Sunday TV Binge Shows and Why Angry Wives Are So Funny (3-19-18)

OUR WORLD:

Yesterday was a day of rest for The VP of Ops and I. Perched in our assigned living room spots, me on my chair (it’s a real thing, this chair, and we’ve developed feelings…real feelings) and The VP on our couch. (While I love my chair, I will say that not being able to lay sideways on days like yesterday is something I never planned for when claiming my spot as the chair. This was a slight miscalculation on my part, but I have learned from it and plan to revisit the “assigned seat” negotiating table once we buy our next couch.)

Aside from the occasional “you okay?”-head tilt towards the other, we were busy dealing with our own Post-St. Patty’s-Day-issues. Self talk (breathe Jimmy. Wait…that’s not how breathing works! HOW DOES BREATHING WORK!?!?!) and awkward positions on your assigned living room seat is what Sundays like this are all about. How many times did you get kinda excited and think “I’m actually not that bad!” only to get up and have your brain start smashing the eject button from inside your skull. Zero? Yeah, me too. Cool cool coolio!

Anyways, we’ve all been here and aside from ordering food that’s not going to taste as good as you think it’s going to, binge watching television shows is the only tonic. For us, yesterday was “Peaky Blinders” all day, and it got me thinking…what are the best “Sleepy Sunday” binge-worthy tv shows? *This list is not BEST TV shows, it’s shows that have the ability to soothe your hangover. Maybe you’ve watched them before, but that’s okay, these shows are like your blankie or dirty old stuffed animal rabbit that you got when you were born and still sleep with (hand up).

Lets call this our “Top Sleepy Ti Ti Shows” (you know, cuz you’re sleepy and tired…SLEEPY TI TI!):

The Office: Number one with a bullet. Do I even have to say it’s the American version? I remember when news hit that they were making an American version of “The Office” and I was such a snooty film-school dick about it. “No way it can recreate the subtle moments the way Ricky Gervais did!” Pssshaw! This, my friends, is called a “wrong take”. Steve Carrell as Michael Scott is the best television character of all time (mean this a billion percent) and getting to watch the prime of this character is the chicken noodle soup of television. You know what it’s going to be, yet, somehow, you still love every second of it. (What an analogy!!! Hey! Let’s add that as a section! YOU’RE DOING IT!). *FOOD ANALOGY = CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP
The O.C.: I just wrote and then deleted the following…”I’m not even embarrassed about this pick.” That means I’m embarrassed about this pick. I blame The VP of Ops and her powerful influence over my brain for this but let me say this fellas: you watched the first couple seasons of this show when it first came out, and you loved it. DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME! NOT TODAY! NOT ON JIMMYSCHAIR! This show holds up better than you think it does. Seth is still funny. Rachel Bilson is still a babe (see guys? that’s a cool-dude thing to say. Babes.) And Ryan still pulls off the white tank look even though, according to all your research, that is not possible. Remember that super simple sandwich that was your favorite as a kid? You haven’t had one since you were 11. This show is like that sandwich. Try making one, I bet you’ll remember why you loved it. *FOOD ANALOGY = SALAMI SANDWICH ON WHITE WONDER BREAD
Parks and Rec: A close cousin to “The Office” for sure, but why should we hold that against this show? I feel like every time I bring this show up, there’s kind of a “yeah, but it’s not The Office”-cloud over it. It’s not “The Office”, but it’s almost as funny. Fat Chris Pratt > Jurassic World Chris Pratt. Can someone get Chris Pratt out of the gym because he was well on his way to being a comedy megastar. He’s fine as an action dude, but I like comedies more than action movies so…DO WHAT I SAY! Andy Dwyer is new-age Chris Farley and Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson makes you want to grow a mustache and be surly to all your co-workers. This show is a good chip. It’s not KING CHIP. It might be the same brand as KING CHIP, but it’s a different flavor. *FOOD ANALOGY = BUFFALO BLEU KETTLE CHIP’S
Friday Night Lights: Binging dramas can be difficult. This show would be higher on just a list of favorite shows of all-time, but it still places as rewatchable because Coach Taylor is my idol. I don’t even say that as a joke anymore. When we first watched it, I’d say “I wanna be Coach Taylor” to the VP with like a smirk. Like, I was sending that thought out as a trial balloon. But with distance, comes perspective and I think I actually want to become the fictional coach from “Friday Night Lights”. I would like to coach High School football in Texas. Did I play? I mean, not really, but…I like football a WHOLE BUNCH! Guys, A WHOLE BUNCH! Also, I think I can pull off the gruff, kinda moody, kinda nice, kinda mean, but..oh wait…he’s tough too-type of persona. Also, not to brag, but I pull off mid-length socks and khaki shorts like I was born in ’em. This show is truly aspirational much the way a complicated rice dish is. Much the way I think I could actually become Coach Taylor, you think you won’t fuck up the rice in that complicated, yet delicious looking rice-based dish. You will fuck up the rice. *FOOD ANALOGY = COMPLICATED RICE-BASED DISH
Arrested Development: The new seasons on Netflix don’t count. Seriously, do not tell me that “they’re actually pretty good”. I don’t believe you and I don’t care. The original first 3 seasons of this show are so damn smart and funny that they’re all that matters here. Cool thing about binging this show is that you can get through those first 3 seasons in a reasonable amount of time. It’s not going to take your life over. The most fun debate to have about this show is to ask your friends who their fave character is. The easy answer is Gob, but guess what? THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S WRONG! Jesus H, I’m so tired of trying to sound smarter than I actually am and picking someone other than Gob for fave character. “You see, the thing with George Michael that everyone overlooks is-“SHUT UP JIMMY! It’s Gob. Convo over. You’re not that smart. I’m aware you can make the case for Tobias, but uhhhhhhh NO. And if you even bring Michael into this arena you will be hanged at the behest of the king (me. I’m the king here. King Chair). This show is so damn funny and I’ve seen it so many times, but I still find little moments that I missed. It’s like ordering trying a new item or condiment from a fast food restaurant you go to all the time…and being impressed with it. *FOOD ANALOGY = MCDONALD’S BUFFALO SAUCE (my new KING SAUCE for Chicken Nuggy’s. Game changer, guys. Game changer.)

That’s the list.

MY WORLD:

I shaved my facial hair into a mustache this weekend because getting under The VP of Ops’ skin is really fun for me. That was the reason. I don’t think it looks good. In fact, I know it does not look good, and I’m not secure enough to try to convince people that I don’t care about that (although, I DEFINITELY did that this weekend. I got a few “it actually doesn’t look that bad”s from friends and I lied when I responded “dude, I don’t even care. I just think it’s funny.” I cared. I care.)

stache *not gonna lie, shades and stache are a solid combo

I did this a few weeks back when The VP of Ops was out of town for the weekend and my brother thought it was funny. That was fun. When the VP got back in town, she recoiled at the sight of me and my stache. I ended up shaving it before going into work that Monday because I was nervous about having to act like debuting a mustache wasn’t a big deal to me. (Oh this thing? God, I totally forgot I even had it. I don’t know..just felt like it. How do I think it looks? I don’t even care.) I’m so not that guy. (DAMNIT! CAN I PLEASE BE THAT GUY SOMEDAY? GOD? PLEASE! I WANNA BE THE “WHATEVER” GUY! THEY’RE SO COOL! NOTHING BOTHERS THEM! THEY JUST SAY “WHATEVER” AND SMOKE ANOTHER CIGARETTE!) I am, unfortunately for The VP of Ops, the “This Pisses My Wife Off, So It’s Hilarious”-guy.

It’s why I tie light jackets around my waist in the fall and early spring. Is it comfortable and convenient? Yes, of course. But, it also causes The VP to give me the side-eye and whisper something to me like “really? You’re really doing that in public next to me?” Uh….yeah babe! I’m doing this to you in public. (I like to laugh! So sue me!) It’s why I wear sunglasses that are like a 4 on the looks scale. Do I want to buy cool-guy shades from a designer that my hipster brother told me about? Yes. But then The VP wouldn’t be moderately embarrassed to introduce me-wearing my gas station hotboi shades-to a friend of hers I’d yet to meet. WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT?!?!

Now, because I am having so much fun thinking of all the times I have done something with the primary goal being to make The VP of Ops uncomfortable/mad/embarassed at me..I will be debuting a new section to my Monday blogs from here on out. The section will be called “The Time I Made Myself Laugh By Making The Vp of Ops Mad or Uncomfortable”. Look forward to a full-on story next Monday and many Monday’s from here on out. In the meantime, I look forward to brainstorming new ways to accomplish this…cuz there are like a lot of Monday’s in the future of the world AND I GOTTA GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to run through a brick wall right about now.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I just hate this fucking song. Remember when it was super popular? What the fuck was that all about?

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

I’m not going to lie to you guys, this NCAA tournament has been an unmitigated disaster for my gambling account and…life. Like, the amount of new deposits I’ve made into this account are nearing the “is this actually impacting my life”-zone. It’s scary and kind of invigorating all at the same time. I am saving my remaining balance, however, for this Thursday’s games when the tourney returns. That’s the plan at least…stay tuned.

(My account currently at $28.21)

K bye.

Life Predictions and Top Ten Chip List (3/14/2018)

MY WORLD:

Have you been noticing something about this blog? (This is a great lead in for a sick, deep burn at my expense. BRING IT ON!) Jimmy’s Chair is a stone-cold curse maker. If I write about rules for the gym, the next time I go to the gym there will be a guy shadowboxing on the treadmill next to me (this happened last night. I glared at him 3 times and then reminded myself that a guy who shadowboxes on a treadmill at Planet Fitness probably also carries a sharp knife in case he “gets stepped to.” I ain’t steppin!) If I pick a team to win, they will lose (UCLA lost to a made up school last night even though I used my lucky vape pen ON A SCHOOLNIGHT!) If I write about the impending arrival of spring, there will be a snowstorm (I had to pull over for 20 minutes yesterday because it was snowing so hard that I couldn’t see 50 feet in front of me.) With this in mind, I would like to make a few life predictions that I feel confident in and are in no way an attempt at a reverse jinx (everyone act normal. No sudden movements. Shut up shut up shut up shut up)

My dog Belle will never calm down and be nice to anyone aside from The VP of Ops and I. Great! Grand! Wonderful! The VP of Ops texted me about Belle’s latest psycho-freak-out while I was at the gym last night (working out, it’s a thing I do. Running mostly, but that’s because I have kind of a natural muscle tone. Thanks for asking.)

*Here’s the actual text exchange…I don’t know how to make the image smaller, back off.

I’ve come to peace with the fact that Belle will never get better. Dogs are supposed to be cuddly and nice especially when they look like a stuffed animal, but you know what? Even Jeffrey Dahmer’s parents loved him and I wuv my wittle cannibal doggy! I completely accept the fact that bringing her to my parents house is not in the cards. I look forward to the complications that will arise when The VP and I plan a vacation, only to realize that the ONE COUPLE that Belle actually gets along with, is out of town that week. Then, when we ask my brother to housesit, as a last resort, I understand and accept that he will make up an excuse because the one time he did watch her, she growl-barked at him into a corner for over 4 hours (this happened. He called me in Memphis and told me “she’s not calming down”. I responded “you’re breaking up! I can’t hear you!”) Guys, guess who is looking forward to the next time we have to bring Belle to a kennel only to have The VP cry the whole car ride after dropping her off? I AM, GUYS! ME! And when we have kids with psycho-killer-cannibal-dog? Let’s just say, SIGN ME UP! This is going to be great.

The VP of Ops and I will continue to rent one bedroom apartments in Chicago for the next 20 years minimum. Uhhhhhhh “yes, please!” Guys, when you get a chance to live on the third floor of a walk-up in a neighborhood known for carjackings and the occasional drive-by shooting, you find the nearest pen cuz that lease ain’t gonna sign itself! (If my parents or the VP’s parents are reading this, I would like to point out that I once got in a fight in Los Angeles and I didn’t even cry. So…yeah, you could say I’m pretty tough.) Maybe I want my money to go to the pockets of a landlord I’ve never met, who thinks fixing the heat in December is “optional”. Is that so bad? Last I checked, being different is what sets the great ones apart. I’m different, okay? I bet you REGULARS enjoy having bathrooms larger than an “Anorexic” port-a-potty too, huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Not me! I’m unique! And beautiful! Look, I can touch both walls in here! And no, I’m not at all bummed at the prospect of having to park at night on Carjack Boulevard for the rest of my adult life. EXCUUUUUUSE ME for marching to the beat of a different drummer!

A hiring person at a major online publication will never read this blog and offer me a well-paying writing job in a warm weather city. Getting up at 6AM to write hundreds of words is something I do because I love the act of writing and, hopefully, making someone having a rough day laugh a little bit. That’s what it’s all about, guys. I’m not here to somehow miraculously, against all odds, build a big audience that could gain the attention of someone at a website like The Ringer, who would then reach out to me with an e-mail with the subject line “Your writing has caught our attention and we have a ton of money to spend on new hires!” I’m not here for that. I’m here because this is a hobby that makes me feel good AND THAT’S IT! Money just doesn’t move my needle, if you catch my drift. Now, I don’t judge you if money is your primary motivation, but that’s just not me. I’m a “for-the-love-of-the-game”-guy. I’m the 38 year minor league catcher content with never making “the show” because I’m here for the guys, for the fans, for the love of the game. If you’re having a rough day at work, boss is really busting your hump, I hope this blog can maybe make you smile…even for just a second. If I can put one smile, on one strangers face, then I’ve done my job here.

Guys, you smell that? That’s the smell of STONE. COLD. LEAD. PIPE. LOCKS. Take these to your bookie and empty all of your accounts with money in them on these predictions. No way in God’s green, beautiful earth these don’t happen. (Don’t move…don’t! Shut up shut up shut up. Act normal!)

OUR WORLD:

WARNING: I’m about to delve into some pretty personal and, frankly, heavy issues. If you’re not okay with possibly crying at your desk, then you may want to re-think reading this section…

It’s National Chip Day. I know this because I love chips (and also because a friend of mine texted me “It’s National Chip Day”). In honor, of these salty, crispy, edible shapes, I would like to present you with my TOP TEN CHIP LIST. Now, I actually compiled a list like this a few weeks back when my friends and I got into a very heated, very prolonged argument about Flamin’ Hot Cheetos (some of these friends are raising kids. I’m excited about the next generation.) Unfortunately, my original TOP TEN CHIP LIST is lost in the sea of this group text, so I’m going to do my best to recreate it here. Oh, and Flamin’ Hot Cheeto-lovers need to get over themselves, you’re not impressing ANYBODY by pretending to like a mediocre/obscure chip. These are the same people that swear they love the taste of Malort. Get da fuck outta here!

JIMMYSCHAIR TOP TEN CHIPS

Kettle “Salt and Vinegar”: The undisputed king chip flavor and Kettle does it best.
Dorito “Nacho Cheese”: The “I haven’t had these in a while”-chip that ALWAYS blows you away.
Lays “Original Salted”: Classic and perfect. You don’t like these? Leave.
Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles: The VP intro’d me to these and OH MOMMA JOMMA deez iz good.
Frito Scoops: Yeah, I said it! Fritos are amazing, and guess what? Frito Scoops are just BIGGER Fritos. Bigger = better…everyone knows this.
BBQ Pringles: Pringles always sneak up on you and their BBQ flavor is ON POINT.
Jimmy John’s Jalapeno: They’re spicy, but not too spicy, and go great inside their sandy’s. Beach Club with these smashed in. Goodnight nurse.
Cool Ranch Doritos: Doritos know what they’re doing mmmmkay?
BBQ Lays: A close second to regular Lays. Guess what these go great with? A barbecue. Nailed it.
Cape Cod Salted: These will punish the roof of your mouth, but they’re totally worth it because CHIPS!

Feel free to debate me on these rankings, but know that I am positive that this is the definitive list. If yours is different IN ANY WAY, you obviously don’t know chips. Happy National Chip Day!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

All Hail King Chip!

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Worst chip of all time.

Bugles

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

UCLA losing to St. Bonaventure last night was completely ridiculous for so many reasons that I can’t believe Bovada is actually accepting that it happened. UCLA acting like they’ve never seen a zone defense before is something beyond anyone’s control (except our coach, Steve Alford, who should be FIRED IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE I’M MAD!) That one’s not my fault, plain and simple. Not my fault. Tonight? Listen, I don’t want to lie to you guys, here’s what’s going to happen: I’m going to wait until the last minute and then probably empty my Bovada account on Syracuse over Arizona State because Syracuse has a coach who people think is a good coach.

(My account currently at $34.11)

K bye.