Sunday TV Binge Shows and Why Angry Wives Are So Funny (3-19-18)

OUR WORLD:

Yesterday was a day of rest for The VP of Ops and I. Perched in our assigned living room spots, me on my chair (it’s a real thing, this chair, and we’ve developed feelings…real feelings) and The VP on our couch. (While I love my chair, I will say that not being able to lay sideways on days like yesterday is something I never planned for when claiming my spot as the chair. This was a slight miscalculation on my part, but I have learned from it and plan to revisit the “assigned seat” negotiating table once we buy our next couch.)

Aside from the occasional “you okay?”-head tilt towards the other, we were busy dealing with our own Post-St. Patty’s-Day-issues. Self talk (breathe Jimmy. Wait…that’s not how breathing works! HOW DOES BREATHING WORK!?!?!) and awkward positions on your assigned living room seat is what Sundays like this are all about. How many times did you get kinda excited and think “I’m actually not that bad!” only to get up and have your brain start smashing the eject button from inside your skull. Zero? Yeah, me too. Cool cool coolio!

Anyways, we’ve all been here and aside from ordering food that’s not going to taste as good as you think it’s going to, binge watching television shows is the only tonic. For us, yesterday was “Peaky Blinders” all day, and it got me thinking…what are the best “Sleepy Sunday” binge-worthy tv shows? *This list is not BEST TV shows, it’s shows that have the ability to soothe your hangover. Maybe you’ve watched them before, but that’s okay, these shows are like your blankie or dirty old stuffed animal rabbit that you got when you were born and still sleep with (hand up).

Lets call this our “Top Sleepy Ti Ti Shows” (you know, cuz you’re sleepy and tired…SLEEPY TI TI!):

The Office: Number one with a bullet. Do I even have to say it’s the American version? I remember when news hit that they were making an American version of “The Office” and I was such a snooty film-school dick about it. “No way it can recreate the subtle moments the way Ricky Gervais did!” Pssshaw! This, my friends, is called a “wrong take”. Steve Carrell as Michael Scott is the best television character of all time (mean this a billion percent) and getting to watch the prime of this character is the chicken noodle soup of television. You know what it’s going to be, yet, somehow, you still love every second of it. (What an analogy!!! Hey! Let’s add that as a section! YOU’RE DOING IT!). *FOOD ANALOGY = CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP
The O.C.: I just wrote and then deleted the following…”I’m not even embarrassed about this pick.” That means I’m embarrassed about this pick. I blame The VP of Ops and her powerful influence over my brain for this but let me say this fellas: you watched the first couple seasons of this show when it first came out, and you loved it. DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME! NOT TODAY! NOT ON JIMMYSCHAIR! This show holds up better than you think it does. Seth is still funny. Rachel Bilson is still a babe (see guys? that’s a cool-dude thing to say. Babes.) And Ryan still pulls off the white tank look even though, according to all your research, that is not possible. Remember that super simple sandwich that was your favorite as a kid? You haven’t had one since you were 11. This show is like that sandwich. Try making one, I bet you’ll remember why you loved it. *FOOD ANALOGY = SALAMI SANDWICH ON WHITE WONDER BREAD
Parks and Rec: A close cousin to “The Office” for sure, but why should we hold that against this show? I feel like every time I bring this show up, there’s kind of a “yeah, but it’s not The Office”-cloud over it. It’s not “The Office”, but it’s almost as funny. Fat Chris Pratt > Jurassic World Chris Pratt. Can someone get Chris Pratt out of the gym because he was well on his way to being a comedy megastar. He’s fine as an action dude, but I like comedies more than action movies so…DO WHAT I SAY! Andy Dwyer is new-age Chris Farley and Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson makes you want to grow a mustache and be surly to all your co-workers. This show is a good chip. It’s not KING CHIP. It might be the same brand as KING CHIP, but it’s a different flavor. *FOOD ANALOGY = BUFFALO BLEU KETTLE CHIP’S
Friday Night Lights: Binging dramas can be difficult. This show would be higher on just a list of favorite shows of all-time, but it still places as rewatchable because Coach Taylor is my idol. I don’t even say that as a joke anymore. When we first watched it, I’d say “I wanna be Coach Taylor” to the VP with like a smirk. Like, I was sending that thought out as a trial balloon. But with distance, comes perspective and I think I actually want to become the fictional coach from “Friday Night Lights”. I would like to coach High School football in Texas. Did I play? I mean, not really, but…I like football a WHOLE BUNCH! Guys, A WHOLE BUNCH! Also, I think I can pull off the gruff, kinda moody, kinda nice, kinda mean, but..oh wait…he’s tough too-type of persona. Also, not to brag, but I pull off mid-length socks and khaki shorts like I was born in ’em. This show is truly aspirational much the way a complicated rice dish is. Much the way I think I could actually become Coach Taylor, you think you won’t fuck up the rice in that complicated, yet delicious looking rice-based dish. You will fuck up the rice. *FOOD ANALOGY = COMPLICATED RICE-BASED DISH
Arrested Development: The new seasons on Netflix don’t count. Seriously, do not tell me that “they’re actually pretty good”. I don’t believe you and I don’t care. The original first 3 seasons of this show are so damn smart and funny that they’re all that matters here. Cool thing about binging this show is that you can get through those first 3 seasons in a reasonable amount of time. It’s not going to take your life over. The most fun debate to have about this show is to ask your friends who their fave character is. The easy answer is Gob, but guess what? THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S WRONG! Jesus H, I’m so tired of trying to sound smarter than I actually am and picking someone other than Gob for fave character. “You see, the thing with George Michael that everyone overlooks is-“SHUT UP JIMMY! It’s Gob. Convo over. You’re not that smart. I’m aware you can make the case for Tobias, but uhhhhhhh NO. And if you even bring Michael into this arena you will be hanged at the behest of the king (me. I’m the king here. King Chair). This show is so damn funny and I’ve seen it so many times, but I still find little moments that I missed. It’s like ordering trying a new item or condiment from a fast food restaurant you go to all the time…and being impressed with it. *FOOD ANALOGY = MCDONALD’S BUFFALO SAUCE (my new KING SAUCE for Chicken Nuggy’s. Game changer, guys. Game changer.)

That’s the list.

MY WORLD:

I shaved my facial hair into a mustache this weekend because getting under The VP of Ops’ skin is really fun for me. That was the reason. I don’t think it looks good. In fact, I know it does not look good, and I’m not secure enough to try to convince people that I don’t care about that (although, I DEFINITELY did that this weekend. I got a few “it actually doesn’t look that bad”s from friends and I lied when I responded “dude, I don’t even care. I just think it’s funny.” I cared. I care.)

stache *not gonna lie, shades and stache are a solid combo

I did this a few weeks back when The VP of Ops was out of town for the weekend and my brother thought it was funny. That was fun. When the VP got back in town, she recoiled at the sight of me and my stache. I ended up shaving it before going into work that Monday because I was nervous about having to act like debuting a mustache wasn’t a big deal to me. (Oh this thing? God, I totally forgot I even had it. I don’t know..just felt like it. How do I think it looks? I don’t even care.) I’m so not that guy. (DAMNIT! CAN I PLEASE BE THAT GUY SOMEDAY? GOD? PLEASE! I WANNA BE THE “WHATEVER” GUY! THEY’RE SO COOL! NOTHING BOTHERS THEM! THEY JUST SAY “WHATEVER” AND SMOKE ANOTHER CIGARETTE!) I am, unfortunately for The VP of Ops, the “This Pisses My Wife Off, So It’s Hilarious”-guy.

It’s why I tie light jackets around my waist in the fall and early spring. Is it comfortable and convenient? Yes, of course. But, it also causes The VP to give me the side-eye and whisper something to me like “really? You’re really doing that in public next to me?” Uh….yeah babe! I’m doing this to you in public. (I like to laugh! So sue me!) It’s why I wear sunglasses that are like a 4 on the looks scale. Do I want to buy cool-guy shades from a designer that my hipster brother told me about? Yes. But then The VP wouldn’t be moderately embarrassed to introduce me-wearing my gas station hotboi shades-to a friend of hers I’d yet to meet. WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT?!?!

Now, because I am having so much fun thinking of all the times I have done something with the primary goal being to make The VP of Ops uncomfortable/mad/embarassed at me..I will be debuting a new section to my Monday blogs from here on out. The section will be called “The Time I Made Myself Laugh By Making The Vp of Ops Mad or Uncomfortable”. Look forward to a full-on story next Monday and many Monday’s from here on out. In the meantime, I look forward to brainstorming new ways to accomplish this…cuz there are like a lot of Monday’s in the future of the world AND I GOTTA GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to run through a brick wall right about now.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I just hate this fucking song. Remember when it was super popular? What the fuck was that all about?

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

I’m not going to lie to you guys, this NCAA tournament has been an unmitigated disaster for my gambling account and…life. Like, the amount of new deposits I’ve made into this account are nearing the “is this actually impacting my life”-zone. It’s scary and kind of invigorating all at the same time. I am saving my remaining balance, however, for this Thursday’s games when the tourney returns. That’s the plan at least…stay tuned.

(My account currently at $28.21)

K bye.

Navigating Sports Fans at Work Today (3/15/2018)

OUR WORLD:

Today is the first day of the NCAA Tournament, the REAL kick-off for March Madness. This is the 4th of July in the middle of March, celebrated indoors, without fireworks or hot dogs, but…GODDAMNIT, YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING. (I’m on edge, and I’m not apologizing for it today. I’m a full pot of coffee deep and my nerves are….FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP BARKING BELLE!!!) Today is a super big deal for sports fans, and the fact that a candidate hasn’t run on a “I’ll make the first 2 days of March Madness National Holidays”-platform is a real mystery. (Jimmy Politics IS IN THE BUILDING!!!) However, I do realize that today is also a prime day for the non-sports fans to poke fun at and needle people of my ilk. I am asking, for the sake of sports NUTZ everywhere, that you refrain from doing that today. (I’m not kidding. This is not a joke and that is why there is no joke being inserted here. This is a serious ask from a serious man. Simply, today is not the day. NOT. THE. DAY.) Along those lines, here is a guide for you non-sporties out there at work today looking to steer clear of the glare/wrath/shout/get-the-fuck-away-from-me-RIGHT-NOW-ANDY:

*Before I begin, from here on out, I will be referring to the Sports Fans as “Jimmy’s” and the Non-Sports Fans “Hitler’s” because I am Jimmy and, I don’t know, “Hitler’s” has a ring to it.

This Morning: The “Jimmy’s” will be BOUNCING into work. No coffee crash this morning because they’re going to keep drinking it until lunch. Can’t crash if you never stop, everyone knows this. The train to PURE-BLIND-JOY-VILLE has left the station and the Jimmy’s are hanging off the sides waving their newsboy caps in the air like they did in the old-timey movies. We’re going to paradise!

The-Train

Adrenaline through the roof because ALL of the “Jimmy’s” have convinced themselves that this is they year they win their NCAA pool. (I am SO in that mindset right now.) They’re settling in to their desks and smiling and shooting cool head nods at everyone, including the “Hitler’s”.

This is the part of the day where a Hitler may get caught in the middle of a few Jimmy’s talking about what upsets they have today. Hitler’s, this is the only time you will be able to make the “Sports!” joke without SEVERELY pissing off a Jimmy (saying “Sports!” in the middle of a sports convo is Hitler’s go-to “joke” even though it never actually makes people laugh. Next time, just say “I feel left out!” Same effect. It’s what I do when people talk about wrestling or books.)

The Jimmy’s will be listening to good-times music (think, “Valerie” by Steve Winwood on repeat) because they need positive vibes. Don’t even think about putting the office speakers on something like Bon Iver or The National because positive vibes and positivity and being optimistic and everything is going to be great! I FEEL GREAT! THIS IS GOING GREAT!!!! (I literally just said “I feel great!” outloud in my chair while listening to “Valerie”) Hitler’s, get it out now. You can’t touch the Jimmy’s at this moment. Roll your eyes, audibly sigh and say stuff like “Tom, is your powerpoint ready for the meeting?”

As we near tip, the Jimmy’s will be chair dancing, making explosion noises like “BOOOOSH” after every e-mail they fire off, smirking at fellow Jimmy’s around the office and, fuck it! LET’S DANCE GUYS! TODAY IS OUR DAY!!!! TODAY IS OUR FUCKING DAY!!!!

Lunchtime: The Jimmy’s are beginning to split into factions now. Some are winning, some are beginning to lose and crumble. The coffee crash is expedited with a lunchtime beer. Hitler’s, watch out for the Jimmy who orders the second lunchtime beer…they are entering a dark place and you don’t deserve any of the attitude they’re about to throw your way. “I don’t know, Bill. I said I’d get to it after lunch!” These types of minor outbursts are to be expected at the point. Not too mean, but they’re getting close. You did nothing wrong, okay? It’s not-HEY! It’s not your fault!

You will also notice that The Jimmy’s are beginning to turn on each other. Rivaling factions of Jimmy’s in the same vicinity is a recipe for dis–well, not disaster. More like, “I get it, your sleeper is up 13 at half”-type tiffs. No one is super pissy yet, but there are some Jimmy’s who are beginning to question if this really is their year. (Wait? But…this is my year, isn’t it? This can’t…this just can’t be.)

Post-lunch self-awareness for Jimmy’s will be at an all-time low. They will be mediocre, AT BEST, at their job and that is not okay (but like, it kinda is). I point this out because Hitler’s need to stand back now. Don’t go up to a Jimmy to see if they “returned that e-mail yet.” It’s not the time. Now is the time to for the Jimmy’s to be smashing the refresh button on ESPN.com’s NCAA scoreboard. Pretend you can’t hear their muted cheers or stifled curse words or audible “his foot was on the line!”‘s. Jimmy’s are not looking for conversation, they are talking to God.

Early Afternoon: The Jimmy’s will be rubbing their faces and blinking very hard at this point. If they’ve taken losses in the first batch of games, they’re giving themselves pep talks. If they’ve hit on some wins, they’re probably taking deep breaths while mouthing words like “calm down, just the start. Long way to go.” They’re a little more approachable at this point, but no sudden movements or brazen attempts at sarcasm. It’s a fragile time. If Wright State beats Tennessee, they’re back on track..but…STAYING POSITIVE! NO BUTS! WE’RE ONLY THINKING HAPPY THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW!

Hitler’s, if you REALLY need something done for work, now is the last time you can ask. Be gentle and kind with your requests. The Jimmy’s are beginning to feel a twinge of guilt for ignoring 3 hours worth of e-mails, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have good hearts. They’re ready to do some, SOME! work, but don’t get nuts or mad. A simple, “Hey Jimmy, if you have time, would you mind?” Done. Love the ask, and, guess what? Doing it right now! Sorry if I was a little short earlier. Then they’ll make an embarrassed smile, shake their heads and roll their eyes a little at how childish they’ve acted.

leo-decaprio-shoulder-shrug

This is when you, Hitler, give the confused, “Don’t even worry about it!”-look with a lazy airwave. You’ll jump straight to the top of a Jimmy’s “he/she is a good person” list with a move like that.

The second batch of games begins and their concentration will begin to wane back into the ESPN scoreboard. If they haven’t finished whatever they “need” to finish…it’s gonna have to wait. Mmmkay? It’s just gonna have to wait.

End of Day: The Hitler’s have probably had it by now. I get it, being surrounded by a group of people who are SUPER interested in something you have no idea about, must SUCK. I am not friendly in situations like this. Like, when I go to Farmer’s Markets in the summer and people are freaking out about $7 tomatoes, but all I can think about is how hot I am and how Mariano’s ALWAYS has tomatoes…that are ALWAYS cheaper. “Not getting it” stinks, and I want you Hitler’s to know, that I know, that it stinks.

You’ve had to put up with en entire day of adults wildly cheering for and against teenagers that they’ve never met. It’s a dynamic that’s easy to mock, but doing so is a total dick move. No matter how funny your “You didn’t even go to that school”-reminder may be, no one will laugh. You’ve had to swallow all of your go-to “sports don’t matter as much as the thing I like”-jokes and quips for an entire work day AND YOU’RE READY TO BLOW.

Therefore, this is the most dangerous time of day. The Hitler’s have HAD IT with the lack of productivity and barbarism of The Jimmy’s, and The Jimmy’s have lost a few games by now and are beginning to calculate how much money they have spent on failed brackets over the past 5 years. (Don’t! Guys! Guys! Don’t do that!) The exit from work must be careful for both parties. To avoid setting off this powder keg, here’s what I suggest for the walk out: Jimmy’s should identify themselves by tying their coat around their waist. (I do this on the reg because A) The VP of Ops HATES it and B) It’s makes sense sometimes). Hitler’s should identify themselves by, no matter the weather, wearing their fingerless gloves (come on, I know you have them.) Waist-coaters should not get in the same elevator as the fingerless-glovers, and Fingerless-glovers should not ask the Waist-coaters how their day was. This is the time of day where it’s just better to be safe than sorry. Avoid each other.

Tomorrow will be similar. Don’t fight it.

MY WORLD:

Today’s “My World” is short and sweet…CUZ STEVE WINWOOD JAMS!!! This is my year to win a bracket because I never have and The VP of Ops has and that is bananaland UNFAIR. I plan on dominating the television whenever I am home over the next 96 hours and not. apologizing. for. it.

VALERIEEEEEE! CALL ON ME! CALL ON ME, VALERIE! COME AND SEE ME! I’M THE SAME BOY I USED TO BE!

(one of my top 6 favorite things to do in life, is to sneak up behind the VP of Ops and whisper into her ear “I’m the same boy I used to be.”)

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

heirloom-tomatoes-on-sale-at-a-farmers-market-isaquah-washington-BNMKEC

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

Listen, I’m officially afraid of the JimmysChair gambling curse and today is not the day to test it. Therefore, I will simply wish you all luck. The next 4 days are going to be a grind, pack a lunch.

(My account currently at $67)

K bye.