I’m doing my best to hold out for the many many MANY readers who are waiting on baited breath for my takes on reality television, but I have to come clean: I’m about to bail on this season of “The Bachelorette”. Why? (Solid question, thanks for asking) Because Becca stinks. Excuse me, Becca doesn’t stink, she STINKS LIKE DIRTY RAT PIG! “The Bachelorette” is meant to have a somewhat likable, pretty lady make a bunch of douchey guys look silly while we kinda’ root for her to find the one normal-ish dude in the bunch (it’s like a game of pin the tail on the non-douche!) This whole equation goes right down the crapper when we’re forced to watch an overdramatic Ice Queen play the victim 24/7/365. With the popularity of this blog soaring to new heights EVERY. GODDAMN. SECOND. I’m thinking that this reaches Becca, herself. Therefore, Becca, I’m going to write directly to you.
What’s the deal with the sparkle dresses? The VP of Ops said last night that you “dress like a dickhead” and, being a fashion icon myself (Jimmy Fashion, ever heard of him?), I must say that I agree. You dress like a dickhead. Nobody wears sparkles as often as you do. After a while, it’s like “we get that we’re supposed to look at you, you’re THE bachelorette on ‘The Bachelorette!” Insecure much? (Girrrrrrrlllllll!!!!) And, trust me, I’ve done my best to defend you and your “look at me” sparkles to the VP, but when you turn around and wear some ridiculous crop top on the next group date it amounts to a slap in my face. Aren’t you 30? Do you know what it’s like to defend your dumb sparkles for an entire solo date and then have The VP give me the “told ya'” eyes when in THE NEXT SCENE you’re wearing a t-shirt that’s too small for a baby? BABY’S WEAR LONGER SHIRTS THAN YOU! Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you best believe Imma write a blog about how I’m FINISHED with you. BELIE ‘DAT! (We get it Jimmy, we’re reading the blog.)
Now let’s get into last night’s episode. There was no part of you that thought “you know, Chris really went all in on that stupid Danke Scheoen performance, I’m going to make sure I talk to him!” Nope. After performing a Wayne Newton cover in front of Waxy Wayne HIMSELF, national television cameras, and a crowd of strangers ALL FOR YOU, you still thought to yourself “I’m only going to believe Chris likes me if he seeks me out later during the group date!” THAT’S LOONEY TOONS!!! If I buy one roll of paper towels for our apartment and The VP doesn’t give me a sincere “thank you so much,” I’m holding a grudge for the rest of the night. And Becca, we have a happy marriage! But nope, you saw a sliver of an opportunity to make yourself into the victim again and BOOM, you took it! When Chris tucked his balls away later and offered that “apology” I almost threw up. He should’ve told you that he was Team Arie and gone back to the Wayne Newton show to see about scooping up the one groupie under the age of 72.
Speaking of Arie, how long are we supposed to feel bad for you? Forever? It’s not like you were in a 7 year relationship that ended on the altar in front of a nationwide audience. You “fell” for an obvious tool who you went on like 4 dates with in a 6 week span. He gave you a ring and then said “nah, never mind I like the blonde more” a couple weeks later. Was it nice of him? Of course not, but he also didn’t tie an anchor to your foot and invite you to go scuba diving. I’ve had rougher break-ups with toothbrushes (but I don’t wanna spend $7 at CVS!!!) Yet, every chance you get, you toss out the “remember, I’m the forever victim”-eyes. You will get no more sympathy from me, you ordered up a big plate of Arie. When The VP orders sushi on a hungover Sunday, I don’t feel bad for her. Just like I tell The VP, “It’s your decision, but we all know it’s going to end horribly.”
Finally Becca, lets talk about Lincoln. We’re getting into the heart of this season and you just picked him over a dude who built the Venmo app. Seriously? You think some mumble-mouth muppet, who cried about a wet picture frame, is more husband material than a guy who LITERALLY built the app that gives you money? Every psychiatrist in the universe who watched that just diagnosed you as a certified IDIOT. I’m sure you have a therapist, so here’s a spoiler for your next session: they’ve labeled you a “lost cause” and are going to drop you as a patient. If this is a ploy to get on Dr. Drew’s new show “Celebrity Idiots,” then congratulations, you just locked up a spot on the inaugural season.
I tried defending you, Becca. But, between the sparkles and the crop tops and the Lincoln stuff and the death glares, I have officially decided that I am out on you. While I doubt I will watch ALL of the rest of the season, I am now rooting for an epic finale. In my dream scenario, you pick someone, Colton probably, and he gets down on a knee. With your heart about to explode with happiness, Colton opens a ring-sized box and says…SIIIIIKKKKKEEE!!!! Then, Arie’s new wife, Lauren, runs out and slaps you in the face right before making out with Colton right in front of you as Arie laughs in the background. Either that, or you pick Garrett without realizing he’s the head of the KKK’s Minnesota chapter.
MY WORLD:
I’m stressed.
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I’ve always thought I should like Weezer than I should, but I really do LOVE this cover. I can’t tell if they’re trying to be funny or if this is a cheesy song, but it gets the coveted Jimmyschair “Stamp of Like”!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
This whole Pete Davidson/Ariana Grande relationship is making everyone uncomfortable. Can you guys just stop?
I’M TAKING A MINI-BREAK FROM GAMBLING THAT MAY LAST AS LONG AS 4 DAYS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ON A DREADFUL LOSING STREAK AND BETTING ON BASEBALL AND SOCCER IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF. GIVE ME FOOTBALL NOW.
Can we cool it with the crying, guys? Last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette” was embarrassing for men everywhere. EVERYWHERE. From Lincoln crying about his picture with Becca being tossed into the pool, to that Southern NOBODY making an ALL-TIME cry-face after he got booted, last night may go down in history as the night millennial’s ruined manhood in America. This episode, though, was about one thing and one thing only: Lincoln taking the crown of “Biggest Wuss in America”
I’m all for a sensitive moment, here or there, but how come every goddamn moment in this show has to be the guy proving to Becca that he’s capable of embarrassing his grandfather? Let’s try to go through this as best as I can remember, because I am NOT going to rematch that atrocity to make sure I get the sequencing right (I HAVE WORN A TIE 4 TIMES IN THE PAST YEAR FOR CHRISSAKE!!!)
The Lincoln Crying Part
First off, Linocln’s accent really does sound like he’s a community theater actor trying WAY too hard. Now when the episode started and you saw guys acting excited about “being pampered” by getting to put on tuxedos, we all should’ve known that this was the start of something epically embarrassing. What guy gets his rocks off by drinking champagne and trying on tuxedos? That’s a fun date for a guy? Guess I’m more of a loose cargo shorts and chicken fingers kinda’ guy (SWOON ALERT! Also, I don’t really wear cargo shorts anymore, but I miss the times when I did.) Here’s an idea: let’s drink something that no man ACTUALLY likes while wearing clothes that make you feel like your entire body is choking. WAIT, DO WE GET TO DRINK CHAMPAGNE IN TUXEDOS?!?! AND THESE DUDES WERE ACTING LIKE IT WAS CHRISTMAS MORNING. Once I saw this, I turned to the VP with a “something is afoot”-look. She knew too.
Following this misplaced excitement, Chris Harrison and the GENIUS producers threw a twist in: obstacle course time. Guess what, Champagne Papi’s? TIME TO GET MESSY! YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO CRAWL THROUGH MUD! They should’ve made the obstacle course ACTUALLY difficult and had them run up to a family member who fought in a war and then have to explain how much they enjoyed the champagne and fashion show. “Hey Grandpa Bill, remember that time you told me about you hunting Nazis in the middle of the night when you were 19? Well, I don’t mean to show you up, but I’m 26 and just cried because I got to try on a tuxedo.” COOL!
Lincoln “won” this obstacle course because he cheated. Two questions: 1) What in the LIVING FUCK was Chris Harrison doing? Was he too busy preparing to remind all the guys that one rose left on the table means that “this is the final rose” to, I don’t know, POINT OUT BLATANT CHEATING? This should’ve been Chris “The Captain of I-Have-Done-Nothing-Meaningful-With-My-Life Mountain” Harrison’s shining moment as he swooped in with a hand in Lincoln’s cheating-ass chest to push him back to the ice tub. But no. Yet again, Chris Harrison’s inactivity reminds us that he’s television’s most useless human being. The person who refill’s Hoda Kotb’s backstage wine during “The Today Show” contributes more to the success of that show than Chris Harrison does to this.
SECOND QUESTION: None of the guys throw a John McEnroe type fit about this cheating? They just take it like the losers they are. This was the perfect set up for a star-making comedy turn if one of these guys would’ve lost their mind. Maybe they get kicked off the show, but at least they’re known as the funny guy who stands up for FAIRNESS! If it were me, I would’ve taken my shirt off, lit it on fire and whipped it around my head while screaming “WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY BASED ON RULES!!!!”
Later that night, Lincoln and his mood ring of an accent got all emotional when Becca gave him a picture of him with her after the obstacle course “victory.” Him pretending that this was meaningful almost caused me to punch myself IN THE FUCKING FACE. “Oh, a picture from earlier today…sweeeeeet….” Nope, this dumbass picture was enough for Lincoln to declare this as “the best first date” of his life. OUCH, BRO. VERY OUCH. How do you think the “second best first date” of Lincoln’s life went? The girl kick him in the nuts and staple a “I have no real friends” sign to his forehead? (“Yes, that girl did fire a staple into my forehead, but my Aunt bought me this ice cream cone so, all in all, it was a pretty good night.”-Lincoln re: the second best first date of his life, as blood pours from his forehead onto his vanilla ice cream.)
The episode really kicked into overdrive, though, once Fitness Coach Connor (I said I’m not a trainer!) tossed the framed photo of Lincoln and Becca into the pool. I actually respected the move at the time. This group of dudes was WAY overdue for a meathead moment, and this was kinda’ close to that. I was in. But then Lincoln tattled to Becca which eventually led to Connor giving a HEARTFELT APOLOGY. WHAT?!?!?!!? Once Connor found out that Lincoln ran to Becca to cry about that dumb picture taking a dive, he should’ve gone to the nearest gun store to buy a sawed-off JUST so he could put it to Lincoln’s head. “Now Lincoln, you’re gonna be a good boy and go back to Becca to tell her that you dropped the picture in the pool and that your good friend Connor dove in to pick it up for you.” I’ve decided that firearms need to be introduced to this season of “The Bachelorette”.
Instead, though, Connor forced up some “that’s not me”-type apology re: the picture in the pool. If you weren’t yelling “oh give me a fucking break!” at your television by this point, we may be different species. Not only that, but that apology WASN’T ENOUGH FOR BECCA. She still had to throw the “I just need some time” at Connor. Some time for what? To remember that grown man Lincoln ran to you like a teacher at recess? Hey Becca, is that the kind of guy you want to BE THE FATHER TO YOUR CHILDREN?!?!?!
Lincoln wasn’t done, though. Nope. No way. The next morning, while recounting this picture in the pool situation, he started crying in front of a group of guys that weren’t there. This was the most unbelievable crying situation I’ve ever seen. UN. BE. LIEV. ABLE. A 26 year-old man who is built like a friggin’ adonis just cried in front of a group of guys about a picture of him with a girl he had spoken MAYBE 4 sentences to in his entire life. You know the Starbucks barista you’ve seen a few times? Now imagine being surrounded by a bunch of strangers, all guys, and crying about a picture of you and that Starbucks barista that was tossed into a pool. “She always put just the right amount of foam on top of my latte!” During this whole scene, I was DYING for one of these guys to go into straight-bully mode: point at Lincoln, laugh like any movie villain EVER, and try to stuff him in a closet somewhere in that big, dumb house. If you showed a video of this scene during an Anti-Bully rally, you’d see the entire crowd shrug like “are we sure we don’t want ANY bullies?”
If you still think that guys with muscles can’t be ALL-TIME-WIMPS, I would like to introduce you to Bachelorette Lincoln, “The Biggest Wuss in America”.
A QUICK JIMMYSCHAIR SUGGESTION IN LIEU OF A “MY WORLD”:
The pilot episode for “Succession” on HBO was one of the best pilot episodes I have seen in a while. Terrific acting plus solid writing equals ME LIKEY. If you’re looking for a new show to get into, “Succession” has “You’re going to talk to your friends about this”-written all over it. Supposedly, other reviews said the episode was “boring.” Too bad those other reviews are stupid and should be IMMEDIATELY redacted because that is PATENTLY WRONG. It’s funny and smart, and if you don’t think Brian Cox is the best “angry old-guy” actor going, you need to get your head out of the sand, pal!
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I like this remix because I’m YOUNG!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Supposedly, this guy saw this kid messing with a bunch of cars in the parking lot, and tried to put a stop to it. Aside from hating this kid, the reason I hate this video is that there wasn’t some other kid to act like a hero by jumping in with a tire iron to WHOMP this little brat. If we’re being totally honest, I would’ve been fine if this adult threw this kid into an active volcano, but I don’t think I can totally advocate for that in a public forum such as this. If, however, someone the same age as this kid, showed up with a home-run swing and a rusty tire iron, we’d all be happy, right?
WRITING ABOUT GAMBLING ON THE NBA FINALS IS BORING ME SO I’M GOING TO TAKE A BREAK FROM IT FOR A LITTLE BIT. PLEASE DON’T CRY LIKE “BACHELORETTE” LINCOLN ABOUT THIS.
Who’s ready for part 2 of Jimmy’s “Rapid Fire Judgement Zone”?!?! I AM FEELING VERY JUDGY THIS MORN!!!!
Jason “Sr. Corporate Banker” (New York): A banker who uses a TON of gel in his hair is a little too on the nose, right? This is the kind of guy that only drinks vodka sodas at the bar while gently touching his hair to make sure it’s not out of place. NOPE.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He stays a little longer than you’d think because he starts to blend into the background and Becca forgets that he’s there. Then, one night when Becca is having an especially hard time figuring out who to send packing, Chris Harrison reminds her that Jason is still there. Relieved, Becca sprints to the rose ceremony and tosses Jason out like a surly umpire throwing a high school brat out of a playoff game. YOUUUUU’REEEEE OUTTTTTAA HEEEEEERRRRRREEEEE!
Jean Blanc “Colognoisseur” (Florida): You know me by now, right? Take a wild guess how I feel about a guy who collects expensive colognes, talks about “accouterments”, and wears a MONSTER bow tie…Here’s a somewhat controversial take: he’s the least likable person on the show so far. Hear me out! We’ll get to the male model later, but this guy seems VERY GENUINE about being a “colognoisseur”. Like, I don’t think ABC producers have told him to ramp it up. If anything, I imagine the producers were like “jesus, this dude is REALLY into spray bottles full of smells.” I don’t have any cologne-guys for friends. Maybe some of them wear it, but I have never had a friend talk to me about their cologne. If they did, I would immediately label them “cologne guy” and loudly ask them in public places “What scent did you go with today, Terry?!?!” Villains are into cologne, not heroes.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Becca gets rid of this guy in like 3 episodes. She has to catch on to his ever-changing scents, right? That’s a red flag, y’all.
Joe “Grocery Store Owner” (Illinois): I want to like this guy more than I did (spoiler alert: he gone) The VP was ALL IN on this dude, and I kinda’ get it. He was endearing when he choked during his first interaction with Becca, but he’s a grocery store owner who looks 15 years older than he is. A Chicago guy with a non-flashy job seemed right up my alley, but then he just…got…a little….too into talking about watermelons. Hey guy, “I sell watermelons” isn’t an awesome pick-up line. You think Becca couldn’t wait to call her family later that night to tell them “I think I’m falling for the watermelon salesman!” Quit fibbing yourself, bro.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He was booted, but The VP still loves him. This means that for the next 3 months, any guy in Chicago that kinda looks like this guy, she will instantly think it IS this guy and probably call me to brag about being in the same CVS as “that grocery store guy from Bachelorette.” She won’t even remember his name. SAD!
John “Software Engineer” (California): This guy dropped a HAMMER of a line when he said “I build the Venmo app.” Becca should’ve married this guy that second. I like this guy. He’s normal with a WILDLY impressive job relies on his brain and not him being a slimeball. I don’t know a TON of engineers, but they’re all the same: side part, boring fashion, even-tempered, smart, stable, and, eventually, will make a BUTTLOAD OF SWEEEEEEEET CAAAASSSSSHHHHHH. Will this dude make you laugh everyday? Probably not. But he also will never cheat on you or get heated in a fight about how to speak to a Comcast customer service representative (Literally told me to “be nicer” to this person while I was on the phone. I almost jumped out the window. SHE TOOK COMCAST’S SIDE!!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!!)
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Becca will toss this guy soon (maybe already did? Can’t remember) because he’s not SEXY. Hey Becca, congrats on being an IDIOT. While you’re taking care of baby #7 and Garrett is out fishing, John will be yacht shopping with his new Victoria Secret model wife.
Jordan “Male Model” (Florida): First, of course he’s from Florida. Second, my opinion on this dude has evolved since watching the episode live. This is obviously a put-on, and I’m kind of thinking it’s funny now. This is the guy producers saw being a little too into himself and said “yeah that, but TIMES A THOUSAND if you wanna be on tv.” This guy really wants to be on TV, so he’s jumping into the Omarosa-deep-end of the villain pool. Unfortunately for him, I just don’t think he’s a good enough actor to convincingly pull off the villain role. He’s no Chad. If he was SO cocky and full of himself, he would’ve had the stones to talk to Becca one-on-one that first night. He didn’t and you could see he was nervous. When those guys were giving him shit for not talking to her, his face had “I’m not this guy I’m portraying” written all over it. Once you accept that, his whole persona goes from being super annoying, to actually pretty funny.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He stays around through mid-season because the producers have a lot invested in him being the villain. I hope he keeps trying SUPER hard to be a dick, but then wimps out at the end. If anything, he is showing every casting director in the universe that he cannot act. Can’t wait to see this guy on page 26 of an LL Bean catalog in 8 years.
Kamil “Social Media Participant” (New York): This was the 60-40 guy! WHAT A FLOP OF AN OPENING LINE! Did he think the way to Becca’s heart was by BULLYING HER into walking towards him? Becca’s best moment of the first ep was when she refused to go past halfway. “Social Media Participant”? So….he’s on Facebook? How great would it be if this dude’s resume just listed all of his social media accounts? PLEASE LET THAT BE TRUE!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’s heckled with “60-40” jokes for the rest of his life. Eventually, he’ll change his name, shave his head and move to the mountains to get away from all the derision. But guess what, Kamil…they have TVs in the mountains too.
Leo “Stuntman” (California): My favorite guy on the show. He’s legitimately funny and I think he owns how his hair is kind of ridiculous. I’m sure he’s a real weird dude, but he’s the most interesting guy on this show. Can we please hear stories about all of his “stunts”? He did fuck up, though, when he didn’t do some crazy awesome stunt when his limo pulled in. How could he not have crashed the car or jumped a tree in a motorcycle or jumped off the roof to meet her?
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He better stay around long enough to impress the whole cast with some WILD stunt. There was a shot of an ambulance in the season trailer, and you better believe I’m hoping it has to do with a stunt this guy tries to pull, that goes VERY BADLY.
Lincoln “Account Sales Executive” (California): Is this the classic bait-and-switch? I thought this dude was pretty nice, but the trailers for the rest of the season imply that he becomes THE bad guy. CAN WE TRUST NOTHING?!?! The VP likes his accent a lot and I did say “God Damn!” when they showed him doing some ab workout that looked impossible.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: His whole “scandal” is not going to be nearly as exciting as the season-long trailer made it look. Is he this season’s Crystal? Highly doubtful. UNLESS, the scandal is about his accent! What if he just changes it from episode to episode? One episode it’s Jamaican, the next it’s a thick southern accent. Yeah, that’s gonna be the “scandal” of the season.
Nick “Attorney” (Florida): The VP really really likes this guy and I find that somewhat upsetting. This guy? I mean, he’s decent looking but doesn’t he just look like if the bad guy in “The Karate Kid” got a law degree? And this picture? A QZ with no undershirt is a WILDLY COCKY move. I’d imagine this guy telling you that he wants to bang your sister and then not comprehending why that makes you FURIOUS.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He tells Becca that he’s into some really weird bedroom stuff and The VP, trying to save face, has to try to pretend that zipper mask stuff is normal.
These guys don’t matter and I will not waste my time on their SORRY ASSES!
FINAL PREDICTION: Colton is going to win and there will be a social media movement defending virgins everywhere. I will feel like a bully for making fun of his virginity and, due to overwhelming public pressure, will be forced to resign my post as “Judgey Blog Writer Who People Don’t Really Pay Attention To”. It’s been gun, guys. Who woulda’ thought Jimmyschair would be taken down by a virgin?
MY WORLD:
Tomorrow morning I have to set up a booth at a college music festival. Northwestern University has an end-of-the-year music fest every year, and the company I work for is a big sponsor for it. It’s my job to make sure our booth looks good and we’re ready to roll. This means, however, that I’m going to be surrounded by college kids wearing tank tops and cool hats. How am I supposed to act? I’m really not sure. Being 32, I don’t feel like college was THAT long ago but…like, it was. In an effort to feel young, do I try to befriend some of these kids? What’ll probably happen is I’ll try too hard to come off like the cool-guy and will fail miserably. Here’s what I’m thinking I can talk to these kids about tomorrow:
-Drake vs. Pusha T: I’ll say something like “Drake shouldn’t have messed with Pusha!” (I don’t like Drake and don’t know Pusha T)
-Music: I’ll say something like “I’ve been listening to a lot of Chance lately!” (I haven’t. I think Chance is overrated.)
-Politics: I’ll say something like “Just legalize it already!” (Honestly, I hope they don’t legalize weed. It’ll just mean I’ll have to deal with more peer pressure to smoke it and I’m VERY VERY SCARED OF THE WEED!)
-Sports: I’ll say something like “LeBron is amazing, but Jordan was–” (and then I’ll catch myself realizing that these 20 year old kids never saw Jordan play. Me saying that I did would immediately out me as “the old guy”. DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO PRETEND TO LIKE LEBRON MORE?!?! DOUBLEFUCKKKKKKKKK)
-Weather: I’ll say something like “Dude, sweatpants play no matter the temperature.” (As my legs sweat profusely in my thick 14 year old University of Cincinnati Jordan Brand sweatpants)
-Pop Culture: I’ll say something like “me too” to myself when I see a guy looking awkward off to the side. A girl will overhear this and think I’m making fun of the movement…and I will bring SHAME UPON THE COMPANY I AM REPRESENTING. (Jk lol omg I’m legitimately nervous about writing about the “me too” movement in a lighter way…k byeee.)
LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
WHOA! MY NEW CRUSH WITH MY FAVORITE BAND?!?!
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
When you call Comcast because your cable isn’t working and your wife snaps at you to “be nice!” once you start to get JUST THE TEENIEST BIT aggressive with their customer service rep. If you’ve ever dealt with Comcast, you know that you HAVE to get aggressive to get what you want. Telling someone mid-aggro to “be nice!” is a quick way to get your head chopped off. (This has developed into a real fight between The VP and I and I WILL NOT BACK DOWN!)
GAMBLING IS MAYBE MY FAVORITE THING TO TALK ABOUT BUT I THINK IT’S KINDA’ BORING TO WRITE ABOUT MOST OF THE TIME SO I’M GOING TO KEEP THESE SHORT:
I bet the Cavs moneyline last night. Can you all please just look up at the sky and think about how sorry for me you are? Thank you. And to JR Smith, I would like you to know that you let me and my future children down; because of your actions, they will have less bitcoin stock to help them get through college. Hope our kids are cool with community college! As for the rest of the series, I’m seeing a Warriors sweep now. The Cavs looked like they lost they were eliminated from the universe in their postgame press conferences last night.
Yesterday’s blog was a little on the heavy side (oh my god, are you saying I’m fat?!) so today I decided to write about…CANCER AGAIN! Wait, no, I mean “The Bachelorette” season premiere. (Did he just joke about the Big C? NOT COOL BRO!) Yeah, let’s get a little light and loose and silly today, huh? LET’S GET BACK TO BEIN’ A BUNCHA GOOFS! (I think this blog sucks now…time to go back to scrolling Instagram and not getting caught by my boss.)
The VP and I were a little behind so we watched (initiating Chris Harrison fake excited voice…) THE SEASON PREMIERE OF “THE BACHELORETTE” on Tuesday night. Now that I’ve had a day to digest what was a relatively underwhelming opening episode, I am here for all my sweet baby readers (I’M NOT A BABY!) with initial, but definitely right-on-the-money, takes and predictions for ALL of the guys. Before I do that, however, (get ready for a lot of pictures!) let’s start with the bachelorette herself…
*REAL QUICK, I DO NOT LOOK UP SPOILERS AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THEM.
Becca HerLastNameDoesntMatter:
She’s fine. (HOT TAKE JIMMY IS IN THE BUILDING Y’ALL!!!) There’s just nothing all that interesting about her. She got dumped by Arie, has a hand tattoo and is somehow from a family in Minnesota that is OBSCENELY less attractive than she is. Her sisters and Mother, like no offense, look ROUGH and you know they’ve got to want to blurt out “You know, Becca never looked like this before Hollywood got ahold of her.” I don’t remember how old that sister with the frizzy hair is, but if that’s an older sister, their relationship is about to go down the tubes and into the sewer because that older uggo CANNOT be seen in the same room as Becca EVER. AGAIN.
Becca has also, somehow, made “Let’s do the damn thing!” as her catchphrase. I have two thoughts on this: 1) If anyone I was around ever said “lets do the damn thing!” I would most definitely not do that damn thing because people that say that are LAME. 2) If you replaced “damn” with “fuckin”, I would immediately think that Becca was WAY cool and would probably develop a lil’ baby crush on her. Imagine if after she met the first guy out of a limo, she slapped him on the ass and yelled “Let’s do the fuckin’ thing!” How awesome would she come off? Nope, she stuck with ‘damn’ and outed herself as a LAME. Also…real quick, real quick, how much can you root for a girl who was “head over heels” in love with that Professional Douche, Arie? If I found out that The VP of Ops had been dumped by someone along those lines, let’s say Russell Brand, I would’ve judged her HARSHLY and probably gone back to living my CRAZY AWESOME SINGLE FUN-TIMES-ALWAYS!!!!LIFE (PARTY TIME USA 4EVA!)
With a certified “Meh” girl to go after, this show NEEDS some high-quality television characters in the guy pile. Let’s see if we have any…I like to call this Jimmy’s “Rapid Fire Judgment Zone” aka “NOT PLANET FITNESS!” (If Planet Fitness sees this, I’m worried they’ll revoke my membership and I’ll be forced back into a gym with…like, nice facilities and less nerd B.O.)
Alex “Construction Manager” (Georgia): The VP likes this guy because he’s southern and was wearing a pink shirt. He was only in the background the whole show so he’ll be gone in NO TIME.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Kicked off in the next 2 shows and you’ll never think of him again in your entire life.
Blake “Sales Rep” (Colorado): Bro, cool it with the smiling! This guy is good looking but I’m getting a real creepy vibe from him because he NEVER STOPS SMILING! I get it, all Colorado people are happy all the time cuz like “hang loose on the gnar pow!” but doesn’t your face hurt after holding a smile for 9 straight hours?! Also, a “Sales Rep” who never stops smiling has HE’S TRICKING YOU written all over him.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy will stick around for a while because he’ll talk about outdoor stuff with Becca. She won’t pick him, but I’ll say he’ll make it to the final 8.
Chase “Advertising VP” (Florida): Weird hair. Weirder collar. GET OUT!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He was already kicked off. He’ll go back to Florida and, for the next 4 months, will open every conversation with “Do you watch ‘The Bachelorette'”?
Chris “Sales Trainer” (Florida): First off, way too many Florida guys this year. That’s never a good sign. This dude is SLIME CITY and if you don’t see that you are one blind bitch. He trains people how to lie. He’s a Master Liar. (Wait…I work in sales too…but like it’s way different…completely different….)
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: We’ll all get to a point with him where we’ll be like “okay, this dude is full of shit, time to get rid of him!” Then Becca will annoy us by keeping him around for 2 more episodes.
Christian “Banker” (California): Was this guy kicked off yet? I think so. If not, he will be. He’s short and not in Superman shape, which in “Bachelorette”-terms is a “GONER!”
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy knew he was gone the second he was picked for the show. He should’ve just gotten bombed in the house tried to steal something.
Christian “Former Harlem Globetrotter” (California): This dude literally dunked on Becca and it was AWESOME. He’s in my top 3 favorite guys so far. Can they just have a part of every episode where he dunks on someone who’s not expecting it? Like, out of nowhere, a hoop shows up and he’s posterizing one of the other guys.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: At some point, being a FORMER Harlem Globetrotter is going to catch up with him. He’ll stick for like 3-4 more episodes and we’ll all be kinda’ sad when he leaves.
Clay “Football Player” (Illinois): I know I’m supposed to love this guy cuz I love football and I’m from Illinois. But…uhhhhhh….he’s a doof. Professional athletes needing to go on a dating show is a major red flag.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This is like the wrestler guy from the last “Bachelorette” who talked about his daughter way too much: he’s nice and he’ll stick around for a while, until Becca starts getting creeped out because he’s a little too nice. Nice guys don’t finish last. Nice guys who take it to the moon finish last because they have no personality aside from “just trying to make you happy.” BLUGH.
Colton “Former Pro Football Player” (Colorado): I’m going to be as honest with you all as I can be; I liked Colton until I found out he was a virgin. Is that wrong? He’s 26 and was in the NFL and said something like “it’s not about a religious thing, it’s about finding the right woman.” Jeez dude, relax and get laid FOR ONCE!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: This guy will be in the final 3 and I’ll feel guilty all season for kinda not liking a guy who gets Cystic Fibrosis Vests for kids just because he’s a virgin. THANK YOU COLTON!
Connor “Fitness Coach” (Florida): What the fuck is a “fitness coach”? A trainer? If he came up with that job title himself, RESPECK. Fitness coach sounds way cooler than trainer. This guy has good hair, but is it too high? IT’S PRETTY HIGH, GUYS!
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’ll hang until like final 8ish, then Becca will be like “yeah, his hair is too high.”
Darius “Pharmaceutical Sales Rep” (California): This guy is another one who had to have known he was gone once he took a look at the other dudes there. If you’re not stupid handsome OR funny, you’re in the deadzone. HE GOT DEAD.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He immediately regrets having been on this show when a Doctor makes fun of him for “being on that show my wife watches.”
David “Venture Capitalist” (Colorado): This is the guy in the chicken suit. I know we’re supposed to think of him as “the funny guy” because he wore a chicken suit, but it wasn’t funny. If he would’ve just clucked the whole show and refused to actually speak like a human, that would’ve been funny. Instead, he just wore a chicken suit and didn’t do anything funny. Also, he’s 25 and a “venture capitalist”? Does that just mean he’s a rich kid looking for something to invest in? Not in on this dude.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’s gone in the next 3 episodes. Once Becca is off-camera and realizes that she was just giving him courtesy laughs in the first episode, he’s doomed.
Garrett “Medical Sales Rep” (Nevada): Okay, I realize that I’m hating on most of these guys pretty hard and…it will continue with this guy. Don’t you hate people that LOVE telling you how they’re “all about living in the moment”? They can’t wait to talk about how FUN they are! That’s Garrett. Guess what, if you’re living in the moment you wouldn’t be telling people that you’re “living in the moment”…YOU’D JUST BE LIVING. Did that get too meta? Also, much like Chicken Guy above, Garret was trying WAY too hard to be funny. What’s funny about driving up in a van? He has soccer balls and a baby seat in the back because…he wants that one day…THAT’S WEIRD! Think of all of the guy friends you’ve EVER HAD IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. Now, would any of those guys do something like that? No, because you’ve never been friends with a certified weird WEIRDO. He won the first impression rose which I thought was strange until I remembered that Becca is the same girl who was in love with Arie.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: He’ll make it to the Final 3 because Becca won’t want to admit how wrong she was. As the season goes on, his fake smiles and fake laughs will begin to grate on you.
Grant “Electrician” (California): I like this guy because he’s not OVERLY good looking and he’s an electrician. That’s a real man job and if Becca knows what’s good for her she’ll let him her check her outlets (all the electricians reading this LOVE that joke.)
OFFICAL PREDICTION: He didn’t get much screen time in the first episode so that probably means he’s gone in the next 2 weeks. If I were him, I’d cut the power to the house when no one is looking and then act like a hero when I was the only one able to get the power back. Real “look at me, I’m a blue collar hero”-move that he should DEFINITELY utilize.
Jake “Marketing Consultant” (Minnesota): This is the guy Becca kinda knew from home. She sent him packing because he didn’t make a move on her when they hung out or something? It was weird/vague reasoning from her, so I was starting to feel bad for this guy. Then, when the camera showed his face he looked like he was about to cry and I was out on him. You can’t cry in the first episode; everyone knows this.
OFFICIAL PREDICTION: Gonna be hard for this guy to overcome the “Cry Guy” label for the next few months. If I saw him in a bar, I would be very tempted to go up to him and ask if he was okay, then run back to my friends laughing like a REAL BULLY.
*Okay, wow, there are a lot of dudes here. I’ve gone through half. I’ll get through the next half next blog.
MY WORLD:
I wrote a lot about personal things yesterday, so today’s will be a little shorter (is it about cancer again? Dear God, please say no!) I gave Belle a shower last night because our apartment doesn’t have a bath (stand-up shower people!) AND IT WAS DIFFICULT.
Since I feel uncomfortable being naked around my dog, I did it wearing gym shorts and once we were done I had ZERO idea how to try her off. I really think it’s impossible to dry a hairy dog all the way off if you live in a smallish apartment. We went through like 3 towels and I shot my hair dryer at her for at least 18 minutes and she was still sopping wet. There needs to be a dog robe invention or…like some sort of bubble-boy contraption that I could wrap Belle in until she’s fully dry.
That’s it. That’s my million-dollar idea. “Bubble-Dog”: An inflatable suit to put your dog in when they’re out of the shower. You know that game where people get in those huge inflatable balls and roll down a hill or run into each other? It’s like that, but it closes around your dog’s entire body. GODDAMNIT, YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN JIMMY!
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I am V into the new CHVRCHES album. Also, I have developed a very very very serious crush on the lead singer. It’s serious guys, so like, please don’t show her my blog from yesterday. Here’s my fave song off the album AND you get to hear my sweet love crush talk a little with the audience first.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
Getting a new driver license and totally botching the photo so you look like a psycho on your official ID for the next few years.
GAMBLING IS MAYBE MY FAVORITE THING TO TALK ABOUT BUT I THINK IT’S KINDA’ BORING TO WRITE ABOUT MOST OF THE TIME SO I’M GOING TO KEEP THESE SHORT:
I went on a tear. Took $200 out of my account and put it into Bitcoin. I honestly think I will someday get rich off of this. Now, to the picks. LeBron killed me in that Game 7. I bet against him even though EVERYONE told me not to. Now, I’m scared to bet against him. The Warriors are giving 13 points and I think they should blow them out, but the Warriors have been sleepwalking through these playoffs. I’m thinking the Cavs keep it somewhat close tonight, so lets roll with them.
When your best friend has their first kid, is it appropriate to hold a funeral for the days of getting drunk together? After my experience this past weekend, the answer is a resounding NO. In fact, after visiting our best friends and their newborn this past weekend, it is clear that our drinking get-togethers are simply taking a turn away from crowded bars and into living rooms with GAMES!
The VP of Ops and I started dating when my roommate at the time, Mike aka “Mush”, started dating her roommate at the time, Amanda aka “Meanmomda” (cuz she’s mean to me and a mom. Wit like this can’t be street legal.) They had extra tickets to a concert one night, invited us, and let’s just say The VP couldn’t keep her grubby little hands off my carved-from-stone bod. (Actually, we talked through the entire concert, pissing off EVERYONE around us. However, we’re not the bad guys in this story because I had never heard of that band and care more about me than strangers so…like, whatever.) HAPPILY EVER AFTER MY GUYS OMG SAHHHH KEWTTTT!!!
Fast forward a few years and this friend group has an addition in the form of a baby who is, no offense, like bald and kind of a slob (you know, with the peeing and pooing and barfing and boob grabbing). Since Mush and Meanmomda live 7 hours away now, this past weekend was our first since the arrival of Baby Slobivia, I mean Baby Olivia. (I immediately feel bad for making that “Slobivia” joke and vow to refer to her as Cute Sweet Little Angel Olivia from here on out.) The plan was for us to hang in one night, and then go out the next when Meanmomda’s Mom would watch Cute Sweet Little Angel Olivia.
As I get further away from my 20s, my disdain for deep hangs at crowded bars grows, but there is part of me that denies this like it’ll make me younger. (Excuse me, Bartender? Yes, I’m 32 but feel that if I admit to myself or anyone around me that I’d prefer to be on my recliner, eating pizza and watching “Parks and Rec” for the 19th time, that I will immediately become my father Oh, so I’ll just have a vodka soda because I hate the taste, but it’s low in carbs and I’m feeling chubby. I’m having fun!) Thankfully, this Cute Sweet Little Angel Olivia took the heat off my aging insecurities, and kept us in the first night and, folks, lemmetellya’ it was just terrific.
Mush and I enjoyed cool craft beers at a reasonable pace (NERRRRDDDSSSSS!!!!!). VP and Meanmomda drank red wine at a faster pace because Meanmomda was just sober for 9 months and MUST. CATCH. UP. We played “What Do You Meme?” which is a game like “Cards Against Humanity” but better because The VP and I say so. DID I STUTTER? While playing the game, we had a stand-up special from Tom Segura playing on the TV that Mush and I would rewind to show each other our favorite parts. AND! We ate sandwiches from a place called Newks that I love so much I’d be willing to risk my marriage for it (like, if The VP said she’d divorce me if I didn’t stop going to Newks, I would agree to stop going there to her face. Then, I’d get in my car, drive directly to Newks and keep going there behind her back cuz I am one bad boy who loves dem saucy sammies!!!)
Cute Sweet Little Angel Olivia cried a little bit, but mostly just drank her bottle and did a few lines of cocaine…I mean, pooped. Meanmomda and The VP tried to cheat at the game multiple times because they both have undiagnosed personality disorders (not me though cuz I’m PERFECT! I’M THE BEST! ME!) And we barely left the couch for the entire night and Jesus H Christopher I had a ball!
I think getting older is maybe just about having the confidence to say and do the things you ACTUALLY want to do and, the older you get, the more confidence you have. When I was 17, I didn’t have enough confidence to fill a thimble (lamest Monopoly game piece of all time). So if cool guy told me, when I was 17, that he’d be my friend if I put on a fancy top hat and marched around the grocery store yelling “I have to fart!” I probably would’ve started-a-marchin’ cuz my confidence was lowwwwww (do you feel bad for me? You should probably give me something then.)
15 years later, my answer would be different thanks to my SKY-FUCKIN-HIGH level of confidence (due to my hard bod, shoutout Planet Fitness and genetic stuff but mostly my work ethic and…I have a double chin in most pictures…FUCK) Now, if I was asked by a cool guy if I’d like to ditch these parents and their new baby to go to some place sweet like “Tilted Kilt” to watch the Bulls try to lose, I would say: “Thank you for the offer Rex, but I prefer wearing sweatpants and watching Meanmomda chug red wine while cheering on Olivia’s farts.” (The thing Mush was most excited to show me about having a baby is that they audibly fart and it’s awesome.)
OUR WORLD:
Now that “The Bachelor” is over and Becca has been named as the next “Bachelorette” (meh) I started thinking about some celebs who should actually be the next “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” (not gonna lie, feeling like I have to use these thingys “” every time I write “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” IS VERY FUCKING ANNOYING! YES I KNOW THEY’RE CALLED QUOTATION MARKS IDIOT!!! IT’S FUNNIER TO SAY “THESE THINGYS”!!!)
Jim Carrey: He has reached peak level of “Is he a genius or just a super weird dude?”-status. Watching him interact with 24 year old women named “Diamond” would be such a delicious cocktail of awkward, I’m sweating just thinking about it. Imagine, a one-on-one date with Jim Carrey where he would talk about how splatter-painting is his way to mark his place in this never-ending evolution of time and space. The girl, Diamond, would nod, start to cry a little and then ask the producers if Arie was still single.
Bill O’Reilly: I don’t know if he’s single or not, but I would really love seeing how creepy he actually is when trying to get a woman into bed. I also V much enjoy watching the women on this show pretend that they are INSTANTLY in love with whoever “The Bachelor” is. No way you walk up to Arie thinking “MAN OF MY DREAMS!” Bill O’Reilly would be that feeling times a billion. “Oh, the saggy face guy who was on TV before it was revealed that he paid like $34 million to keep his sexts under wraps? LOVE!” They should really put a heart rate monitor on these women and have a graphic on the screen showing us how their heart rate changes the second they step out of the limo to see the man they MUST instantly love.
Oprah: The smart guys on the show (hello? anybody?) would be immediately excited that they hit the sugar momma lottery. If you think guys fighting over a hot babe get competitive, just wait until they’re fighting over A BILLION DOLLAR WOMAN! Weaponry would be allowed and the house would be deemed a lawless territory by the US Department of Justice. Last man standing wins Oprah and her booming voice.
The Girl from “Peaky Blinders”: I just think I really love her and would divorce the VP and try to be on the show if she was on it.
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
I’m not posting this in a “let’s laugh at this loon!”-type of way. I legit love the way Jim Carrey thinks. It’s out there, but FASCINATING.
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
People who wave at you after you flick them off in traffic.
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT PROBABLY WON’T WIN:
The Nuggets lost by 17 to Dallas last night. This is getting embarassing. But…the night is always darkest before the dawn. I didn’t make the bet because I was busy shaking hands and kissing babies at a work event, but I WILL BE BETTING TONIGHT! What should I do? God? Are you there?
South Carolina (-2.5) over Mississippi. Please god please I’m losing faith in my gambling abilities.
I want to be more original than the rest of the internet today and write about something other than “The Bachelor”, but sadly, I am but a sheep unable to stray from my shepherd, Chris Harrison. Last night became an exercise in distracting myself from how YUCKO I felt watching grown women get dumped on national television with cheap jokes in text message chains. The VP of Ops told me she felt bad watching at one point early on in the show, and I snapped back that I didn’t feel bad because, as you all have hopefully learned by now, I am one tough hombre with big muscles who eats protein and NEVER APOLOGIZES!!! ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Like 20 minutes later, I hit the VP with a dose of original sensitivity and said that I felt bad watching this (the VP immediately reminded me that she had JUST said that and that I had shot her down. Well guess what ladypants?!?!? My feelings matter more than yours because mine are more unexpected since I’m such a big, tough, masculine protein powerhouse who only cries when 7-11 is out of chocolate Muscle Milk Pro Series 50). As painfully dull as Lauren B. is, she did seem to genuinely trick herself into falling in love with this professional DOOF. So when she walked like 18 miles down that hill, dodging Alpacas in heels along the way, only to get dunked on by Arie, guilt…creeped in. I wish I could have maniacally laughed in her face, but unless they’re true villain material (Krystal!) then I do feel bad watching a girl cry.
Okay, so we’ve established that I’m not a monster, right? Cool cool. Dude, Arie is a SAVAGE! My favorite part of this epic, “If I say I have to follow my heart, I’m a good guy, right?”-meltdown, aside from Chris Harrison’s sad face taking us to commercial breaks, was that Arie never came close to crying when he broke up with Becca. If this were me, first off, I’d probably cry because I actually am a sensitive baby (just kidding Dad, this is how I reel in all the hot babes), or if I had some sort of ocular issue blocking my tears, I would at least fake it! During the whole Becca break up scene (still going btw…Arie ain’t goin’ nowhere!) I kept thinking “Dude! At least give her a sniffle, a wipe of the eye, a bite of a quivering lip! Something! Anything! YOU LOOK LIKE A SOCIOPATH!!!
Now even though I don’t know exactly what a sociopath is (no, I will not look it up on Dictionary.com) Arie is def a sociopath. It means like “attention-whore” right? Whatever, going with it, feels right. Can you imagine breaking up with someone and then refusing to leave when they ask you to?! I’ve broken up with someone once (time to look at the empty sky and wonder “what if…”) and I literally would’ve paid her over 40 dollars for her to tell me to leave as quickly as Becca told Arie. “I broke up with you and you don’t want to talk about it and make me feel like an even bigger asshole than I already feel like? HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH!!!! k thx byeeeee”-Me. Meanwhile, Arie “Can we just talk” Lyin’Dick (that last name joke has probably been made already but I’m proud of it) awkwardly continued to stay after she asked him to leave like 90 gabillion times because….ohhhhhh, cuz he likes camera time. Yep.
That’s why he didn’t cry. I’m convinced that the only time we’ll see Arie actually cry is if he puts a GoPro on his dumb face for the moment when Chris Harrison thanks us for watching this season of “The Bachelor”. He is so obsessed with camera-time that he maneuvered a way to get an extra episode of the show. I almost respect how conniving he is. You know what kind of planning had to go into this? I imagine after the show ended, Becca would go to bed alone, probably thankful that Arie and his weird hands weren’t groping her face, and Arie would retreat to his fort in the basement with ALL of his crayons and toy race cars (They’re not toys! They’re models damnit!) so he could draw out all the ways in which he could stay on TV longer to prove to his father that he’s not a massive failure let-down (How many times do you think Arie has scream-cried “I don’t want your life!” to his race-car-legend father?)
When Arie decided that the only reason people care about Bachelor guys after their season is if they’re massive villains, that was his only route to staying relevant. (I’m legitimately gaining respect for this move the more and more I write it. Is Arie a genius?) Yes, he will be booed in the head of most women he encounters for the rest of his life, BUT, 1) there will also be the women who, just to be contrarian, will claim that they like how he “followed his heart” and 2) he will be the male version of Omarosa on reality TV for YEARS: whenever a reality show casting director needs a male villain, Arie will be the first name to pop into their head.
Meanwhile, Becca will be fine guys. Can you spare me this whole “she’s so brave!”-chant? Why is she brave? Because she got dooped by rich kid who can’t commit to a job, much less a woman for the rest of his life? Puhhhhhh-lease. Now she gets as many supportive Chris Harrison shoulder pats as she could ever want, and will probably be the next “Bachelorette”. Hey Becca, can you say hot guy parade?!?! Arie let her off the hook! What would have been worse is if she had to pretend not to be creeped out by Arie’s face-grabbing-tendencies for another 3 months until she snapped and decided that being lost at sea would be a preferable existence so she rented a boat and…just…left.
What we need is for Arie to be “The Bachelor” AGAIN. I’m not kidding. ABC should keep quiet who the next one is, only to start next season with a quick update on where Arie and Lauren are at. They’ll go to shoot at the home they just bought (with a sandbox in back cuz Lauren loves sandcastles!) and right as the update is about to end, Arie dabs right in Lauren’s face and sprints into a waiting helicopter. “Luyendyk out!” He puts on “The Bachelor” tux while in the helicopter and is dropped off right back where we started…the front door of the house as all the new girls pull up in their limos. I can already hear the new girls trying to convince their Dads that “he’s changed.”
MY WORLD:
I didn’t go to the gym yesterday because my stomach was weird and, I gotta tell ya’, there may be no feeling better than coming up with a great excuse not to go to the gym. The earlier you can discover it, the better, so you can enjoy a not-so-healthy lunch only to be followed by a, GUESS! That’s right, A-NOT-SO-HEALTHY dinner!!! “Listen, I would be working out if my stomach wasn’t so weird, but I can’t so I might as well follow Potbelly with Lou Malnati’s with some peanut M&Ms as a snack in between cuz I needed a happy boost on this gray gray day!”-Me to me all day yesterday.
Now, because I’m here not just for me, but for US, I wanted to provide some excuses to get out of going to the gym that don’t make you feel as Arie should have felt but doesn’t cuz, remember, he is now “Arie-rosa” (Arie/Omarosa mash-up. Try to keep up, this blog’s jokes wait for no one.)
1) “I worked out over 4 times last week, so my body needs to recover and if I take time off, the shock of the return will actually burn more calories than if I had gone everyday.” This is a real gem (god, I love complimenting myself on my blog. ME!) If you’re fatter, you burn more cals so…getting a lil chub chub actually makes your next workout that much more impactful. Listen guys, who burns more calories when walking up a flight of stairs, Michael Phelps or your fat Uncle Terry?
2) “My spouse has to work late so I have to pretend to be mad that I can no longer go to the gym because I have to be the one to take our dog out.” Classic Jimmy-move here. The VP of Ops will call me later in the day, right before I’m about to head to that purple, judgement-free hell-hole of a gym (Planet Fitness? More like Planet ItsaMess…k, not my best). She’ll tell me that she’s not going to be able to get home until later so I need to let our Princess Belle out before she makes a tee tee poo poo on the priceless rug I kinda’ stole from my parents garage. I’ll probably exhale on the phone and go quiet cuz I’m a graduate of The University of Pout, but really, I’m kinda excited that I get to put off sweating next to a stranger who thinks wearing cologne in Planet Fitness is a good way to make friends.
3) “Weather.” Raining? Roads are slippery. Snowing? Roads are slippery. Fog? Can’t see the roads (which are probably slippery). Wind? Car might blow over. Sun? Sun burns guys and I don’t wear sun block because I’m not a high schooler with no friends (been there, done that). Cold? Car might freeze OR my leg muscles won’t be able to fire properly and I can’t afford to risk injury when I need my body to go to work and earn an income to pay for The VP of Ops’ insatiable appetite for rare jewels and craft mayonnaise.
LETS LIKE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:
People who wear cologne or perfume to the gym.
MY BOVADA PICK OF THE DAY THAT PROBABLY WON’T WIN:
There’s good news and bad news. The bad news? Yesterday’s Milwaukee pick lost by 3 when the line was (+2.5). The good news? I didn’t realize the game was at 6 Eastern Time SO I COULDN’T MAKE THE BET IN TIME! THAT’S BASICALLY A WIN GUYS! MY FORTUNE’S HAVE OFFICIALLY TURNED! Seriously, if that’s not a sign that I’m back, I don’t know what is.
Tonight’s moneymaker is Denver (-5) over those stanky Mavericks.
When do you grow out of the phase where you hope that parking tickets just magically go away for a few months, and then end up panicking that you’re going to have to pay double the fine? I took my dog Belle (overused name? I’m unoriginal? Well, we adopted her and kept her name so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed with change. Welcome to “Jimmy is a Selfless Angel 101”) ANYWAY! Took my dog Belle on a walk this morning and had a near panic attack that my parking ticket fine was doubling at that very instant. I didn’t want to rush Belle’s morning dump but…like….SHIT ALREADY!
When I got back to my compound (lush carpets, wooden dressers, crotch-ripped GAP boxer briefs from 2013 in that wooden dresser), I rushed to my computer but only after I made my morning english muffy with butter because it’s always good to start your day off with nutrition. I burnt the muffy in my toaster 😦 BUT I ATE THE BURNT MUFFY CUZ I’M NOT WASTEFUL!!!
When I got to the payment page (shoutout http://www.cityofchicago.org/finance) I saw that my fine had not doubled, but that I did have a speeding camera ticket from July that has since doubled. I’M SO HAPPY AT THIS MOMENT IN MY LIFE! I now owed $160. Decision time for Little Jimmy, guys. Options: 1) Pay the tickets using different credit cards that I don’t really use that much because they’re nearly maxed out, but not totally maxed out. 2) Pay the tickets using the credit card I do use a lot because it gives me points and the successful people in my life talk about their points whenever I mention I’m driving to Nashville instead of flying. 3) Don’t pay the tickets, ignore any phone calls I ever get from numbers I don’t know and make love to my wife like the naughty boy that I am.
I paid the tickets and got points. I can’t wait to see what I can get with 160 points.
OUR WORLD:
Monday nights during “Bachelor” season are nearly as boneriffic (cool hetero in the building y’all!) as Sunday days during football season. Much like getting to watch day, afternoon and night games on Sunday, Monday gives us the can’t-miss triumvirate of “The Bachelor”, “Summer House” and “Vanderpump Rules”. If you’re a single dude and not into these show and think I’m a loser for getting SERIOUSLY FUCKING EXCITED to watch Brachelor Monday then please leave me alone because you sound like a guy who bumps into people at bars just to yell “What?!” at them (Bravo/Bachelor mash-up = “Brachelor”…not my best work).
Per usual, the VP of Operations (My Wife, Erin) and I settled in for a night of shared eye rolls and basic-bitch, mean-girl fun at the expense of people who are paid enough to be the butt of married couples inside jokes.
Quick takes:
“The Bachelor”: My disdain for Arie has gone down from the beginning of the season until now. He’s a doof asked to play James Bond. It’s been an awkward ride that hit it’s peak last night when he was forced to pretend he was tough with Becca’s ex showing up. (Becca’s ex, name?…let’s call him Jerry) When Jerry showed up it was clear that A) He could make Arie cry in a thumb war, and B) Arie isn’t as good looking as Becca’s ex. Knowing this (myself and the VP of Ops agreed on both of these so they are now facts for the record) Arie had to quickly resort to telling us how angry he was during the interview portion of the show. Arie: “Viewers, I am very angry about this situation now that I am alone in a room talking about it in the past tense and not across from that walking push-up-contest asskicker Jerry.” Jerry ended up getting embarrassed when Becca gave him the heisman, but Arie can never unsee the stronger, better looking person that Becca before him. THAT SITUATION NEVER ENDS WELL FOR MEN’S BRAINS.
“Summer House”: Missed most of it because the turkey tacos took too long, but I am Team Carl times a billion. If you hug your crying mother, you win the show. That blonde twin who wouldn’t stop frowning with a gun to her head is MAJOR NUTSO. Run Carl.
“Vanderpump Rules”: Lala…La La?….Lolla?….However the hell you spell her name, really grinds my gears. Can we agree that claiming to be an example for female empowerment while hosting at a shitty restaurant and living off your unnamed boyfriend’s bank account is a bit of an oxymoron? The VP of Ops wants to agree with me on this soooo bad, but pretends that she doesn’t because sometimes LOLahh makes a catty comment that she approves of. Oh, and poor Jax. I have definitely tried to prove to people on vacay that I’m into fitness and then had it backfire (got in a fight with the VP of Ops once during a wedding weekend when we were sharing a hotel room with another couple. She kicked me out of bed in the morning, so I pretended I was going to the gym. Once in the hotel gym, hungover as fuck, I sat on the lazy exercycle–the one with the back–and slowly peddled until having to race-waddle to the bathroom with sudden onset diarrhea.)
Jimmy's Chair 