OUR WORLD:

The NCAA Tournament starts Thursday.  Actually, it starts like Tuesday with these ridiculous “Play-In” games that nobody cares about except…ME!  OMG GUYS, I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM THIS YEAR!  Ucla plays St. Bonaventure on Tuesday and I’m terrified because I kinda remember hearing someone talk about “The Bonnies!” like 8 years ago during March Madness, and that makes me think they’re gonna pound UCLA.  And that, my friendos, is why this time of year is just lovely.  EVERYBODY IS ABOUT TO JOIN ME IN THE GAMBLING POOL AND SHARE THEIR RIDICULOUS REASONS FOR PICKING CERTAIN “SLEEPERS”!  (Except, they’re not ridiculous if you have a system and my system is SO due to work that anyone in a gambling pool with me this year should just Venmo me their money now.  Guys, I’m coming for fucking blood this year.)

As we all know, I do place wagers from time to time because I’m a gentleman and need a release from the endless, overwhelming stresses of adulthood that cause some people to do crack cocaine under a bridge.  I’m not doing crack cocaine under a bridge, okay? So, how ’bout ya fuckin cool it with the personalized “gambling is bad for Jimmy” PSA’s?  I REPEAT, I AM NOT DOING CRACK COCAINE UNDER A BRIDGE!  (Real talk, I don’t know what “doing crack cocaine” really means…Smoking I think? But, you snort cocaine so…you snort smoke? Yep, got it.  Thanks guys.)  Now that we’ve established that gambling IS part of a healthy lifestyle, I would like to share with you how I pick the games in the NCAA tourney.

First, I would like to point out that I went 6 for 7 on NCAA bball picks this past weekend.  I am aware that you may be skeptical, but there is proof in my bovada account.  Therefore, it is official that I. AM. BACK.  The best teams put it together when it counts, and that’s exactly what I have done.  Credit to me for sticking with it and ignoring the haters.  As Rocky Balboa said, in the feature film Rocky Balboa: “It ain’t about how hard ya hit.  It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”  (I sent a GIF with this quote on Saturday morning because it was truly inspiring).  

Second, this time of year is a dangerous time of year because gambling RUBES think it’s their turn to share all their “secrets” because they won a work pool six years ago.  The VP of Ops is one of these people, and I have had it!  She placed 2nd or maybe 3rd in a work pool a couple years back or, as she puts it, she “Won”.  (Uhhhh, no ya didn’t.)  Therefore, she has felt it necessary to remind me that she picked Villanova when nobody else did (even though they were a favorite and many many people definitely picked them), so I should now listen to her gambling methods.  Seriously, within the past 36 hours, The VP of Ops has reminded me that she “won” (aka didn’t win) her work pool at least 19 billion thousand times.  I GET IT!  She’ll then recall her thought process when she picked Villanova as “ya’ know, I just heard someone say their name and I liked the way it sounded.”  Oh, you did?  Did you hear Jay Bilas say “Villanova is a one seed and, thus, a favorite to win the whole thing?” and then pick them?!?! IT WASN’T THAT GREAT OF A PICK!  JESUS H, SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM THIS HELLSCAPE!!!!

Now that we’ve established that I’m back and The VP of Ops should pipe down with her “tips”, here is how I go about picking teams in the NCAA Tourney:

1)  Do they have a player that I have heard is going to be a high NBA draft pick?  If yes, they’re going to win at least 2 rounds.  If they don’t, then it falls into a whole other category of research.  This year, the teams that fall into this category include: Oklahoma (Trae Young), Arizona (Deandre Ayton), Duke (Marvin Bagley), Missouri (Michael Porter Jr.), Alabama (Colin Sexton).  I know there are other top prospects, but these are the ones I’ve heard of the most sooooo…..LOCK IT IN!

2)  Did I watch them play and win at least one game within the past 2 weeks?  If  yes, I’m probably going to pick them “because they look good”.  That team for me this year is MOS DEF Kentucky.  I watched them beat Tennessee yesterday (and win me some stinky, sweaty money) and folks, lemme tell ya’, they’re gonna make some noise.  Why?  Happy, you asked…because they looked good.  (They may end up playing Arizona in the second round and my brain hurts trying to think of what I’ll do in that sitch.)

3)  Identify the team that BONES you every year, and attempt to pick their games the opposite of what you think will actually happen.  Michigan State is this team for me EVERY. GODDAMN. YEAR.  When I pick them to go deep, they get bounced in the first round.  When they’re my upset special, they make it to the Final Four and I get to watch endless stories about how close Tom Izzo is with his “guys”.  Guess what?  This year, if I think they’re gonna win, picking them to lose.  That’s called fighting fire with fire, kids.

4)  Don’t pick the favorite to win it all.  Pick like the 3rd or 4th most likely team.  You’ve got to plan ahead and assume that some stuff hasn’t gone your way in the early goings of the tourney.  How do you make this up?  By picking a team that not everyone has picked to win it all.  This year, everyone and their dumb mom is gonna pick Duke.  Don’t pick Duke.  (I kinda wanna pick Duke).  

5)  Find a traditional football school that you’re surprised is a high seed and BET THE HOUSE against them.  This one’s the best, guys.  Works almost every time.  This year, you can pick from: Texas Tech, Auburn, and Tennessee.  One, but probably all, are going down early because, like, get fuckin’ real guys.

And that’s it.  I would say I wish you all tremendous amounts of luck as you venture into the gambling paradise that is March Madness, but I don’t wish that.  I hope you lose.  I hope I win.

P.S. If you see The VP of Ops over the next 3 days, ask her about the time she picked Villanova.  She’ll light up and immediately start telling you every single detail about why she picked them.  As she starts to do this, put your hand in her face and say something cool like “long hair, don’t care,” then walk away.  Do this for me.  Thank you.

MY WORLD:

My underrated favorite part of the weekend is doing my weekly grocery shopping on Sunday afternoon.  It’s a grownup thing that I’ve really only started doing in the past year-ish, but it has become my preferred method of getting over the last remnants of a hangover/avoiding the Sunday Scaries for another hour.  My grocery shopping routine, however, includes an endless inner-dialogue where I’m constantly talking myself out of buying the unhealthier (but way tastier) options.

For instance, the grocery store that I go to the most has the produce section right when I walk in.  I’ll grab bananas (NANAS!), brussels sprouts, broccoli, potatoes, some sort of lettuce, and maybe a big fruit that requires carving for The VP of Ops (this fruit will 100% get old and rot before The VP ever cuts into it.  I will remind her of this CERTAINTY before we buy it, but she is forceful that “won’t happen this time”.  It will.  It always does.)  By the time, we get through the end of the produce section, we are feeling great about our healthy cart.  Someone will pass me with a cart full of carbs and I’ll shoot them a “check this shit out”-look.  The proud parade of a healthy cart, however, begins to slow as we hit the bakery section.

This is so mean when grocery stores put the bakery at the end of the produce section.  They lull you into thinking you’re healthy and then BAM, donut smells.  I normally make some sort of borderline-sexual purring sound, to which The VP responds: “don’t look don’t look don’t look.”  I want smash my fat face into the donuts and cookies and cakes and breads and I WANNA DIE IN THERE! I WANT TO DIE IN THE MARIANO’S BAKERY!  Somehow, miraculously, I don’t buy anything.  It’s a triumph.  I’ll look at The VP and we’ll share a smile as if to say “We made it.”  It’s sweet.

But then the fucking cheese section hits.  This a black hole for The VP.  I’ll normally lose her in the soft cheese section.  She’ll grab a hunk (term? no idea) of way-too-expensive soft cheese and just look at me.  She’s hoping I say yes, but scared that I will at the same time.  During the period of Chubby Jimmy, I said yes to soft cheeses too much.  Reminder: soft cheese is a gateway drug to the cracker aisle, a seemingly-innocuous aisle that kills many-a-skinny people.  I say no to these cheeses now.  The VP kinda pouts, but deep down is happy I’m such a magnificent influence (ME!).  

Once clear of the bakery and cheese section, we’re safe for a while.  Chicken, pork and steaks dive into the cart because they don’t have carbs and healthy people talk a lot about protein so…they’re all good for us.  MEAT!  Sometimes, The VP will try to talk us into buying salmon, but salmon at home stinks.  Real talk, I love salmon at a restaurant every now and then, but cooking it at home is A) gross, cuz fishy’s feel slimy, and B) the worst because your place smells like fish for the next 43 hours minimum.  No fishy.

Dairy section includes milk for coffee, butter for muffy and the occasional egg purchase if I’m feeling extra ambitious about cooking breakfast for myself that week (these eggs normally meet the same fate as VPs big fruit.  Straight trash homie.)  The VP may toss some yogurt in our cart, triggering my gag reflex HARD.  Yogurt makes a nasty sound when you swirl it and has the consistency of my nightmares.  I would rather be in a small room with angry ex-cons than be next to ANYBODY eating yogurt.  Seriously, eat yogurt alone in a closet.  It’s disgusting.

The final hurdles for me are the soda and chip aisles.  Technically, we don’t HAVE to go down either aisle, but I’m a man of intrigue…and these aisles intrigue me.  Since watching some way-too-real Katie Couric food documentary, we can’t drink soda anymore.  Evidently, it’s like poison.  (Thanks for ruining my life Katie!)  We’ll make our way to La Croix and try convince ourselves that all the flavors don’t basically taste the same (god, they’re disappointing).  The whole time, though, I’m remembering the guilt-free good old days where I’d drink Coke Zero and Diet Mountain Dew to my heart’s desire.  A faint smile will cross my face and I’ll look up to the stars cuz that’s what you do when you remember happy times.  Then The VP will dump a case of peach-pear La Croix bullshit into our cart and I’ll come crashing back down to reality.  Katie Couric can go STRAIGHT to hell.

Final aisle on the way to the register is the chip aisle and….ohhhhhh momma! Doritos, Salt & Vins, Ruffles! Guys, Lays!  They have all of them!  Again, another aisle I don’t need to go down, but I will convince myself that I really need the butter-free popcorn at the end of the aisle just so I can walk and fantasize.  Can some scientist somewhere just take a break from space stuff and focus on creating a pill that makes chips good for you?  Honestly, it’s ridiculous that this hasn’t been invented yet.  Ridiculous!

The register is the finish line.  Chubby Jimmy used to grab a York peppermint patty for the ride home, but no longer!  Now, I just plan the Sunday Night drinks menu in my head as The VP and I discuss whether it’s a “Documentary” or “Peaky Blinders” kinda-night.  Sunday Scaries creep in…and now it’s Monday and we’re all sad.

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Inspiration in it’s purest form: (with spanish subtitles because I don’t know why)

 

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Top 10 Villain Face

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE: 

I’m hot guys.  We all knew I’d get there, and I’m there.  Sitting out tonight to save my strength and gambling intellect for the rest of this week.  It’s gonna be a long one, guys.  Get your 8 hours.

(My account currently at $59.11)

K bye.