All-Time Best Comedies and Fat Jimmy

OUR WORLD:

What happened to big, star-studded comedies that were there just to make you laugh and not ALSO have some sort of ending or gimmick that kinda’ made you wanna cry or jump in front of a big fast train? The Will Ferrell comedies. The Adam Sandler movies. The Chris Farley flicks. Hell, is Sacha Baron Cohen even alive anymore?

Yes, I know Sacha Baron Cohen is alive, but he’s doing the thing where he’s proving that he’s a more well-rounded thespian by doing some dramatic television series that I think one person in my life said was “alright.” COOL SACHA! Or Steve Carrell? What, you’re only allowed to do movies where you play anything OTHER than a funny person? WE GET IT, YOU’RE MORE THAN BRICK TAMBLIN! Sandler lost his nerve when he had kids so now all we get are dumbass Netflix movies for small humans with tiny brains or him proving his acting chops by playing some strung-out gambling addict? Don’t even get me started on Ben Stiller. DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON Ben “I’ll Only Be In This Movie if it Involves A Failed Marriage and Me In Corduroy” Stiller.

Seth Rogan made a superhero movie and “my friend has cancer now”-movie. Jonah Hill is allergic to being anything other than artsy now, and Jim Carrey has become a full-time Trump troll (don’t hate that career move btw…) Todd Phillips went from making “The Hangover” to writing and directing “Joker”. It’s not like you see dramatic actors trying to prove that their comedic geniuses. Is Christian Bale about to shock all of us by starring in a buddy cop movie where he has a silly haircut and a lisp? DOUBTFUL! Did I miss the trailer for Denzel Washington’s new movie, “My Betchy Dad!”

Now, I don’t know if all of these actors had a secret “let’s not do comedy anymore”-meeting in the refrigerator section of a Home Depot, BUT it has been A WHILE since we’ve since a big, goofy comedy. Without googling, try to think of the last all-caps COMEDY that you saw. I’m not talking about dramedy either, so don’t give me “The Big Sick”—which, yes, was funny but…ultimately, set in a hospital dealing with super heavy issues that I, personally, am looking to escape when I choose to watch a comedy. (Side rant, does anyone ever have this thought when deciding to watch a comedy: “I’m really overwhelmed with coronavirus, and Trump, and all the civil unrest, and my job being completely different than it was 3 months ago so I’d like to watch a comedy. However! That I’d like that comedy to involve something heavy…yes! Like cancer! Cancer comedy, sign me up! Wait, is there a comedy involving a drug addict who may be on the verge of killing himself? TOUGH DECISIONS!)

Okay, you’ve had time to think now…it’s “Bridesmaids”, isn’t it? The last COMEDY movie whose main purpose was to make you…uh…BIG LAUGH, was “Bridesmaids”. And did you know when “Bridesmaids” came out? 9 FUCKING YEARS AGO!

So what happened to movies like “Ace Ventura”, “Old School”, “Billy Madison”, “Nutty Professor”, “Superbad”, “Knocked Up”? I’m genuinely curious why we have totally steered away from making movies like this. The first thought that pops into my head is that comedians got a little scared of offending a bunch of people and so they veered into genres that aren’t reliant on some form of shock value. I’m sure the superhero boom didn’t help movies like this. Maybe American society just had so much great comedy for so long that we unknowingly put out “can we get more murder content?” vibes into the creative world.

Whatever the reason, I fucking miss a big, dumb comedy movie. Last night, while The VP of Ops listened to her “Catty Girls Talking About Brutal Murders In Graphic Detail” podcast in the other room, and I debated diving back into “Ozark”, I felt compelled for some lighter fare. Who knows, maybe something that in this HISTORICALLY DARK TIME could…I don’t know…make me laugh? And after trying to find a new comedy that I hadn’t seen before, then maybe something that’s at least recent AND FINDING ZILCH, I settled on “Eastbound & Down”. (If Kenny Powers doesn’t make you laugh, I’ve got nothing for you. Nothing. Ever.)

After a few 26 minute episodes, I started thinking about my favorite comedies and then I went to sleep because I knew what I was going to write this morning was such an important topic that I needed to sleep on it, before I held it up for the world to see. (Cue the “Lion King” music where the baboon geezer or whoever holds up Simba to the animal kingdom crowd and then you hear “THE CIRCLE OF LIFE! AND IT MOOOOVES US ALL!”)

Human kingdom, here are the Top 5 COMEDIES* of All-Time:

*Remember, these are solely FUNNY movies that don’t involve cancer, or aids, or scenes with people who have scars on their wrists.

“Tommy Boy”

Big Scene That Kills: When Farley is in the office on one of his first “sales calls” and he asks the guy whose office it is if he can use his toy car for a demonstration about Callahan break pads. You can hear Farley’s voice in your head saying “Oh my god!” and “New guy puking in the corner!” and “Here comes the meat wagon!” The way that Farley does the siren sound in this scene is how I have made police siren sounds ever since.

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: When Farley first gets the job from his Dad at Callahan. His Dad shows him to his new office and the thing Farley freaks out about most is his mini fridge. “You can put 6-packs of bee—Soda in here!” Brian Dennehy cutting him off Farley listing everything he could put in the fridge with “Anything, you want to keep cold.”

“Superbad”

Big Scene That Kills: The part that my brain immediately goes to is when Jonah Hill tries to buy alcohol and starts fantasizing about potential scenarios. “Hope Piggy can ruuun,” is definitely something I said under my breath when around a security guard. Then the old lady in the fantasy saying “Enjoy fucking Jules!” and Jonah responding with a giddy, “I will!” And then finally with the security guard slitting Jonah’s throat with a broken bottle before we see him return to the parking lot empty handed.

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: In gym class soccer when Michael Cera is given shit for not really trying by a classmate, and he responds, “It’s soccer. It’s soccer.”

“Anchorman”

Big Scene That Kills: It has to be the scene where Ron is calling Veronica trying to get her to leave San Diego so he can go back to being the anchor. Ron posing as her doctor, Chim Ritchels: “And guess what? You got knocked up”…”You saw me, you don’t remember.”

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: When Paul Ruud is waiting on the Panda to give birth and he gets pissed and calls the Panda “Pandajerk!”

“The Wedding Singer”

Big Scene That Kills: It’s a minor role, but Steve Buscemi’s best man speech is one of my all-time favorite comedy scenes. “I’ve always been the screwed up one, right dad?” “Why can’t you be more like Harold? Harold would never beat up his landlord. Little newsflash pop, Harold ain’t so perfect.” “Best man! The Better Man! Before Hitting the drums and playing the guitar “Cuz I’m the best guitar player in the world! Self taught! No lessons, thanks Pop!” I have used the “Best man! The Better Man!” line so many times throughout my life that I know believe that is is mine. I own that line. Seriously, if you want to use that line you need to ask for permission from me.

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: When Sandler goes off-stage and his back-up singer comes in to sing “Do you really want to hurt me?” and we just hear a huge, burly voice from the back growl “YOUUUU SUUUUUCKK!!!!”

“Wedding Crashers”

Big Scene That Kills: The football scene has Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, AND Bradley Cooper firing on all cylinders. Cooper yelling at his friend for not anticipating the rush. Vince Vaughn writhing in pain on the ground saying he can’t breathe. Owen Wilson getting pissed that Vaughn is making them “look like a bunch of pussies”.

Smaller/Overlooked Part That Also Kills: When Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn go quayle hunting and Wilson says, “I don’t even know what the fuck a quayle is!”

MY WORLD:

I have put on weight.

Didn’t we all agree when the quarantine went down that we were all dealing with enough stress and negative thoughts that we could eat or drink whatever we wanted? I feel fucking duped by everyone who made a “Quarantine Fifteen!” joke, and that’s a feeling that won’t be easy for me to get over. Because I make jokes that I really feel and am experiencing. I WAS inhaling cookie carbs like a Roomba after taking a gravity bong hit. I WAS drinking the way people eat on Thanksgiving, “A little of this, some of that, a dash of-“

And now I’m pulling my t-shirts when I put them on so they don’t hug my new love handles while out in public. (What a fun new routine!)

It’s just total and complete bullshit that being in shape before doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be in shape forever. (Remind everyone, Jimmy…now…DO IT!) I RAN A GODDAMN MARATHON!!! (LET ‘EM KNOW!) 26.2 MILES!!! (SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!) I’VE GOT THE FUCKIN MEDAL HANGING FROM MY OFFICE WALL FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO SEE IT!

And now, not even 7 years later, the only shorts that fit me are the ones made out of mesh? Does The Chicago Marathon have a manager I can speak to about this?

Anyway, now I’m doing a fucking dumb diet and running again and my whole body hurts and I swear to god, if this weight doesn’t come off QUICK, I’ll just commit to being a “big guy.” Until then, however, because I’m such a nice and honest person, I’ll keep you updated on my progress.

INITIAL “GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO DIET” WEIGHT: 202.6 lbs.

LAST WEIGH-IN: 200.8 lbs.

P.S.

Dear Bread,

I’ll never not love you.

Forever Yours,

Jimmy

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

Getting out of your car that you parked away from everyone in the parking lot, getting almost to the front door of the grocery store, and realizing you left your mask on the dashboard. The new “wallet, phone, keys” pocket-check now must include checking for your mask.

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

K, bye.

Movie Trailer Reviews (Pt. 1) and I’m Getting Fat (8/15/18)

OUR WORLD:

Every few months, on a random lazy night, The VP and I will go full-on short-attention span Millennial and choose to watch a bunch of 2 minute movie trailers instead of diving into a new show. (So watching a show has become too hard for you? Says a lot.) For the sake of all of my devoted readers, The VP and I did the thing at the end of each trailer where we look at each other and either raise our eye-brows and purse our lips together, crunch up our nose and furrow our brows, or something in-between. It’s a complicated grading scale, I know, but here’s the breakdown:

GOOD = “Even though we’ll eventually talk ourselves out of it, we should DEFINITELY see that movie when it comes out!”

okay = “It’s going to take someone I trust freaking out about how good this movie is, but I’m not shutting the door.”

BAD = “That movie is going to stink worse than a VP taco fart.”

Before I get into the trailers we watched, I would like to point out that the pictures of me above were taken this morning at roughly 6:45 AM. Why did I use those? Well, you know in the swimsuit issue when they have pictures of “curvier” women to show that there are women of all different shapes and sizes? And then those women are hailed for being brave? Well, I used these pictures to show that there are men out there with bad morning hair and large foreheads that shouldn’t be afraid to SHOW IT OFF! WE’RE JUST AS VALUABLE AS HOT GUYS! If this inspires even just one guy with bad morning hair and a big forehead to head out into public without running a comb through his hair, then I’ve done my job. We can’t all be Johnny Hotbod AND THAT’S OKAY! IT’S NOT OUR FAULT!

ONTO GRADING THE TRAILERS!

“A Star is Born”

Bradley Cooper could not look cooler and is definitely making me think about trying to grow my hair out AGAIN because “maybe this is the time it looks like movie star hair!” I know this is a remake because my dad told me (Dads!) but let’s be real, none of us are going to watch the original because nobody my age cares about Barbara Streisand or Kris Kristofferson. You know who we do care about? Dave Chappelle playing a gravely-voiced wisdom-doling friend to Bradley HotHair. We should all try to find a friend who smokes, wears an old tank and tells us when our “social” drinking has become an issue.

Best line in this trailer is HANDS DOWN when Cooper drops this heater on Lady GaGa as she walks away from him:

Bradley: “Hey”

Lady: “What?” (as she turns around)

Bradley: “I just want to take another look at ya.”

MELT-ALERT! If you’re single, I would HIGHLY suggest using this line on some unsuspecting philly who may have self-esteem issues (I used it on my dog Belle this morning and it didn’t land. She just kept walking…Fuckin’ bitch.)

As far as Lady GaGa goes, here’s the deal: VP loves her and I’m iffy. She does seem like a bit of a try-hard who too easily vacillates between “elegant, sparkly dress singer lady with Tony Bennett” and “dirty shirt, dive bar every-woman”. It usually bugs me, but I’m buying her in this preview. Matta a’ Fack, this feels like PERFECT casting. When she starts singing towards the end of the trailer, The VP started crying and my body was RAVAGED by goosebumps. If you’re not tingling at the 2:06 mark, check yourself into the nearest morgue because you, my friend, are a dead person.

JIMMYSCHAIR FACE REVIEW:

GOOD

“The Old Man & The Gun”

I want to be more excited about this than I am. When we first watched it, I def gave the “gotta see this”-face because I was trying to convince myself. Robert Redford is my Mom’s all-time crush and makes a wrinkly face look cool. He’s also a forever-star and this feels like the last time he’s going to be in a movie that allows him to be the star (felt bad writing that). Then they drop the “it’s a true story” bomb right on our big, dumb heads and we’re thinking “oh triple-fuck-yeah!”

But how interesting can a movie about an old, polite bank robber be? I love bank robbin’ movies as much as any other genre, but the best parts of those movies are the guns, chase scenes, and fiery “we’re going down in a blaze of glory!” speeches that the leader ALWAYS gives to the rest of the crew towards the end. Redford giving soft smiles and cute shoulder shrugs takes away from the “he could die!”-tension. Casey Affleck playing the cop who’s hunting Redford is a solid choice because Casey knocked that role out of the park in “Gone Baby Gone,” but even he seems charmed by Redford’s cute antics. Give me Jon Hamm getting pissed about the “not fuckin’ around crew” in “The Town” ALL DAY over Casey blushing about the note Redford left on a stolen dollar bill for him.

Redford does deliver a patented cool-guy line when he talking to Sissy Spacek about life metaphors, and says: “You know what I do when the door closes? I jump out the window.” Can anyone pull a line like that off in real life? There has to be a documentary somewhere about a real-life bank robber who tries to talk like that, but it just comes off as cringeworthy, right?

Oh, real quick, Tom Waits is in the movie and when I hear his voice all I can think about is how Heath Ledger based his “Joker”-voice off of Tom Waits. Sorry Tom, but you’re the Joker forever now.

JIMMYSCHAIR FACE REVIEW:

okay

“Life Itself”

This movie CAN’T WAIT to make you pretend not to be crying while sitting next to your weeping wife. One hundred percent chance that you’ll look down at your feet at some point in this movie while telling yourself to “fucking get it together, you’re an adult in public.”

First off, is the “Hola”-guy fat Channing Tatum with a mustache? Once that guy hit the screen, all I could think about was “what the hell happened, Channing?” Anyway, I’m torn on this trailer because I think I’m falling madly, deeply in love with Olivia Wilde, but I can’t remember anything she has been in that’s actually good. She’s stunningly gorgeous, and ALWAYS comes off as “down to earth” because she has weird haircuts and wears college-girlfriend clothes, but is she a good actress? If she was, I’d be able to think of ONE role where I thought she was good, right? (Hey Olivia, welcome to Jimmy’s attempt to play hard-to-get. I assure you, however, that he is not hard to get at all.)

Meanwhile, Oscar Isaac has officially wrestled the “that guy who’s in everything I hear is good but don’t see”-trophy from Viggo Mortensen. He’s a good actor because he looks actory and I say “Oh, I like this guy” when I’m around other people, but I’m not positive I’ve actually seen anything he has been in. This casting is feeling like some sort of magic trick. Like, at the end of the trailer, I’m half-expecting David Blaine to just show up dangling a pocket watch in front of me while whispering “you DO want to see this movie.” I do? I DO! Wait…do I?

The voiceover dialogue is heavy handed but well-written. The song playing in the background makes me feel…emotions…and makes me want to…probably wait to watch this on demand. The dead parents joke towards the end is solid, but then immediately feels off-putting when we see beardy Oscar Isaac having a MOMENT with a Starbucks in his hand. This is the movie that your parents see and your Dad stays completely silent while your Mom assures you that it’s “INCREDIBLE!”

JIMMYSCHAIR FACE REVIEW:

okay

MY WORLD:

Should I just get fat? I have a fantastic excuse of my badly sprained ankle to put some weight on AND get sympathy at the same time. In fact, I think if I put weight on it’ll only draw attention to my horrible, horrible, “he’s tougher than me for walking on it”-ankle injury. How would that happen? Thanks for asking; people would see me, immediately think to themselves that “wow, he has let himself go,” only to be smacked right in their dumb, judgmental face with me lifting my right pant leg to reveal A FREAKING ANKLE BRACE! I’d plunge the dagger deeper with a line like, “killing me not being able to workout.” And you better believe the only shirt I’ll be wearing is my 2013 Chicago Marathon shirt that has gotten VERY TIGHT. Get ready to feel bad about your inner thoughts re: my weight.

Real talk, I have felt a little bit bigger since this horrific, horrific injury and I am getting self-conscious about it. You ever put a pair of pants on that feel tighter than they usually do, but then quickly tell yourself “I mean, they did just come out of the dryer”? Because that was me yesterday–blaming the dryer and not the fact that I’ve eaten maybe 37 mini-York peppermint patties over the past…uh…one day. Why was it hard to get to the third notch of the belt? I mean, I probably just tried to fasten the belt lower on my hips than normal. Hips are wider than waist. Obviously. I definitely pulled my pants up a few times yesterday and sucked in to be like “yeah, they’re still loose!” They weren’t loose though, guys. I repeat, not loose.

Shouldn’t my body realize that I’m not able to workout and compensate accordingly? Hey body, I’m not lying on my back while eating an entire bag of Goldfish because my ankle DOESN’T hurt! How ’bout a little help, metabolism? Maybe Mr. Metabolism could pick up some slack one fucking time.

Since Mr. Metabolism and my dumb body are too lazy to help me out and keep my waistline in check, I’m thinking I just lean into this to prove what assholes my body and my metabolism are. “Wait, so they clearly know your injured, and they’re not doing anything to help you out? And yeah, you deserve to eat chip products on your back with an ankle like that!” THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

This song came on this morning and I stopped what I was doing to just smile and bop my head around to the beat. Try it.

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

The street we live on is closed through the weekend for a children’s carnival. Great. I can’t wait to see how calm Belle is about getting walked next to screaming kids who think they’re allowed to pet anything that comes near them. Hey kids, if you like your fingers, I suggest keeping them away from my anxiety-ridden doggo.

JIMMY GAMBLES:

I got a “bonus” from Bovada yesterday because THEY LOVE ME! and definitely not because I’ve been losing at an alarming pace and Bovada has nicknamed me “The ATM”. I’m not kidding, I can’t remember the last win I had. I am in full-on, betting only parlays mode because I need a big win to make up for recent losses. This strategy, thus far, has proved fruitless. Its gotten so bad that I have begged for picks from a guy I work while referring to him as “Baseball Guy” because he talks about baseball sometimes. Talk about baseball once in my presence? Guy MUST know how to pick games. I lost the first parlay he gave me.

(Account currently at $11.42)

K bye.

Worse Jobs Than Yours and Jeans in Critical Condition (6/25/18)

OUR WORLD:

Was I the only one to mutter “fuck this world with my whole heart” this morning? My Monday morning routine has come to include vile self-talk followed by a sad march to make coffee before sitting on the couch and hugging my dog until she gives me the “are you actually about to start crying?” pull-away. (Are we sure that hugging your dog can’t turn back the clock until it’s Sunday morning again? BUT ARE WE SURE?!?!) It’s quite the scene in the Pomerantz household. (Household? You live in an apartment, pal. Quit fibbin!”) Now that I’ve finished shaking my head at nothing in particular, I’m ready to put my energy into finding perspective. This section is somewhat twisted. I’m aware that making myself feel better by thinking about the misfortune of others isn’t exactly the most noble of pursuits. GOOD THING I’M NOT NOBLE! Faithful readers, lets take a trip back to…the “At Least I Don’t Have To Do That”-Job list.

Biker Gang Organizer:

I was in the burgeoning metropolis of Rockford, Illinois for a work event at a big sports bar this Saturday. Unbeknownst to me, Rockford is home to large biker organizations (I don’t know if it’s a gang and if they read this and saw “gang” would they get mad and come find me? Oh who am I kidding? Bikers can’t read!) GANG! In the middle of my event, a biker GANG (still kinda’ scared…) pulled into the parking lot of the bar. This gang consisted of about 60ish large humans wearing leather vests and bandanas while sitting on OBNOXIOUSLY loud motor vehicles. The bar hosting my event was also the second stop on a Biker Bar Crawl. I felt so lucky! (Lucky? Or that feeling when you’re terrified and sad and annoyed at the same time but you act excited because the people around you think bikers are cool? Yeah, the second one.)

Once all of the “I’m tough because I bought a leather vest”-people had parked their bikes, however, a leader emerged. A fleshy fellow walked to the middle of the lot, did that super loud whistle thing where you put fingers in your mouth, and yelled to the crew “WHAT DOES SINGLE-FILE MEAN?!” I confidently raised my hand, but I guess I didn’t count. (Fucking bullshit.) If we’re being honest, he didn’t seem to genuinely care if people did know because he continued with his loathsome rant pretty quickly, “IT MEANS SINGLE FUCKING FILE!” Ohhhhhhhhh! But I thought, it meant…double….file. The gang looked to each other with knowing nods, shared some chuckles and said things like “I’m glad that Larry is so willing to share what he knows with the rest of us!” Seeing education live is inspiring.

But then I watched Screamy Larry head over to his clique for a few aggressive fist bumps and backpats. It was clear he was not the leader of the Biker Gang. Instead, he must’ve been the organizer guy; which makes sense because a Biker Gang leader doesn’t have to do stuff like look behind him while riding to make sure everyone is in single file. Jax Teller never looked back, only ahead (Sons of Anarchy reference. If you don’t get it, watch the show NOW.) So I started thinking how much it must SUCK to be the guy in the biker gang in charge of making sure they stay in single file while riding around towns. Further, there’s no way that the single-file thing is all Screamy Larry is responsible for, he must be like the Head of Organizing for the biker gang. So the screaming made sense. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be to have to organize a biker gang?!

Aside from the whole single-file fiasco, he’s probably in charge of: figuring out how much each biker owes when they go out for a big group lunch; making sure everyone has the right patch on their leather vest; scheduling the chores at the biker gang clubhouse; AND, Screamy Larry also probably has to keep track of all of the members’ birthdays, ensuring they don’t forget to sing “Happy Birthday” and have cake in the break room. Remember the time they forgot Knuckles’ birthday? Knuckles and Screamy Larry do. Simply can’t have that.

Today, when you’re staring at your computer screen while telling yourself not to say what you really want to say to your boss, be grateful that your job doesn’t entail having to send Venmo reminders to bikers who still owe from yesterday’s team lunch at Longhorn Steakhouse. Screamy Larry knows that half the gang doesn’t even have Venmo, but asking a biker, in person, for money is something he’s just not up for on a Monday.

Money People:

This is broad and general because the whole “money management” universe is foreign and supremely intimidating. I have friends and a brother who work in this world and I cannot imagine the stress of it. Heading to the office on a Monday in charge of managing someone’s retirement or life savings or couch change would fill me with the type of anxiety that necessitates a 3rd martini on a Sunday night (NEVER a good idea).

What do their voicemails sound like? “Hey Jimmy, Mr. Perrywinkle here, I saw a report on the news that the market is taking a dive. Is that the same market you just passionately convinced me to put my life savings into? Just checking, let me know!” There have to be calls like that, right? And then you’d have to call back to remind the person whose bank account you just decimated that the market is, ultimately, unpredictable. I’m sure they understand…

(I always feel impossibly ignorant when talking about money stuff….BUT LETS KEEP GOING!) When I see reports about the stock market doing well or not doing well or doing the same, I think to myself “that should probably interest me more than it does.” In reality, I’m just annoyed that the news put the ‘Market Report’ ahead of the story about ‘Chicago’s Best Mozzarella Stick.’ (The answer is “Roots Pizza” FYI. You’re welcome.) The money guys, though, probably feel their phones seizing during any report about THE MARKET. I can imagine a money guy or gal taking their dog for a walk on a nice day when, out of nowhere, their phone begins vibrating so much that it starts a mini friction-fire in their pants pocket. “Uh oh, THE MARKET!”

Aside from having to be the face of market fluctuations, Money people have to make a lot of spreadsheets and graphs and presentations to really smart people in suits about spreadsheets and graphs. Decimals and percentages and JESUS H. CHRIST it’s hard to breathe while wearing a tie in the summer. If I were a money guy, all of my presentations would just be titled “We Should Invest in ______ Because My Rich Grandpa Said We Should.” That would be the entire presentation, actually.

Rich Person’s Assistant

Most of us work in jobs where we’re surrounded by co-workers who earn about the same amount. Today, when you’re having a mild panic attack re: the $74 you spent on brunch yesterday, you can look to either side and see co-workers also nervously typing in their online banking passwords. The Monday money check is a trying time, but we’re all in it together. That is, of course, unless you work as a personal assistant for a super rich person. While you’re scrolling through the 14 separate charges from “Louie’s Pub” on your Chase Mobile App, your boss is tasking you with picking out a new Monday watch for him. “Something that’s not too flashy, but enough to where people will know that I use the word ‘summer’ as a verb.” That means the assistant gets to go into the jewelry store with a security guard!

Who do these assistants relate to at their job? Who is the friend they can pull aside for the “you know, I hate to complain, but…”-chats? The housekeeper’s are not on your side because they know that you get to ride in the fancy cars. You can’t whine to the spouse because YOU KNOW they’re just going to tattle on you the next time they feel like having a “you can trust me”-convo with your boss. The kids just think of you as the person who gets them the things they want. So you’re left to text your friends who are too busy pretending to not look at their phones on Monday morning. YOU ARE ALONE AND POOR IN A BIG, EXPENSIVE HOUSE! If I was a rich person’s assistant, I would have a designated time every Monday morning where I would just stare at a mirror while crying. I’d also probably steal little things like toilet paper and the little dog poop bags.

MY WORLD:

I’m a one-pair-of-jeans-for-6-to-8-months kind of guy, and it appears I am nearing the end of the road for my current pair of jeans. This always happens and it’s never not sad. The crotchal region of my jeans, having been stretched for months on end, begins to wear…and then a hole appears. This hole gets large quickly and I am forced to retire the jeans. My current jeans are hanging on by mere threads. Upon close inspection this morning, we’re looking at another 3.6 days tops. This means that for the next two weeks I have to wear pants that I don’t really want to be wearing. It also means that I will be a little depressed because as hard as I try, there’s no way around thinking that the jeans died because my thighs got fatter. If you happen to catch me staring down at my thighs over the next two weeks, do me a favor and feel free to mention that my legs don’t look chubbier than they did 6 months ago. A simple “it’s gonna be okay” would suffice too.

And you think you’re having a tough Monday.

LETS LOVE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

I’m seeing Dave Matthews Band this weekend and I am so excited I’m going to talk about it to strangers this week!

LETS HATE THIS TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME:

When you get up at 4 A.M. on Monday morning and think “is it even worth it to try to go back to sleep?” Next time this happens to me, I may just buy a ticket to Yugoslavia and start a new life.

GAMBLING WENT HORRIBLY THIS WEEKEND, THANKS FOR ASKING! TURNS OUT, BLINDLY BETTING ON A SPORT YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT (SOCCER) IS NOT A RECIPE FOR SUCCESS. LIVE AND LEARN.

K bye.