guys Grocery Games” is basically “Supermarket Sweep” meets “Chopped” and it has Guy as host so…GET YA DVRs READY Y’ALL!!!

The Dan Patrick Show: Watching a sportsradio show on television is sad UNLESS you’re sick so you can do what you want because people feel bad for you! This is another example of a slow-moving, mildly enjoyable few hours of television that requires minimal brain power. For some reason, since I’ve been a little kid, I have enjoyed watching radio shows on television when I’m sick. It’s almost like you get to see something that you’re not supposed to see–seeing what a radio show LOOKS like? You can’t do that! So what does that make you? That makes you a spy and you’ve always kinda’ wanted to be a spy but were too scared cuz of the guns and, you know, bad guys. But watching a radio show on TV seems like a pretty safe thing to do so LET’S LIVE OUT OUR FANTASIES GUYS!!!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Oh my god, guys…there are full episodes of “Supermarket Sweep” on YouTube.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Why was this DOOF ever the host of “Family Feud”?

richard karn.jpg

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

I did not gamble last night on any games in particular. That will probably change tonight, however, because there is NO WAY the Blazers are going down 0-2 at home. Steal your parents car, sell it, and put all the money you got from it on Portland.

(My account currently at $219.55)

K bye.

Jobs Worse Than Yours and Hateable Celebs (4/16/18)

OUR WORLD:

It’s Monday and, guys, it’s only gonna get better. Keep that in mind as you trudge your weekend-fat ass through the snow (yeah, it is snowing in Chicago) to work today because it can’t get worse than a bad weather Monday AND you have food poisoning (just me? I’m not really sure what food poisoning is, but anytime I have real bad stomach issues I think “must be poison.” Could it be that I ate like a pig for the past 72 hours? Nah. Poison.) By now, you should be making your own “At Least I Don’t Have To Do That”-Job List to help you get through Mondays like this. If you haven’t, I’ll let you use mine:

-Mid to Low Level Drug Dealer: This is NOT a chill job. Can you imagine if selling drugs was what you had to do to pay your rent? You would have to say things to yourself like “I didn’t sell a lot of drugs yesterday, so I probably shouldn’t buy this J.Crew shirt.” And, unlike most sales-based jobs, the days of super low sales probably wouldn’t even crack the Top 100 list of “Worst Days as a Drug Dealer”. There would be at least 37 “time I got a gun pulled on me”-days, some “got a knock at my door at 3AM”-days, and, DEFINITELY, a few “the drug kingpin accused me of wearing a wire”-days. Talk about NEVER being able to just coast though a workday.

And what are the good days like? I know in the movies there’s like a big drop of drugs in the dark and like a fancy briefcase filled with cash, but that can’t happen for the mid to low-level drug dealer. The lower level dealers don’t get the mansions and lambos and cool sunglasses; they get knock-off Oakleys and a Dodge Neon with an AC that doesn’t even work. I guess a good day would be if they got promoted to deal drugs to rich people, but then the chances of going to jail for a long time go up too. Promotions in the drug dealing world just mean that now, you have to do MORE serious crimes. And you definitely can’t tell the Druglord Boss-guy that you don’t want the promotion. You think Scarface is gonna be cool when you explain that the whole “transporting cocaine on boats in the night”-thing just isn’t what you had in mind when you started with the company?

If you do a bad job, the worst thing that can happen to you is getting fired or, maybe, scolded by your boss in a way so personal that you cry alone in your car later that night. If a drug dealer does a bad job? Something WORSE THAN DEATH could happen…JAIL! (Jail is worse than death times a billion. I’ve talked about this in the past, but jail is my number one fear in life.) With the constant fear of death/jail, is a drug dealer ever in a true state of relaxation? Are there any days where they just watch Netflix for 11 hours and not freak out about a sound they just heard? And don’t forget that there’s no getting out of this life. Once you’re a drug dealer, there will always be people that are planning to do something bad to you and cops that remember not being able to catch you in the act.

-Prison Guard: I got in an Uber last summer with a guy who told me that he just moved to Chicago to become a prison guard. He voluntarily moved from Nevada to Chicago because he looked at a prison guard opening as a GOOD OPPORTUNITY. Thank sweet baby Jesus that there are people like this guy, cuz I can’t believe the government doesn’t have to draft people into these types of positions. Yes, socioeconomic factors greatly impact who views what as a “good opportunity”, I’m aware of this, but I’m also aware that discussion is heavy and serious and not appropriate for the FUN BLOG! Carrying on…

To be a prison guard, you not only have to be big and scary, but also smart enough to anticipate problems arising from places you didn’t expect. If you’re big and scary and smart then shouldn’t you be the head of like a steel-workers union? I’m pretty sure those are the qualifications to head a blue collar union: big, scary, smart. But no, you’d pass up the opportunity to shake calloused, meaty hands to break up fights over why the head of the Aryan Brotherhood got an extra milk? (The Uber-driver/prision guard told me that most of the fights he dealt with in his Nevada prison were over milk and juice.)

I’m sure there are days without fights where maybe you’d connect on a personal level with one of the inmates. Maybe you could help Larry deal with the misery of being behind bars and watch as he evolved into the person his parents always told him he wouldn’t be. You’d talk about meeting up “outside of these damn bars” one day, and complain to your wife about how corrupt the judicial system is. And then that one day would happen, and you’d go meet to meet Larry at the Outback in the nice mall. Larry would smile when he saw you waiting for him at the table, and walk over slowly while shaking his head in disbelief that he was able to survive incarceration. Before you ordered, though, your wife would send you a text saying that she “can’t keep worrying about your safety all day, everyday”. Larry thinks your wife’s worries are a sign of a sweet relationship, but you didn’t tell Larry about the following text where your wife admitted that she had “met someone.” So now you’re having dinner with an ex-con who required the attention that it would have taken to save your marriage…and your steak is overcooked because you’re at a fucking Outback inside of a mall.

-Hair washer at a salon: As a resident fancy-boy, I get my hair cut at salons as opposed to a barbershop. Everyone knows that the best part of getting your hair cut at a salon is when they wash your hair and give you a head massage. If you don’t make purring sounds while they’re doing this, you’re probably offending the hair washer. You’ll try to remember the head massage tactics they used so you can attempt to recreate it on yourself during your next shower, but it won’t be the same. When the hair washer is done, though, think about how you’re probably the least gross person they’re going to have to deal with that day. (Real talk, if you’re reading this blog, you’re not gross. Welcome to the not-gross club.)

People have weird heads and nasty hair and gnarly things on their scalp. These hair washers can’t refuse to wash the head of some dude who hasn’t showered in a week and has a BAD case of scalp acne. I think they can wear surgical gloves, but what about the days when they didn’t realize they were low on those gloves and now they’re all out? I also think that LEGIT hair washers look down on the ones who wear gloves; like, they’re not dedicated enough and probably aren’t spoken to at the Hair Washer Happy Hours.

You ever go to get your haircut after wearing a hat all day? How bad do you feel? Like, MUCHO BAD, right? Well, that’s because you’re a normal human being. Unfortunately, there’s another kind of human being out there that thinks subjecting a hair washer to that is “not my problem.” AND! The hair washer doesn’t get tipped. What the hell is that all about? I’m guessing they get tipped out by the stylist (term for hair cutter person at hot salons), but it probably isn’t NEARLY enough. I contend that it’s way harder to give a good head massage than give a good haircut. Listen, you can learn how to cut bangs. You can’t learn how to have magic hands. Now that I think about it, next time I go to get my haircut, I’m going to tip the hair washer person more than my stylist AND I’m gonna make sure the stylist sees it. I’m sure the stylist will be annoyed, but then remember that she doesn’t have to accidentally pop strangers’ head pimples for the rest of the day and go back to being thankful that she’s not a hair washer.

MY WORLD:

Do you love or hate some celebrities for no discernible reason? ME TOO! It usually comes down to their face, which is scary to think about because I’m sure strangers have walked past me and hated me just because of my face (my mom VEHEMENTLY disagrees with this btw). So what celebrities do I hate for no discernible reason (but maybe it’s just their face)? Here’s what I’ve got:

-Michael Strahan

-Josh Gad

-Nick Kroll

-Angelina Jolie

-Helena Bonham Carter

I started writing some more fleshed out reasoning behind hating these celebs, but…I really think it’s just their face. So let’s leave it at that. This is such an internet-y thing to do, but everyone has these thoughts…right? RIGHT?!?!

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I went to High School with Beck Bennett (SNL star, no big deal, he probably has no idea who I am but whatevs) and this was from his college comedy group.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Snow.

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

This was a surprisingly even weekend…which is a win in gambling terms. “Even” = “Lost a little” = “Didn’t lose a lot” = “Win”. Get it? Anyway, I put some sweet cash on an NBA playoff parlay where I picked all the favorites to win their first round series (Rockets, Warriors, Thunder, Blazers, Cavs, Raptors, Celtics, and Sixers). If that parlay hits, which I really can’t see why it wouldn’t, it pays out at over +660 so…I’m about to be super rich again. ALSO! We’ve discovered that one of my friends is a savant at NHL Playoff gambling. He went like 6 for 7 this weekend and has earned the nickname ‘Chel Jim. Love ‘Chel Jim. Aside from rooting for NBA favorites tonight, I’ll be patiently waiting for ‘Chel Jim to text me his NHL picks.

(My account currently at $219.55)

K bye.