Common Drunk Mistakes and Not Going to the Gym (7/10/18)

OUR WORLD:

I didn’t drink yesterday! I’m planning to not drink today too!!! (Planning is an interesting word, Jimmy). Sobriety is one slippery serpent around summer holidays (and stressful workweeks, and Fridays, and Saturdays, and winter holidays, and football Sundays, and…people I work with/for may be reading this so GIVE IT A REST, PAL!) but that mutant Wednesday holiday was a real jolt to my drinking equilibrium. Is anyone REALLY mad if we just start celebrating Independence Day on the first Friday in July? Lets give everyone a 3 day weekend and cool it with the midweek hangover. Am I the only one who felt like last Wednesday was a test? Paranoid-Jimmy sensed judgmental bitches out in FORCE on Thursday, taking stock of everyone wearing sunglasses and eating McDonald’s out of paper bags in their cars while parked outside suburban dialysis centers (you just got too specific there, Jimmy. They know it’s you now). I could almost hear these people saying “I guess SOMEBODY couldn’t control themselves on a midweek holiday. REVOKE HIS ADULTHOOD CARD!” Before I go off into a real tangent, I would like to propose that all McDonald’s drive-thru attendants begin each order by telling the person in the car that “everything is going to be okay. Now, what can I get you?” The amount of anxiety those simple words would help ease in the world could lead to the end of anti-depressants ALL TOGETHER. Exaggeration? Well duh, but how many people going through the McDonald’s drive thru are really just searching for someone to tell them that “everything is going to be okay”? My educated guess would be 100%.

Now, to the issue at hand. Over the past week-ish, through observing and participating in some alcohol-fueled escapades, I’ve begun assembling a list of mistakes that all of us drinking folk make time after time after time. We’ll tell ourselves that we’re going to make sure we do this or make sure we don’t do that, and then we have beers and shots and FUN and start thinking “EVERYONE LOVES EVERYTHING I DO!” They don’t. My initial goal of this piece was to help us to learn and better ourselves, but I’m no fool. For the vast majority of us, this may simply be a therapeutic exercise in communal immaturity. Here are the drunk-person mistakes that all us drinkers make and will continue to make because drinking impairs our decision-making abilities. Or, as I like to call it, the first edition of the “Oh, I’m not the only who gets drunk and”-list of missteps.

Makes extravagant plans with friends about “finally putting a group trip together!” only to never talk about that trip until the next time you’re all very drunk.

I’ve agreed no less than 28 times to start planning a group trip to Michigan or Wisconsin or some other moderately priced, drive-able location while out drinking with friends. It always happens when someone in the group just got back from a trip. They have a tan and are happier/less stressed than normal because they just returned from “a relaxing few days.” Everyone around them is jealous and saying things like “but I wanna!” to their significant others. Natural progression includes the person who just returned from vacay proposing that the whole group goes to where they just were. “Yay!” is usually what I think and ALWAYS what the VP actually says out loud. Aside from the two friends at the bar thinking they’re taking “secret” shots even though everyone can see them, everyone agrees that this trip is something that MUST happen.

This is when trouble begins to arise. Who is going to take the lead on planning this? NOBODY in the entire universe wants that responsibility. Hey Friendo, when you’re done with work and walking your dog and paying your bills and cooking your dinner and doing your laundry and parking on the street in the city and going to the gym and apologizing to your wife for losing the iPhone charger, would you mind corralling a group of functioning alcoholics to all agree on which weekend they should all spend more than really want to, to go to some place in Wisconsin they haven’t been since they were children? TYSM!!!

So what ends up happening is…uh….nothing. And most of the time, honestly, I’m relieved. I have heard of people going on their phones while IN the bar and making reservations THAT NIGHT. While I applaud the immediate follow-through, I’ve gotta admit that if I were part of that group I would IMMEDIATELY start thinking of potential excuses to drop a week before the actual trip. Yes, friend trips are fun, but agreeing to spend a bunch of money while you’re already drunk and already spending a bunch of money at the bar? Folks, that right there is the origin story of most panic attacks for 30 year olds (surprised you didn’t know that. Also, if you’re over 30, like me, referring to yourself as a “30 year old” is a nice cheat-code to feel younger.)

Orders shots for all the people you’re with and immediately regrets having to pay $48 for 6 Fireball shots and a sure-fire hangover.

I love thinking about how shots must’ve been invented. You know some drunk guy named Terry was out one night thinking “I love drinking beer, but I want to get drunk faster. Liquor? Yeah, but I hate the taste. What if…someone could like shoot something into my mouth REAL quick to get me drunk and I could go back to drinking beer? SHOTS!” Once Terry’s friend, Lorenzo, heard of this idea he joined in the fray and asked the bartender to just add a bunch of sugar to his “shot” to also help mask the taste. Said bartender then, one late night, tired of feeling like candy dealer, put on a bowtie, grew a mustache and invented simple syrup. “It’s actually not sugar, it’s a cocktail ingredient known as simple syrup,” said the first ever douchey Mixologist. Boom, I just gave you the evolution of alcohol. (I have done no research into that, but I don’t want to know if it’s wrong. I don’t care what anyone says. No chance someone other than a dude named Terry invented shots. NOW GET BACK TO THE FUCKING POINT, JIMMY!)

The point is that now, age thirty tuoeiwe, shots are but an illicit daydream while out at the bar with friends. No one is really going to ask the crew if they WANT shots because nobody wants to be met with the “you have a problem, don’t you?”-looks. The way around this, however, is to just show up to the table with a tray of shots. It’s a risky move because the majority of the table is going to be pseudo-pissed at you, but that’ll fade. The people that are excited, though, will think of you as their Dark Knight of fireball for allowing them to use the “it would be rude NOT to take this”-excuse. In the words of Chief Gordon, the Dark Knight of Fireball endures the ridicule “Because he can take it, because he’s not a hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a Dark Knight.”

Are you, like me, one of these Dark Knights of Fireball? Let’s talk. Like me, I bet you told yourself before going out “no shots tonight.” I bet once you got to the bar and had a few POPS you started laughing and having an absolute ball. You’re doing some dance moves by yourself to the faint Top 40 songs playing on the speakers (excuse me DJ, can you please play some Steve Winwood? Yeah, I’ll settle for Katy Perry.) Next thing you know, you’re in the bathroom thinking to yourself “I’ve got my lady here, my friends here and just pulled off a killer flossing routine in the middle of the bar, how could this night get better?!?!” That’s when you slowly look up from washing your hands and catch yourself in the mirror…”Shots.” It’s exciting in the same way that the idea of smoking a cigarette is. (Look cool and get a little extra buzz in the process!)

You’re in full-on “ignoring consequences”-mode until directly after you put down the empty shot glass. Fireball isn’t cheap, but you can’t close out your tab right this second because…uh…I STILL WANNA HAVE FUN! So now you’re panicking as you run through all the times you bought fireball shots in the past trying to figure out how much it’s going to cost. The “oh no”-face begins to take hold of you, but you have to play it off when your wife asks if everything is okay because NOBODY likes the “can we split that tray of shots?”-guy. (Honestly, I’ve never seen one of the Dark Knights of Fireball ask to split the cost afterwards, but I’m POSITIVE they all think about asking.) So you’re now stuck in the bar trying to do math (legally impossible after beer #7) while pretending that you’re still having a good time. On top of that, you broke your “no shots” rule and you’re thinking about it now because panic spares no potential suitor. When it begins, the panic zombie-goblins come back to life and begin feeding on any potential fear-inducing topic. 2 hours later, when you finally do close out your tab and sign your check, you nearly hyperventilate while thinking about your bank account, tomorrow’s hangover, and how your pants are going to feel after you DEMOLISH late-night pizza. Everything is, most certainly, not okay.

Thinks that no matter where you are, walking home is a good idea.

I don’t care if I’m at a bar in the middle of the goddamn ocean, the second close out my tab I’m thinking “walkin’ time!” There are so many reasons for this, but the top one has to be that walking home allows for the possibility of stopping at a late-night eatery for some delicious delicious treats. (I’ve gotta do a list of “Best Late Night Eats” at some point.) Asking an Uber to go through a drive-thru includes feeling ashamed for involving a stranger in your excess (this is our little secret!) AND ALSO risks the driver messing up your order when he asks what he should say into the drive-thru speaker. If you’re walking, you get to play the “well, I mean, McDonald’s is right there” game of chicken with your spouse. Saying ‘no’ to McDonald’s after midnight is the type of self-control that is written about in books that smarter people than me read. Whenever I’m late-night walking with The VP and toss out the “McDonald’s?” she shrugs in an effort to mask how OVERWHELMINGLY EXCITED she is that I was the one to suggest it. (The Dark Knight strikes again).

Unfortunately, when you live in a city like Chicago, with tons of stories about drunk idiots (me? are you talking about me?) getting mugged, walking home is NOT. SAFE. When I’m going out without The VP, she actually makes me promise her that I won’t walk home. Little does The VP of Ops know that my toes are crossed when I make this promise and YOU CAN’T GET MAD ABOUT CROSSIES!!! YOU CAN’T! If I simply plan to speed-walk home while zig-zagging down the sidewalk, “tough to hit a moving target”-style, I should be fine (I’m legit V nervous that I just jinxed myself.) When I’m descending into panic-mode following my OUTRAGEOUS bar spend, skipping the $13 Uber ride is going to make me feel just a little bit better. And at that point of the night, every little bit counts!

Finally, I don’t care what kind of shape you’re in, everyone loves breaking into the “I just want to be home right this second”-drunksprint and we’re ALL convinced that our drunksprint is faster than any car ever put on this earth. The next “Fast & The Furious” movie should really be about dueling drunksprinters.

MY WORLD:

I’ve taken the last week off from working out because during my last run I felt some crazy pulling on my hamstrings. I told myself that I needed the rest, which I probably did, but I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t A BILLION PERCENT THRILLED to have a legitimate excuse to not go to the gym for a little while. The downside of this MANDATORY vacation, however, is the guilt associated following every meal. Some of the things I’ve considered to combat this fat-guilt I’ve been experiencing, include:

-Shaving my beard: Shaving makes your face look thinner. I’ve had a “beard” (stop laughing Dad!) for a few months now, so if I shaved it, I think people would be like “whoa, have you been losing weight?” Tricked ya!

-Cutting my hair: I need a haircut and have been wearing a hat for about 5 weeks straight now to hide this fact. Along the same lines as the beard thing, if I get a haircut, it could distract people from my widening torso. If I got a SUPER new haircut, like a buzz or one of those cool hipster/hitler-youth haircuts, people would def not notice that I’m wearing my “the diet is not going well”-jeans.

-Embracing being bigger: I just don’t think I’m tall enough to pull off “big guy”. It stinks because I feel like there are taller guys who are overweight, but they wear it well so they can just be “the big guy.” I wanna be “the big guy”! When I gain weight, I’m stocky and NOBODY wants to be “the stocky guy”. Is there any other way I can embrace the inevitability of getting bigger? I’m open to suggestions here.

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

My Dad sent me the link to this song last week. I remember when I told people that I hated country music. I do not feel that way anymore. This song is fabulous.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When you bring your car in for an inspection and the body shop guy comes into the waiting room because he “needs to talk to you about something.” GREAT!

JIMMY GAMBLES:

Been really up and down lately. Hit big on some World Cup bets last week but also learned the hard lesson that betting the moneyline in soccer means your team has to win by the end of regulation. I realized this while celebrating my Croatia “win” and assuring my gambling partners that Bovada must be malfunctioning because it hadn’t paid us out yet. After about 19 page refreshes, The VP googled “soccer gambling” for me and broke my heart while reading the moneyline regulation rules. If I would’ve known gambling involved reading and learning, I never would’ve gotten into it. Today I’ve got Belgium because I bet on them before the tournament started and don’t want to start rooting against them now even though I’m TERRIFIED of that fast French dude MBappe.

(Current balance at $31.87)

K bye.

Car People and Tight Shorts (6/6/18)

MY WORLD:

A few years back, The VP of Ops and I got in a big fight about me being wrong and not admitting it and then getting madder at her for pointing that out and it turned into a real THING. Mind you, our fights usually consist of me being in some sort of mood (Shut up to all the people saying “such a Gemini”-in their head rn) or The VP just absolutely refusing to admit when she may have been wrong. It’s the same routine most times where we’ll get mad, kinda snap without yelling, make exchange some cutting remarks in the guise of “being funny”, give each other the silent treatment for a few hours and then gently start to make gentler jokes about the fight as we wait for the other one to apologize first (spoiler alert: IT’S ALWAYS ME BECAUSE GAH FUHBIH SHE EVER ADMITS THAT SHE WAS WRONG!) Anyway, this particular fight a few years back, was ratcheted up a few notches because it happened later in the evening after we had entered HAMMEREDVILLE, USA. You know those drunk fights where halfway through you catch yourself in a sober flash thinking “wait, why am I mad? Uh oh…I have no idea…DOESN’T MATTER, KEEP GOING!”? It was one of those. This night, however, my power move wasn’t just a silent treatment, but it was to retreat to the only place I can truly be myself: my car. (Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to drive anywhere. The plan was to sleep in my car…then I realized the backseat was supes uncomfy so I waited another 11 minutes before slithering back into our apartment. Uh….yeah, I think she got the point!)

We’re different people in our cars, right? Maybe I’m saying that because I’m in mine a lot and I act like a borderline mental patient in mine, but where else are you alone in a soundproof box with windows? It’s as close as we’ll ever come to being invisible in public (hey inventors, get off your asses and prove me wrong!) and I don’t know about you guys, but I relish this pseudo-invisibility. WHO’S WITH ME? Here are some of my classic “I can do this because I’m alone in a soundproof box”-moves:

-Front-seat Dancing: Singing is obvious and I can be one basic bitch so, yeah, I sing too, but the seated dance moves I’ve developed are nothing short of…well, probably disappointing. BUT! While I’m doing them, my brain is flooded with “remember this move next time you’re being looked at on a dance floor!” (Can someone also have a chair ready for me?) If you’re curious about what these moves are (WE ARE! JIMMY! WE ARE!) close your eyes TIGHT and think rolling shoulders mixed with pointing fingers that SOMETIMES curl back into air drum routines. Mind you, these moves are more likely to come out on Thursdays and Fridays as JGT (Jimmy Good Times!!!) nears his weekend entrance. And the bands/musicians that bring these hotsex seated dance moves out? We’re talking CHVRCHES, Steve Winwood (JGT’S FAVORITE), and maybe some cool-guy “I’m a rapper when I’m alone in my car”-moves for Old Kanye. I will warn you, however, that if you play any of this music while in the car with me, you will not see these moves. They are strictly for Alone-In-The-Car-Jimmy. I have made eye contact with random drivers mid-move, and I immediately stop and look up and away kinda’ like how Michael Cera did during the awkward moments in “Superbad”.

-The “I’m Pissed” Arm Toss: Middle fingers are so 1999, guys. When I get mad, and I’m either in front of or directly behind the car that made me mad, I toss my arm up like I’m flinging a frisbee through my sunroof. Here’s the thing though: there is no frisbee, and I have no sunroof. You just got hit with the Jimmyschair patented “I’m pissed” arm toss. And if you’re not feeling guilty for what you and your FUCKING car just did to me? Then I hope you rot in hell. Now I will say that this move is NOT restricted to Alone-In-The-Car-Jimmy (let’s call Alone-In-The-Car-Jimmy; JimE cuz it’s edgy but still sounds like my name!) The VP was introduced to the “I’m Pissed” Arm Toss early on in our relaish (what hip lingo doesn’t Jimmy know?!?!) after some pisspants cut me off. I don’t remember her exact reaction, but it was along the lines of a dripping-sarcastic “wow, my hero!” I always use my right arm because it’s stronger (thus, more intimidating) and there are no less than 4 tosses per day. JimE’s thinking? Chicago traffic is bad because there are too many guilt-free drivers not realizing the damage they’re causing by SWITCHING LANES WITHOUT A GODDAMN SIGNAL. The “I’m Pissed” Arm Toss slings guilt from my Chevy Equinox the way a Catholic Priest does during his sermon. Should we start calling my right arm Father Arm O’Tossahand?

-Talking to myself: The invention of speakerphone has provided the perfect cover for talking to yourself in the car. Even if you’re caught by a red-light neighbor, you can shoot the “I’m on the phone”-look (there’s a look for that? YEAH DUMMY!) Whether it’s preparing for an upcoming presentation; or running a “mock argument” that I’m anticipating later that day; or pretending that I’m being interviewed by a late-night talk show host, there is no shortage of my voice in my car. What’s weird about talking to yourself is that if you do in front of people, you’re obviously a LOON. BUT! I would also posit (nice word) that if you don’t do it while you’re alone, you are simply a different breed of LOON. Are there actually people who never talk to themselves? Is that the origin story of every socially awkward person? (Jimmy seems to really want to convince us that talking to yourself is not only not crazy, but normal. Hey Jimmy, PLEASE START TAKING PILLS PRESCRIBED BY A LICENSED PSYCHIATRIST!) This morning, for instance, I have about an hour-long commute, during which I plan to hold an interview where my current-self asks my future-self all about why it took so long for me (us?) to break into Hollywood’s writing scene. I can’t wait to give humble answers.

OUR WORLD:

Hopefully, you haven’t been like me lately and eating copious amounts of cheese dips. My summer bod is taking a hiatus that my shorts from last year were NOT prepared for. Therefore, I am entering a “I’m going to try to eat super healthy during the week, so I can pig out on weekends without having to buy all new summer clothes”-diet. If, unfortunately, you are like me and are looking to enter a similar shorts-saving campaign, here is what I have eaten and plan to eat for the rest of this week’s dinner. I give you, some healthy meals that don’t suck:

-Baked Chicken Wings: As long as you don’t coat them in flour or use butter in your buffalo sauce, I think we’re pretty gucci here. On its own, buffalo sauce ain’t that bad for you according to my brain when it looks at the nutritional info on the back of the Frank’s Buffalo Sauce bottle.

-Turkey Tacos: Lean turkey meat with taco seasoning is FINE, and I’m pretty sure if you use corn tortillas, it’s basically like eating corn…which is a vegetable and, therefore, GOOD FOR YOU. Skip the sour cream, but allow a little cheese. Atkins allows cheese and it’s kinda’ Atkins-y, so the cheese is okay.

-Skirt Steak with Chimichurri and Asparagus: Chimichurri is like limey pesto and errbody knows I love me some pesto. Skirt Steak is protein and protein is good because muscle guys talk about it a lot. The asparagus makes your pee smell weird which is a sign that you’re keeping your body on it’s toes with this new healthy-you. Watch out bod, things are a changing!

-Grilled Chicken and Broccoli: I’m not gonna lie, this is a boring-ass meal. However, you need to throw in one super healthy boring meal a week so you have something to truly brag about to your friends this weekend. Get ready to drop health-bombs on them like “it’s so nice not having to have another chicken and broccoli dish this week!” All your friends will get quiet and think to themselves “shit, what did he mean by another? I didn’t even have ONE chicken and broccoli meal this week!” That’s cuz you’re not as healthy as us, SUCKER!

And then Friday night comes and everything goes to hell. GOOD LUCK TO ME AND US AND EVERYONE WITH LAST YEAR’S SHORTS! (Or in my case, shorts I think I bought at least 6 years ago.)

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When your dog starts barking at a sound they hear in your apartment building, but before you can yell at them to be quiet, they run over to “protect” you. There’s part of me that kinda’ hopes that one day someone bursts through the door and calls Belle’s bluff.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Shaving. I’m putting it off because it’s never NOT annoying. I feel bad that girls can’t grow leg beards and, like guys, just be like “it’s a new look I’m trying out.” Of course they can, but like…maybe don’t. Please.

WRITING ABOUT GAMBLING ON THE NBA FINALS IS BORING ME SO I’M GOING TO TAKE A BREAK FROM IT FOR A LITTLE BIT. PLEASE DON’T CRY LIKE “BACHELORETTE” LINCOLN ABOUT THIS.

K bye.

Bachelorette Talk and Dog Baths (5/31/18)

OUR WORLD:

Yesterday’s blog was a little on the heavy side (oh my god, are you saying I’m fat?!) so today I decided to write about…CANCER AGAIN! Wait, no, I mean “The Bachelorette” season premiere. (Did he just joke about the Big C? NOT COOL BRO!) Yeah, let’s get a little light and loose and silly today, huh? LET’S GET BACK TO BEIN’ A BUNCHA GOOFS! (I think this blog sucks now…time to go back to scrolling Instagram and not getting caught by my boss.)

The VP and I were a little behind so we watched (initiating Chris Harrison fake excited voice…) THE SEASON PREMIERE OF “THE BACHELORETTE” on Tuesday night. Now that I’ve had a day to digest what was a relatively underwhelming opening episode, I am here for all my sweet baby readers (I’M NOT A BABY!) with initial, but definitely right-on-the-money, takes and predictions for ALL of the guys. Before I do that, however, (get ready for a lot of pictures!) let’s start with the bachelorette herself…

*REAL QUICK, I DO NOT LOOK UP SPOILERS AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THEM.

Becca HerLastNameDoesntMatter:

She’s fine. (HOT TAKE JIMMY IS IN THE BUILDING Y’ALL!!!) There’s just nothing all that interesting about her. She got dumped by Arie, has a hand tattoo and is somehow from a family in Minnesota that is OBSCENELY less attractive than she is. Her sisters and Mother, like no offense, look ROUGH and you know they’ve got to want to blurt out “You know, Becca never looked like this before Hollywood got ahold of her.” I don’t remember how old that sister with the frizzy hair is, but if that’s an older sister, their relationship is about to go down the tubes and into the sewer because that older uggo CANNOT be seen in the same room as Becca EVER. AGAIN.

Becca has also, somehow, made “Let’s do the damn thing!” as her catchphrase. I have two thoughts on this: 1) If anyone I was around ever said “lets do the damn thing!” I would most definitely not do that damn thing because people that say that are LAME. 2) If you replaced “damn” with “fuckin”, I would immediately think that Becca was WAY cool and would probably develop a lil’ baby crush on her. Imagine if after she met the first guy out of a limo, she slapped him on the ass and yelled “Let’s do the fuckin’ thing!” How awesome would she come off? Nope, she stuck with ‘damn’ and outed herself as a LAME. Also…real quick, real quick, how much can you root for a girl who was “head over heels” in love with that Professional Douche, Arie? If I found out that The VP of Ops had been dumped by someone along those lines, let’s say Russell Brand, I would’ve judged her HARSHLY and probably gone back to living my CRAZY AWESOME SINGLE FUN-TIMES-ALWAYS!!!!LIFE (PARTY TIME USA 4EVA!)

With a certified “Meh” girl to go after, this show NEEDS some high-quality television characters in the guy pile. Let’s see if we have any…I like to call this Jimmy’s “Rapid Fire Judgment Zone” aka “NOT PLANET FITNESS!” (If Planet Fitness sees this, I’m worried they’ll revoke my membership and I’ll be forced back into a gym with…like, nice facilities and less nerd B.O.)

Alex (GA)

Alex “Construction Manager” (Georgia): The VP likes this guy because he’s southern and was wearing a pink shirt. He was only in the background the whole show so he’ll be gone in NO TIME.

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Kicked off in the next 2 shows and you’ll never think of him again in your entire life.

Blake (CO)

Blake “Sales Rep” (Colorado): Bro, cool it with the smiling! This guy is good looking but I’m getting a real creepy vibe from him because he NEVER STOPS SMILING! I get it, all Colorado people are happy all the time cuz like “hang loose on the gnar pow!” but doesn’t your face hurt after holding a smile for 9 straight hours?! Also, a “Sales Rep” who never stops smiling has HE’S TRICKING YOU written all over him.

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy will stick around for a while because he’ll talk about outdoor stuff with Becca. She won’t pick him, but I’ll say he’ll make it to the final 8.

Chase FL

Chase “Advertising VP” (Florida): Weird hair. Weirder collar. GET OUT!

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He was already kicked off. He’ll go back to Florida and, for the next 4 months, will open every conversation with “Do you watch ‘The Bachelorette'”?

Chris (FL)

Chris “Sales Trainer” (Florida): First off, way too many Florida guys this year. That’s never a good sign. This dude is SLIME CITY and if you don’t see that you are one blind bitch. He trains people how to lie. He’s a Master Liar. (Wait…I work in sales too…but like it’s way different…completely different….)

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: We’ll all get to a point with him where we’ll be like “okay, this dude is full of shit, time to get rid of him!” Then Becca will annoy us by keeping him around for 2 more episodes.

Christian Banker.jpg

Christian “Banker” (California): Was this guy kicked off yet? I think so. If not, he will be. He’s short and not in Superman shape, which in “Bachelorette”-terms is a “GONER!”

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy knew he was gone the second he was picked for the show. He should’ve just gotten bombed in the house tried to steal something.

Christian Globe.jpg

Christian “Former Harlem Globetrotter” (California): This dude literally dunked on Becca and it was AWESOME. He’s in my top 3 favorite guys so far. Can they just have a part of every episode where he dunks on someone who’s not expecting it? Like, out of nowhere, a hoop shows up and he’s posterizing one of the other guys.

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: At some point, being a FORMER Harlem Globetrotter is going to catch up with him. He’ll stick for like 3-4 more episodes and we’ll all be kinda’ sad when he leaves.

Clay

Clay “Football Player” (Illinois): I know I’m supposed to love this guy cuz I love football and I’m from Illinois. But…uhhhhhh….he’s a doof. Professional athletes needing to go on a dating show is a major red flag.

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This is like the wrestler guy from the last “Bachelorette” who talked about his daughter way too much: he’s nice and he’ll stick around for a while, until Becca starts getting creeped out because he’s a little too nice. Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys who take it to the moon finish last because they have no personality aside from “just trying to make you happy.” BLUGH.

Colton “Former Pro Football Player” (Colorado): I’m going to be as honest with you all as I can be; I liked Colton until I found out he was a virgin. Is that wrong? He’s 26 and was in the NFL and said something like “it’s not about a religious thing, it’s about finding the right woman.” Jeez dude, relax and get laid FOR ONCE!

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy will be in the final 3 and I’ll feel guilty all season for kinda not liking a guy who gets Cystic Fibrosis Vests for kids just because he’s a virgin. THANK YOU COLTON!

connor

Connor “Fitness Coach” (Florida): What the fuck is a “fitness coach”? A trainer? If he came up with that job title himself, RESPECK. Fitness coach sounds way cooler than trainer. This guy has good hair, but is it too high? IT’S PRETTY HIGH, GUYS!

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’ll hang until like final 8ish, then Becca will be like “yeah, his hair is too high.”

Darius “Pharmaceutical Sales Rep” (California): This guy is another one who had to have known he was gone once he took a look at the other dudes there. If you’re not stupid handsome OR funny, you’re in the deadzone. HE GOT DEAD.

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He immediately regrets having been on this show when a Doctor makes fun of him for “being on that show my wife watches.”

Connor Venture

David “Venture Capitalist” (Colorado): This is the guy in the chicken suit. I know we’re supposed to think of him as “the funny guy” because he wore a chicken suit, but it wasn’t funny. If he would’ve just clucked the whole show and refused to actually speak like a human, that would’ve been funny. Instead, he just wore a chicken suit and didn’t do anything funny. Also, he’s 25 and a “venture capitalist”? Does that just mean he’s a rich kid looking for something to invest in? Not in on this dude.

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’s gone in the next 3 episodes. Once Becca is off-camera and realizes that she was just giving him courtesy laughs in the first episode, he’s doomed.

Garrett “Medical Sales Rep” (Nevada): Okay, I realize that I’m hating on most of these guys pretty hard and…it will continue with this guy. Don’t you hate people that LOVE telling you how they’re “all about living in the moment”? They can’t wait to talk about how FUN they are! That’s Garrett. Guess what, if you’re living in the moment you wouldn’t be telling people that you’re “living in the moment”…YOU’D JUST BE LIVING. Did that get too meta? Also, much like Chicken Guy above, Garret was trying WAY too hard to be funny. What’s funny about driving up in a van? He has soccer balls and a baby seat in the back because…he wants that one day…THAT’S WEIRD! Think of all of the guy friends you’ve EVER HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. Now, would any of those guys do something like that? No, because you’ve never been friends with a certified weird WEIRDO. He won the first impression rose which I thought was strange until I remembered that Becca is the same girl who was in love with Arie.

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’ll make it to the Final 3 because Becca won’t want to admit how wrong she was. As the season goes on, his fake smiles and fake laughs will begin to grate on you.

Grant

Grant “Electrician” (California): I like this guy because he’s not OVERLY good looking and he’s an electrician. That’s a real man job and if Becca knows what’s good for her she’ll let him her check her outlets (all the electricians reading this LOVE that joke.)

OFFICAL PREDICTION: He didn’t get much screen time in the first episode so that probably means he’s gone in the next 2 weeks. If I were him, I’d cut the power to the house when no one is looking and then act like a hero when I was the only one able to get the power back. Real “look at me, I’m a blue collar hero”-move that he should DEFINITELY utilize.

Jake “Marketing Consultant” (Minnesota): This is the guy Becca kinda knew from home. She sent him packing because he didn’t make a move on her when they hung out or something? It was weird/vague reasoning from her, so I was starting to feel bad for this guy. Then, when the camera showed his face he looked like he was about to cry and I was out on him. You can’t cry in the first episode; everyone knows this.

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Gonna be hard for this guy to overcome the “Cry Guy” label for the next few months. If I saw him in a bar, I would be very tempted to go up to him and ask if he was okay, then run back to my friends laughing like a REAL BULLY.

*Okay, wow, there are a lot of dudes here. I’ve gone through half. I’ll get through the next half next blog.

MY WORLD:

I wrote a lot about personal things yesterday, so today’s will be a little shorter (is it about cancer again? Dear God, please say no!) I gave Belle a shower last night because our apartment doesn’t have a bath (stand-up shower people!) AND IT WAS DIFFICULT.

Since I feel uncomfortable being naked around my dog, I did it wearing gym shorts and once we were done I had ZERO idea how to try her off. I really think it’s impossible to dry a hairy dog all the way off if you live in a smallish apartment. We went through like 3 towels and I shot my hair dryer at her for at least 18 minutes and she was still sopping wet. There needs to be a dog robe invention or…like some sort of bubble-boy contraption that I could wrap Belle in until she’s fully dry.

That’s it. That’s my million-dollar idea. “Bubble-Dog”: An inflatable suit to put your dog in when they’re out of the shower. You know that game where people get in those huge inflatable balls and roll down a hill or run into each other? It’s like that, but it closes around your dog’s entire body. GODDAMNIT, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN JIMMY!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I am V into the new CHVRCHES album. Also, I have developed a very very very serious crush on the lead singer. It’s serious guys, so like, please don’t show her my blog from yesterday. Here’s my fave song off the album AND you get to hear my sweet love crush talk a little with the audience first.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Getting a new driver license and totally botching the photo so you look like a psycho on your official ID for the next few years.

GAMBLING IS MAYBE MY FAVORITE THING TO TALK ABOUT BUT I THINK IT’S KINDA’ BORING TO WRITE ABOUT MOST OF THE TIME SO I’M GOING TO KEEP THESE SHORT:

I went on a tear. Took $200 out of my account and put it into Bitcoin. I honestly think I will someday get rich off of this. Now, to the picks. LeBron killed me in that Game 7. I bet against him even though EVERYONE told me not to. Now, I’m scared to bet against him. The Warriors are giving 13 points and I think they should blow them out, but the Warriors have been sleepwalking through these playoffs. I’m thinking the Cavs keep it somewhat close tonight, so lets roll with them.

(My account is currently at $20 ON THE NOSE!)

K bye.

Inventions That Need To Happen (5/15/18)

MY WORLD:

Remember when you were a kid and you would have invention day at school? That day was the best. One year, I remember I painted a big cardboard box and had a couple of slots that you’d drop bread and salami down for a “salami sandwich maker”. (Big salami on white bread guy here. If you like to get fancy, throw some Cheetos in there. GAME. CHANGER.) While dropping wonder bread and cuts of salami through a cardboard box never took off, I’ve always tried to think of stuff that I couldn’t make, but would love to see. When I was younger, I’d say stuff like “I can’t tell you my invention ideas because you’ll steal them and get rich off my brain.” Now, though, as a full-grown adult (but like, my doctor did say I could get over 6 feet tall one day so maybe not…) who knows his limitations (there are a lot!) I’m not afraid to share my genius invention ideas with you all. Nobody reading this has the bandwidth (business term) to turn these into a reality and get rich off of them. AND! Even if someone does, I’ll actually find it a little funny about how bad I just jinxed myself there. Without further ado, here are my “Can someone smarter than me please make these things happen and then give me some money for coming up with the idea?-Inventions”

A hand dryer that makes your hands dry in less than 3 seconds

I don’t know how it is in the women’s room (because I don’t go in there because I’m not allowed) but every time I’m in the men’s room it leads to an awkward exit. I’ll finish peeing and then wash my hands because there are people there who will judge me if I don’t EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY DIDN’T PEE ON MY HANDS! After washing my hands, I’ll try to dry them in those fancy new blower things that every bar has, but it takes longer than it should…and then there’s a line of a couple dudes behind me like “I remember my first hand drier!” Usually, I get so uncomfortable with holding up the drier (dryer? drier?) line that I just leave with my hands still wet. AND HAVING WET HANDS STINKS! You have to dry them on your dirty pants and then, guess what? YOUR HANDS ARE DIRTY AGAIN!

Stop me if I’m asking for too much here, but can’t we have a machine that zaps our hands and they’re immediately dry? Remember that memory eraser thing in “Men in Black”? Like one of those, but instead of erasing your memory, it just dries your hands. If you can’t tell, I would very much be in favor of bringing paper towel dispensers back to all of the bathrooms, but I guess that’s gonna make the earth explode. So that’s out. Until this flash hand dryer is invented though, can we all agree that standing over someone while they’re trying to dry their hands is unnecessary? Maybe just pretend you’re still washing your hands for another 38 seconds until my hands are actually dry?

Car slappers

This may be my favorite name for an invention of mine “The Car Slapper”. Here’s the idea: sometimes honking just isn’t enough. You ever driving and see a car drift into your lane or right in front of you and all you want to do is give that car a “Hey, I’m drivin’ here!”-slap? What if, on each side of your car, there was a big inflatable hand–like, the size of a pool noodle but in the shape of a hand–that you could press a button and it would shoot out and SLAP the car next to you? It wouldn’t damage the bad driver’s car, but it would shock them and be WAY more of a jolt to get out of your way than some lame honking sound.

Also! I think these inflatable hands should be covered in chalk. Therefore, if you’re on the road and get “slapped” then other drivers would know to pay extra close attention for the rest of the day because they’d see the chalky handprint on the side of your car. It would be a scarlet letter of sorts for bad drivers. Would some people abuse this tool? I already thought about that, guys! The only way you can have a car that is equipped with “The Car Slapper” is if you’ve been accident-free for 3 years. I’m not here to invent things for bad drivers to take advantage of. I’m here for the rest of us; the cautious drivers who aren’t afraid to stop on a yellow light, or actually pull over at the sound of police sirens. ALSO! If anything about your car resembles anything from ANY of “The Fast and The Furious” movies, you can’t get “The Car Slapper”. This includes: loud muffler things, lights under your car, windows that are tinted a little too much, a spoiler, or basically any Honda that has had work done on it.

The get-away-from-me shirt

The name for this one may need work, but the idea is great. What if you had a shirt that alerted people when they were too close to you? I don’t want this to be used as a weapon, but what if a shirt was made in a way that if someone got within 3 feet of you, they would get sprayed with a B.O. spray? Being the guy with B.O. for the rest of the day is MORE than enough of a deterrent to stay 3 feet away from someone. Here’s how it would work: a FASHIONABLE shirt would be made (not sacrificing fashion here) that would alert people as to what you view as your personal space. Think, instead of a Nike swoosh on the arm, there’s a “3 FEET!” patch that lets people know that if they get within 3 feet of you, they will be shot with B.O. spray. If they get within 6 inches of crossing into your personal space, that patch would start flashing like a warning siren that signifies “BACK UP OR SMELL LIKE B.O. FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!”

Imagine the next time you’re walking down the street and you see one of those people with a clipboard and a spiel that you don’t care about. You see them approaching you and saying something like “Hello sir! Do you care about ending little babies being tortured?” Of course you do, but you just wanted to get a goddamn sandwich and not talk to anyone! If you had one of my shirts, you could just point to your “5 Feet!” patch and they’d know not to get any closer. You wouldn’t have to say anything mean like “No, I don’t care about little babies being tortured.” All you’d have to do is give a look down to your patch. They’d hate it, but not as much as they’d hate smelling like “Smelly Richard” from your high school math class.

The fart silencer

Everybody farts, guys. It’s a funny sound, but it’s also a real thing that way too many people struggle to hide while they’re at work or on a date or in a public place that’s just a little too quiet. When The VP and I started dating, I hid my farts like a ninja who always had a pained look on his face. It was about 4 months until she heard my first one, an accidental/laughed-too-hard fart that came out in the middle of a party. Thankfully, The VP is cool, but it was petrifying. I half expected her to dump me on the spot.

I’m not advocating for a diaper-like thing or an enema of sorts (too icky, right?!?!) But maybe just some cool pants that has a muffler like device on the butt? If I let one out, nobody would hear it because my magic pants silenced it. I mean, there’s a device to silence a GUN SHOOTING A BULLET–there has to be a pants device to silence a BUTT SHOOTING A FART. (If you’re not laughing at “a butt shooting a fart” then just stop reading this forever. That’s as good as I get, folks.) Every high school kid would immediately buy these and save themselves from confidence-crippling accidental farts. Remember that time you were doing sit-ups in the gym next to the cute girl and you accidentally let out a RIPPER? With these magic gym pants, Cute Girl would never know. (Could she smell it? Yes, but that’s always easy to pawn off on someone else.)

*Quick related-story: I came up with this idea in college. It was a U.S. History class and we were taking a final. I was sitting next to a girl I had a crush on, and I was super nervous about that AND taking a final that I was ill-prepared for. (Don’t worry VP, you’re way hotter than she ever was.) Anyway, so the classroom was dead silent as everyone worked on the final. The silence was broken, however, by my stomach growls. I had to fart, but I couldn’t run out because I didn’t think you could leave the room during a final. So I was holding it in for dear life. My stomach did not appreciate this, and was letting THE ENTIRE WORLD KNOW. These growls were angry and scary and…disturbing enough that the girl I had a crush on, literally leaned over and asked if I was okay. I never asked that girl out.

The Sober-Now Pill

If you’ve been around me much, you’ve probably heard me talk about this a lot. (In fact, I feel like I may have talked about this in a previous blog…but I don’t want to go through all of them and check, so deal with this.) How amazing would it be if you got to the end of your night, started to feel that “oh my god, tomorrow is gonna hurt real bad”-feeling, but were able to drop a pill into your last beer and POOF! You’re back to zero. It would basically eliminate hangovers, drunk driving and you’d save so much on Ubers. Get bombed, pop a sober pill, drive home. GREAT NIGHT!

Also, the comedy that could be had would be priceless. My favorite thing about this invention is thinking about the times I’d sneak this pill into a friend’s beer before they were ready to be sober. They’d be in the middle of a great night, hitting peak-buzz level and finally unwinding from a stressful week when BOOM! “Did you put a sober pill in my beer, Jimmy?!?!” GOTCHA JERK! ENJOY PAYING THAT $90 TAB AND BEING SOBER BEFORE YOU WANTED TO BE!!! You could never leave your drink unattended around me. And it’s not like I’d get in trouble for “drugging” you; I’d basically be doing a public-service by ridding the public of your drunken ass. Cops would thank me! Please make this happen someone.

OUR WORLD:

Game of Thrones Season 1 Review will be coming possibly as soon as tomorrow! That was a lot of words I wrote for the “My World” section so you’re gonna have to wait on this one. BUT! The VP and I finished Season 1 last night and OOOOOOOO DOGGY!!! WE ARE SO IN ON THIS SHOW!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

New song off of Dave Matthews’ new album! And I found a live video of it! LOVE!

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When you wear a sweater for the first time and you take it off to see that it left a bunch of fuzzies on your white t-shirt. AND IT’S TOO HOT TO PUT THE SWEATER BACK ON!!! SO YOU HAVE TO WALK AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT COVERED IN FUZZIES!!!

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

Not to brag, but I hit a Warriors/Vegas parlay last night. Not to brag not to brag. I’m getting close to the level where I’ll cash out and dump that money into bitcoin (I’ve decided I want to invest in bitcoin cuz it sounds fun!) Tonight I like Boston (-1) and Tampa Bay (+1.5). LeBron was way too relaxed after that Game 1 ass-kicking. He reminded me of that guy who tries to convince himself that he’s not worried when he DEFINITELY IS. Cleveland stinks, guys. And the Lightning? I mean, they can’t go down 3-0 without at least putting up a fight. I say if they lose, it won’t be by more than 1. GOD MY GAMBLING BRAIN IS FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS TODAY!!!

(My account currently at $231.76….YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!)

K bye.