I’m doing my best to hold out for the many many MANY readers who are waiting on baited breath for my takes on reality television, but I have to come clean: I’m about to bail on this season of “The Bachelorette”. Why? (Solid question, thanks for asking) Because Becca stinks. Excuse me, Becca doesn’t stink, she STINKS LIKE DIRTY RAT PIG! “The Bachelorette” is meant to have a somewhat likable, pretty lady make a bunch of douchey guys look silly while we kinda’ root for her to find the one normal-ish dude in the bunch (it’s like a game of pin the tail on the non-douche!) This whole equation goes right down the crapper when we’re forced to watch an overdramatic Ice Queen play the victim 24/7/365. With the popularity of this blog soaring to new heights EVERY. GODDAMN. SECOND. I’m thinking that this reaches Becca, herself. Therefore, Becca, I’m going to write directly to you.
What’s the deal with the sparkle dresses? The VP of Ops said last night that you “dress like a dickhead” and, being a fashion icon myself (Jimmy Fashion, ever heard of him?), I must say that I agree. You dress like a dickhead. Nobody wears sparkles as often as you do. After a while, it’s like “we get that we’re supposed to look at you, you’re THE bachelorette on ‘The Bachelorette!” Insecure much? (Girrrrrrrlllllll!!!!) And, trust me, I’ve done my best to defend you and your “look at me” sparkles to the VP, but when you turn around and wear some ridiculous crop top on the next group date it amounts to a slap in my face. Aren’t you 30? Do you know what it’s like to defend your dumb sparkles for an entire solo date and then have The VP give me the “told ya'” eyes when in THE NEXT SCENE you’re wearing a t-shirt that’s too small for a baby? BABY’S WEAR LONGER SHIRTS THAN YOU! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you best believe Imma write a blog about how I’m FINISHED with you. BELIE ‘DAT! (We get it Jimmy, we’re reading the blog.)
Now let’s get into last night’s episode. There was no part of you that thought “you know, Chris really went all in on that stupid Danke Scheoen performance, I’m going to make sure I talk to him!” Nope. After performing a Wayne Newton cover in front of Waxy Wayne HIMSELF, national television cameras, and a crowd of strangers ALL FOR YOU, you still thought to yourself “I’m only going to believe Chris likes me if he seeks me out later during the group date!” THAT’S LOONEY TOONS!!! If I buy one roll of paper towels for our apartment and The VP doesn’t give me a sincere “thank you so much,” I’m holding a grudge for the rest of the night. And Becca, we have a happy marriage! But nope, you saw a sliver of an opportunity to make yourself into the victim again and BOOM, you took it! When Chris tucked his balls away later and offered that “apology” I almost threw up. He should’ve told you that he was Team Arie and gone back to the Wayne Newton show to see about scooping up the one groupie under the age of 72.
Speaking of Arie, how long are we supposed to feel bad for you? Forever? It’s not like you were in a 7 year relationship that ended on the altar in front of a nationwide audience. You “fell” for an obvious tool who you went on like 4 dates with in a 6 week span. He gave you a ring and then said “nah, never mind I like the blonde more” a couple weeks later. Was it nice of him? Of course not, but he also didn’t tie an anchor to your foot and invite you to go scuba diving. I’ve had rougher break-ups with toothbrushes (but I don’t wanna spend $7 at CVS!!!) Yet, every chance you get, you toss out the “remember, I’m the forever victim”-eyes. You will get no more sympathy from me, you ordered up a big plate of Arie. When The VP orders sushi on a hungover Sunday, I don’t feel bad for her. Just like I tell The VP, “It’s your decision, but we all know it’s going to end horribly.”
Finally Becca, lets talk about Lincoln. We’re getting into the heart of this season and you just picked him over a dude who built the Venmo app. Seriously? You think some mumble-mouth muppet, who cried about a wet picture frame, is more husband material than a guy who LITERALLY built the app that gives you money? Every psychiatrist in the universe who watched that just diagnosed you as a certified IDIOT. I’m sure you have a therapist, so here’s a spoiler for your next session: they’ve labeled you a “lost cause” and are going to drop you as a patient. If this is a ploy to get on Dr. Drew’s new show “Celebrity Idiots,” then congratulations, you just locked up a spot on the inaugural season.
I tried defending you, Becca. But, between the sparkles and the crop tops and the Lincoln stuff and the death glares, I have officially decided that I am out on you. While I doubt I will watch ALL of the rest of the season, I am now rooting for an epic finale. In my dream scenario, you pick someone, Colton probably, and he gets down on a knee. With your heart about to explode with happiness, Colton opens a ring-sized box and says…SIIIIIKKKKKEEE!!!! Then, Arie’s new wife, Lauren, runs out and slaps you in the face right before making out with Colton right in front of you as Arie laughs in the background. Either that, or you pick Garrett without realizing he’s the head of the KKK’s Minnesota chapter.
MY WORLD:
I’m stressed.
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I’ve always thought I should like Weezer than I should, but I really do LOVE this cover. I can’t tell if they’re trying to be funny or if this is a cheesy song, but it gets the coveted Jimmyschair “Stamp of Like”!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
This whole Pete Davidson/Ariana Grande relationship is making everyone uncomfortable. Can you guys just stop?
I’M TAKING A MINI-BREAK FROM GAMBLING THAT MAY LAST AS LONG AS 4 DAYS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ON A DREADFUL LOSING STREAK AND BETTING ON BASEBALL AND SOCCER IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF. GIVE ME FOOTBALL NOW.
Since sitting alone in bars is part of my job (professional Sad?) I’ve developed proven methods to give off “no, it’s okay, I’m not a sad person”-vibes. It’s tricky, really, toeing the line between self-assured, creepy and sad while sitting alone at a bar, but when done properly, can make you feel like one of the cool movie guys who make you want to get into cigarettes again. (Then you’ll probably go overboard and try rolling the pack in your short sleeve like James Dean until you catch your profile in a mirror and realize that your jawline is NOT chiseled.) I’m planning for “The Rules of Being Alone At A Bar” to be recurring posts. Let’s try these out first:
NEVER SIT DIRECTLY NEXT TO SOMEONE WHEN THERE ARE OTHER SPOTS OPEN: What’s worse than sitting at a bar with a bunch of open seats, and some chode picks the seat right next to you? Everyone knows that there should be one seat in between each party at the bar and if I owned a bar, I would actually mandate this by allowing my customers to place sharp metal spikes on the seats flanking their party at the bar. Would there be some bloody butts? If it keeps the creeps fromma’ creepin’, then it’s well worth it. Girls, wouldn’t you be much more likely to go to the Spikey Seat bar than risk having Hairy Jerry and his double vodkas sitting next to you and your friends on a Friday night?
If you are reading this and thinking “I like to sit next to strangers at the bar because I’m open to meeting new people!” just stop fibbing yourself. The whole “meeting new people”-catchphrase was started by some hippy who wrote a book or something that confused affability with harassment. What, you can’t talk to someone if your love-handle isn’t resting on their thigh? (Side note: ever look at people seating at the bar from behind? NOBODY looks good. It’s like a row of ziplock bags stuffed full of melting gelato with heads on top. Oh, and the heads? Most have bald spots.)
MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE BARTENDER WITHOUT A FULL-BLOWN CONVERSATION: Not every bartender is an amateur psychiatrist thrilled to diagnose all the problems you’re dumping on their doorstep. Remember especially if they’re over the age of 35, they’re doing a job that requires an explanation of “what went wrong” every time they speak to their grandfather. When I bartended, I did not whistle while I worked. Instead, I felt trapped between sads and their unprescribed medicines; I got to play the unlicensed doctor setting my patients up for a blip of relief before waking up with a stinging headache. (I just don’t understand why Jimmy wasn’t a good bartender?!?!) I was cordial with the alone-people at the bar, but I was overly cautious with them due to the fear of getting caught by a talkative one. Ever wonder why the bartender acts super busy in a slow bar? He’s probably trying to avoid getting cornered by an alone-person sitting at his bar. It must be a BILLION-TRILLION-GAJILLION times worse for female bartenders. Give ’em all purple hearts and lifetime passes to every panic room ever constructed.
As an alone-person at the bar, simply play hard to get with the bartender. You want to make friends with him because maybe he’ll give you a free drink and most bartenders have cool stories. So order your bev, thank him or her without really looking at them, and go back to watching the television. Play it cool, guys. Keep an eye on what’s going on around the bar and, after a while, you’ll pick up on some of the politics surrounding your seat. Maybe you’ll see a pouty server or a bitchy customer or an angry boss. Once you spot this, wait for the bartender to come near you and flip a “I’m with you, brother”-comment the bartender’s way. For instance, lets say you see a customer send back a drink more than once. When the bartender nears you, say something like “they seem like fun.” BOOM, you’re on the bartender’s side. All most bartenders want to do is complain about their job, so once you open that possibility for them, they’re puddy in your hand. And guess what? Alone-you has just made friends with the most popular person in the place. Congratulations.
DON’T TALK TO THE TELEVISIONS: You’re not fooling anyone. The entire bar knows that your running commentary on the muted news program is a signal: YOU’RE DYING FOR SOMEONE TO REACT TO YOU! I’m not talking about the meatballs who yell at their teams during important sports games (how else would the players know they were fucking up?) No, I’m talking about the nights at the bar where there aren’t sports on, but they left the TVs on, like, the news. There’s no sound, but a picture of Trump will come on the screen and the alone-guy DYING FOR A REACTION will blurt out something like “You believe this guy?” First off, no, I can’t fucking believe that guy. But more importantly, I don’t want to be goaded into a political conversation with the alone-guy stranger at the bar. Nobody does EXCEPT for maybe some of the other alone-guys at the bar. This creates an absolute nightmare scenario where alone-guys are shouting conversation to each other from across the bar. If you find yourself in one of these shouted convos, stop it right now. You don’t want to be one of these people for even ONE SECOND of your life.
Now what if you hear one of these alone-people barking at the TV, but you didn’t know that was the situation? You turned to your left and, all of a sudden, you’re making direct eye-contact with said alone-person right as they’re reaching the climax of their political monologue. “Shit, alone-guy is gonna take this as a sign I want to engage in this” is what every sane person immediately thinks. And guess what? Alone-guy DOES take that eye-contact as a sign that you’re in. As you see television talker alone-guy misread your accidental eye-contact, he’ll shift slightly towards you covered in “let’s have a chat”-body language. Before he completely turns in his chair, you need to get up and go to the bathroom. That’s your only way out; straight bail move. Act like you really need to go and you turning that way was just part of your exit-move. Hop off your barstool and do a trot-waddle to the bathroom to really drive home the point. We don’t want to make the alone-guys sad, but it’s every man and woman for themselves whenever the television talker starts acting up.
MY WORLD:
I’m in the midst of a sock crisis, and I’m close to just throwing in the towel. The VP and I have gotten caught WAY behind with our laundry, so we’ve been employing the “lets rummage through the over-stuffed dryer every morning for our outfit”-plan of attack. Unfortunately, the fruits of these dryer searches are limited to shirts only. At this point, finding matching socks is about as likely as The VP becoming an ultra-marathoner (I think I’ve seen her run once…in an Ikea parking lot when she thought for a second she was gonna get hit by a car.) Now, a normal, responsible adult would gather all the hamper socks and devote however long it takes to match socks. Lest you forget, I am special and have chosen an alternative solution: embracing mismatched socks as “my new look”. I, Jimmyschair, hereby announce that I am no longer a sheep in the matched sock flock. Remember, fortune favors the bold.
For those of you who thought Jimmy Fashion was dead: catch me on my yacht.
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Dave Matthews Band came out with a new album and I think this is my favorite song on it. I THINK!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Rainy Fridays in the summer.
WRITING ABOUT GAMBLING ON THE NBA FINALS IS BORING ME SO I’M GOING TO TAKE A BREAK FROM IT FOR A LITTLE BIT. PLEASE DON’T CRY LIKE “BACHELORETTE” LINCOLN ABOUT THIS.
But real quick, I’m putting the balance of my Bovada account on the Warriors tonight.
Can we cool it with the crying, guys? Last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette” was embarrassing for men everywhere. EVERYWHERE. From Lincoln crying about his picture with Becca being tossed into the pool, to that Southern NOBODY making an ALL-TIME cry-face after he got booted, last night may go down in history as the night millennial’s ruined manhood in America. This episode, though, was about one thing and one thing only: Lincoln taking the crown of “Biggest Wuss in America”
I’m all for a sensitive moment, here or there, but how come every goddamn moment in this show has to be the guy proving to Becca that he’s capable of embarrassing his grandfather? Let’s try to go through this as best as I can remember, because I am NOT going to rematch that atrocity to make sure I get the sequencing right (I HAVE WORN A TIE 4 TIMES IN THE PAST YEAR FOR CHRISSAKE!!!)
The Lincoln Crying Part
First off, Linocln’s accent really does sound like he’s a community theater actor trying WAY too hard. Now when the episode started and you saw guys acting excited about “being pampered” by getting to put on tuxedos, we all should’ve known that this was the start of something epically embarrassing. What guy gets his rocks off by drinking champagne and trying on tuxedos? That’s a fun date for a guy? Guess I’m more of a loose cargo shorts and chicken fingers kinda’ guy (SWOON ALERT! Also, I don’t really wear cargo shorts anymore, but I miss the times when I did.) Here’s an idea: let’s drink something that no man ACTUALLY likes while wearing clothes that make you feel like your entire body is choking. WAIT, DO WE GET TO DRINK CHAMPAGNE IN TUXEDOS?!?! AND THESE DUDES WERE ACTING LIKE IT WAS CHRISTMAS MORNING. Once I saw this, I turned to the VP with a “something is afoot”-look. She knew too.
Following this misplaced excitement, Chris Harrison and the GENIUS producers threw a twist in: obstacle course time. Guess what, Champagne Papi’s? TIME TO GET MESSY! YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO CRAWL THROUGH MUD! They should’ve made the obstacle course ACTUALLY difficult and had them run up to a family member who fought in a war and then have to explain how much they enjoyed the champagne and fashion show. “Hey Grandpa Bill, remember that time you told me about you hunting Nazis in the middle of the night when you were 19? Well, I don’t mean to show you up, but I’m 26 and just cried because I got to try on a tuxedo.” COOL!
Lincoln “won” this obstacle course because he cheated. Two questions: 1) What in the LIVING FUCK was Chris Harrison doing? Was he too busy preparing to remind all the guys that one rose left on the table means that “this is the final rose” to, I don’t know, POINT OUT BLATANT CHEATING? This should’ve been Chris “The Captain of I-Have-Done-Nothing-Meaningful-With-My-Life Mountain” Harrison’s shining moment as he swooped in with a hand in Lincoln’s cheating-ass chest to push him back to the ice tub. But no. Yet again, Chris Harrison’s inactivity reminds us that he’s television’s most useless human being. The person who refill’s Hoda Kotb’s backstage wine during “The Today Show” contributes more to the success of that show than Chris Harrison does to this.
SECOND QUESTION: None of the guys throw a John McEnroe type fit about this cheating? They just take it like the losers they are. This was the perfect set up for a star-making comedy turn if one of these guys would’ve lost their mind. Maybe they get kicked off the show, but at least they’re known as the funny guy who stands up for FAIRNESS! If it were me, I would’ve taken my shirt off, lit it on fire and whipped it around my head while screaming “WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY BASED ON RULES!!!!”
Later that night, Lincoln and his mood ring of an accent got all emotional when Becca gave him a picture of him with her after the obstacle course “victory.” Him pretending that this was meaningful almost caused me to punch myself IN THE FUCKING FACE. “Oh, a picture from earlier today…sweeeeeet….” Nope, this dumbass picture was enough for Lincoln to declare this as “the best first date” of his life. OUCH, BRO. VERY OUCH. How do you think the “second best first date” of Lincoln’s life went? The girl kick him in the nuts and staple a “I have no real friends” sign to his forehead? (“Yes, that girl did fire a staple into my forehead, but my Aunt bought me this ice cream cone so, all in all, it was a pretty good night.”-Lincoln re: the second best first date of his life, as blood pours from his forehead onto his vanilla ice cream.)
The episode really kicked into overdrive, though, once Fitness Coach Connor (I said I’m not a trainer!) tossed the framed photo of Lincoln and Becca into the pool. I actually respected the move at the time. This group of dudes was WAY overdue for a meathead moment, and this was kinda’ close to that. I was in. But then Lincoln tattled to Becca which eventually led to Connor giving a HEARTFELT APOLOGY. WHAT?!?!?!!? Once Connor found out that Lincoln ran to Becca to cry about that dumb picture taking a dive, he should’ve gone to the nearest gun store to buy a sawed-off JUST so he could put it to Lincoln’s head. “Now Lincoln, you’re gonna be a good boy and go back to Becca to tell her that you dropped the picture in the pool and that your good friend Connor dove in to pick it up for you.” I’ve decided that firearms need to be introduced to this season of “The Bachelorette”.
Instead, though, Connor forced up some “that’s not me”-type apology re: the picture in the pool. If you weren’t yelling “oh give me a fucking break!” at your television by this point, we may be different species. Not only that, but that apology WASN’T ENOUGH FOR BECCA. She still had to throw the “I just need some time” at Connor. Some time for what? To remember that grown man Lincoln ran to you like a teacher at recess? Hey Becca, is that the kind of guy you want to BE THE FATHER TO YOUR CHILDREN?!?!?!
Lincoln wasn’t done, though. Nope. No way. The next morning, while recounting this picture in the pool situation, he started crying in front of a group of guys that weren’t there. This was the most unbelievable crying situation I’ve ever seen. UN. BE. LIEV. ABLE. A 26 year-old man who is built like a friggin’ adonis just cried in front of a group of guys about a picture of him with a girl he had spoken MAYBE 4 sentences to in his entire life. You know the Starbucks barista you’ve seen a few times? Now imagine being surrounded by a bunch of strangers, all guys, and crying about a picture of you and that Starbucks barista that was tossed into a pool. “She always put just the right amount of foam on top of my latte!” During this whole scene, I was DYING for one of these guys to go into straight-bully mode: point at Lincoln, laugh like any movie villain EVER, and try to stuff him in a closet somewhere in that big, dumb house. If you showed a video of this scene during an Anti-Bully rally, you’d see the entire crowd shrug like “are we sure we don’t want ANY bullies?”
If you still think that guys with muscles can’t be ALL-TIME-WIMPS, I would like to introduce you to Bachelorette Lincoln, “The Biggest Wuss in America”.
A QUICK JIMMYSCHAIR SUGGESTION IN LIEU OF A “MY WORLD”:
The pilot episode for “Succession” on HBO was one of the best pilot episodes I have seen in a while. Terrific acting plus solid writing equals ME LIKEY. If you’re looking for a new show to get into, “Succession” has “You’re going to talk to your friends about this”-written all over it. Supposedly, other reviews said the episode was “boring.” Too bad those other reviews are stupid and should be IMMEDIATELY redacted because that is PATENTLY WRONG. It’s funny and smart, and if you don’t think Brian Cox is the best “angry old-guy” actor going, you need to get your head out of the sand, pal!
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I like this remix because I’m YOUNG!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Supposedly, this guy saw this kid messing with a bunch of cars in the parking lot, and tried to put a stop to it. Aside from hating this kid, the reason I hate this video is that there wasn’t some other kid to act like a hero by jumping in with a tire iron to WHOMP this little brat. If we’re being totally honest, I would’ve been fine if this adult threw this kid into an active volcano, but I don’t think I can totally advocate for that in a public forum such as this. If, however, someone the same age as this kid, showed up with a home-run swing and a rusty tire iron, we’d all be happy, right?
WRITING ABOUT GAMBLING ON THE NBA FINALS IS BORING ME SO I’M GOING TO TAKE A BREAK FROM IT FOR A LITTLE BIT. PLEASE DON’T CRY LIKE “BACHELORETTE” LINCOLN ABOUT THIS.
Who’s ready for part 2 of Jimmy’s “Rapid Fire Judgement Zone”?!?! I AM FEELING VERY JUDGY THIS MORN!!!!
Jason “Sr. Corporate Banker” (New York): A banker who uses a TON of gel in his hair is a little too on the nose, right? This is the kind of guy that only drinks vodka sodas at the bar while gently touching his hair to make sure it’s not out of place. NOPE.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He stays a little longer than you’d think because he starts to blend into the background and Becca forgets that he’s there. Then, one night when Becca is having an especially hard time figuring out who to send packing, Chris Harrison reminds her that Jason is still there. Relieved, Becca sprints to the rose ceremony and tosses Jason out like a surly umpire throwing a high school brat out of a playoff game. YOUUUUU’REEEEE OUTTTTTAA HEEEEEERRRRRREEEEE!
Jean Blanc “Colognoisseur” (Florida): You know me by now, right? Take a wild guess how I feel about a guy who collects expensive colognes, talks about “accouterments”, and wears a MONSTER bow tie…Here’s a somewhat controversial take: he’s the least likable person on the show so far. Hear me out! We’ll get to the male model later, but this guy seems VERY GENUINE about being a “colognoisseur”. Like, I don’t think ABC producers have told him to ramp it up. If anything, I imagine the producers were like “jesus, this dude is REALLY into spray bottles full of smells.” I don’t have any cologne-guys for friends. Maybe some of them wear it, but I have never had a friend talk to me about their cologne. If they did, I would immediately label them “cologne guy” and loudly ask them in public places “What scent did you go with today, Terry?!?!” Villains are into cologne, not heroes.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Becca gets rid of this guy in like 3 episodes. She has to catch on to his ever-changing scents, right? That’s a red flag, y’all.
Joe “Grocery Store Owner” (Illinois): I want to like this guy more than I did (spoiler alert: he gone) The VP was ALL IN on this dude, and I kinda’ get it. He was endearing when he choked during his first interaction with Becca, but he’s a grocery store owner who looks 15 years older than he is. A Chicago guy with a non-flashy job seemed right up my alley, but then he just…got…a little….too into talking about watermelons. Hey guy, “I sell watermelons” isn’t an awesome pick-up line. You think Becca couldn’t wait to call her family later that night to tell them “I think I’m falling for the watermelon salesman!” Quit fibbing yourself, bro.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He was booted, but The VP still loves him. This means that for the next 3 months, any guy in Chicago that kinda looks like this guy, she will instantly think it IS this guy and probably call me to brag about being in the same CVS as “that grocery store guy from Bachelorette.” She won’t even remember his name. SAD!
John “Software Engineer” (California): This guy dropped a HAMMER of a line when he said “I build the Venmo app.” Becca should’ve married this guy that second. I like this guy. He’s normal with a WILDLY impressive job relies on his brain and not him being a slimeball. I don’t know a TON of engineers, but they’re all the same: side part, boring fashion, even-tempered, smart, stable, and, eventually, will make a BUTTLOAD OF SWEEEEEEEET CAAAASSSSSHHHHHH. Will this dude make you laugh everyday? Probably not. But he also will never cheat on you or get heated in a fight about how to speak to a Comcast customer service representative (Literally told me to “be nicer” to this person while I was on the phone. I almost jumped out the window. SHE TOOK COMCAST’S SIDE!!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!!)
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Becca will toss this guy soon (maybe already did? Can’t remember) because he’s not SEXY. Hey Becca, congrats on being an IDIOT. While you’re taking care of baby #7 and Garrett is out fishing, John will be yacht shopping with his new Victoria Secret model wife.
Jordan “Male Model” (Florida): First, of course he’s from Florida. Second, my opinion on this dude has evolved since watching the episode live. This is obviously a put-on, and I’m kind of thinking it’s funny now. This is the guy producers saw being a little too into himself and said “yeah that, but TIMES A THOUSAND if you wanna be on tv.” This guy really wants to be on TV, so he’s jumping into the Omarosa-deep-end of the villain pool. Unfortunately for him, I just don’t think he’s a good enough actor to convincingly pull off the villain role. He’s no Chad. If he was SO cocky and full of himself, he would’ve had the stones to talk to Becca one-on-one that first night. He didn’t and you could see he was nervous. When those guys were giving him shit for not talking to her, his face had “I’m not this guy I’m portraying” written all over it. Once you accept that, his whole persona goes from being super annoying, to actually pretty funny.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He stays around through mid-season because the producers have a lot invested in him being the villain. I hope he keeps trying SUPER hard to be a dick, but then wimps out at the end. If anything, he is showing every casting director in the universe that he cannot act. Can’t wait to see this guy on page 26 of an LL Bean catalog in 8 years.
Kamil “Social Media Participant” (New York): This was the 60-40 guy! WHAT A FLOP OF AN OPENING LINE! Did he think the way to Becca’s heart was by BULLYING HER into walking towards him? Becca’s best moment of the first ep was when she refused to go past halfway. “Social Media Participant”? So….he’s on Facebook? How great would it be if this dude’s resume just listed all of his social media accounts? PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’s heckled with “60-40” jokes for the rest of his life. Eventually, he’ll change his name, shave his head and move to the mountains to get away from all the derision. But guess what, Kamil…they have TVs in the mountains too.
Leo “Stuntman” (California): My favorite guy on the show. He’s legitimately funny and I think he owns how his hair is kind of ridiculous. I’m sure he’s a real weird dude, but he’s the most interesting guy on this show. Can we please hear stories about all of his “stunts”? He did fuck up, though, when he didn’t do some crazy awesome stunt when his limo pulled in. How could he not have crashed the car or jumped a tree in a motorcycle or jumped off the roof to meet her?
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He better stay around long enough to impress the whole cast with some WILD stunt. There was a shot of an ambulance in the season trailer, and you better believe I’m hoping it has to do with a stunt this guy tries to pull, that goes VERY BADLY.
Lincoln “Account Sales Executive” (California): Is this the classic bait-and-switch? I thought this dude was pretty nice, but the trailers for the rest of the season imply that he becomes THE bad guy. CAN WE TRUST NOTHING?!?! The VP likes his accent a lot and I did say “God Damn!” when they showed him doing some ab workout that looked impossible.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: His whole “scandal” is not going to be nearly as exciting as the season-long trailer made it look. Is he this season’s Crystal? Highly doubtful. UNLESS, the scandal is about his accent! What if he just changes it from episode to episode? One episode it’s Jamaican, the next it’s a thick southern accent. Yeah, that’s gonna be the “scandal” of the season.
Nick “Attorney” (Florida): The VP really really likes this guy and I find that somewhat upsetting. This guy? I mean, he’s decent looking but doesn’t he just look like if the bad guy in “The Karate Kid” got a law degree? And this picture? A QZ with no undershirt is a WILDLY COCKY move. I’d imagine this guy telling you that he wants to bang your sister and then not comprehending why that makes you FURIOUS.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He tells Becca that he’s into some really weird bedroom stuff and The VP, trying to save face, has to try to pretend that zipper mask stuff is normal.
These guys don’t matter and I will not waste my time on their SORRY ASSES!
FINAL PREDICTION: Colton is going to win and there will be a social media movement defending virgins everywhere. I will feel like a bully for making fun of his virginity and, due to overwhelming public pressure, will be forced to resign my post as “Judgey Blog Writer Who People Don’t Really Pay Attention To”. It’s been gun, guys. Who woulda’ thought Jimmyschair would be taken down by a virgin?
MY WORLD:
Tomorrow morning I have to set up a booth at a college music festival. Northwestern University has an end-of-the-year music fest every year, and the company I work for is a big sponsor for it. It’s my job to make sure our booth looks good and we’re ready to roll. This means, however, that I’m going to be surrounded by college kids wearing tank tops and cool hats. How am I supposed to act? I’m really not sure. Being 32, I don’t feel like college was THAT long ago but…like, it was. In an effort to feel young, do I try to befriend some of these kids? What’ll probably happen is I’ll try too hard to come off like the cool-guy and will fail miserably. Here’s what I’m thinking I can talk to these kids about tomorrow:
-Drake vs. Pusha T: I’ll say something like “Drake shouldn’t have messed with Pusha!” (I don’t like Drake and don’t know Pusha T)
-Music: I’ll say something like “I’ve been listening to a lot of Chance lately!” (I haven’t. I think Chance is overrated.)
-Politics: I’ll say something like “Just legalize it already!” (Honestly, I hope they don’t legalize weed. It’ll just mean I’ll have to deal with more peer pressure to smoke it and I’m VERY VERY SCARED OF THE WEED!)
-Sports: I’ll say something like “LeBron is amazing, but Jordan was–” (and then I’ll catch myself realizing that these 20 year old kids never saw Jordan play. Me saying that I did would immediately out me as “the old guy”. DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE LEBRON MORE?!?! DOUBLEFUCKKKKKKKKK)
-Weather: I’ll say something like “Dude, sweatpants play no matter the temperature.” (As my legs sweat profusely in my thick 14 year old University of Cincinnati Jordan Brand sweatpants)
-Pop Culture: I’ll say something like “me too” to myself when I see a guy looking awkward off to the side. A girl will overhear this and think I’m making fun of the movement…and I will bring SHAME UPON THE COMPANY I AM REPRESENTING. (Jk lol omg I’m legitimately nervous about writing about the “me too” movement in a lighter way…k byeee.)
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
WHOA! MY NEW CRUSH WITH MY FAVORITE BAND?!?!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When you call Comcast because your cable isn’t working and your wife snaps at you to “be nice!” once you start to get JUST THE TEENIEST BIT aggressive with their customer service rep. If you’ve ever dealt with Comcast, you know that you HAVE to get aggressive to get what you want. Telling someone mid-aggro to “be nice!” is a quick way to get your head chopped off. (This has developed into a real fight between The VP and I and I WILL NOT BACK DOWN!)
GAMBLING IS MAYBE MY FAVORITE THING TO TALK ABOUT BUT I THINK IT’S KINDA’ BORING TO WRITE ABOUT MOST OF THE TIME SO I’M GOING TO KEEP THESE SHORT:
I bet the Cavs moneyline last night. Can you all please just look up at the sky and think about how sorry for me you are? Thank you. And to JR Smith, I would like you to know that you let me and my future children down; because of your actions, they will have less bitcoin stock to help them get through college. Hope our kids are cool with community college! As for the rest of the series, I’m seeing a Warriors sweep now. The Cavs looked like they lost they were eliminated from the universe in their postgame press conferences last night.
Yesterday’s blog was a little on the heavy side (oh my god, are you saying I’m fat?!) so today I decided to write about…CANCER AGAIN! Wait, no, I mean “The Bachelorette” season premiere. (Did he just joke about the Big C? NOT COOL BRO!) Yeah, let’s get a little light and loose and silly today, huh? LET’S GET BACK TO BEIN’ A BUNCHA GOOFS! (I think this blog sucks now…time to go back to scrolling Instagram and not getting caught by my boss.)
The VP and I were a little behind so we watched (initiating Chris Harrison fake excited voice…) THE SEASON PREMIERE OF “THE BACHELORETTE” on Tuesday night. Now that I’ve had a day to digest what was a relatively underwhelming opening episode, I am here for all my sweet baby readers (I’M NOT A BABY!) with initial, but definitely right-on-the-money, takes and predictions for ALL of the guys. Before I do that, however, (get ready for a lot of pictures!) let’s start with the bachelorette herself…
*REAL QUICK, I DO NOT LOOK UP SPOILERS AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THEM.
Becca HerLastNameDoesntMatter:
She’s fine. (HOT TAKE JIMMY IS IN THE BUILDING Y’ALL!!!) There’s just nothing all that interesting about her. She got dumped by Arie, has a hand tattoo and is somehow from a family in Minnesota that is OBSCENELY less attractive than she is. Her sisters and Mother, like no offense, look ROUGH and you know they’ve got to want to blurt out “You know, Becca never looked like this before Hollywood got ahold of her.” I don’t remember how old that sister with the frizzy hair is, but if that’s an older sister, their relationship is about to go down the tubes and into the sewer because that older uggo CANNOT be seen in the same room as Becca EVER. AGAIN.
Becca has also, somehow, made “Let’s do the damn thing!” as her catchphrase. I have two thoughts on this: 1) If anyone I was around ever said “lets do the damn thing!” I would most definitely not do that damn thing because people that say that are LAME. 2) If you replaced “damn” with “fuckin”, I would immediately think that Becca was WAY cool and would probably develop a lil’ baby crush on her. Imagine if after she met the first guy out of a limo, she slapped him on the ass and yelled “Let’s do the fuckin’ thing!” How awesome would she come off? Nope, she stuck with ‘damn’ and outed herself as a LAME. Also…real quick, real quick, how much can you root for a girl who was “head over heels” in love with that Professional Douche, Arie? If I found out that The VP of Ops had been dumped by someone along those lines, let’s say Russell Brand, I would’ve judged her HARSHLY and probably gone back to living my CRAZY AWESOME SINGLE FUN-TIMES-ALWAYS!!!!LIFE (PARTY TIME USA 4EVA!)
With a certified “Meh” girl to go after, this show NEEDS some high-quality television characters in the guy pile. Let’s see if we have any…I like to call this Jimmy’s “Rapid Fire Judgment Zone” aka “NOT PLANET FITNESS!” (If Planet Fitness sees this, I’m worried they’ll revoke my membership and I’ll be forced back into a gym with…like, nice facilities and less nerd B.O.)
Alex “Construction Manager” (Georgia): The VP likes this guy because he’s southern and was wearing a pink shirt. He was only in the background the whole show so he’ll be gone in NO TIME.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Kicked off in the next 2 shows and you’ll never think of him again in your entire life.
Blake “Sales Rep” (Colorado): Bro, cool it with the smiling! This guy is good looking but I’m getting a real creepy vibe from him because he NEVER STOPS SMILING! I get it, all Colorado people are happy all the time cuz like “hang loose on the gnar pow!” but doesn’t your face hurt after holding a smile for 9 straight hours?! Also, a “Sales Rep” who never stops smiling has HE’S TRICKING YOU written all over him.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy will stick around for a while because he’ll talk about outdoor stuff with Becca. She won’t pick him, but I’ll say he’ll make it to the final 8.
Chase “Advertising VP” (Florida): Weird hair. Weirder collar. GET OUT!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He was already kicked off. He’ll go back to Florida and, for the next 4 months, will open every conversation with “Do you watch ‘The Bachelorette'”?
Chris “Sales Trainer” (Florida): First off, way too many Florida guys this year. That’s never a good sign. This dude is SLIME CITY and if you don’t see that you are one blind bitch. He trains people how to lie. He’s a Master Liar. (Wait…I work in sales too…but like it’s way different…completely different….)
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: We’ll all get to a point with him where we’ll be like “okay, this dude is full of shit, time to get rid of him!” Then Becca will annoy us by keeping him around for 2 more episodes.
Christian “Banker” (California): Was this guy kicked off yet? I think so. If not, he will be. He’s short and not in Superman shape, which in “Bachelorette”-terms is a “GONER!”
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy knew he was gone the second he was picked for the show. He should’ve just gotten bombed in the house tried to steal something.
Christian “Former Harlem Globetrotter” (California): This dude literally dunked on Becca and it was AWESOME. He’s in my top 3 favorite guys so far. Can they just have a part of every episode where he dunks on someone who’s not expecting it? Like, out of nowhere, a hoop shows up and he’s posterizing one of the other guys.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: At some point, being a FORMER Harlem Globetrotter is going to catch up with him. He’ll stick for like 3-4 more episodes and we’ll all be kinda’ sad when he leaves.
Clay “Football Player” (Illinois): I know I’m supposed to love this guy cuz I love football and I’m from Illinois. But…uhhhhhh….he’s a doof. Professional athletes needing to go on a dating show is a major red flag.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This is like the wrestler guy from the last “Bachelorette” who talked about his daughter way too much: he’s nice and he’ll stick around for a while, until Becca starts getting creeped out because he’s a little too nice. Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys who take it to the moon finish last because they have no personality aside from “just trying to make you happy.” BLUGH.
Colton “Former Pro Football Player” (Colorado): I’m going to be as honest with you all as I can be; I liked Colton until I found out he was a virgin. Is that wrong? He’s 26 and was in the NFL and said something like “it’s not about a religious thing, it’s about finding the right woman.” Jeez dude, relax and get laid FOR ONCE!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy will be in the final 3 and I’ll feel guilty all season for kinda not liking a guy who gets Cystic Fibrosis Vests for kids just because he’s a virgin. THANK YOU COLTON!
Connor “Fitness Coach” (Florida): What the fuck is a “fitness coach”? A trainer? If he came up with that job title himself, RESPECK. Fitness coach sounds way cooler than trainer. This guy has good hair, but is it too high? IT’S PRETTY HIGH, GUYS!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’ll hang until like final 8ish, then Becca will be like “yeah, his hair is too high.”
Darius “Pharmaceutical Sales Rep” (California): This guy is another one who had to have known he was gone once he took a look at the other dudes there. If you’re not stupid handsome OR funny, you’re in the deadzone. HE GOT DEAD.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He immediately regrets having been on this show when a Doctor makes fun of him for “being on that show my wife watches.”
David “Venture Capitalist” (Colorado): This is the guy in the chicken suit. I know we’re supposed to think of him as “the funny guy” because he wore a chicken suit, but it wasn’t funny. If he would’ve just clucked the whole show and refused to actually speak like a human, that would’ve been funny. Instead, he just wore a chicken suit and didn’t do anything funny. Also, he’s 25 and a “venture capitalist”? Does that just mean he’s a rich kid looking for something to invest in? Not in on this dude.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’s gone in the next 3 episodes. Once Becca is off-camera and realizes that she was just giving him courtesy laughs in the first episode, he’s doomed.
Garrett “Medical Sales Rep” (Nevada): Okay, I realize that I’m hating on most of these guys pretty hard and…it will continue with this guy. Don’t you hate people that LOVE telling you how they’re “all about living in the moment”? They can’t wait to talk about how FUN they are! That’s Garrett. Guess what, if you’re living in the moment you wouldn’t be telling people that you’re “living in the moment”…YOU’D JUST BE LIVING. Did that get too meta? Also, much like Chicken Guy above, Garret was trying WAY too hard to be funny. What’s funny about driving up in a van? He has soccer balls and a baby seat in the back because…he wants that one day…THAT’S WEIRD! Think of all of the guy friends you’ve EVER HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. Now, would any of those guys do something like that? No, because you’ve never been friends with a certified weird WEIRDO. He won the first impression rose which I thought was strange until I remembered that Becca is the same girl who was in love with Arie.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’ll make it to the Final 3 because Becca won’t want to admit how wrong she was. As the season goes on, his fake smiles and fake laughs will begin to grate on you.
Grant “Electrician” (California): I like this guy because he’s not OVERLY good looking and he’s an electrician. That’s a real man job and if Becca knows what’s good for her she’ll let him her check her outlets (all the electricians reading this LOVE that joke.)
OFFICAL PREDICTION: He didn’t get much screen time in the first episode so that probably means he’s gone in the next 2 weeks. If I were him, I’d cut the power to the house when no one is looking and then act like a hero when I was the only one able to get the power back. Real “look at me, I’m a blue collar hero”-move that he should DEFINITELY utilize.
Jake “Marketing Consultant” (Minnesota): This is the guy Becca kinda knew from home. She sent him packing because he didn’t make a move on her when they hung out or something? It was weird/vague reasoning from her, so I was starting to feel bad for this guy. Then, when the camera showed his face he looked like he was about to cry and I was out on him. You can’t cry in the first episode; everyone knows this.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Gonna be hard for this guy to overcome the “Cry Guy” label for the next few months. If I saw him in a bar, I would be very tempted to go up to him and ask if he was okay, then run back to my friends laughing like a REAL BULLY.
*Okay, wow, there are a lot of dudes here. I’ve gone through half. I’ll get through the next half next blog.
MY WORLD:
I wrote a lot about personal things yesterday, so today’s will be a little shorter (is it about cancer again? Dear God, please say no!) I gave Belle a shower last night because our apartment doesn’t have a bath (stand-up shower people!) AND IT WAS DIFFICULT.
Since I feel uncomfortable being naked around my dog, I did it wearing gym shorts and once we were done I had ZERO idea how to try her off. I really think it’s impossible to dry a hairy dog all the way off if you live in a smallish apartment. We went through like 3 towels and I shot my hair dryer at her for at least 18 minutes and she was still sopping wet. There needs to be a dog robe invention or…like some sort of bubble-boy contraption that I could wrap Belle in until she’s fully dry.
That’s it. That’s my million-dollar idea. “Bubble-Dog”: An inflatable suit to put your dog in when they’re out of the shower. You know that game where people get in those huge inflatable balls and roll down a hill or run into each other? It’s like that, but it closes around your dog’s entire body. GODDAMNIT, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN JIMMY!
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I am V into the new CHVRCHES album. Also, I have developed a very very very serious crush on the lead singer. It’s serious guys, so like, please don’t show her my blog from yesterday. Here’s my fave song off the album AND you get to hear my sweet love crush talk a little with the audience first.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Getting a new driver license and totally botching the photo so you look like a psycho on your official ID for the next few years.
GAMBLING IS MAYBE MY FAVORITE THING TO TALK ABOUT BUT I THINK IT’S KINDA’ BORING TO WRITE ABOUT MOST OF THE TIME SO I’M GOING TO KEEP THESE SHORT:
I went on a tear. Took $200 out of my account and put it into Bitcoin. I honestly think I will someday get rich off of this. Now, to the picks. LeBron killed me in that Game 7. I bet against him even though EVERYONE told me not to. Now, I’m scared to bet against him. The Warriors are giving 13 points and I think they should blow them out, but the Warriors have been sleepwalking through these playoffs. I’m thinking the Cavs keep it somewhat close tonight, so lets roll with them.
Are you a procrastinator? ME TOO! Sometimes I’ll go on like 3 week spurts where I’ll be super productive and “ahead of the curve” and then…oh, I don’t know, The VP and I will start “Game of Thrones” AND PUSH EVERYTHING ELSE TO THE SIDE. All of a sudden, it’s Mid-May and both my drivers license (“license” is a hard word to spell FYI. I’ve never gotten it right on the first try) and my city sticker expire in June. Which means, folks, that I’ve basically missed the deadline to renew both of these by mail and now I need to go to the DMV in-person. WAY TO GO, ME! WAY TO ADD AN ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE CHORE TO YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PLAN AHEAD! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU JIMMY “THE ASSHOLE IDIOT” POMERANTZ; GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE!!!
The most messed up part of this whole situation is that I remember getting a reminder about renewing my city sticker a few months back, looking at it and saying to myself “I’m probably gonna forget to do this until the last second and, therefore, force myself to go to the DMV in person.” Seriously, I remember it like it was yesterday. The only thing is, it was funny then, and it’s NOT FUNNY now. When I was a boy in schooling (I don’t know why, but saying “when I was a boy in schooling” with a British accent is making me laugh V hard) I remember all of the sleek justifications for procrastination. The schooling I’m talking about, mind you, was when I was in grad school for screenwriting (I’M LIVING MY DREAM!). A bunch of my classmates and I would read stories of famous writers who would talk about how “all writers are procrastinators” that our framed procrastination as being almost necessary to become a successful writer. Guess what, guys? That was total bullshit. All writers aren’t procrastinators. All writers get nervous when they don’t have anything to write about and then they distract themselves from facing the blank white screens because it white = failure. DROPPIN’ TROOF BOMBS Y’ALL!
I, however, am a legitimate, red-blooded American procrastinator, and here are the things I constantly find myself addressing either at the last minute or…after the last minute…Is this an attempt to take the sting out of my failures by finding fellow procrastinators? YOU BETCHA!
Buying toilet paper before I run out
I thought I’d get better at this after college…then after living with 3 dudes…then after getting married…and I’m still terrible at it. If I was in a job interview tomorrow and they asked “what are some of your weaknesses?” I would be forced to tell them about how often the paper towel roll ends up in my bathroom. It’s sad how I’ve perfected the art of tearing apart the plies of paper towel so as not to clog the toilet with a too-absorbent tissue. Usually, it’ll take about 3 days of me walking into the bathroom and seeing the paper towel roll awkwardly hanging off the toilet paper holder for me to make a trip to CVS to rectify the situation. Could The VP of Ops step in here and make a trip herself? Yes, but she has the FANTASTIC excuse of “well, I don’t have a car.” For as useful as having a car is, I do wonder if the excuses I’d be able to unlock by NOT having one would be more beneficial…
Doing the laundry before I’m forced to wear the emergency pair of loose boxers
Past the age of 27, most men make the switch from boxers to boxer briefs. Screw a Bat Mitzvah, this is when a boy becomes a man! (Bar Mitzvah? Bat Mitzvah? You get what I’m saying.) However, we all keep like one pair of boxers to be worn “just in case”, and that “just in case” is just in case we put off doing laundry to the point where we run out of clean boxer briefs to wear. The “Just In Case”-Boxers will be kept in most men’s underwear drawer for a minimum of 49 years. (Mine are from mid-college. The elastic is BARELY working and they have multi-colored christmas trees all over. If you happen to catch a glimpse of these peeking out above the waistband of my jeans someday, best keep your distance). It’s not flattering, and we know that, BUT! Who’s gonna see them? Seriously, it’s like having a fire extinguisher in your house; you hope you never have to use it, but you’re happy it’s there just in case. These loose, awful feeling boxers are also kinda’ necessary because they do FORCE me to do laundry that same day. Going into day 2 wearing my loose, christmas tree trunks is an absolute nightmare scenario. NIGHTMARE. SCENARIO.
Checking my credit card balance before it gets declined at a restaurant and I act super surprised in front of everyone that heard the waiter tell me “this one didn’t work”
I JUST DON’T WANNA LOOK! Quick aside: The VP hates when I talk about money stuff. She’ll say “I don’t want people to think we’re living under a bridge!” We’re not living under a bridge. We’re actually doing relatively TOTALLY FINE, but that doesn’t stop me from throwing EVERYTHING on my Citi card so I can get POINTS POINTS POINTS!!! (I’m a slave to points, guys.) But then, what’ll happen is, I know I’m getting close to my limit but I put off looking at my account online because I don’t want to have to face how much I’ve spent on Cliff Bars and Waters (and candy) at 7-11 over the past 10 days. When I do finally go to check my account online, I definitely hold my breath and wince while the “recent transactions” page loads. Sometimes I just get so nervous that I bail out of the site before it loads (‘load’ is a funny word). Much the way girls do, I have a “that time of the month” period where every time I hand over my Citi card (free advertising…maybe throw some points my way?) it’s a roll of the dice. I’ll try to watch the server at the computer terminal to see if they’re running the card more than once. If it’s more than once, I’m dead. If they’re shaking their head or rubbing the strip on the back of the card, also dead. If I can see this ahead of time, though, I at least have however long it takes them to get back to the table to come up with a feasible excuse. “Weird, I thought I activated that one”-is a go to. However, if I’m unable to see them at the computer terminal, and they sneak up on me from behind with the “I’m sorry sir, but there seems to be an issue with your card”-I’ll momentarily panic. My instinct is to shoot a flared-nostrils look at The VP and yell “RUN!!!” Unfortunately, The VP is simply not fast enough to keep up with me. Knowing this, I’ll usually just make some self-deprecating joke about how expensive my Peanut M&Ms habit has become.
OUR WORLD:
Are we all officially overwhelmed with the amount of television choices? Over the past few weeks, while proudly crowing about how The VP and I had finally started “Game of Thrones”, I was normally met with a “oh that’s nice, but you HAVE to check out this show!” If you can’t tell, I love T.V. We all love T.V. I’m not even counting the people who say “I don’t own a TV” because they are not people…they are animals (TOPICAL JOKE ALERT!!!)
But sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. (Is that the saying?) I say this because I was planning on writing reviews of G.O.T. (that’s how cool people refer to “Game of Thrones”. I’m part of that club now. AND, YEAH, IT’S A BIG EFFIN’ DEAL!!!) but then I realized that nobody would want to read reviews of a show that are SEVEN YEARS TOO LATE. My bad on that one.
So, if like me, you’re feeling overwhelmed by every one of your friends telling you to watch a different Netflix show, I’ve compiled a list of OLDER/UNDER-THE-RADAR shows and movies that hold up. I’m guessing you haven’t seen these or, if you have, its been so long since you have that re-watching them would be like watching them for the first time. These are not in any order because I don’t want to get into that bullshit. They’re just good (or I’ve heard they’re good from V reliable sources). Giddy up!
“Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” (NBC TV Series): It’s just good. (I know, I watched it.)
“Deadwood” (HBO TV Series): I’ve heard it’s good from V reliable sources.
“In Bruges” (Movie): It’s just good. (I know, I watched it.)
“Boss” (Starz TV Series): It’s just good. (I know, I watched it.)
“Reno 911” (Comedy Central TV Series): It’s just great. (This show is way too overlooked when the topic of “best comedy series” of the past 20 years comes up. This is in the discussion. TRUST!)
“Adaptation” (Movie): It’s just fantastic. (An all-time great screenwriter + Nicolas Cage at his best = YUP!)
“Moon” (Movie): Think “The Martian” but grittier and more realistic. Sam Rockwell is the most underrated actor going right now.
“Terriers” (FX TV Series): I’ve heard it’s good from V reliable sources.
“Rescue Me” (FX TV Series): It’s great and it has been long enough for me now that it’s entering into the “may be time to re-watch that”-category.
“Zodiac” (Movie): The more I remember this movie, the more I think I loved it. Downey Jr and Gyllenhaal at their best.
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Top 5 Funny TV Character is “Terry” from “Reno 911”
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When a new person moves into the apartment below you and thinks that talking outside on speakerphone at 11:49 P.M. on a Wednesday night is appropriate. (ANGRY OLD MAN ALERT!)
I DON’T WANT TO BRAG BECAUSE I’VE BEEN ON A REAL HEATER TO THE POINT WHERE I’M GOING TO ACTUALLY WITHDRAW FROM MY GAMBLING ACCOUNT, AND PUT THOSE WINNINGS INTO BITCOIN. THIS IS NOT A JOKE, I’M A BITCOIN INVESTOR NOW AND I’M THRILLED ABOUT GETTING TO RIDE THE WAVE ON MY WAY TO BECOMING MEGA-STINKY-RICH.
I mean, I think the new section title says it all.
Remember when you were a kid and you would have invention day at school? That day was the best. One year, I remember I painted a big cardboard box and had a couple of slots that you’d drop bread and salami down for a “salami sandwich maker”. (Big salami on white bread guy here. If you like to get fancy, throw some Cheetos in there. GAME. CHANGER.) While dropping wonder bread and cuts of salami through a cardboard box never took off, I’ve always tried to think of stuff that I couldn’t make, but would love to see. When I was younger, I’d say stuff like “I can’t tell you my invention ideas because you’ll steal them and get rich off my brain.” Now, though, as a full-grown adult (but like, my doctor did say I could get over 6 feet tall one day so maybe not…) who knows his limitations (there are a lot!) I’m not afraid to share my genius invention ideas with you all. Nobody reading this has the bandwidth (business term) to turn these into a reality and get rich off of them. AND! Even if someone does, I’ll actually find it a little funny about how bad I just jinxed myself there. Without further ado, here are my “Can someone smarter than me please make these things happen and then give me some money for coming up with the idea?-Inventions”
A hand dryer that makes your hands dry in less than 3 seconds
I don’t know how it is in the women’s room (because I don’t go in there because I’m not allowed) but every time I’m in the men’s room it leads to an awkward exit. I’ll finish peeing and then wash my hands because there are people there who will judge me if I don’t EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY DIDN’T PEE ON MY HANDS! After washing my hands, I’ll try to dry them in those fancy new blower things that every bar has, but it takes longer than it should…and then there’s a line of a couple dudes behind me like “I remember my first hand drier!” Usually, I get so uncomfortable with holding up the drier (dryer? drier?) line that I just leave with my hands still wet. AND HAVING WET HANDS STINKS! You have to dry them on your dirty pants and then, guess what? YOUR HANDS ARE DIRTY AGAIN!
Stop me if I’m asking for too much here, but can’t we have a machine that zaps our hands and they’re immediately dry? Remember that memory eraser thing in “Men in Black”? Like one of those, but instead of erasing your memory, it just dries your hands. If you can’t tell, I would very much be in favor of bringing paper towel dispensers back to all of the bathrooms, but I guess that’s gonna make the earth explode. So that’s out. Until this flash hand dryer is invented though, can we all agree that standing over someone while they’re trying to dry their hands is unnecessary? Maybe just pretend you’re still washing your hands for another 38 seconds until my hands are actually dry?
Car slappers
This may be my favorite name for an invention of mine “The Car Slapper”. Here’s the idea: sometimes honking just isn’t enough. You ever driving and see a car drift into your lane or right in front of you and all you want to do is give that car a “Hey, I’m drivin’ here!”-slap? What if, on each side of your car, there was a big inflatable hand–like, the size of a pool noodle but in the shape of a hand–that you could press a button and it would shoot out and SLAP the car next to you? It wouldn’t damage the bad driver’s car, but it would shock them and be WAY more of a jolt to get out of your way than some lame honking sound.
Also! I think these inflatable hands should be covered in chalk. Therefore, if you’re on the road and get “slapped” then other drivers would know to pay extra close attention for the rest of the day because they’d see the chalky handprint on the side of your car. It would be a scarlet letter of sorts for bad drivers. Would some people abuse this tool? I already thought about that, guys! The only way you can have a car that is equipped with “The Car Slapper” is if you’ve been accident-free for 3 years. I’m not here to invent things for bad drivers to take advantage of. I’m here for the rest of us; the cautious drivers who aren’t afraid to stop on a yellow light, or actually pull over at the sound of police sirens. ALSO! If anything about your car resembles anything from ANY of “The Fast and The Furious” movies, you can’t get “The Car Slapper”. This includes: loud muffler things, lights under your car, windows that are tinted a little too much, a spoiler, or basically any Honda that has had work done on it.
The get-away-from-me shirt
The name for this one may need work, but the idea is great. What if you had a shirt that alerted people when they were too close to you? I don’t want this to be used as a weapon, but what if a shirt was made in a way that if someone got within 3 feet of you, they would get sprayed with a B.O. spray? Being the guy with B.O. for the rest of the day is MORE than enough of a deterrent to stay 3 feet away from someone. Here’s how it would work: a FASHIONABLE shirt would be made (not sacrificing fashion here) that would alert people as to what you view as your personal space. Think, instead of a Nike swoosh on the arm, there’s a “3 FEET!” patch that lets people know that if they get within 3 feet of you, they will be shot with B.O. spray. If they get within 6 inches of crossing into your personal space, that patch would start flashing like a warning siren that signifies “BACK UP OR SMELL LIKE B.O. FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!”
Imagine the next time you’re walking down the street and you see one of those people with a clipboard and a spiel that you don’t care about. You see them approaching you and saying something like “Hello sir! Do you care about ending little babies being tortured?” Of course you do, but you just wanted to get a goddamn sandwich and not talk to anyone! If you had one of my shirts, you could just point to your “5 Feet!” patch and they’d know not to get any closer. You wouldn’t have to say anything mean like “No, I don’t care about little babies being tortured.” All you’d have to do is give a look down to your patch. They’d hate it, but not as much as they’d hate smelling like “Smelly Richard” from your high school math class.
The fart silencer
Everybody farts, guys. It’s a funny sound, but it’s also a real thing that way too many people struggle to hide while they’re at work or on a date or in a public place that’s just a little too quiet. When The VP and I started dating, I hid my farts like a ninja who always had a pained look on his face. It was about 4 months until she heard my first one, an accidental/laughed-too-hard fart that came out in the middle of a party. Thankfully, The VP is cool, but it was petrifying. I half expected her to dump me on the spot.
I’m not advocating for a diaper-like thing or an enema of sorts (too icky, right?!?!) But maybe just some cool pants that has a muffler like device on the butt? If I let one out, nobody would hear it because my magic pants silenced it. I mean, there’s a device to silence a GUN SHOOTING A BULLET–there has to be a pants device to silence a BUTT SHOOTING A FART. (If you’re not laughing at “a butt shooting a fart” then just stop reading this forever. That’s as good as I get, folks.) Every high school kid would immediately buy these and save themselves from confidence-crippling accidental farts. Remember that time you were doing sit-ups in the gym next to the cute girl and you accidentally let out a RIPPER? With these magic gym pants, Cute Girl would never know. (Could she smell it? Yes, but that’s always easy to pawn off on someone else.)
*Quick related-story: I came up with this idea in college. It was a U.S. History class and we were taking a final. I was sitting next to a girl I had a crush on, and I was super nervous about that AND taking a final that I was ill-prepared for. (Don’t worry VP, you’re way hotter than she ever was.) Anyway, so the classroom was dead silent as everyone worked on the final. The silence was broken, however, by my stomach growls. I had to fart, but I couldn’t run out because I didn’t think you could leave the room during a final. So I was holding it in for dear life. My stomach did not appreciate this, and was letting THE ENTIRE WORLD KNOW. These growls were angry and scary and…disturbing enough that the girl I had a crush on, literally leaned over and asked if I was okay. I never asked that girl out.
The Sober-Now Pill
If you’ve been around me much, you’ve probably heard me talk about this a lot. (In fact, I feel like I may have talked about this in a previous blog…but I don’t want to go through all of them and check, so deal with this.) How amazing would it be if you got to the end of your night, started to feel that “oh my god, tomorrow is gonna hurt real bad”-feeling, but were able to drop a pill into your last beer and POOF! You’re back to zero. It would basically eliminate hangovers, drunk driving and you’d save so much on Ubers. Get bombed, pop a sober pill, drive home. GREAT NIGHT!
Also, the comedy that could be had would be priceless. My favorite thing about this invention is thinking about the times I’d sneak this pill into a friend’s beer before they were ready to be sober. They’d be in the middle of a great night, hitting peak-buzz level and finally unwinding from a stressful week when BOOM! “Did you put a sober pill in my beer, Jimmy?!?!” GOTCHA JERK! ENJOY PAYING THAT $90 TAB AND BEING SOBER BEFORE YOU WANTED TO BE!!! You could never leave your drink unattended around me. And it’s not like I’d get in trouble for “drugging” you; I’d basically be doing a public-service by ridding the public of your drunken ass. Cops would thank me! Please make this happen someone.
OUR WORLD:
Game of Thrones Season 1 Review will be coming possibly as soon as tomorrow! That was a lot of words I wrote for the “My World” section so you’re gonna have to wait on this one. BUT! The VP and I finished Season 1 last night and OOOOOOOO DOGGY!!! WE ARE SO IN ON THIS SHOW!
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
New song off of Dave Matthews’ new album! And I found a live video of it! LOVE!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When you wear a sweater for the first time and you take it off to see that it left a bunch of fuzzies on your white t-shirt. AND IT’S TOO HOT TO PUT THE SWEATER BACK ON!!! SO YOU HAVE TO WALK AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT COVERED IN FUZZIES!!!
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:
Not to brag, but I hit a Warriors/Vegas parlay last night. Not to brag not to brag. I’m getting close to the level where I’ll cash out and dump that money into bitcoin (I’ve decided I want to invest in bitcoin cuz it sounds fun!) Tonight I like Boston (-1) and Tampa Bay (+1.5). LeBron was way too relaxed after that Game 1 ass-kicking. He reminded me of that guy who tries to convince himself that he’s not worried when he DEFINITELY IS. Cleveland stinks, guys. And the Lightning? I mean, they can’t go down 3-0 without at least putting up a fight. I say if they lose, it won’t be by more than 1. GOD MY GAMBLING BRAIN IS FIRING ON ALL CYLINDERS TODAY!!!
(My account currently at $231.76….YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!)
It’s Friday (ever heard of it?) and we’re all supposed to be in great moods this morning. Even though it’s raining, we’re about to get a 2-day respite from our SOUL SUCKING places of employment (jk boss! I love my job every second!) Who else is looking forward to acting like Jersey Shore Ron for the next 48 hours before curling up on your couch and having the Sunday scaries wash over you?!?! And now you should hate me because I just talked about Sunday Scaries on a Friday morning. I would like to introduce my “Things That People Do That Piss Me Off More Than They Should”:
-Talking About Sunday Scaries or Hangovers on Friday or Saturday: This is a classic Debbie Downer move and, tell me, who does it benefit? The “ugh, I’m already thinking about tomorrow’s hangover”-person is the same breed as the “it’s almost Sunday”-person who appears around 7PM on Saturday night. If you are this person, let’s walk through why you’re saying these things out loud in front of people. Is it because you get nervous when in groups? Maybe things got a little too quiet amongst a few friends/coworkers and you went into full “shit, things are getting awkward and people are thinking it’s because I don’t know how to converse”-mode? So you blurted out something kinda floating in the middle of your brain, not quite the back and not exactly the front, but the middle fears that you have mistaken for “this will be a positive addition to the conversation!” It’s not a positive addition to the conversation. (Activating Michelle from “Full House”-voice)“Capiche?!”
Listen, once you get to the age of 27, everyone has a time at the bar where they go to pee, catch their reflection in the mirror and think, “oh shit, I’m fucked up and tomorrow is gonna HURT.” Talking about it doesn’t make it better. Burying it, does. So when I head back to the bar to distract myself watching the teams I gambled on slowly lose while burying my nose in a pint glass, can you not ruin the moment with your insecurities? I get insecure too (mostly when I’m around people who have cool tattoos and tight pants) but I don’t remind everyone that climate change is accelerating at a rate that could GREATLY IMPACT QUALITY OF LIFE WITHIN THE NEXT 20 YEARS!!!!
And to the “it’s almost Sunday”-people, again, we’re all thinking this. I was the kid in middle school who would have a countdown in my head during winter and summer break about every day was one day closer to having to go back to school; and I would get progressively sadder the closer that return got. Seriously, by the time August hit, I was a fuggin’ basket case, trembling in the fetal position on my bedroom floor while muttering “I haven’t even STARTED the summer reading!” You think my Mom coming in and saying “hey kiddo, school’s getting close!” would have HELPED that situation? It probably would have sent me into an anxiety tailspin where I would’ve written a goodbye note about how my heart was broken by the tall girl in 3rd grade before trying to OD on my Flintstones vitamins. (Real talk, my sister once had to get her stomach pumped for eating too many of them.)
In short: keep your fears to yourself on the weekends.
-When people get way too close walking behind me: You ever walking down a city sidewalk at a reasonable pace, when you can feel someone trying to figure-eight you from behind? You can almost hear their overly dramatic audible sighs as they’re about to stomp on your heels? When this happens to me, I’ll normally shoot The VP of Ops a look that says “I’m ‘FINNA LOSE MY SHIT ON THIS FOOL!” She’ll grab my hand a little tighter and clench her jaw to brace for the impending embarrassment as….I abruptly stop, step to the side and extend my arm to the DOUCHE from behind as if to say “go ahead!” Seriously, sometimes I’ll even toss a dripping sarcastic “please, go ahead” in a volume low enough for them to hear, but also low enough for me to deny if it turned into an actual confrontation. If you don’t live to be passive aggressive to strangers, is life really worth living?!?!
Now is the part where I say that me acting like this is grossly immature so you don’t think I’m a total nutspants. It’s borderline insane for me to think that people walking behind me are to flat-tire my new cool Levi loafers (fashion); and, if someone ever just stopped when I pulled something like this and said something like “what’s your fucking problem?” I’d probably pee my pants while trying to look tough in front of my wife, who undoubtedly is going to look for a divorce lawyer once she gets some wifi access for her phone. But here’s the rub: I don’t think it’s insane. In the moment, I think it’s ONE BILLION PERCENT justified to act like this. If you get within 3 feet of the person in front of you on the sidewalk, they should be allowed to turn around and konk you on the head with a metal baseball bat.
Oh, I also hate slow walkers.
-People on bikes when I’m driving and people in cars when I’m biking: Fellow car people, is there anything worse than the cool bicycle person blowing through stop signs and screaming at you after they cut you off? The bike lanes throughout the city have made narrow driving lanes even tighter, yet the bikers seem to use them as a mere suggestion, weaving in and out of the bike lanes as they please. If you come within 10 feet of them, they scream at you to “watch out!” and, worse, if you open your car door within 5 blocks of any of them, they’re going to confront you about “being aware of your surroundings!” Roads were built for cars, so if you’re gonna be on one on your bike, you should follow the same rules as cars, right? Why are bikes allowed to blow through red lights and stop signs? IT’S NOT FAIR! If I have to sit in traffic on a Monday night, why doesn’t Trevor Tinyhat?!? It’s hard enough sharing the roads with the extras from “Fast and the Furious” and grandparents reluctant to give up licenses. Adding cyclists who basically dare you to hit them is the exact recipe for Jimmy’s Molotov Cocktail of Anger. I’M THROWING THIS BOTTLE AT SOMETHING!
Now, just to add some inexplicable contradiction to this; I also hate car people when I’m biking through the city. I can’t be alone in this dichotomy. If you can’t tell already, I’m not the cool bicycle person who has the tiny hat and big messenger bag. Me on a bike is Dad-city; thick tires, not going too fast, constantly making sure you’re keeping up and yelling “taking a right up here” about 6 times before we actually take the right. (“Taking a left?” “NO DAMNIT! RIGHT!”) When I do bike, it’s rare, and it usually consists of The VP and I renting city bikes so we can tell people we did an “outdoor activity!” The VP is normally pretty scared about riding bikes on busy streets and I have to pretend like I’m not and say things like “we have the right of way!” But when a car gets a little too close, or guns it past us you better believe I’m tossing a “fuckin’ relax” their way! We don’t wear helmets because we don’t own them (and they’re dorky AND my hair turns to hat-hair REAL quick so I try to avoid that.)
Maybe cars and bicycles just weren’t meant to share the same roads? They hate each other and if someone makes an animated “Cars vs. Bikes” movie in the next 5 years, I demand a percentage of the box office. It’s a classic David vs. Goliath tale in which the bikes mount an offensive against the road-controlling cars; only to realize that the cars are just like they are. Both sides learn to see the world from the other’s point of view and they come to an understanding that they’re “really not that different after all”. Hey Pixar? You’re welcome.
OUR WORLD:
I love Kanye’s music, but the way he has been the past few weeks has kinda’ ruined it. So I started thinking about other celebs/people that did bad things who I’m hoping are able to mount a comeback. Some of these people have done super terrible things, BUT think about like “what if they solved the homeless situation?” Here are some people I wish would solve the homeless situation (as in, give all homeless people the houses of rich assholes. Donald Trump’s house goes to the “Free Smiles” sign guy.)
–Louis C.K.: I know, what he did was wrong and weird and bad and creepy. But, he is quite possibly the best stand-up of all-time and made me laugh and forget about my problems anytime I watched his stuff.
–Lance Armstrong: Okay, you know what? I don’t think he even has to solve homelessness. I never cared about cycling before him and I don’t after him and, honestly, I really didn’t care about cycling when he was dominating. What I do care about is ALL OF THE GOOD he did for people with cancer. That Livestrong campaign was inspiring for so many millions of people going through hard times, that I don’t really care that he was an asshole to reporters and ruined the reputations of some people. Sue the shit out him, fine. But, the good outweighs the bad here. YEAH, I SAID IT!
–Lindsay Lohan: You notice that the first 3 people on this list all have names that start with ‘L’? THAT’S SUPER FUCKIN’ WEIRD, GUYS!!! Anyway, I miss “Mean Girls” and “Parent Trap” Lindsay Lohan. She was funny and good at acting and super pretty. Then she got way too into drugs and real weird stories about her being a total beeyotch came out. That stinks. In her prime, isn’t she a better version of Emma Stone? She must hate her.
–Michael Jackson: Him solving homelessness when he’s dead would be a real accomplishment. Still, he has somehow reached the “yeah, he definitely touched kids, but it’s kinda’ okay because Thriller is the best album of all-time and he’s a great dancer!”-level. When you’re alone, though, and singing all the words to “Billie Jean” do you ever catch yourself with a “remember that story about him giving ‘Jesus Juice’ to kids?” Yeah, that stinks.
–Harvey Weinstein: Just kidding, guys. He should die in a fire. Although, let me just throw this out there…what if he was next season’s “Bachelor”? Think of how conflicted the women on that show would be. It would ALMOST be evil-delicious…right? RIGHT?!?! I KNOW!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
The VP of Ops will hate me for this, but I do not understand the appeal of this kid AT ALL. In fact, I cannot stand him. Not because he’s a kid, but because he’s a kid who got famous for doing a super annoying thing in Wal-Mart? GETDAFUGOUTTAHERE!
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
My favorite actor of all time. I love everything he ever did. EVERYTHING. If someone can make you laugh just by saying “So I says to him…” over and over again, that’s called being ALL-TIME ELECTRIC.
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:
NHL Conference finals start tonight and since I don’t watch hockey really at all throughout the regular season, I am feeling VERY confident about picking the Capitals in tonight’s game. Uh…Alex Ovechkin is a guy I’ve heard of so SOUNDS LIKE A LOCK TO ME! (Jesus H. Christ do I need football back in my life…)
There is some super big news in the world of The VP and I. Are you ready for it? (YOU’RE NOT!) We started “Game of Thrones”. That sound? That’s a bomb hitting the earth by your dumpy apartment and exploding RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!
Having not watched this show since it came out, The VP and I have been subjected to far too many “you’ve got to be kidding me”s, “what is wrong with you?”s, and passionate anger about how people “can’t even talk to you.” It’s been hard, but thankfully, we’re tough-minded individuals who had to wait until now to prove to everyone that we wouldn’t simply bend to peer pressure. We’re watching the show now because it’s right for US, and NOT because all of my friends have been making fun of me for years (but like, guys? do you think I’m cool again?)
I’m obviously lying. Remember, if I do that here, I come clean REAL quick (as in, next-paragraph-quick). We’re watching it because I’m jealous of all the fun-sounding convos my friends get to have about this show. Even not watching the show, I remember people getting emotional the day after when talking about dragons and weddings and Jon Snow (John? Jahn? Jan?) Nothing is ruined for me, but I have a very slight whiff of what’s to come. Over the past few years when my friends talk about the show, I’ve felt like a prisoner looking through bars at a field where families enjoy the sunny day on a playground (there’s gotta be one prison that overlooks a playground, right? Maybe not actually. I’M TRYING TO PAINT A PICTURE!)
Why didn’t I get into it until now, then? I was scared. Guys, I was so scared. It’s 7 seasons and I’m not a sci-fi guy and I’d heard that there are like TEN TRILLIONBILLION characters and storylines. Remember, I’m a “Bar Rescue” and “Vanderpump Rules” guy–shows with storylines that most wouldn’t describe as “hard to follow” (Bar Rescue storylines: Dirty Bar + Lazy Owner = Angry Jon Taffer. Vanderpump Rules storylines: Alcohol + Insecure People = Sleeping with an ex in a parking garage.) Also, convincing The VP of Ops to watch a show that doesn’t involve true crime OR an overdramatized cheating scandal requires some serious negotiations on my part. A few days in, and she seems to like it…although, I do have to watch her out of the corner of my eye to make sure she’s not scrolling through Instagram on her phone. (Are we the only ones who yell at each other when one of us catches the other checking their phone while watching one of “our” shows? Hook a mic up outside our apartment door and most nights all you’ll hear is us yelling “PHONE!” every 9 minutes.)
Now that we’re beginning to knock out “Game of Thrones” I’ll plan to write some reactions to the big episodes as we go through them. I figure it’ll allow anyone reading this to re-live these episodes through The VP and I’s experience of them. Don’t worry, I’ll put big bold *SPOILER ALERT* warnings ahead of them for people like we USED to be; too scared to commit.
Real quick, here are some other shows that I/we haven’t watched yet, that I feel similar guilt about. “Game of Thrones” was number 1 in terms of “I feel guilty I haven’t watched ____”, here is the rest of the top 5:
2) “Breaking Bad”: I can already hear you yelling “OH, COME ON!” at your computer screen. Here’s the deal; I watched the first couple seasons when Erin and I were first dating. Then we got serious, and had to watch shows together because of LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! CUDDLES! So we found ourselves in a pickle where I didn’t want to re-watch the first few seasons, and she didn’t want to start in the middle of the series so….now, neither of us watch it and we try not to talk about it in public too much because YOU’RE ALL JERKS!
3) “The Wire”: Wait! WAIT! I did watch the first season of this show and then the same thing that happened with “Breaking Bad” and The VP happened with “The Wire”. Guys, it’s all her fault. We still cool-man-bros? YEAAAAAAHHHH WE AHHHHH! Women, amirite?!?! (Babe, they made me do it. You know I care about you more than those dumb guys. Can’t wait to start “Southern Charm” or “Below Deck” before ever getting back into “The Wire” again!)
4) “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”: PUT ME DOWN! I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON’T PUT ME DOWN, I’M GONNA TELL MY DAD! Okay, listen, I’ve watched a few episodes of this show and I enjoyed it. I’m not going to lie, though, and tell you that it’s on the same comedy level as “Seinfeld”, “The Office” or even “Parks & Rec”. My friends and people I don’t even know on the street will CONSTANTLY throw a “you remember that episode of ‘Always Sunny’ when….”–and, you know what? I normally lie and nod my head and toss a few courtesy laughs their way. It just isn’t worth the whole ordeal of me telling them that I’ve seen less than 10 episodes of the show. Full disclosure: The VP got me into this show more than I was before we were dating, so direct all your anger about this away from her and towards me.
5) “The Walking Dead”: Guess what? I don’t feel guilty about this at all because zombies are overdone and all the promos to this show look like the actors just came out of the “disheveled but still has really cool hair”-machine. PASS!
OUR WORLD:
This is a friendly reminder that Mother’s Day is this Sunday and, therefore, you have 3 days left to procrastinate on getting a gift. (Every guy reading this just texted their sister/wife/girlfriend/friend-who-is-a-girl/that-girl-who-you-work-with looking for gift ideas.) Mom, I love you very very much, but I must confess for all men in their 20s and 30s that these are the steps we take to find your gift:
-Text any girl we are close with “what should I get my mom for mother’s day?”: They’ll probably respond with something that’s too expensive or too general like “just some nice flowers!” that you think would scream “last minute gift”. Therefore, pretty much no matter what they respond, we’re not going to get that thing.
-Google “Mother’s Day Gifts”: More flowers and candy? BE MORE ORIGINAL GOOGLE!
-Tell ourselves that we’ll “figure it out”: This is also known as “forgetting about it for 4 days until freaking out the day of.” Normally, about 4 days before Mother’s Day-when we still haven’t gotten anything-a girl in our lives will ask what we’re getting and we’ll snarl a “I’ll figure it out” back at them. Here’s the rub, though: we probably won’t.
-Call our siblings and decide to contribute money to a group gift: The tough thing with this is that ONE SIBLING needs to take the lead here. They need to present a compelling argument for what gift we should all get and have it be a reasonable price. If there’s conflict in this discussion (hint: there ALWAYS is) then negotiations may fall apart immediately. If there is agreement, then that ONE SIBLING has to go get the gift him or herself and be totally okay with sharing credit with the others when they present the gift to Mom. Normally, the sibling who took the lead AND got the gift will throw in some passive aggressive mention of how they did EVERYTHING (and, therefore, should be loved more than the rest).
-If all else fails, flowers: Seriously, if you’re just giving your Mom flowers you might as well include an “I suck at planning ahead” card with them. I don’t care what Mom’s say, they’re pissed when they get flowers from their children. I get it; I would be too. (But Mom, remember that time I got your FAVORITE flowers? That was totally different.)
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
This is a dumb, young person song that I like. It makes me happy and feel cool.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Walking your dog in the rain and then them shaking off dry in your apartment before you can get a towel on them.
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:
Took a couple of LAME backdoor covers right on the chin last night. Tonight? The Celtics aren’t losing a close out game at home. NOT HAPPENING!
Yeah, I took a few days off. The VP of Ops and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary in the greatest and laziest of ways. I’m talking dog walks and outdoor margaritas (although The VP got a Michelada for some reason and pretended not to hate it the entire time…she’s bad at pretending not to hate things), but mostly, I’m talking SWEATPANTS! COUCH! DELIVERY! NETFLIX! And we finally pulled the trigger on buying tickets for our belated honeymoon; so the VP and I will be going to Ireland in early September. (Braggy Jimmy STINKS! THIS BLOG HAS CHANGED!)
Yeah, it is a slight brag, BUT we have had to answer the “where did you go on your honeymoon?” question for the past year with shrugged shoulders and stories about how “we’re saving up!” I always felt like when that question came up, things would get real awkward and the people asking us would feel bad for us and walk away like “aww, they’re sad.” I know that didn’t ACTUALLY happen, but it did kinda feel like it did. So now, we get to play the nonchalant “oh, we’re going to Europe”-people for the next couple months. (Going to Europe sounds cooler than just saying “Ireland” I think because that’s what my brain is telling me and I don’t have a rational way to describe why I feel like that. IS THAT OKAY?!?!)
Aside from bragging a lil bit (it is MY blog…I’m allowed to do that every now and then) this is more of a plea for help because I have no idea what to do on a vacation. I’ve never been out of the country (or have I? And if so, why am I hiding it? Is Jimmy a sp– IS THE GOVERNMENT READING THIS?!?!) and The VP and I have never been on a vacation together. Yeah, real talk. The only times The VP and I have been out of town are to visit her fam in Mississippi or to go to a wedding (where I would normally get too intoxicated and come VERY close to embarrassing The VP in front of all her friends that were skeptical of her being with a Yankee in the first place. I’m a master of first impressions, guys.) The last time I was on a legit vacation was in High School I think, so we’re going to need some suggestions on where to go and what to do because here is what I think a vacation consists of (according to teen/pre-teen Jimmy):
Hours in the hotel pool: Wait, so my Dad isn’t coming to Ireland with us to throw me around in the hotel pool? WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT IS THIS?!?! I swear to god, if The VP doesn’t want to play catch with a mini-nerf football in the pool, I’m gonna LOSE IT! Here’s what should happen; my Dad shows up to throw me around in the pool and then Erin and I play catch with the mini-football where I’ll mostly stand on the ledge of the pool and have her throw it so I can make a V cool looking diving catch. Instagram finna’ be LIT UP with my diving catch boomerangs!
Hotel freeze tag: Little does The VP know that she lucked out and married the undisputed King of Pomerantz Hotel Freeze Tag. “But Jimmy, you were the oldest of 4 siblings, so weren’t you always at a physical AND mental advantage?” <<<Who in the fuck is asking me questions like that? PASS! Listen, barefoot freeze tag through hotel halls with your siblings (and now wife…don’t worry VP, we’ll let you play now!) is the 5th major sport in America. The Sportscenter Top 10 was made for moments like when the oldest of 4 taunts the youngest for being too slow to win freeze tag and too immature to handle ALWAYS losing freeze tag.
Eating dinner at that place with peanut shells on the ground and a free popcorn machine: If all-you-can-eat popcorn and getting to toss peanut shells on the floor doesn’t say vacation, I don’t know what does. Were my parents simply masters of manipulation in framing dive bars as the epitome of relaxation for kids? Possibly, but goddamnit do I respect that move. Nothing was more exciting for 11 year-old Jimmy than pulling up to “The Satisfied Frog” in Cave Creek, Arizona and being reminded that it was the “peanut shell and popcorn place!” AWWWWWW HELL YEAH!
Those activities sound doable for a couple of 32 year olds in Ireland, right? (He’s joking, right? I can’t tell…I REALLY CAN’T TELL!) I am kidding…sorta. Please take this as an invitation to tell us what to do if you’ve been there. Even if you haven’t been there and saw something in a movie that looked cool, we’re open! We watched an Anthony Bourdain show on Ireland yesterday and it seems that Guinness and dive bars are a good place to start (maybe I’ll just bring my own bag of peanuts and pray they don’t get mad at me for tossing the shells on the ground?)
OUR WORLD:
I haven’t been living in “our world” lately, so gonna need to sit this one out today. Takes a day or two for me to get my sea legs back. Kinda like when you get back into the gym after a long layoff and your body doesn’t work anymore; that’s me and my writing fingers right now.
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I plan on this being me every morning in Ireland…
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Lisa Vanderpump was kind of a MAJOR B to the 2 Tom’s on last night’s Vanderpump reunion show, right? So….my point about her being a pompous jerk was proven.
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:
Won with the Cavs last night which is never that enjoyable because I can’t stand Lebron. We did lose with the Celts though and the parlay so….BASICALLY EVEN! Tonight’s games have BIG lines which are scary, but the Rockets and Warriors seem destined to stomp out these series. LETS BANG THOSE FAVES!
Jimmy's Chair 