holidays – Jimmy's Chair

*Quick disclaimer: Remember when I wrote about how I was shot in the head by the Chicago Bears starting kicker? That was like so so long ago that I can’t even remember it! Tehehehehe! I just want you to know that I’m okay. Unfortunately, due to doctor-patient legalese that I don’t want to bore you with, I can’t get into specifics like if I was actually shot in the head with a gun by Cody Parkey. Just know that I’m going to be okay and I WOULD get into it, but I don’t want to be tied up in court cases for the foreseeable future. Lawyers, amirite?!?!

OUR WORLD:

For most of you, now is the time of year you’re getting back into shape, looking in the mirror and saying things like “this year’s gonna be different”, getting more serious about your career, and showing off all the new clothes you got for Christmas. What a hopeful time! But then, there are people like…well, me. The kind of people who went to the gym yesterday, realized they forgot to pack gym shorts, and used that as a very very acceptable excuse to then go home without working out. Do you live 2 blocks from the gym too? Did you also then drink a beer while watching “The Bachelor” on DVR?!?! MY PEOPLE!

In an effort to help all of my fellow Chairmen out there (whoa, who wants to start a “Chairmen” fan club?!?!) I wanted to help you out with things you can watch and listen to while you’re at home and not at the gym but only because you forgot to pack your shorts. Don’t worry, we all know had you packed your shorts, you’d be pounding that treadmill like all those try-hards clogging your Facebook feed with their #NewYearNewMe selifes.

THE JIMMYSCHAIR “DAMN, I FORGOT TO PACK MY GYM SHORTS, AND I CAN’T WORKOUT IN WORK PANTS, SO I’M HEARTBROKEN TO BE FORCED TO JUST GO HOME AND DO THIS INSTEAD” LIST

WATCH THIS: “Bodyguard” (Netflix Show)

The first half of the first episode of this show is, quite possibly, the most exciting first half of an episode of television I have ever seen. Quite? You know what, I’m gonna upgrade that to ‘VERY quite’. Aside from looking to your significant other and saying things like “holy fucking butt!” you will find yourself wondering where the main dude is from. He has one of those “I know you”-faces and it’ll take a minute. Then your wife will look it up on IMDB, even though you ask her to “let me think about it,” and tell you that it’s the Game of Thrones guy! The one that….?! YEAH! THAT ONE!

I know how hard it is to get into a new show these days, with all of the options out there, but this one has an easy litmus test. If you watch the first 15 minutes and aren’t into it, then pull the ripcord because you’re A LOON WHO COULDN’T RECOGNIZE GREAT TELEVISION IF IT SHOT YOU IN THE HEAD LIKE CODY PARKEY SHO—(REDACTED BY JIMMY’S LEGAL TEAM)—and now people are feeling bad for him?!?!?! Sorry, I lost control for a second. Just watch the first 15 minutes of the first episode and judge for yourself.

Oh yeah, quickly, I would like to officially announce that I have flipped my long held belief that watching a show with subtitles STINKS. There’s an exception to that rule: if the main characters have thick accents, subtitles do not stink. In fact, they enhance the viewing experience because you’ll no longer have to rewind every 3.7 seconds when your wife goes “wait, what did he just say?” Trust me, aside from being able to know exactly what Andy Accent just said, you’re also going to avoid many “well maybe if you’d just pay attention and stop looking at your phone, you’d know what he said”-fights with your significant other.

What is the show actually about? Look it up on IMDB. It doesn’t matter, though, I’m telling you it’s good.

LISTEN TO THIS: “Bag Man” (Podcast)

If you’re looking to not think about sports because the kicker for your favorite team recently missed a kick, forcing your favorite team out of the playoffs before they were supposed to be out, and then ended up shooting yo–(REDACTED BY JIMMY’S LEGAL TEAM)–and you’re like, how do people still feel bad for this guy?!?! Then I am BEGGING you to listen to this podcast hosted by Rachel Maddow. Not a fan of Rachel Maddow? First off, that’s a red flag that you’re a red jag (I’m really proud of that line and am going to take a lap around the apartment to celebrate it) but, also, you don’t have to be a fan of hers to enjoy this. However you feel politically, there’s no argument that she has a nice voice. It’s soothing and smart without being too NPR-ish (why does everyone on NPR whisper-talk?!?!)

So you settle in with a smart, soothing voice to help you forget the third workout in a row you’ve missed because you forgot to pack those damn shorts again!!! From there, it’s an incredibly fascinating deep dive into the story surrounding Richard Nixon’s VP (not his wife), Spiro Agnew. Have you heard of this dude before? Oh…you have? Yeah, me too. Totally. Spiro? I thought you said ‘Steven’! Yeah, I know Spiro. It was confusing cuz I was all like “I definitely know a Spiro Agnew, but I don’t know a Steven Agnew.”

Anyway, as we all know, Spiro Agnew, was Nixon’s VP throughout his first term and up until right before the Watergate shit REALLY hit the fan. He ended up resigning because of…well, people weren’t really sure but it seemed like it was kinda related to some minor tax evasion issue. The real story of why he actually resigned was lost in the glut of history, and that’s what this podcast delves into. Why was Spiro Agnew the first VP to ever resign while in office? And, folks, it was not just because of some minor tax evasion charge. We’re talking conspiracy, “I can’t believe this happened in real life”-type shit. It’s intoxicating.

The VP and I listened to this entire series while driving down to Mississippi for Christmas and it made me love sitting in my car for hours on end. Since listening to this podcast, I have been obsessed with everything related to Watergate and Nixon. History repeats itself y’all, and I can’t wait to write a review 20 years from now about “Bag Man 2: Trump Did Bad Stuff!”

COOK THIS: Gorgonzola-Stuffed Steak Roll-Ups

Every year when The VP and I head down to her family’s in Mississippi, I cook a meal for everybody one night. It makes me feel like less of a piece of shit for eating all their food for a week, and The VP gets to offer to help me in front of her Mom (I decline this help because I don’t need help. Ever.) Last year I made Chicken Parmesan and spaghetti, but this year I wanted to step it up a notch; a last ditch effort to get everyone to be impressed with me despite my wardrobe.

So I looked up a fancy recipe and this one was the perfect combination of looking like it took a TON of skill and effort, while not actually taking that much skill or effort. BINGO! Here’s what you do:

–Get a flank steak that’s butterflied. If you get one that’s not butterflied already, GOOD LUCK PAL!

–Sprinkle kosher salt and ground black pepper all over the steak. The higher you hold your hand while sprinkling, the cooler you look.

–Across the middle, line the steak with gorgonzola cheese, fire-roasted chopped red peppers, and arugula. You’re going to roll this shit up, so don’t go nuts with how much of each you put in.

–Time to roll that steak over the cheese, peppers and arugula. This is kinda gross as you really have to manhandle the meat to do this properly, but that’s what badass professional chefs do. Word to the wise; once rolled, you’re going to need to tie this bad boy. Have 6-8 long pieces of kitchen twine cut before you start to roll the steak.

–Once rolled, tie it up with the kitchen twine. Think one tie every 1.5 inches along the length of the steak roll. Tie it especially at the ends of the steak. You’re trying to keep all the gooey cheesiness inside.

–Cut this steak roll into like 4 equal pieces. Make sure not to cut too close to the ties, so as not to undo all the cool badass chef stuff you’ve done already. You’re going to sear these.

–Once cut, get a cast iron skillet SCORCHING hot with olive oil. I’m talking the kind of hot that sets off the smoke alarm in your Ukrainian Village, one-bedroom apartment (just me?) You’re going to sear these steak pinwheels, cut-side down, for about 2 minutes each side. Once done. Pop the skillet with the steak pinwheels into the oven (350 degrees) for about 10 more minutes.

–Take out of the oven, cover with foil on a plate, and let rest for 5 minutes before cutting the twine and serving.

–Serve and act all nonchalant about what you just did.

MY WORLD:

With my head recovering from–(REDACTED BY JIMMY’S LEGAL TEAM)–I wanted to talk about something a little lighter today. And by lighter, I mean food that makes you heavier! I give you the Official 2019 Jimmyschair Fast Food Chain Restaurants Ranking (Pizza not allowed):

McDonald’s: Best chemicals in the game. I’m not debating this.
Chick Fil A: There’s no denying those biscuits. Also, the service is just delightful!
Newks: Southern sandwich/pizza chain. The Newks Q is all I want to eat when I’m visiting the VPs fam. Like, every meal. I’m not exaggerating that I suggest it for every meal.
In-N-Out: I was a hater for no good reason for way too long. The cheeseburger is so good, it doesn’t matter that the fries suck.
Potbelly: Chicken salad sandwich with bacon. FOGETTABOUDIT!
Starbucks: their sandwiches are tremendous. Also, don’t sleep on their chocolate chip cookies.
Taco Bell: Had it for the first time last year. What a revelation. The taco with the Dorito shell is a game-changer.
Kane’s Chicken: Best sauce in the entire universe.
Auntie Anne’s: Limited menu? Yes. But is there a better smell in the world than those pretzels?
Jimmy John’s: Their bread is incredible and has become my go-to sandwich spot when I’m hungover.

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

The VP and I watched “The Bachelor” last night and it was just okay, which is why I didn’t write a full-on review. This season is all about how the bachelor, Colton, is a virgin. It’s weird. There was a part that made me laugh really hard though, and so I recorded it. Chris Harrison, the host, was talking to Colton about how people have reacted to him being a virgin. As Colton went through some insults hurled his way, Chris Harrison forced his way in with a “that you’re not a man!” and it got me REAL GOOD. Enjoy.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When you wake up with a crick in your neck and you have to do weird neck stretches all day that make you look like the bad guy from “Men In Black”.

JIMMY GAMBLES:

I made a bet with a friend of mine that the Cody Parkey will not be on the Bears opening day roster next year. This means that he now has to root for the Bears to keep the person who just ruined the most fun season of the past 10 years. HAVE FUN WITH THAT PAL!

K bye.

MY WORLD:

I remember as a kid how excited I would get around Christmas. As Thanksgiving would pass and all attention would turn to Christmas, my imagination would turn me into one greedy sonofabitch. It was like all I could see were things possible for me to get at Christmas, and the only thing holding back my expectations were…nothing. NOTHING HELD BACK MY EXPECTATIONS. Throw in the two week vacation from school, and all I had was time to dream up what items, my parents surely couldn’t afford, I should receive on Jesus’ bday. (Jimmy the Kid sounds like a bit off a pee-hole…)

Then! THEN! Whenever I was with my parents and around something that I may have wanted for Christmas, I would pretend that I didn’t want it because EVERYTHING had to be a surprise. Like, if I was around a pair of Jordans that I desperately wanted, and my Mom asked me “would you like those for Christmas?” I would just shrug because if I told her, it would ruin the surprise and make her work easier. I didn’t act like this when I was like 6 either, this lasted into my teens. In fact, when I was like 15, I was sure that my parents were getting me a car for Christmas because every 15 year old deserves to learn how to drive on a brand new car. In bed that night, I remember thinking anytime I’d hear a car pass by our house that it may be my new car pulling into the driveway. Mind you, I could see our driveway from my bedroom window, but I refused to look out and ruin the surprise. (So that’s why Jimmy’s parents got him a 1984 Ford Escort Hatchback and his Mom smashed into it with her suburban the first week he had it. EVERYTHING IS COMING TOGETHER!)

When I was a younger person, I would act like an absolute asshole about gifts and what I wanted around Christmas. Imagine going wine shopping with your snooty Aunt Rebecca, who has been on bike trips to Napa with her book club over 4 times (so, 5 times?) Whenever you pick up a bottle and ask if it’s good enough to be included in the wine dinner you’re throwing her, she would suck her lips in and mumble “I don’t know, up to you” in that way where it’s not really up to you, but more of a test to prove how stupid you are. So you just end up picking the second least expensive bottle of a few different styles because…I mean, that’s how you pick wine. You look at the cheapest and go “well, I’m better than that” so you pick up the second cheapest. At the dinner, Aunt Rebecca has a permanent snarl on her face and can’t stop from audibly whispering to anyone sitting around her, what a simpleton you are. That was me. (Time to go look in the mirror and ask yourself “do you like what you see here?” You shouldn’t.)

Therefore, in an effort to never be Aunt Rebecca again, here is what I actually want for Christmas (whoa! How big of Jimmy to just tell people what he wants! THIS IS GROWTH, PEOPLE!!!):

-I would like to not feel the need to have “one more beer” after I get home from being out with friends all night.

Is that beer ever enjoyable? Have you ever woken up and thought “god, I’m really happy I opened that expensive Double IPA and had 4 sips at 12:43 last night!” Few things cause more introspection than picking up three-quarters full Double IPAs the morning after a night out. It’s like finding charred cash just littered around your apartment.

-I would either like The VP of Ops’ birthday to be moved from December 23 to a date in February, or, I would like The VP of Ops to become one of those awesome “I legitimately don’t care about my birthday”-people.

Seriously, either one will do. I would be happy with either (how easy is new Jimmy to buy for?!?!) The stress that comes from being an adult around the holidays is exacerbated when your wife’s bday is 2 days before Christmas and she treats her birthday like the bar exam for how much you love her. She’s open about it too. She’ll say things like “my birthday is really important to me” and “Yes, I am seriously angry that you didn’t call me at 12:01 and wish me a happy 31st birthday.” The reason we have a dog is because I got in trouble for momentarily (MOMENTARILY!) forgetting it was her birthday a few years ago. The only way back into her good graces was to get her a dog…so now we have Belle.

-I would love my apartment building to install one of those electric chair things that I could sit in, press a button and it would take me up and down from my 3rd floor apartment.

You see the growth here? I’m not asking for an elevator or an escalator–those would be unreasonable! But those chairs mostly used for old people and sold through infomercials? No way my building couldn’t afford one of those. Now, I will say that I would also like there to be a rule where I’m the only person in the building that’s allowed to use it. While that may be selfish, that is what I want and asking DIRECTLY for what you want is part of being an adult. So, maybe that shows how mature I’ve become. (That’s a classic Jimmy-switcheroo right there). When we moved into this apartment, I remember thinking and probably saying “we’re young and walking up a few stairs never killed anyone.” A year-plus into carrying groceries up 3 floors of stairs makes me want to find the Jimmy of 15 months ago just so I could spit in his face.

-I would like to never receive paper mail again.

I cannot remember the last time I got something in the snail-mail (cool, funny term, Jimmy!) that was good. It’s either a bill, a “what is this? I’m not going to open it because I’m scared what’s inside”-thing, or a bill masquerading as an “invitation” to something that will take me away from my chair. I check my mail like once a week now because it now takes me a full week of saving up courage to open up and see what’s waiting for me in that checking-account-decimating little metal box.

-I would like someone to take Belle out for walks and bring her back when I’m not looking. Then, when I start getting ready to take her for a walk, The VP says “oh, she was already taken” and I can be surprised that I don’t have to do it every time.

There aren’t many better feelings than when The VP surprises me and says “I’ll take her out this time.” She does take her out sometimes, but it is normally me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Dog walks in the winter are about as enjoyable as chewing on tinfoil. So, instead of asking for The VP to take Belle out on all walks, I would just like someone I never meet to sneak in and take Belle out and bring her back without me seeing. I’d feel guilty and like a sack of shit if The VP was the one taking her out everytime. BUT! If it was some person I never had to see or pay or thank, then I wouldn’t feel guilty. AND! The feeling I’d get from The VP telling me “oh, she was already taken out” would power me through the darkest, coldest winter nights. Is there a feeling better than grabbing the leash and going to put on your snow boots only to hear that you don’t have to? I THINK NOT!

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I really like this band and I really like this song. It’s a little slow, but perfect for winter. Why? I don’t know, just feels wintery.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When you make chili and see that people have frozen it before so you do that and then a week later you look in your freezer and your chili is covered in mold and you’re like “but, food network said…”

JIMMY GAMBLES:

Not good. Like really guys, not good at all.

(My account is currently at $0.00)

K bye.

Tag: holidays

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