Sunday TV Binge Shows and Why Angry Wives Are So Funny (3-19-18)

OUR WORLD:

Yesterday was a day of rest for The VP of Ops and I. Perched in our assigned living room spots, me on my chair (it’s a real thing, this chair, and we’ve developed feelings…real feelings) and The VP on our couch. (While I love my chair, I will say that not being able to lay sideways on days like yesterday is something I never planned for when claiming my spot as the chair. This was a slight miscalculation on my part, but I have learned from it and plan to revisit the “assigned seat” negotiating table once we buy our next couch.)

Aside from the occasional “you okay?”-head tilt towards the other, we were busy dealing with our own Post-St. Patty’s-Day-issues. Self talk (breathe Jimmy. Wait…that’s not how breathing works! HOW DOES BREATHING WORK!?!?!) and awkward positions on your assigned living room seat is what Sundays like this are all about. How many times did you get kinda excited and think “I’m actually not that bad!” only to get up and have your brain start smashing the eject button from inside your skull. Zero? Yeah, me too. Cool cool coolio!

Anyways, we’ve all been here and aside from ordering food that’s not going to taste as good as you think it’s going to, binge watching television shows is the only tonic. For us, yesterday was “Peaky Blinders” all day, and it got me thinking…what are the best “Sleepy Sunday” binge-worthy tv shows? *This list is not BEST TV shows, it’s shows that have the ability to soothe your hangover. Maybe you’ve watched them before, but that’s okay, these shows are like your blankie or dirty old stuffed animal rabbit that you got when you were born and still sleep with (hand up).

Lets call this our “Top Sleepy Ti Ti Shows” (you know, cuz you’re sleepy and tired…SLEEPY TI TI!):

The Office: Number one with a bullet. Do I even have to say it’s the American version? I remember when news hit that they were making an American version of “The Office” and I was such a snooty film-school dick about it. “No way it can recreate the subtle moments the way Ricky Gervais did!” Pssshaw! This, my friends, is called a “wrong take”. Steve Carrell as Michael Scott is the best television character of all time (mean this a billion percent) and getting to watch the prime of this character is the chicken noodle soup of television. You know what it’s going to be, yet, somehow, you still love every second of it. (What an analogy!!! Hey! Let’s add that as a section! YOU’RE DOING IT!). *FOOD ANALOGY = CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP
The O.C.: I just wrote and then deleted the following…”I’m not even embarrassed about this pick.” That means I’m embarrassed about this pick. I blame The VP of Ops and her powerful influence over my brain for this but let me say this fellas: you watched the first couple seasons of this show when it first came out, and you loved it. DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME! NOT TODAY! NOT ON JIMMYSCHAIR! This show holds up better than you think it does. Seth is still funny. Rachel Bilson is still a babe (see guys? that’s a cool-dude thing to say. Babes.) And Ryan still pulls off the white tank look even though, according to all your research, that is not possible. Remember that super simple sandwich that was your favorite as a kid? You haven’t had one since you were 11. This show is like that sandwich. Try making one, I bet you’ll remember why you loved it. *FOOD ANALOGY = SALAMI SANDWICH ON WHITE WONDER BREAD
Parks and Rec: A close cousin to “The Office” for sure, but why should we hold that against this show? I feel like every time I bring this show up, there’s kind of a “yeah, but it’s not The Office”-cloud over it. It’s not “The Office”, but it’s almost as funny. Fat Chris Pratt > Jurassic World Chris Pratt. Can someone get Chris Pratt out of the gym because he was well on his way to being a comedy megastar. He’s fine as an action dude, but I like comedies more than action movies so…DO WHAT I SAY! Andy Dwyer is new-age Chris Farley and Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson makes you want to grow a mustache and be surly to all your co-workers. This show is a good chip. It’s not KING CHIP. It might be the same brand as KING CHIP, but it’s a different flavor. *FOOD ANALOGY = BUFFALO BLEU KETTLE CHIP’S
Friday Night Lights: Binging dramas can be difficult. This show would be higher on just a list of favorite shows of all-time, but it still places as rewatchable because Coach Taylor is my idol. I don’t even say that as a joke anymore. When we first watched it, I’d say “I wanna be Coach Taylor” to the VP with like a smirk. Like, I was sending that thought out as a trial balloon. But with distance, comes perspective and I think I actually want to become the fictional coach from “Friday Night Lights”. I would like to coach High School football in Texas. Did I play? I mean, not really, but…I like football a WHOLE BUNCH! Guys, A WHOLE BUNCH! Also, I think I can pull off the gruff, kinda moody, kinda nice, kinda mean, but..oh wait…he’s tough too-type of persona. Also, not to brag, but I pull off mid-length socks and khaki shorts like I was born in ’em. This show is truly aspirational much the way a complicated rice dish is. Much the way I think I could actually become Coach Taylor, you think you won’t fuck up the rice in that complicated, yet delicious looking rice-based dish. You will fuck up the rice. *FOOD ANALOGY = COMPLICATED RICE-BASED DISH
Arrested Development: The new seasons on Netflix don’t count. Seriously, do not tell me that “they’re actually pretty good”. I don’t believe you and I don’t care. The original first 3 seasons of this show are so damn smart and funny that they’re all that matters here. Cool thing about binging this show is that you can get through those first 3 seasons in a reasonable amount of time. It’s not going to take your life over. The most fun debate to have about this show is to ask your friends who their fave character is. The easy answer is Gob, but guess what? THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S WRONG! Jesus H, I’m so tired of trying to sound smarter than I actually am and picking someone other than Gob for fave character. “You see, the thing with George Michael that everyone overlooks is-“SHUT UP JIMMY! It’s Gob. Convo over. You’re not that smart. I’m aware you can make the case for Tobias, but uhhhhhhh NO. And if you even bring Michael into this arena you will be hanged at the behest of the king (me. I’m the king here. King Chair). This show is so damn funny and I’ve seen it so many times, but I still find little moments that I missed. It’s like ordering trying a new item or condiment from a fast food restaurant you go to all the time…and being impressed with it. *FOOD ANALOGY = MCDONALD’S BUFFALO SAUCE (my new KING SAUCE for Chicken Nuggy’s. Game changer, guys. Game changer.)

That’s the list.

MY WORLD:

I shaved my facial hair into a mustache this weekend because getting under The VP of Ops’ skin is really fun for me. That was the reason. I don’t think it looks good. In fact, I know it does not look good, and I’m not secure enough to try to convince people that I don’t care about that (although, I DEFINITELY did that this weekend. I got a few “it actually doesn’t look that bad”s from friends and I lied when I responded “dude, I don’t even care. I just think it’s funny.” I cared. I care.)

stache *not gonna lie, shades and stache are a solid combo

I did this a few weeks back when The VP of Ops was out of town for the weekend and my brother thought it was funny. That was fun. When the VP got back in town, she recoiled at the sight of me and my stache. I ended up shaving it before going into work that Monday because I was nervous about having to act like debuting a mustache wasn’t a big deal to me. (Oh this thing? God, I totally forgot I even had it. I don’t know..just felt like it. How do I think it looks? I don’t even care.) I’m so not that guy. (DAMNIT! CAN I PLEASE BE THAT GUY SOMEDAY? GOD? PLEASE! I WANNA BE THE “WHATEVER” GUY! THEY’RE SO COOL! NOTHING BOTHERS THEM! THEY JUST SAY “WHATEVER” AND SMOKE ANOTHER CIGARETTE!) I am, unfortunately for The VP of Ops, the “This Pisses My Wife Off, So It’s Hilarious”-guy.

It’s why I tie light jackets around my waist in the fall and early spring. Is it comfortable and convenient? Yes, of course. But, it also causes The VP to give me the side-eye and whisper something to me like “really? You’re really doing that in public next to me?” Uh….yeah babe! I’m doing this to you in public. (I like to laugh! So sue me!) It’s why I wear sunglasses that are like a 4 on the looks scale. Do I want to buy cool-guy shades from a designer that my hipster brother told me about? Yes. But then The VP wouldn’t be moderately embarrassed to introduce me-wearing my gas station hotboi shades-to a friend of hers I’d yet to meet. WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT?!?!

Now, because I am having so much fun thinking of all the times I have done something with the primary goal being to make The VP of Ops uncomfortable/mad/embarassed at me..I will be debuting a new section to my Monday blogs from here on out. The section will be called “The Time I Made Myself Laugh By Making The Vp of Ops Mad or Uncomfortable”. Look forward to a full-on story next Monday and many Monday’s from here on out. In the meantime, I look forward to brainstorming new ways to accomplish this…cuz there are like a lot of Monday’s in the future of the world AND I GOTTA GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to run through a brick wall right about now.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I just hate this fucking song. Remember when it was super popular? What the fuck was that all about?

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

I’m not going to lie to you guys, this NCAA tournament has been an unmitigated disaster for my gambling account and…life. Like, the amount of new deposits I’ve made into this account are nearing the “is this actually impacting my life”-zone. It’s scary and kind of invigorating all at the same time. I am saving my remaining balance, however, for this Thursday’s games when the tourney returns. That’s the plan at least…stay tuned.

(My account currently at $28.21)

K bye.

March Madness and Sunday Groceries

OUR WORLD:

The NCAA Tournament starts Thursday. Actually, it starts like Tuesday with these ridiculous “Play-In” games that nobody cares about except…ME! OMG GUYS, I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THEM THIS YEAR! Ucla plays St. Bonaventure on Tuesday and I’m terrified because I kinda remember hearing someone talk about “The Bonnies!” like 8 years ago during March Madness, and that makes me think they’re gonna pound UCLA. And that, my friendos, is why this time of year is just lovely. EVERYBODY IS ABOUT TO JOIN ME IN THE GAMBLING POOL AND SHARE THEIR RIDICULOUS REASONS FOR PICKING CERTAIN “SLEEPERS”! (Except, they’re not ridiculous if you have a system and my system is SO due to work that anyone in a gambling pool with me this year should just Venmo me their money now. Guys, I’m coming for fucking blood this year.)

As we all know, I do place wagers from time to time because I’m a gentleman and need a release from the endless, overwhelming stresses of adulthood that cause some people to do crack cocaine under a bridge. I’m not doing crack cocaine under a bridge, okay? So, how ’bout ya fuckin cool it with the personalized “gambling is bad for Jimmy” PSA’s? I REPEAT, I AM NOT DOING CRACK COCAINE UNDER A BRIDGE! (Real talk, I don’t know what “doing crack cocaine” really means…Smoking I think? But, you snort cocaine so…you snort smoke? Yep, got it. Thanks guys.) Now that we’ve established that gambling IS part of a healthy lifestyle, I would like to share with you how I pick the games in the NCAA tourney.

First, I would like to point out that I went 6 for 7 on NCAA bball picks this past weekend. I am aware that you may be skeptical, but there is proof in my bovada account. Therefore, it is official that I. AM. BACK. The best teams put it together when it counts, and that’s exactly what I have done. Credit to me for sticking with it and ignoring the haters. As Rocky Balboa said, in the feature film Rocky Balboa: “It ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” (I sent a GIF with this quote on Saturday morning because it was truly inspiring).

Second, this time of year is a dangerous time of year because gambling RUBES think it’s their turn to share all their “secrets” because they won a work pool six years ago. The VP of Ops is one of these people, and I have had it! She placed 2nd or maybe 3rd in a work pool a couple years back or, as she puts it, she “Won”. (Uhhhh, no ya didn’t.) Therefore, she has felt it necessary to remind me that she picked Villanova when nobody else did (even though they were a favorite and many many people definitely picked them), so I should now listen to her gambling methods. Seriously, within the past 36 hours, The VP of Ops has reminded me that she “won” (aka didn’t win) her work pool at least 19 billion thousand times. I GET IT! She’ll then recall her thought process when she picked Villanova as “ya’ know, I just heard someone say their name and I liked the way it sounded.” Oh, you did? Did you hear Jay Bilas say “Villanova is a one seed and, thus, a favorite to win the whole thing?” and then pick them?!?! IT WASN’T THAT GREAT OF A PICK! JESUS H, SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM THIS HELLSCAPE!!!!

Now that we’ve established that I’m back and The VP of Ops should pipe down with her “tips”, here is how I go about picking teams in the NCAA Tourney:

1) Do they have a player that I have heard is going to be a high NBA draft pick? If yes, they’re going to win at least 2 rounds. If they don’t, then it falls into a whole other category of research. This year, the teams that fall into this category include: Oklahoma (Trae Young), Arizona (Deandre Ayton), Duke (Marvin Bagley), Missouri (Michael Porter Jr.), Alabama (Colin Sexton). I know there are other top prospects, but these are the ones I’ve heard of the most sooooo…..LOCK IT IN!

2) Did I watch them play and win at least one game within the past 2 weeks? If yes, I’m probably going to pick them “because they look good”. That team for me this year is MOS DEF Kentucky. I watched them beat Tennessee yesterday (and win me some stinky, sweaty money) and folks, lemme tell ya’, they’re gonna make some noise. Why? Happy, you asked…because they looked good. (They may end up playing Arizona in the second round and my brain hurts trying to think of what I’ll do in that sitch.)

3) Identify the team that BONES you every year, and attempt to pick their games the opposite of what you think will actually happen. Michigan State is this team for me EVERY. GODDAMN. YEAR. When I pick them to go deep, they get bounced in the first round. When they’re my upset special, they make it to the Final Four and I get to watch endless stories about how close Tom Izzo is with his “guys”. Guess what? This year, if I think they’re gonna win, picking them to lose. That’s called fighting fire with fire, kids.

4) Don’t pick the favorite to win it all. Pick like the 3rd or 4th most likely team. You’ve got to plan ahead and assume that some stuff hasn’t gone your way in the early goings of the tourney. How do you make this up? By picking a team that not everyone has picked to win it all. This year, everyone and their dumb mom is gonna pick Duke. Don’t pick Duke. (I kinda wanna pick Duke).

5) Find a traditional football school that you’re surprised is a high seed and BET THE HOUSE against them. This one’s the best, guys. Works almost every time. This year, you can pick from: Texas Tech, Auburn, and Tennessee. One, but probably all, are going down early because, like, get fuckin’ real guys.

And that’s it. I would say I wish you all tremendous amounts of luck as you venture into the gambling paradise that is March Madness, but I don’t wish that. I hope you lose. I hope I win.

P.S. If you see The VP of Ops over the next 3 days, ask her about the time she picked Villanova. She’ll light up and immediately start telling you every single detail about why she picked them. As she starts to do this, put your hand in her face and say something cool like “long hair, don’t care,” then walk away. Do this for me. Thank you.

MY WORLD:

My underrated favorite part of the weekend is doing my weekly grocery shopping on Sunday afternoon. It’s a grownup thing that I’ve really only started doing in the past year-ish, but it has become my preferred method of getting over the last remnants of a hangover/avoiding the Sunday Scaries for another hour. My grocery shopping routine, however, includes an endless inner-dialogue where I’m constantly talking myself out of buying the unhealthier (but way tastier) options.

For instance, the grocery store that I go to the most has the produce section right when I walk in. I’ll grab bananas (NANAS!), brussels sprouts, broccoli, potatoes, some sort of lettuce, and maybe a big fruit that requires carving for The VP of Ops (this fruit will 100% get old and rot before The VP ever cuts into it. I will remind her of this CERTAINTY before we buy it, but she is forceful that “won’t happen this time”. It will. It always does.) By the time, we get through the end of the produce section, we are feeling great about our healthy cart. Someone will pass me with a cart full of carbs and I’ll shoot them a “check this shit out”-look. The proud parade of a healthy cart, however, begins to slow as we hit the bakery section.

This is so mean when grocery stores put the bakery at the end of the produce section. They lull you into thinking you’re healthy and then BAM, donut smells. I normally make some sort of borderline-sexual purring sound, to which The VP responds: “don’t look don’t look don’t look.” I want smash my fat face into the donuts and cookies and cakes and breads and I WANNA DIE IN THERE! I WANT TO DIE IN THE MARIANO’S BAKERY! Somehow, miraculously, I don’t buy anything. It’s a triumph. I’ll look at The VP and we’ll share a smile as if to say “We made it.” It’s sweet.

But then the fucking cheese section hits. This a black hole for The VP. I’ll normally lose her in the soft cheese section. She’ll grab a hunk (term? no idea) of way-too-expensive soft cheese and just look at me. She’s hoping I say yes, but scared that I will at the same time. During the period of Chubby Jimmy, I said yes to soft cheeses too much. Reminder: soft cheese is a gateway drug to the cracker aisle, a seemingly-innocuous aisle that kills many-a-skinny people. I say no to these cheeses now. The VP kinda pouts, but deep down is happy I’m such a magnificent influence (ME!).

Once clear of the bakery and cheese section, we’re safe for a while. Chicken, pork and steaks dive into the cart because they don’t have carbs and healthy people talk a lot about protein so…they’re all good for us. MEAT! Sometimes, The VP will try to talk us into buying salmon, but salmon at home stinks. Real talk, I love salmon at a restaurant every now and then, but cooking it at home is A) gross, cuz fishy’s feel slimy, and B) the worst because your place smells like fish for the next 43 hours minimum. No fishy.

Dairy section includes milk for coffee, butter for muffy and the occasional egg purchase if I’m feeling extra ambitious about cooking breakfast for myself that week (these eggs normally meet the same fate as VPs big fruit. Straight trash homie.) The VP may toss some yogurt in our cart, triggering my gag reflex HARD. Yogurt makes a nasty sound when you swirl it and has the consistency of my nightmares. I would rather be in a small room with angry ex-cons than be next to ANYBODY eating yogurt. Seriously, eat yogurt alone in a closet. It’s disgusting.

The final hurdles for me are the soda and chip aisles. Technically, we don’t HAVE to go down either aisle, but I’m a man of intrigue…and these aisles intrigue me. Since watching some way-too-real Katie Couric food documentary, we can’t drink soda anymore. Evidently, it’s like poison. (Thanks for ruining my life Katie!) We’ll make our way to La Croix and try convince ourselves that all the flavors don’t basically taste the same (god, they’re disappointing). The whole time, though, I’m remembering the guilt-free good old days where I’d drink Coke Zero and Diet Mountain Dew to my heart’s desire. A faint smile will cross my face and I’ll look up to the stars cuz that’s what you do when you remember happy times. Then The VP will dump a case of peach-pear La Croix bullshit into our cart and I’ll come crashing back down to reality. Katie Couric can go STRAIGHT to hell.

Final aisle on the way to the register is the chip aisle and….ohhhhhh momma! Doritos, Salt & Vins, Ruffles! Guys, Lays! They have all of them! Again, another aisle I don’t need to go down, but I will convince myself that I really need the butter-free popcorn at the end of the aisle just so I can walk and fantasize. Can some scientist somewhere just take a break from space stuff and focus on creating a pill that makes chips good for you? Honestly, it’s ridiculous that this hasn’t been invented yet. Ridiculous!

The register is the finish line. Chubby Jimmy used to grab a York peppermint patty for the ride home, but no longer! Now, I just plan the Sunday Night drinks menu in my head as The VP and I discuss whether it’s a “Documentary” or “Peaky Blinders” kinda-night. Sunday Scaries creep in…and now it’s Monday and we’re all sad.

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Inspiration in it’s purest form: (with spanish subtitles because I don’t know why)

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Top 10 Villain Face

Devos

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

I’m hot guys. We all knew I’d get there, and I’m there. Sitting out tonight to save my strength and gambling intellect for the rest of this week. It’s gonna be a long one, guys. Get your 8 hours.

(My account currently at $59.11)

K bye.