Tag: moms

New Shows and Mother’s Day (5/9/18)

MY WORLD:

There is some super big news in the world of The VP and I.  Are you ready for it?  (YOU’RE NOT!)  We started “Game of Thrones”.  That sound? That’s a bomb hitting the earth by your dumpy apartment and exploding RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!

Having not watched this show since it came out, The VP and I have been subjected to far too many “you’ve got to be kidding me”s, “what is wrong with you?”s, and passionate anger about how people “can’t even talk to you.”  It’s been hard, but thankfully, we’re tough-minded individuals who had to wait until now to prove to everyone that we wouldn’t simply bend to peer pressure.  We’re watching the show now because it’s right for US, and NOT because all of my friends have been making fun of me for years (but like, guys? do you think I’m cool again?)  

I’m obviously lying.  Remember, if I do that here, I come clean REAL quick (as in, next-paragraph-quick).  We’re watching it because I’m jealous of all the fun-sounding convos my friends get to have about this show.  Even not watching the show, I remember people getting emotional the day after when talking about dragons and weddings and Jon Snow (John? Jahn? Jan?)  Nothing is ruined for me, but I have a very slight whiff of what’s to come.  Over the past few years when my friends talk about the show, I’ve felt like a prisoner looking through bars at a field where families enjoy the sunny day on a playground (there’s gotta be one prison that overlooks a playground, right?  Maybe not actually.  I’M TRYING TO PAINT A PICTURE!)  

Why didn’t I get into it until now, then? I was scared.  Guys, I was so scared.  It’s 7 seasons and I’m not a sci-fi guy and I’d heard that there are like TEN TRILLIONBILLION characters and storylines.  Remember, I’m a “Bar Rescue” and “Vanderpump Rules” guy–shows with storylines that most wouldn’t describe as “hard to follow” (Bar Rescue storylines: Dirty Bar + Lazy Owner = Angry Jon Taffer.  Vanderpump Rules storylines: Alcohol + Insecure People = Sleeping with an ex in a parking garage.)  Also, convincing The VP of Ops to watch a show that doesn’t involve true crime OR an overdramatized cheating scandal requires some serious negotiations on my part.  A few days in, and she seems to like it…although, I do have to watch her out of the corner of my eye to make sure she’s not scrolling through Instagram on her phone.  (Are we the only ones who yell at each other when one of us catches the other checking their phone while watching one of “our” shows?  Hook a mic up outside our apartment door and most nights all you’ll hear is us yelling “PHONE!” every 9 minutes.)  

Now that we’re beginning to knock out “Game of Thrones” I’ll plan to write some reactions to the big episodes as we go through them.  I figure it’ll allow anyone reading this to re-live these episodes through The VP and I’s experience of them.  Don’t worry, I’ll put big bold *SPOILER ALERT* warnings ahead of them for people like we USED to be; too scared to commit.

Real quick, here are some other shows that I/we haven’t watched yet, that I feel similar guilt about.  “Game of Thrones” was number 1 in terms of “I feel guilty I haven’t watched ____”, here is the rest of the top 5:

2)  “Breaking Bad”:  I can already hear you yelling “OH, COME ON!” at your computer screen.  Here’s the deal; I watched the first couple seasons when Erin and I were first dating.  Then we got serious, and had to watch shows together because of LOVE!  LOVE! LOVE! CUDDLES! So we found ourselves in a pickle where I didn’t want to re-watch the first few seasons, and she didn’t want to start in the middle of the series so….now, neither of us watch it and we try not to talk about it in public too much because YOU’RE ALL JERKS!

3)  “The Wire”:  Wait! WAIT!  I did watch the first season of this show and then the same thing that happened with “Breaking Bad” and The VP happened with “The Wire”.  Guys, it’s all her fault.  We still cool-man-bros?  YEAAAAAAHHHH WE AHHHHH!  Women, amirite?!?! (Babe, they made me do it.  You know I care about you more than those dumb guys.  Can’t wait to start “Southern Charm” or “Below Deck” before ever getting back into “The Wire” again!)

4)  “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”:  PUT ME DOWN!  I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON’T PUT ME DOWN, I’M GONNA TELL MY DAD!  Okay, listen, I’ve watched a few episodes of this show and I enjoyed it.  I’m not going to lie, though, and tell you that it’s on the same comedy level as “Seinfeld”, “The Office” or even “Parks & Rec”.  My friends and people I don’t even know on the street will CONSTANTLY throw a “you remember that episode of ‘Always Sunny’ when….”–and, you know what? I normally lie and nod my head and toss a few courtesy laughs their way.  It just isn’t worth the whole ordeal of me telling them that I’ve seen less than 10 episodes of the show.  Full disclosure: The VP got me into this show more than I was before we were dating, so direct all your anger about this away from her and towards me.

5)  “The Walking Dead”:  Guess what? I don’t feel guilty about this at all because zombies are overdone and all the promos to this show look like the actors just came out of the “disheveled but still has really cool hair”-machine.  PASS!

OUR WORLD:

This is a friendly reminder that Mother’s Day is this Sunday and, therefore, you have 3 days left to procrastinate on getting a gift.  (Every guy reading this just texted their sister/wife/girlfriend/friend-who-is-a-girl/that-girl-who-you-work-with looking for gift ideas.)  Mom, I love you very very much, but I must confess for all men in their 20s and 30s that these are the steps we take to find your gift:

-Text any girl we are close with “what should I get my mom for mother’s day?”:  They’ll probably respond with something that’s too expensive or too general like “just some nice flowers!” that you think would scream “last minute gift”.  Therefore, pretty much no matter what they respond, we’re not going to get that thing.

-Google “Mother’s Day Gifts”:  More flowers and candy?  BE MORE ORIGINAL GOOGLE!

-Tell ourselves that we’ll “figure it out”:  This is also known as “forgetting about it for 4 days until freaking out the day of.”  Normally, about 4 days before Mother’s Day-when we still haven’t gotten anything-a girl in our lives will ask what we’re getting and we’ll snarl a “I’ll figure it out” back at them.  Here’s the rub, though: we probably won’t.

-Call our siblings and decide to contribute money to a group gift:  The tough thing with this is that ONE SIBLING needs to take the lead here.  They need to present a compelling argument for what gift we should all get and have it be a reasonable price.  If there’s conflict in this discussion (hint: there ALWAYS is) then negotiations may fall apart immediately.  If there is agreement, then that ONE SIBLING has to go get the gift him or herself and be totally okay with sharing credit with the others when they present the gift to Mom.  Normally, the sibling who took the lead AND got the gift will throw in some passive aggressive mention of how they did EVERYTHING (and, therefore, should be loved more than the rest). 

-If all else fails, flowers:  Seriously, if you’re just giving your Mom flowers you might as well include an “I suck at planning ahead” card with them.  I don’t care what Mom’s say, they’re pissed when they get flowers from their children.  I get it; I would be too.  (But Mom, remember that time I got your FAVORITE flowers? That was totally different.)

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

This is a dumb, young person song that I like.  It makes me happy and feel cool.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Walking your dog in the rain and then them shaking off dry in your apartment before you can get a towel on them.

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

Took a couple of LAME backdoor covers right on the chin last night.  Tonight?  The Celtics aren’t losing a close out game at home.  NOT HAPPENING!

(My account currently at $118.68)

K bye.

Easter and Being Inappropriate in Church

MY WORLD:

Happy Good Friday my sweet lil babies!!!  Who is excited for Easter this weekend?  For my siblings and I, Easter means going to church for one of the two times we go a year. (I legitimately thought about not writing this because I think there’s a chance we’re not going to church this year, and I don’t want to make my Mom feel bad about that…I may actually block my Mom from reading this post.) We’re an Irish Catholic bunch, but our Dad is JEW (saying that word aggressively is funny and not offensive because it’s my Dad) so he used to taunt us as we’d trudge our way out to church on Sunday mornings.  I specifically remember him sitting on the couch watching NFL Countdown when I was a kid.  He was the happiest he was ALL week and would wave excitedly at me saying “have fun at church!” as I contemplated suicide on my way to Sunday School and missing the first half of the Bears game.  If you’re a HUGE football fan, marrying someone of another religion, one that requires them being away for most of Sunday morning, is an absolutely genius move.  Well done, Dad.

As miserable as going to church and Sunday School was as a kid, going now with adult siblings is actually pretty fun because we get to make our Mom made and she can’t really do anything to us!  Making people mad is so much fun, guys.  As a kid, church was sitting in the pews and kneeling and being quiet and praying and standing for HOURS as the Priest drags on and on about how scary hell is and JESUS H CHRIST THIS IS BORING!  Now, though, as adults we get there purposefully late because my brothers and I get real quiet in the house as my Mom gets ready….like, “don’t say anything and maybe she won’t notice we’re gonna be late to church”-every time we go.  Thankfully, our Mom runs late.  She’ll normally burst out of her room saying good Catholic things like “SHIT!” as she rushes us all into the car.  My bros and sister and I share a “we did it!” glance on our way outside.

On the drive to church, my two brothers and I are probably making fun of our sister because she’s tougher than us but…ya know, a GIRL.  We pull up to the church and our Mom speed walks to the backdoor while we saunter behind cuz we bad y’all!  Who ‘dem bad boys?!?! WE ‘DEM BAD BOYS Y’ALL!!!  Our Mom will then look back and say something like “come on damnit” and we’ll get kinda scared for a second and hurry in.

When you arrive late to our church you have to stand in the WAY back, and my brothers and I love this because it means we can lean against a wall!  Walls!  Leaning!  This also means that we can whisper inappropriate jokes to each other the ENTIRE time.  These church services are easily our finest comedic hours.  It’s really like we save all our best material for these hours because A) Church is forever boring, sorry God but it’s true, and B) nothing is funnier than making your religious Mom laugh OR get mad at you for inappropriate jokes during church.  As Mass begins, our Mom and sister will move about 8 feet ahead of Brothers Pomerantz Limited (BPL) to prove that real Catholics don’t need walls to lean on.  Meanwhile, BPL will immediately begin getting inappropriate…normally, at the expense of some little kid dressed like a baby back bitch.

Some of the other targets of our deep, sick burns include:

-Teenage boys who tried WAY too hard trying too look like preppy stockbrokers.  I want to try to replicate the deep burns we’d nail these doofuses with, but you had to be there.  Trust me, they were deep and they were sick burns.

-Little kids doing dumb stuff is always an easy target.  We normally stand near the door to the bathroom door, so we get a real kick out of kids not understanding why a door is locked and then proceeding to BANG on it until it opens.  It’s also intensely funny whenever a kid budges a line of adults waiting for the bathroom, but none of the adults feel comfortable enough to say anything so they just let it happen.

-Hungover college kids with bed head and super wrinkled khakis.  Sometimes you can smell the fireball-sweats from across the room, but normally we’ll throw some “hang in there buddy” head nods his/her way.

-Girls who are dressed WILDLY inappropriate for church.  Like, the ones that wear their Friday-night-going-to-the-club-to-make-my-ex-jealous-dress.  You can feel all the adult women judging THE SHIT out of them, and the Dads are all like “what girl?” (use the side-eye dude).  Normally, one of my brothers will throw in a “yeah, but what if…” in the middle of our jokes because they’re contemplating hitting on a stranger in front of the Lord.  (Hitting on people in church is something that BPL has spoken about at length, and we just don’t think it’s really possible.  Does that mean we’ll stop talking about it?  Of course not.  But, it’s just not in our cards.)

-Angry dads; the ones with undiagnosed, but OBVIOUS anger issues.  Normally, their kids are really well-dressed and seemingly well behaved.  Then, one of the kids will do something awful like accidentally burp, and Daddy RageFit will burst into a clenched-teeth “KNOCK IT OFF DAMNIT!” full-on outburst with his eyes bulging and his wife moving another 6 inches away.  For comedy’s sake, BPL always fantasizes about trying to prod Daddy RageFit into an actual church-fight, but then we get ahold of ourselves and realize that getting our asses kicked in church would only be funny for like 2 seconds.

Of course, there are wild card targets that appear throughout the duration of the mass (people wearing jeans, smelly old ladies, the handshake guy who nobody knows) but these are the go-tos that we can expect at every mass.  This year, I’m hoping we don’t have to go cuz….ughhh, just like COME ON MOMMMMM!  But if we do, mark my words that BPL will make it VERY uncomfortable for anyone actually trying to impress the big man upstairs.

OUR WORLD:

It’s Good Friday and I have written many many words this week so my brain is fried….DON’T EAT MEAT TONIGHT GUYS!  (Yes, The VP and I have resos at a fancy steak place tonight, but we made these resos like 4 months ago and so our meat consumption doesn’t count.  ALSO!  We’re using a wedding gift card that’s about to expire, so doesn’t count times 2.  Suck it nerds.)

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Salute to all the Church Daddy’s in jorts.

Jorts

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Huge fan of Easter candy but NOT the bunny circus peanut thingys.  Major Yucko Alert!

brachs_easter_marshmallow_chicks_and_rabbits_ff_130708.jpg

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

Saved my many many dollars last night because this weekend is when Jimmy Gambles COMES FOR FUCKING BLOOD!!!

(My account currently at $73.12)

K bye.