Mindless Television and “The Chicago Reset”

OUR WORLD:

You know it’s an especially sad state of affairs when you find yourself searching for a television show and the number one quality you’re looking for is a show “that doesn’t require much effort.” Usually, this comes after having eaten two mini-brownies, putting on the same pair of mesh shorts you’ve been wearing at night for the past two months and letting out sigh that really sounded more like “oooooof.” (Was it even a ‘sigh’ then?!?!) When the physicality of SITTING is too much if it also includes having to use your brain for more than four seconds at a time, things are GOING ON. Over the past few months, I have found myself in this position. (Sitting? Yeah, we know Jimmy.)

This thing happens when you get back into snacking, baked goods and allowing yourself to go into “fuck it”-mode, where all you want out of a television show are some bright lights, gentle smiles and OBNOXIOUSLY SIMPLE STORYLINES. I think this is why Food Network and HGTV exist, but I have found other shows that fit the bill. Thus, I give you the Jimmyschair “I’m Too Lazy To Watch A Show That Makes Me Use My Brain Even A Little Bit”-Television Show Rankings:

5) “The Voice”

It’s a show revolving around people singing, other people pushing a button that means “good singing” and a guy whose haircut changes every commercial break. “The Voice” has a hypnotic quality to it that is kicked off with that person? woman? group of people? Proclaiming “This is…THE VOICE!” every time you go in and out of commercial. It’s almost like they know they’re aiming for the people that have gotten too into baked goods recently and are going in and out of a carbohydrate daze. Every seven minutes, when they find their eyes beginning to shutter, they’re SHOCKED with a “THIS IS THE VOICE!” I’m pretty sure while watching this, I’ve turned to the person in the room with me and nodded after hearing this. Like, “hey, this is The Voice, they’re right.”

Once your set in knowing what you’re watching (thanks to the constant reminders) your lazy brain gets to scan Twitter and Instagram aimlessly while listening to contestants you’ll never see again, do their best “I’m more than a karaoke star”-rendition of “Shallow.” You’ll catch yourself thinking for a second that it’s Lady Gaga, look up to see that it’s not, and then listen a teensy bit closer so you can make some insightful critique like “got pitchy there.” (I don’t know what ‘pitchy’ means, but The VP of Ops says it and she did music stuff in high school. So…yeah, I use it.)

If you zone out while refreshing Instagram for the 856th time in the last nine minutes, and forget to listen long enough to decide whether Sally Soprano sang that Train song well enough to advance, just wait to hear the big “boooosh” sound the buttons make when the judges hit them. Did the producers know that the audience would be paying as little attention as possible? “Hey, just incase they don’t see the big buttons light up and the chairs turn around, let’s add a big, dumb sound effect!” (Thank you producers.)

If that’s not an easy enough show for you to follow, then just enjoy the hair stylings of Adam Levine. Every time the show comes back from commercial break, turn to the person next to you and say “he change his hair every time they go to break?” You’ll get a half chuckle and that’s all you’re really looking for.

4) Local News

The local news knows you don’t go outside very much. (Wait…do they have spies? WHO’S THERE?!?!) Why else do you think they make the entire show all about the weather segment? A couple quick hits about some horrible things going on not-that-far-from-where-you-are-sitting are softened because the guy telling you these things is, for some reason, smiling while reading the teleprompter. So you’re not sad, but more sure than ever that you’re in a legitimate sugar stupor (shooting is bad, but smiling is good…so….it’s okay?)

But what every local newscast is REALLY about, is the weather segment. The weather person has the most charisma of the anchors (that’s a low bar….OUCH!) and they know that the people watching have been looking out their window for hours, going “I think it’s gonna rain soon, better stay in.” So every segment teases what everyone watching is really waiting for. “Don’t worry, we’re going to tell you soon that it’s okay that you’ve stayed inside for the last 13 weeks!” I also think that’s why in the forecasts, the Weatherperson always says “with a chance of rain.” It traps the tubbos inside–fearful of even the slightest chance of being pierced with one of those water droplet things. (I’M HIT!!!!)

3) House Hunters

You’re sitting in a house-like thing (does a one-bedroom apartment count as a house?) and you get to watch people looking at house-like things while making judgements like “I really don’t like this backsplash.” Riveting and exactly what you’re looking for. Impossibly easy to follow, featuring narration by a lady with a very soothing voice and starring two people where one is ALWAYS obnoxious. (The casting director has to have so much fun telling that person, “hey, you’re the obnoxious one in this episode. Make sure you scrunch your face up and critique a carpeted bedroom at least twice!”)

If you haven’t paid close attention throughout the show–because that’s the point of watching it–don’t even worry about it! Why? Because this half-hour show includes A RECAP before the final segment. They give you a “get out of confusion”-free card because they KNOW you haven’t really been watching! “Okay people, we know you’ve gotten deep into your group text chain, so real quick, here are the 3 houses these dummies are deciding between.” Haven’t been watching? BOOM, you’re back. You get to toss out a you-can-tell-I’m-concentrating-because-my-eyes-are-squinting- “I like the one wif da pool,” before the couple you don’t like for no good reason picks the ONE WIF DA POOL! Nothing like feeling accomplished while sitting.

2) The Office

This goes for any show you’ve seen more than nine bajillion times. For me, that show is “The Office,” thus, it’s why it is the current king of “I don’t know what to watch, let’s just put _____________ on.” I don’t think I even really watch the episodes anymore while they’re on. It’s more a cover for me to scan my phone. If the TV is on and I’m able to toss out a chuckle here or there, then I can’t be accused of being addicted to my phone, right? You may not have sat down to totally dissect this phenomenon, but that’s what is happening. Other shows that fall into this category are “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, “Seinfeld”, “Friends”, “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, and “Parks and Rec”. These are the “If I was addicted to my phone, how would I know when to laugh?”-shows. We’re not fooling anyone…(DID THAT JUST BLOW YOUR FRIGGIN MIND?!?!)

1) Anything Guy Fieri

What is a more joyful sight than Guy’s face? He’s never not on the verge of EXTREME happiness. And what causes this EXTREME happiness? Something that we all can get inside our refrigerator!!! While a good amount of food and cooking shows, are trying to help you elevate your palate, Guy tells you that your palate is FINE AND IF YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR A DINER, YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT OFF TO HELL! But instead of saying those exact words, he communicates that with ENERGY and spikey hair.

If you’re not watching the show, it’s okay because his voice is so excited and happy that you are subconsciously convinced that you, too, are also excited and happy. Again, you’re in a trance-like state, so when your brain processes a booming voice doling out the virtues of a trailer that serves waffle fries, it’s like you’re in that trailer with Guy and ABSOLUTELY LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT. (I’M SO LUCKY TO BE EATING FRIED THINGS INSIDE A TRAILER PARKED BEHIND THAT ABANDONED MOTEL!)

Tip your hat to the King of Modern-Day Hypnosis, Guy Fieri.

MY WORLD:

I went to a Cubs game and sat in the bleachers on Saturday. If you’re not from Chicago, here is the literal translation for that first sentence: “I sat in the sun and drank 82 beers on Saturday.” (Just 82? Not foolin’ anyone Pal!) Anyway, I came away convinced that no matter how old you are, if you live in Chicago and are feeling the need to hit the “reset” button, the bleachers at Wrigley are where you go. (My how elaborate your drinking justifications have become, Jimmy…)

If you haven’t been to the bleachers, it’s not the same as just going to a Cubs game. It’s another world. A world where age doesn’t exist, beer is currency and the sun is that friend who keeps telling you to “just enjoy the moment!” There was a guy in his 60s with really good hair, dancing during every inning break. There were a few fights far enough away to feel safe while yelling “GET HIM!!!” There was a friend who masked sweating through his shorts by having our group douse him with water in between innings, and then feigning anger by yelling “not on my new shorts!” And, of course, there were and obscene amount of Bud Lights.

Looking to hit “reset”? Spend a day sweating on a bench in the sun, high above Sheffield Ave. You’ll wake up the next morning dehydrated, yes, but you’ll also be rid of whatever was inside you that pushed you to reach for that “reset” button. After the age of 26, you can only do one Wrigley Bleacher day during the summer, but no matter your age or circumstance, I think we all need one “Chicago Reset.”

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When you wear sandals and are walking up the stairs, and your sandal catches the lip of a stair and you slam your shin into the front of the next stair. I saw this happen to a friend in the bleachers and I wanted to hold him for the rest of the game.

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

DOES JIMMY STILL GAMBLE?

Yes.

K, bye.

What to Watch When You’re Sick and “Jimbo”

MY WORLD:

Today’s edition of “A Time I Made Myself Laugh By Making The VP of Ops Mad or Uncomfortable” is short and swe–nope, it’s actually not sweet at all (tricked you so bad). The VP of Ops gets very uncomfortable when attention is brought to her while in public and so, once I found this out, I, OBVIOUSLY, had to come up with a way to bring attention to her in public. So I began testing out some material when we’d walk to lunch or to the coffee shop or pharmacy, and I’d just yell out phrases like “stop farting!” or “that hurts!” or “I SAID NO!” She could see me take deep inhales as I prepared to yell and would immediately go into wide-eyed, clenched-jaw “don’t you dare”-mode. Can someone just tell her that if she didn’t react like that, that I’d stop doing stuff like this? (Actually don’t because I really really love doing these sorts of things.)

However, yelling out these phrases grew a little tired after a while, so I had to turn the heat up a bit. My solution was to create an alter-ego named “Jimbo”. Basically, Jimbo is the guy at your gym in the stringy tank-top who throws down the dumbbells when he’s done with them. (The VP hates Jimbo so much that I’m sure she’s shaking her head right now.) In case you haven’t met this particular “Jimbo”, he only comes out when The VP and I are in crowded public places. Normally, I’ll slow my walk a little bit to let The VP get ahead. She’ll turn around and see the “Jimbo” pose: me holding my arms out like I just BLASTED my biceps at a workout, so much so that I can no longer straighten my arms. This is when The VP says something like “please don’t”, to which “Jimbo” responds, in his meathead spitting-while-talking way, “Babe! What?”

“Oh Jesus” and The VP will try to speed walk away from what she knows is coming. “Jimbo” will follow like a muscle-bound villain in a horror movie, walking a little too slowly while swaying wildly from side to side. Hard to walk straight when you squat 700 pounds and everyone can’t stop talking about how big your quads are, nah’m sayin’? “Jimbo” loves to yell “Babe! Babe!” and never straighten his huge swollen arms or legs cuz he can’t bro, too sore from the curls and stair master. He always has a duckface or a snarl because he’s a bad boy and he wants you to know it. The VP knows it and DOES. NOT. LIKE. IT. But guess what? That’s the point with “Jimbo”, he doesn’t care what you think…unless you think his arms are small cuz they’re totally not (why else would he be walking like that?) And, honestly, why does The VP get so mad at a guy who really only says like three things: “Babe!” “Babe! Why you mad?!” and “Babe! I’m hungry!” It’s not fair, babe.

“Jimbo” hibernates in the winter because he can’t show off the monster veins in his arms but…the weather will warm. You hear that VP? The weather will warm…and “Jimbo” will return…

OUR WORLD:

I made a mistake yesterday when I stayed home sick and watched a bunch of HBO “Real Sports” episodes. That show takes way too much mental energy to watch and, usually, isn’t the most uplifting or engrossing show. (Hand up, complaining about how watching television requires too much energy is a pretty disgusting admission.) If you have never seen “Real Sports”, it’s basically “60 Minutes” with sports stories and Bryant Gumble dressing, like, actually really cool. He wears cool suits and lowers his glasses to look over notes and then says “so Bernie, how much money can a semi-professional snowboarder realistically expect to make?” The VP of Ops consistently makes “Bryant Gumble is kewt!” comments whenever she watches with me. I didn’t think it bothered me, but the fact that I just wrote that must mean something…

ANYWAY! Regretting my television choices in hindsight, got me to thinking about what shows are best to watch when you’re sick. These are not in order, so just chill out. CHILL OUT!

Catfish: It’s going to be on during the day and you’re going to be all alone so you can watch the shows you’d be embarrassed to watch otherwise. MTV’s “Catfish” is a PERFECT example of this kind of show. A few months back, The VP of Ops went out while I was painfully hungover (a cousin of Jimmy Sick is Jimmy Hangover. I actually prefer being sick cuz it wasn’t my fault). You know the kind of hangovers when you can’t even change the channel? Like, turning your TV on is all you can handle and then whatever’s on is what you’re gonna watch. The TV was on MTV and “Catfish” came on and I was all “I’m not going to like this show because I am a grown man adult who went to film school and has the taste of a—wait…this guy seems nice. This guy deserves love! SHE SOUNDS REAL! IS SHE NOT?!?!” The host guy, Nev, is SUPER likable and you’re always thinking that the person is going to end up being real and that the “potential catfish victim” is going to get to laugh in all his or her friends’ faces for EVER questioning their online romance. “Hey Ramona, remember when you said that Trevor sounded like a fake name?!?! WELL WOULD A FAKE NAME BE ABLE TO DO THIS?!?!” And then Trevor would come in doing a cool dance move like “The Dougie” and Ramona would be embarrassed and feel bad that she doubted her friends’ true love.

The Office: Simply put, this show is going to appear on just about every “best television show to watch when ________”-list that I come out with. It’s my favorite show of all-time. If Michael Scott can’t make you smile in between your kinda-sprints to the bathroom, then you should probably just call 911 cuz you’re in BIG trouble. Now, I will warn you not to watch the “Fun Run” episode if you’re feeling nauseous because seeing Andy’s nipples bleed is unsettling on multiple levels; specifically, the level between your stomach and your butthole. An episode you should make sure to watch if you’re sick, however, is “Phyllis’ Wedding”. Getting to watch Michael drag Phyllis’ Dad’s wheelchair down the aisle is chicken noodle soup.

Family Feud: I’ll always think of Louie (Luis? Louis? Looey?) Anderson as the host of this show, but I have to admit that I don’t hate Steve Harvey as the host now. This game show is perfect mushy food for your mushy brain. Nothing is going to be that funny or absurd, but it’s going to be generally enjoyable and will make the time go by fast. You’ll watch seven episodes in a row like it’s NOTHING and, mark my words, if someone took a spy-cam pic of you midway through episode three, you’d have a weird no-teeth smile on your clammy face. Another great thing about this show is that, in your head, you always do better than these dumb families. AND! You are always the family leader in your own brain. Like, how do they decide who stands closest to Steve? If it’s not the eldest sibling or one of the parents, you know this family has deep-rooted issues that should really only be addressed by licensed professionals. If I wasn’t elected “Family Captain”, I’d pout by raising my eyebrows and shaking my head and making a few “pshhh” noises. And don’t worry, you know I’d tell everyone “I didn’t even care.” I did care, though, and Stever Harvey woulda’ loved my zingers BUT NOOOOOOO! DAD HAD TO BE THE FAMILY CAPTAIN!

Supermarket Sweep/Guy’s Grocery Games: Gameshows that are set in grocery stores are in my wheelhouse and the reason I’m including both of these is because I’m not sure if “Supermarket Sweep” is still on-air. (Well, and cuz they’re both awesome and I normally see a box of saltines on the show and think to myself “hey, I’m allowed to eat all the crackers I want today cuz I’m sick!”) Do you remember that show? There was a host with a side part (I think?) and then people would get to run around a grocery store trying to grab items that would cost the most. Yeah…those are all the details I remember about that show so you know it had to be great. I legitimately do remember really enjoying the mindless joy associated with watching people run through an empty grocery store. Full disclosure, I love grocery shopping. I go through every aisle even if I KNOW FOR A FACT that I’m not getting anything in said aisle. (Except the shampoo aisle. Why is that here? Everyone knows you only get shampoo at Walgreens after telling yourself “I need to get shampoo” for like 4 days). Therefore, my bar for restaurant gameshows is super low. They could probably just have a show where they follow a couple as they walk and bicker down each aisle, and I would watch it. “Guys Grocery Games” is basically “Supermarket Sweep” meets “Chopped” and it has Guy as host so…GET YA DVRs READY Y’ALL!!!

The Dan Patrick Show: Watching a sportsradio show on television is sad UNLESS you’re sick so you can do what you want because people feel bad for you! This is another example of a slow-moving, mildly enjoyable few hours of television that requires minimal brain power. For some reason, since I’ve been a little kid, I have enjoyed watching radio shows on television when I’m sick. It’s almost like you get to see something that you’re not supposed to see–seeing what a radio show LOOKS like? You can’t do that! So what does that make you? That makes you a spy and you’ve always kinda’ wanted to be a spy but were too scared cuz of the guns and, you know, bad guys. But watching a radio show on TV seems like a pretty safe thing to do so LET’S LIVE OUT OUR FANTASIES GUYS!!!

LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Oh my god, guys…there are full episodes of “Supermarket Sweep” on YouTube.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Why was this DOOF ever the host of “Family Feud”?

richard karn.jpg

MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT I AM GENUINELY CONFIDENT IN BECAUSE I DESERVE GOOD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME AFTER GETTING REAR-ENDED BY A GUY WITHOUT A LICENSE:

I did not gamble last night on any games in particular. That will probably change tonight, however, because there is NO WAY the Blazers are going down 0-2 at home. Steal your parents car, sell it, and put all the money you got from it on Portland.

(My account currently at $219.55)

K bye.