All-Time Best Comedies and Fat Jimmy

OUR WORLD:

What happened to big, star-studded comedies that were there just to make you laugh and not ALSO have some sort of ending or gimmick that kinda’ made you wanna cry or jump in front of a big fast train? The Will Ferrell comedies. The Adam Sandler movies. The Chris Farley flicks. Hell, is Sacha Baron Cohen even alive anymore?

Yes, I know Sacha Baron Cohen is alive, but he’s doing the thing where he’s proving that he’s a more well-rounded thespian by doing some dramatic television series that I think one person in my life said was “alright.” COOL SACHA! Or Steve Carrell? What, you’re only allowed to do movies where you play anything OTHER than a funny person? WE GET IT, YOU’RE MORE THAN BRICK TAMBLIN! Sandler lost his nerve when he had kids so now all we get are dumbass Netflix movies for small humans with tiny brains or him proving his acting chops by playing some strung-out gambling addict? Don’t even get me started on Ben Stiller. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON Ben “I’ll Only Be In This Movie if it Involves A Failed Marriage and Me In Corduroy” Stiller.

Seth Rogan made a superhero movie and “my friend has cancer now”-movie. Jonah Hill is allergic to being anything other than artsy now, and Jim Carrey has become a full-time Trump troll (don’t hate that career move btw…) Todd Phillips went from making “The Hangover” to writing and directing “Joker”. It’s not like you see dramatic actors trying to prove that their comedic geniuses. Is Christian Bale about to shock all of us by starring in a buddy cop movie where he has a silly haircut and a lisp? DOUBTFUL! Did I miss the trailer for Denzel Washington’s new movie, “My Betchy Dad!”

Now, I don’t know if all of these actors had a secret “let’s not do comedy anymore”-meeting in the refrigerator section of a Home Depot, BUT it has been A WHILE since we’ve since a big, goofy comedy. Without googling, try to think of the last all-caps COMEDY that you saw. I’m not talking about dramedy either, so don’t give me “The Big Sick”—which, yes, was funny but…ultimately, set in a hospital dealing with super heavy issues that I, personally, am looking to escape when I choose to watch a comedy. (Side rant, does anyone ever have this thought when deciding to watch a comedy: “I’m really overwhelmed with coronavirus, and Trump, and all the civil unrest, and my job being completely different than it was 3 months ago so I’d like to watch a comedy. However! That I’d like that comedy to involve something heavy…yes! Like cancer! Cancer comedy, sign me up! Wait, is there a comedy involving a drug addict who may be on the verge of killing himself? TOUGH DECISIONS!)

Okay, you’ve had time to think now…it’s “Bridesmaids”, isn’t it? The last COMEDY movie whose main purpose was to make you…uh…BIG LAUGH, was “Bridesmaids”. And did you know when “Bridesmaids” came out? 9 FUCKING YEARS AGO!

So what happened to movies like “Ace Ventura”, “Old School”, “Billy Madison”, “Nutty Professor”, “Superbad”, “Knocked Up”? I’m genuinely curious why we have totally steered away from making movies like this. The first thought that pops into my head is that comedians got a little scared of offending a bunch of people and so they veered into genres that aren’t reliant on some form of shock value. I’m sure the superhero boom didn’t help movies like this. Maybe American society just had so much great comedy for so long that we unknowingly put out “can we get more murder content?” vibes into the creative world.

Whatever the reason, I fucking miss a big, dumb comedy movie. Last night, while The VP of Ops listened to her “Catty Girls Talking About Brutal Murders In Graphic Detail” podcast in the other room, and I debated diving back into “Ozark”, I felt compelled for some lighter fare. Who knows, maybe something that in this HISTORICALLY DARK TIME could…I don’t know…make me laugh? And after trying to find a new comedy that I hadn’t seen before, then maybe something that’s at least recent AND FINDING ZILCH, I settled on “Eastbound & Down”. (If Kenny Powers doesn’t make you laugh, I’ve got nothing for you. Nothing. Ever.)

After a few 26 minute episodes, I started thinking about my favorite comedies and then I went to sleep because I knew what I was going to write this morning was such an important topic that I needed to sleep on it, before I held it up for the world to see. (Cue the “Lion King” music where the baboon geezer or whoever holds up Simba to the animal kingdom crowd and then you hear “THE CIRCLE OF LIFE! AND IT MOOOOVES US ALL!”)

Human kingdom, here are the Top 5 COMEDIES* of All-Time:

*Remember, these are solely FUNNY movies that don’t involve cancer, or aids, or scenes with people who have scars on their wrists.

“Tommy Boy”

Big Scene That Kills: When Farley is in the office on one of his first “sales calls” and he asks the guy whose office it is if he can use his toy car for a demonstration about Callahan break pads. You can hear Farley’s voice in your head saying “Oh my god!” and “New guy puking in the corner!” and “Here comes the meat wagon!” The way that Farley does the siren sound in this scene is how I have made police siren sounds ever since.

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: When Farley first gets the job from his Dad at Callahan. His Dad shows him to his new office and the thing Farley freaks out about most is his mini fridge. “You can put 6-packs of bee—Soda in here!” Brian Dennehy cutting him off Farley listing everything he could put in the fridge with “Anything, you want to keep cold.”

“Superbad”

Big Scene That Kills: The part that my brain immediately goes to is when Jonah Hill tries to buy alcohol and starts fantasizing about potential scenarios. “Hope Piggy can ruuun,” is definitely something I said under my breath when around a security guard. Then the old lady in the fantasy saying “Enjoy fucking Jules!” and Jonah responding with a giddy, “I will!” And then finally with the security guard slitting Jonah’s throat with a broken bottle before we see him return to the parking lot empty handed.

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: In gym class soccer when Michael Cera is given shit for not really trying by a classmate, and he responds, “It’s soccer. It’s soccer.”

“Anchorman”

Big Scene That Kills: It has to be the scene where Ron is calling Veronica trying to get her to leave San Diego so he can go back to being the anchor. Ron posing as her doctor, Chim Ritchels: “And guess what? You got knocked up”…”You saw me, you don’t remember.”

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: When Paul Ruud is waiting on the Panda to give birth and he gets pissed and calls the Panda “Pandajerk!”

“The Wedding Singer”

Big Scene That Kills: It’s a minor role, but Steve Buscemi’s best man speech is one of my all-time favorite comedy scenes. “I’ve always been the screwed up one, right dad?” “Why can’t you be more like Harold? Harold would never beat up his landlord. Little newsflash pop, Harold ain’t so perfect.” “Best man! The Better Man! Before Hitting the drums and playing the guitar “Cuz I’m the best guitar player in the world! Self taught! No lessons, thanks Pop!” I have used the “Best man! The Better Man!” line so many times throughout my life that I know believe that is is mine. I own that line. Seriously, if you want to use that line you need to ask for permission from me.

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: When Sandler goes off-stage and his back-up singer comes in to sing “Do you really want to hurt me?” and we just hear a huge, burly voice from the back growl “YOUUUU SUUUUUCKK!!!!”

“Wedding Crashers”

Big Scene That Kills: The football scene has Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, AND Bradley Cooper firing on all cylinders. Cooper yelling at his friend for not anticipating the rush. Vince Vaughn writhing in pain on the ground saying he can’t breathe. Owen Wilson getting pissed that Vaughn is making them “look like a bunch of pussies”.

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: When Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn go quayle hunting and Wilson says, “I don’t even know what the fuck a quayle is!”

MY WORLD:

I have put on weight.

Didn’t we all agree when the quarantine went down that we were all dealing with enough stress and negative thoughts that we could eat or drink whatever we wanted? I feel fucking duped by everyone who made a “Quarantine Fifteen!” joke, and that’s a feeling that won’t be easy for me to get over. Because I make jokes that I really feel and am experiencing. I WAS inhaling cookie carbs like a Roomba after taking a gravity bong hit. I WAS drinking the way people eat on Thanksgiving, “A little of this, some of that, a dash of-“

And now I’m pulling my t-shirts when I put them on so they don’t hug my new love handles while out in public. (What a fun new routine!)

It’s just total and complete bullshit that being in shape before doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be in shape forever. (Remind everyone, Jimmy…now…DO IT!) I RAN A GODDAMN MARATHON!!! (LET ‘EM KNOW!) 26.2 MILES!!! (SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!) I’VE GOT THE FUCKIN MEDAL HANGING FROM MY OFFICE WALL FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO SEE IT!

And now, not even 7 years later, the only shorts that fit me are the ones made out of mesh? Does The Chicago Marathon have a manager I can speak to about this?

Anyway, now I’m doing a fucking dumb diet and running again and my whole body hurts and I swear to god, if this weight doesn’t come off QUICK, I’ll just commit to being a “big guy.” Until then, however, because I’m such a nice and honest person, I’ll keep you updated on my progress.

INITIAL “GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO DIET” WEIGHT: 202.6 lbs.

LAST WEIGH-IN: 200.8 lbs.

P.S.

Dear Bread,

I’ll never not love you.

Forever Yours,

Jimmy

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Getting out of your car that you parked away from everyone in the parking lot, getting almost to the front door of the grocery store, and realizing you left your mask on the dashboard. The new “wallet, phone, keys” pocket-check now must include checking for your mask.

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

K, bye.

“Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” Takeaways

OUR WORLD:

The VP and I saw “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” on Saturday night (date night omg sahhh kewt!) and it was the brand of good that makes you want to buy a movie pass so that you can go every weekend. Now, having had a full 24 hours to digest what I saw, I’d like to go over what stuck with me. If you have yet to see this movie (I almost wrote ‘picture’ instead of ‘movie’ there in an effort to sound smarter than I am…then my brain was like, “hey, but you’re dumb.” So I went with ‘movie’.) If you have yet to see this MOVIE, then I’d skip today’s “Our World”. There will be spoilers because I want to write about the ending. In lieu of calling this a “review,” I’m opting for the much snappier “things that stuck with me even after 24 hours from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”:

Brad Pitt is the coolest man to walk the face of the earth in my lifetime.

The first time Pitt walked on screen, the VP gasped, which was nice because it muffled my gasp. When I looked over at her, her eyes were drooling. (Crying?) No, not crying. Her eyes were panting, drooling, screaming “how is there a human alive who can look this good?!?!” She didn’t utter those exact words, but she didn’t need to, her eyes told the story. And I was with her. I, on the other hand, wanted to start crying while shaking my head and frightfully asking the universe “how? HOW GOD? HOW IS THERE SOMEONE THIS HOT AND COOL AT THE SAME TIME?!?!”

The hair. There needs to be a documentary about Brad Pitt’s hair because every time I see one of his movies, one of the first thoughts I have is “I want hair like that.” Then, I’ll probably try to style my shitty whispies like Pitt for the week following the movie, only to realize that…uh…I’m not Brad Pitt. His hair in “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” accomplishes this feat again (where’s the “make my hair look like Pitt’s”-product?) Somehow it’s blonde and long and full and, even though he’s in his mid-50s, the lack of gray doesn’t come off as fake. WHAT TYPE OF SORCERY IS AT WORK?!?!

I imagine Tarantino writing his character, Cliff Booth, and thinking “I need to write the coolest guy in any room he walks into…oh right, I’ll just think of Brad Pitt.” I’m not even 100% sure that Tarantino wrote Pitt’s character, or if Pitt just showed up and Quentin was like, “yeah, just be you.” What direction could Tarantino possibly have given Pitt in this movie? “Brad, in this scene, can you do that thing where you strut in a natural looking way and then give that smirk that lets the entire universe know that you’re the coolest person ever?”

In the scene where Pitt’s character tosses Bruce Lee into the car, if you didn’t start laughing while saying “fuck yes” then you need to go to a therapist and ask “why do I suck?”

In the scene where Pitt’s character parkour’s his way from the ground to the roof, did you think for a second that he probably, actually can do that? Maybe the reason I’m not into superhero movies is because Brad Pitt can make superhero things look natural?

In the scene where Pitt’s character tells “Squeaky” that a screen door isn’t going to stop him from seeing his old friend, did you try to think of a house with a screen door that you’ve been to? That you could return to, pissed off but projecting calm strength, to flick said screen door and tell the owner that “this isn’t going to stop me”? Yes, whoever you’re talking to will not understand what’s going on and, possibly, call the police, but just explain that you’re not trying to become Pitt’s character from “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.”

Remember when you were a kid and you’d see a superhero movie and then go home and dress like the superhero? This movie and this actor can give that same feeling to an adult. Now, where can I find some moccasin boot things and a Hawiian shirt that, somehow, someway makes me look tough?

Who’s the next super villain Tarantino’s going to avenge?

Lately, it seems that the Tarantino recipe is to go back, find the greatest villains of all-time, and create movies with endings that kill these villains in the most satisfying way imaginable. He kills Hitler in “Basterds”. He kills slave owners in “Django”. He kills the Manson family in “Hollywood”. It’s a fantastic formula, that I’m worried I’m catching onto. Like, will I instantly know what is going to happen in his next movie if it’s about another all-time villain? Whatever, still worth it.

This formula got The VP and I talking after the movie, though, about what super villain would be next for Tarantino to kill in the most satisfying way imaginable? Here’s what we came up with (and what I’ve come up with since because, honestly, The VP didn’t contribute all that much to this exercise…no offense, no offense!):

Osama Bin-Laden
ISIS
Mark David Chapman
Fidel Castro
Lee Harvey Oswald
Harvey Weinstein…wouldn’t THAT be something?!?!
Kim Jong Un

And, shit, I just remembered that The VP actually DID contribute to this exercise. In fact, she came up with the BEST one: Yoko Ono.

Is Leo the last great classic-Hollywood star?

There’s something to that Hollywood guy who has gotten too big to ever return to television, who when you see on screen you don’t think of as human, but “star”. It’s that indescribable quality that we’ve seen in Denzel Washington, Jack Nicholson, and, most recently, Leonardo DiCaprio. Whatever movie they’re in you know is going to be fantastic because THEY are in it.

Quick, try this little exercise: think of Leonardo DiCaprio and then ask yourself to write the first word down that you thought of while thinking about him. It’s “Star” isn’t it? (Actually, it’s not Jimmy, so…fuck your premise and fuck you.) It’s not that he’s the best looking person of all-time (we’ve gone over this, it’s Pitt) but it’s crackling charisma paired with an unmistakable knack to draw every eyeball in every room…ever. That was Nicholson. That was Denzel. That is Leo now.

But, who’s the next star of stars? Again, The VP and I discussed:

She said that Timothee Chalamet guy from the gay bike movie with THE PEACH and I almost drove into wall.
I said Ryan Gosling and we both groaned like “yeah, I guess..like, if we HAVE to…” then we both scrunched our faces and shook our heads at exactly the same time because WE’RE SOULMATES!!!
Miles Teller kinda’ has a chance. I guess?
Jennifer Lawrence
Michael B. Jordan but no because you can never be THE star of stars if you’re never going to be the most famous person with your name.

And the answer that we finally landed on is…that there’s no one. Now, every star is television or internet based and so it’s over. That’s it. Pack it in.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When you eat like an absolute horse after working out because you’ve “earned it,” but then you go so far overboard that you start wondering whether working out is the reason you’re gaining weight.

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

THIS STAND-IN FOR GAMBLING SECTION:

Still working on it. Actually, I’m going to be honest, I haven’t been working on it and then I got here and was like “shit.” So…yeah.

K, bye.

Movie Trailer Reviews (Pt. 2) & I May Have to Retire from Sports (8/17/18)

OUR WORLD:

I get panic sweats from not being in my movie theater seat 5 minutes before showtime. Getting The VP anywhere on time is a struggle I fully realize will plague me the rest of my life, but getting to the movie theater and airport with plenty of time to spare is something I will never be rational about. We will be at the airport two hours before our flight. We will be at the movie theater 20 minutes before showtime. In the words of every U.S. Government Official in every action movie with terrorists: “this is not a negotiation.” Unfortunately, forceful military analogies don’t work as well as ones involving fried food when it comes to connecting with The VP of “I’m Almost Done With My Make-Up”. Along those lines, here is what I plan to tell her the next time I’m about to sweat through my shirt at the thought of missing the trailers.

Jimmy: “Can we go ye-”

VP: “I’ll be done in two minutes thank you very much.”

Jimmy: “This theater has mozzarella sticks.”

That’ll work. She may chuckle and act like that’s not going to work, but the make-up brush will go down and there will be newfound urgency to her movements. Mind you, I won’t look into whether the theater does or does not, in fact, have mozzarella sticks, but I can deal with that meltdown once we’re in the building. Yes, we’re going to see a movie, but passing up trailers is like…how can I put this in a way that The VP would understand: Trailers are mozzarella sticks; meant to be a tasty treat before the main course, but so overwhelmingly delicious that they ALWAYS overshadow the entree. Are you passing on free mozza sticks? I didn’t think so. Let’s get into Part 2…

“First Man”:

Ryan Gosling has officially entered the “if he’s in it, I’m probably going to want to go see it” tier of movie stardom. Obviously, we’re going to be interested because space movies are sweet, but seeing Ryan Gosling and…WAIT, IS THAT COACH TAYLOR?!?! DID HE TRADE IN HIS FOOTBALL COACHIN’ WHISTLE FOR AN ASTRONAUT COACHIN’…WHISTLE?!?! YOU BET YOUR FUCKIN’ ASS HE DID!

If you’re not already in on a movie featuring space, Gosdaddy, and Coach CoolDad, may I interest you in a scary sounding soundtrack? The music in the background of this trailer makes me look out of the sides of my eyes before walking slowly to the window with an inquisitive expression on my face. I may whisper something like “what in the…” before turning back to the camera before CUT!

WHAT DID I SEE IN THE WINDOW?!?! Space, guys. I saw’d space stuffs.

I do understand hesitation in buying a ticket to see a movie where you already know the ending; we land on the moon and are all like “suck it Russia!” That’s a valid argument against this movie, and the same one I use when explaining why I don’t go to Bond movies: we know he’s never gonna die. HOWEVA! The movie “Patriots Day” changed my mind on historically-based movies: there is drama involved in the details of missions we only saw the final results of. “Patriots Day” is about the Boston Marathon bombers. Yes, I knew the good guys got the bad guys, but I did NOT know what it took and it was ABSOLUTELY fascinating to see that. “First Man” is about landing on the moon. Yes, I know Neil Armstrong makes it, but I did NOT know that a certain former Texas high school football coach with a smile that could melt an iceberg was the one pulling the strings backstage. Clear eyes, full space-shuttle-gas-tank, can’t lose.

JIMMYSCHAIR FACE REVIEW:

GOOD

“Widows”:

Pairing the writer of “Gone Girl” with the Viola Davis cry-face is a deadly combination, but I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t leery of an action movie led by a 53 year-old woman who appears to be in just decent shape. Is that fair? Yes, Tom Cruise is older than Viola Davis in Mission Impossible, but he’s cut from stone and is the best movie runner of all time. Have you ever seen Viola sprint down a dock with a boat burning in the background? Me neither. I know Viola Davis from being a mayor in an action movie I can’t remember and for delivering all-time cheesy lines in promos for “How To Get Away With Murder”.

I did, however, start to buy in once I saw that Michelle Rodriguez was part of the “let’s kill the guys who killed our husbands”-crew. Alright, if we have Viola Davis delivering dramatic lines with no facial expressions and Michelle Rodriguez doing Michelle Rodriguez things, you have my attention. Rodriguez has “don’t fuck with me” written all over her face and is in the kind of shape where I’d be nervous about pissing her off in a dark alley. Okay, starting to buy in, starting to buy in…then, hey! There’s another one in the crew with a shaved head and arms bigger than Bruce Willis’ in “Die Hard”! Now we’re cooking with gas!

As the tense music nears the crescendo and I start remembering how much I love Colin Farrell in everything he has been in, I begin to slowly turn my head towards The VP to give her the “let’s see this”-look when…Oh, Viola no….PLEASE!…DON’T SAY IT!

Viola: “No one thinks we have the balls to pull this off.”

She did it. I can’t believe it except I totally can because I am now convinced that Viola Davis has a clause in every contract that reads “Viola will give at least 18 dead-eye stares into the camera, and must be the one to deliver the most cringe-worthy dramatic line in the movie.” I get that women are leading action movies now and I support that, but if there’s going to be a wink-like line that the female lead has to say in every one of these movies COUNT. ME. OUT.

JIMMYSCHAIR FACE REVIEW:

BAD

“Little Stranger”:

-Somehow, in the midst of our trailer binge, The VP of Ops stole the remote when I wasn’t looking and went straight for the British-y looking trailer. British accents and big old houses are catnip for the VP, AND SHE’S NOT EVEN A CAT, GUYS! SHE’S A WOMAN! Meanwhile, I take British accents and fancy clothes and big old houses as an affront to my Chicago sensibilities. So yes, I did spend most of this trailer giving the VP my unmistakable “you got a lotta fuckin’ nerve”-stare.

I didn’t intend to turn this trailer review into an examination into my marriage, but the fact that she picked this one is the type of selfish move that MUST BE CALLED OUT. The VP’s thought process had to have gone something like this: “Jimmy hates scary movies, and british accents, and big old houses, but mayb—Oh wait! It ALSO has no one either of us have ever heard of in it?” So then there must have been only one thing she could have said to herself, “FUCK JIMMY!” There’s no way around it, this was a stone-cold “Fuck Jimmy”-decision.

In the trailers picked thus far, have you seen anything along the lines of a documentary about Greg Norman’s 1996 collapse at The Masters? Or, wait, remember that trailer I reviewed about the 2001 NBA Draft where the Bulls took Tyson Chandler AND traded up for Eddy Curry and I was convinced that the Bulls were about to start a new dynasty? No, you haven’t heard of either of those trailers because a) they don’t exist and b) even if they did, I have enough COMMON DECENCY to not force my less-decent-than-me wife to sit through them. It would be like your allergist diagnosing you with a peanut allergy while eating a delicious Dark Chocolate and Peanut Butter Kind Bar. I don’t mean to exaggerate too much, but…it’s the way a serial killer thinks, right? Guys? I’m right. The serial killer is like “hmmm, I really enjoy murdering people, but I know this woman won’t enjoy being murdered so…ahhh, fuck her!” Tell me how that’s different than what The VP did here. I’ll wait. (Pssst, it’s not different.)

As far as “Little Stranger” goes; who sees these movies? Ooooooh a bunch of rich brits with weird facial hair are tormented by bells in their house that are ringing when they shouldn’t be. Here’s an idea guys, buy a new house without bells!

JIMMYSCHAIR FACE REVIEW:

BAD

MY WORLD:

An update on my dead ankle? Sure, thanks for asking. It still hurts, but the brace the doctor gave me has gotten me some sympathy and gotten me out of some tasks around the house, so that’s nice. Honestly, what this injury really signals is that I’m never not going to be terrified to play any sport again for the rest of my life.

The few times I’ve played basketball over the last 5 years, I was constantly thinking about tearing my ACL because two of my friends did it. “Hey guys, can I just be the guy who makes all the inbound passes? That’s a position, right? Inbound passing guy?” But now, after destroying my ankle by WALKING, there’s no way I’m going to be able to enjoy playing any sport ever again without thinking about some catastrophic leg injury. (Catastrophic? You turned your ankle Jimmy. Fuckin’ relax.) BUT WHAT IF I CAN’T RELAX?!?! WHAT IF I NEVER RECOVER?!?!

I remember when I was in my 20s and I would hear people in their 30s talk about how old they were and how their bodies changed and blah blah fuckin’ blah. They were all drama queens who didn’t know how to work out properly. And then this shitty thing happened where I turned 33, rolled my ankle in a goddamn pothole and now I’m POSITIVE I’m never going to be able to run without my ankle exploding again. Did I have to contemplate this new reality after being invited to play soccer by a group of teenagers by my apartment last evening? No, they didn’t invite me and…well, they don’t even exist, but I have created this situation in my brain. And if this situation ever does present itself, I will be compelled to tell these teens to relish the years between 13 and 19 before dramatically lifting my right pant leg to reveal my never-to-be-whole-again 33 year-old ankle.

“And that’s why I can’t play soccer with you guys. Ever.”-I’ll say as I embellish a limp back towards my dumpy apartment building.

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

GUYS! GUYS!! HEY GUYS!!!! THE NEW DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE ALBUM IS OUT!!!! I’ve had it on in the background as I wrote this, this morning, but haven’t focused on it yet. No matter, I’m sure it’s earth-shatteringly delicious. Here’s a sure-to-be hot hot track of the new album that I found a live version of!

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When your dog hangs her head off the side of the couch in an undoubtable effort to make you feel guilty for not providing a yard for her to frolic and play in like all the dogs got to in the movies she saw as a puppy. Hey Belle, who’s stopping you from getting a job and contributing?

JIMMY GAMBLES:

I’m back at $0 in my account after only betting parlays for the last week. Confidence is at an all-time low. Not joking when I say that I cannot remember the last time I won a bet. I could look it up because it’s probably been about 3 weeks, but that’s a warning….THAT I’M DUE TO GO ON A REAL HEATER!!!!

(My Bovada account is currently at $0)

K bye.

Stripper Prank and “Isle of Dogs” Review (4/11/18)

MY WORLD:

Last week, I put this picture up on Instagram of an all-male Australian stripper group (we’re dancers, Jimmy! We dance!) named “Thunder from Down Under”.

Thunder-300x210

At first blush, this seems like your typical Australian stripper group promo photo (you know, just like all the rest that we all see in our normal everyday lives…guys?…hello?) However, upon closer examination (I’m not blushing! Stop! Omg guys! Stop!), one of these no-doubt WILDLY TALENTED ENTERTAINERS, the second one from the right to be exact, bears a striking resemblance to…

ME! THAT DUDE’S FACE LOOKS LIKE ME! I understand you not picking this up at first glance on account of his rather scrawny arms and the lack of photogenic charisma that I exude in every photo…but, the face DEF kinda’ looks like me. (Nobody make a joke about how my jawline is nowhere near as chiseled as his…I’M WORKING ON IT!)

Why am I choosing to talk about this now? I’m glad you asked; these pictures were sent to me early on in my relationship with The VP of Ops and are the focal point of today’s edition of “A Time I Made Myself Laugh By Making The VP of Ops Mad or Uncomfortable”. Let’s take a trip back to the fall of 2013.

The VP of Ops and I were about 4 months into THE GREATEST LOVE SHE WILL EVER KNOW! Actually, she had just recently accepted the fact that we were dating and I was her “boyfriend” after 3.5 months of getting mad at me anytime I referred to our “relationship” (This is real btw…for like 3+ months she refused to admit that we were in a relationship. Stressful? THAT’S GONNA BE A YES, DAWG!) Anyway, it was a Friday night and I was chillin’ wit’ my main bros (cool guy talk) at the apartment we shared. The VP was at a friend of hers and I was definitely not secretly worried that she was hanging out with work-friend Mike because I was ALWAYS secure in our relationship. Did I LOVE that work-friend Mike wore a gold chain and talked about all the women he had been with? Look, I’m not here to talk about the past (fuck work-friend Mike…)

So there I am, hanging with my good friend Angry Dave (because he gets angry and it’s kinda funny but kinda serious at the same time!) and definitely not stewing about The VP and work-friend Mike. Probably after our third beer of the early evening (cool guy stuff cont.) I got a text OUT OF THE BLUE from an old friend-girl. Her name is something like Meghan or CouldNeverGetOverJimmyAndHisInfectiousPersonality, I can’t remember; but she texted me a picture…THE picture. She was in the Las Vegas airport and noticed a picture of hot guys so, naturally, she gave it a closer look. Upon said inspection, she noticed that one of the strapping Aussies looked like me and HAD to text me about it.

I showed Angry Dave the texts and after a few laughs and chest bumps and jamo shots (cool. guy. stuff. overload.) Angry Dave came up with a FANTASTIC idea. “You should send picture to The VP and just not say anything!” [EXPLOSION SOUNDS] However, because hanging out with guy friends means that you always need to one-up the last one’s joke, I decided to go a little further…and try to convince The VP that the picture was part of my dark past that I had yet to have to courage to fully explain to her. Like giddy little giddy-babies, Angry Dave and I huddled around my cellular telephone device.

God, I wish I saved the following texts, but the first one I sent to The VP that night, was along the lines of “Hey…Can we talk? Something has been eating away at me…” It took her like 4 minutes to respond, probably because she LOVED playing text games, but she finally shot back:

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, there’s just something I’ve been embarrassed about telling you for a while.”

[after her customary 4 minute wait] “What is it?”

“It’s really not THAT bad, but please don’t laugh…” And then I sent the picture. First, of the whole group, and then of the close-up of AussieJimmy.

“No way.”

“It was when I was in L.A. and I only did it for a little while, but…yeah. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I was embarrassed and I didn’t know how to bring it up. Just had to get it out.”

(WAIT)

“I’m so sorry.”

“Really…I’m so sorry. I really care about you and don’t want this to get in the way.”

And with that, I effectively ruined The VP’s Friday night. At this point, Angry Dave and I were howling laughing; like, the kind of laughing where we were running in place while re-reading the text exchange over and over and over again. The VP had gone dark. She was at her girlfriend’s place and, years later, she told me that her girlfriend was telling her that she had to break up with me. Evidently, dating a fake-Australian stripper was something that The VP’s reputation couldn’t withstand. The VP says she wasn’t crying, but was kinda’ close and very confused. She’ll tell you now that she thought it was “probably a joke,” but you don’t go dark on texts the way she did that night if you think it’s a prank.

I imagine she got the texts, started laughing and then showed her girlfriend. Once her girlfriend saw, and my subsequent “I’m so sorry” texts came through, she probably tried to force more laughter, but her friend noticed The VP’s eyes were welling up with tears. Her friend probably said something like “Oh, sweetie, it’s okay.” The VP then shook her head and wiped away her tears while saying “it’s so stupid, I don’t even know why I’m crying! I’m sure he’s joking. I’m sure he’s joking.” Then, she got the next couple “I’m so sorry texts” and probably started discussing realistic next steps with her friend. I’m POSITIVE she said “You’re right. I have to break up with him” during her text-blackout.

Now, I’m not going to lie (because I’m honest to my good good friends) there were times during this 45-minute text-blackout that I almost sent a “jk lol omg” text. We were an established relationship at this point, but she did possess about 97% of the power in this relationship, so this was a risky move. Angry Dave was a calming influence; telling me to “stay the course” every time he saw me get quiet and slowly raise my phone into proper text-message position. “Not yet!”-he would say. I adhered because it WAS funny and…he was bigger than me and I didn’t want him to get Angry (quick sidenote: Angry Dave now dates Mean Allie. It’s the most perfectly terrifying combination in the history of couples…and Mean Allie is gonna be SO MAD about her nickname that guess what kind of text I’ll get from her later today? A mean one.)

At about minute 46 of this standoff, I called The VP. She let it ring like 7 times because that’s what the moment called for, and then answered with a scared “Hey…” I told her that I was joking. Angry Dave was kinda’ annoyed that I didn’t let it last until the morning, but not full-on Angry, so I was safe. The VP laughed it off like she was never worried, but she was…oh, she most definitely was. Then she hung up and went back to hanging out with her girlfriend. And I went back to hanging out with Angry Dave, but only thinking about how work-friend Mike may be meeting up with The VP later WITH HIS STUPID FUCKING GOLD CHAIN AND GELLED-UP HAIR.

OUR WORLD:

Last night, The VP and I saw “Isle of Dogs”. We had wanted to see “A Quiet Place”, but it was sold out. Was I secretly relieved that “A Quiet Place” was sold-out because it looks scary and I don’t like scary movies? You better believe it buddy! Plus, “Isle of Dogs” had an awesome trailer and I liked the last Wes Anderson movie about the hipsters in the hotel. (Googling the actual name of the Hipster Hotel movie…) “The Grand Budapest Hotel”.

“Isle of Dogs” was the definition of cute, but nothing more. The animation visuals were interesting, but movies are all about story (film-school grad talk) and this story did not have enough surprises to hold my interest. The easiest test for whether you actually enjoy a movie is to go see one on a Tuesday night at 8PM. If you find yourself getting excited about going home to get to bed at any point during the movie, it’s not a great flick. About 40 minutes in to “Isle of Dogs” I was marinating in extended yawns and trying to remember where I left my sleep sweatpants.

It wasn’t bad, but you spend half the movie in your head trying to figure out what celeb is the voice of what dog. The laughs in the movie were never full-blown guttural laughs, but more soft chuckles. And, the twists were pretty expected and underwhelming. I know it was animated, but I figured that Wes Anderson wouldn’t make me feel like I was watching a kids movie (I’M A MAN!) Unfortunately, I kinda’ felt like I was watching a kids movie with a bunch of adults who settled on this movie only after finding out that “A Quiet Place” was sold out.

Best part of the experience? The trailer for this summer’s Mr. Roger’s documentary “Won’t You Be My Neighbor”. Loved this show as a kid and thought about how much better of a person I should be when watching this trailer. Can’t wait!

Worst part of the experience? The overwhelming fake butter smell coming from The VP’s DRENCHED bag of popcorn.

Best part of the movie? Ed Norton voicing a nerdy dog. How has he not been in a live-action fantastic movie lately? GET ON IT, HOLLYWOOD!

Worst part of the movie? A second act that dragged on about 12 minutes too long. Yawn-o-rama.

My official review? I’m going to give it 6.5 out of 10 Chairs. (If somebody knows how to insert chair graphics and wants to do it for me, let me know!)

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I may have posted this before, but I don’t care. I can’t remember the last time I was more excited for a documentary. GIVE ME JUNE NOW!

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Sarah Huckabee Sanders and her “I’m never not annoyed with everything and everyone”-face. Ugh.

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

I’m still basking in the glow of my big Masters win. I’m guessing I’ll get back into the gambling ring tomorrow night when I have a work event at a bar in front of TVs. Starting to think NBA playoffs and…am I the only one who things Milwaukee could upset the Sixers in round one? The Sixers are becoming the classic overhyped underdog team that will lose early.

(My account currently at $256.83)

K bye.