MY WORLD:

While waiting for the estimate for my repairs in the work lounge of the Glenview, Chevy Dealership, I texted Fred, the guy who hit me.  Yesterday, I nicknamed this guy “Cryface McFlatBrim”, but I’m going to call him Fred today because A) “Cryface McFlatBrim” is kind of a lame joke that I’m not proud of, and B) His name is Fred.  (Wait, he’s going to call someone by their name? No snappy nickname?  WELL, WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN READING THIS?!?!)

While I didn’t delve too deep into it yesterday, Fred told me that he was driving his wife, Gail’s car to drop their daughter off at a nearby city college.  Gail, unlike fuckin’-ruining-my-morning-Fred, does have a license and car insurance.  I took down all of this info but, probably sensing that his wife would give him a harder pankin’ than any future fellow inmate, Fred insisted I contact him with repair costs so he could pay out of pocket and keep this all hidden from his wife.  Fred did not seem to understand that Gail may start asking questions once she saw the hood of her car looking like a boy scout tent.  According to my calculations, Fred is not a planner.

Now sitting in the work lounge, I texted Fred to see if he’d respond.  I didn’t trust my handwriting, so I wanted to confirm all of Gail’s car insurance info with him confirming some of her information.  But really, I wanted confirmation that I had just been taken advantage of by a bad driver with a good cry reflex.  No one would be mad at me for letting this dude go.  In fact, I’d tell the story full-well-knowing that I’d be portrayed as the real victim; a softie who got taken advantage of.  (Awwww, Jimmy’s so cute.)  Paying for the repairs out of my pocket would only enhance my victim-ness, creating even more sympathy for myself whenever I’d tell this story.  My cynical suspicions were confirmed.

Until he texted me back 8 minutes later.  (Well, he still won’t live up to his word.  Listen Fred, I’ve already written the end of this story in my head.)  He confirmed Gail’s car insurance information, but again insisted that I call him once I get the estimate so he can pay out of pocket.  He tells me “I work for GM I make a 1000$ a week I will pay u.”  (Shit, this guy makes more than me?)  I almost texted him back to just stop texting me now so I don’t get my hopes up that he’s going to follow through on his word.

Stevey Eyebrows, the manager of the body shop, comes to get me in the lounge.  (Wait, is Jimmy Nicknames back?!?! MOM!  JIMMY NICKNAMES IS BACK!)  Steve tells me that the oil change went well (do they sometimes not?).  He hands over a few sheets of paper and says “you may want to sit down when you go over the estimate” before pretending he was too busy to sit with me.  Hey Steve, ever heard of being a shoulder to cry on?  (Dear Steve’s Wife, you don’t have to live like this.)  

Alone and afraid, I read through the estimate.  Yomma momma. $1,100.  I took a picture of the estimate and texted it to Fred.  He responded “For tour bumber”.  Yes Fred, “for tour bumber”.  I reminded him that my car is leased and that they need to replace the bottom part of the “tour bumber” (it’s not mean to make fun of spelling because he has an iPhone and, therefore, HAD to have overridden autocorrect because he was POSITIVE that it was “bumber” and not “bumper”).  Then the texts went silent for a little bit.

I paid for my oil change and confirmed with Stevey “My Shoulder is not for your Tears” Eyebrows that my car was drivable.  It was.  I got in my car, eager to call my parents and friends to tell them how hard my life is.  (I’d end all the convos with something like “not that big of a deal” so they’d think I was extra tough.  Can’t knock this sturdy boy down! Oh, also…please help me.)  Then Fred called.

“You mean to tell me that your bumper is gonna cost me $1,100?  I’m going to need you to mail me that estimate” is how he started off the convo.  In my book, that’s known as “instigating”.  Sometimes when I’m put in situations that are about to require confrontation, I’ll channel my father; a 64 year-old hard-ass psycho who I’ll be afraid of forever.  So I did that.  Top of my lungs, not screaming, angry yelling that Fred is “fucking nuts if you think I’m trying to take you for a ride.  What? You think I forged an estimate sheet just to text you a picture of it?!”  I reminded him, in a not-so-gentle-way, that the reason I let him go was because he was crying hysterically.  His voice raised to say that he “barely hit me” and that “this just doesn’t sound right.”  As I took a deep inhale to unleash absolute-fuck-you-Fred-fury, I heard another voice on his end.

“Sir?”  It was a tough, older woman.  “My name is Gail.  I own the car that hit you.  Thank you for letting my husband go.  We are going to pay for your damages.  We just don’t have $1,100 in the bank.”  Shit.  Did they just pull a fliparooski?  Am I a bad guy now cuz I yelled at a poor, older woman?  (No Jimmy, all good guys in movies have that scene where they scream at homeless grandmas.  Moron.)  Maybe because she pulled off an immaculate fliparooski on me or just because she had a calming mom-voice (nothing better), but I liked this woman.  I apologized for getting so heated at her husband and explained what had happened earlier.  She thanked me for trusting that they’d follow through, and told me to go through her insurance.  “That’s what insurance is for” is exactly the kind of thing my mom would say, Gail must’ve known that.  I told her that I appreciated her (NOT FRED!) and that I only wanted to deal with her from there on out.  She gave me her phone number.

I went back into the body shop and went over how best to file the claim through her insurance.  (As an adult male, I’m aware that I should probably know how to do this, but I don’t.  I bet I know stuff you don’t know, so like…just chill.)  I needed her to file the claim before I did because that’s what Steve said and Steve knows.  So I texted my new pal Gail how she should go about doing this.  For entertainment purposes in this story (lawyers don’t read blogs, right?), maybe I said Gail was driving the car.  MAYBE IS NOT A DEFINITELY!  THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT! (“It is?” would be such a sick burn).  I sent the text and headed off to work.

Thing was, I didn’t really know Gail.  She told me what I wanted to hear, but I was still careening down poop-river without a paddle, and it had been 38 minutes without a response to my text.  “Oh, you think mom-voice is gonna get you off the hook? Check this out Gail!”  I shot over a kinda’ threat (was definitely a threat) saying “just so you know I have recorded our phone calls and saved our text message exchanges.  I will use them if I am forced to report this to the police.”  I’M A MAN! I AM STRONG!

My phone rang immediately.  Evidently, Gail didn’t want to respond to my initial text because she was driving.  She sternly told me not to threaten her.  “Don’t do that”-then hung up on me as I started to backtrack.  Well shit.  Always a bummer when the tough-guy routine backfires (wait, you actually DO want to go outside and fight? Uhhhh…just kidding! LOL!) 

A couple hours passed.  I did my job, figuring I’d file a claim with her insurance company a little later, that she’d then deny and…I’d just suck it up and pay the damages.  I wasn’t happy or mad.  I didn’t feel good for basically getting a guy out of jail.  It just felt like a reminder that everyone’s life is hard and, sometimes, you have to do selfish things in order to get by.  I understood Gail.  If I were in a little tougher financial position, would I bail on something like this if it were the other way around? Maybe.  I’d feel SUPER guilty, but…maybe.

Gail called me at 3:09 PM.  She told me that she had to retire due to a heart condition and that my threat-text had made her a nervous wreck.  (Threats are not chill!)  I apologized sincerely, and explained to her that I had put a lot of faith in a couple that lives in another state and that I’m not exactly made of money.  I told her that Fred was not my friend, and she started laughing.  “Oh, he’s keeping his distance from me.  He knows I’m pissed at his dumb ass.  I called you because I filed a claim with my insurance company saying everything you said happened.  I don’t care if he has to work a hundred extra shifts, he’s gonna pay me back for this.”  We laughed together cuz Fred really does suck!  We talked about how long Fred is going to have to be her personal servant for at least two weeks.  “Two weeks? More like two years!”  Gail rules, guys.  She didn’t know Fred took the car that morning and, supposedly, has told him multiple times to stop driving without a license.

I apologized again because I can’t believe I threatened an innocent older woman with a heart condition (writing that out made me feel worse.)  Gail reminded me that “this is what insurance is for” (swoon) and that her daughter, a nurse they were visiting, also leases her car.  I kinda but most definitely welled up.  After thanking her for dealing with me in an honest way, I told her to call me next time she was visiting the city so I could take her (NOT FRED!) out for a beer.  “Oh, honey, I will most definitely do that!” was the absolute perfect response.

I don’t know if I’ll get the money or if the insurance company will pull legal tricks or maybe Fred will convince Gail that getting out of this situation is worth a little short-term guilt.  But, I really like Gail.  I hope she comes back to Chicago sometime (BUT NOT FRED) and I get to buy her that beer.  Fuck cynicism.  Take a chance and maybe you’ll get to drink a beer with a new friend.  Offer stands forever, Gail.

OUR WORLD:

It’s Friday!

Honestly, it took me a very long time to write the ‘My World” section today and now I need to shower before I go to work (ooooo dirty boy!) 

HAPPY FRIYAY!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Yes, there’s an ad at the beginning of this video, but I am a new Khalid fan and feel V COOL about liking a young R&B guy.

 

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

The face your dog makes when you leave in the morning.

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE: 

I ACTUALLY WON 2 OF THE 3 BETS I PICKED YESTERDAY!!! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT BECAUSE IT DID NOT GO AS WELL.

Today?  Alabama, Kentucky and Xavier against the spread.

(My account currently at $0.00…i said i didn’t want to talk about it)

K bye.